Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

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Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by Izmuth on Wed Oct 28, 2015 5:11 pm

TW: Pedofilia-related issues
Spoiler:

EDIT: Cliffnote version on my situation for people unfamiliar with the rest of my threads: I'm facultative pedophilic, not pedosexual (as in, having impulses but not going to act upon them).

So I went on holiday with some of my friends, and we stayed in a hostel. There were lots of highschoolers too, and they began "joking" how they arranged that for me, and other shit about how they knew I like "fresh green leaves". That shook me up quite a bit, and induced an anxiety attack that's still working its way through my system.

I'm reasonably sure they were just kidding around building off the stereotype how all single men like highschoolers, but you know, it begins with jokes, people start thinking that where there's smoke there's fire, and in the end not jokes but only accusations will be made anymore.

I managed to bend the narrative with joking how I like cougars instead, helped by the fact I'm irresistibly attractive to women 20 years my senior somehow (even this holiday I was approached by one). So for now, they stopped making the other kind of jokes, having found a new vein of humour that is creepy old women.

But it got me thinking: I'm at the end of my 20s. I'm perfectly sociable. I'm not bad looking.
People start to notice there must be something "wrong" with me. Until now I'm protected by people thinking I'm just gay, but still in the closet because of my conservative parents.
But that's not going to last forever. I'm starting to debate the pros and cons of hiring an escort to pose as a date in some pictures I can post to facebook, to at least give the semblance of having a love life and blend into the crowd of "normal" people and not face scrutiny for being dateless.

Of course, this would all be much less complicated if I could bring myself to actually date. But somehow I just don't have the motivation to bring myself to face rejection in such a manner. Not helped by the fact that I *think* my sexuality is multiple choice, but I'm not entirely sure. Sexuality is a bitch.

But that brings me to my actual question: Anyone any tips for averting suspicion you're [X]? Maybe experience with jokes that implied that you were gay, with you actually being gay?

Thanks in advance for any feedback!


Last edited by Izmuth on Fri Oct 30, 2015 4:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by Caffeinated on Thu Oct 29, 2015 10:35 am

Your friends were making rape jokes. Their rape jokes made you feel awkward.

I think the way to handle it is to be serious and let it get very very awkward. Tell them that jokes like that aren't funny and aren't ok. They'll probably push back, because that usually happens if a group normally lets them get away with rape jokes but then one day someone calls them on it. Rape jokes still are not ok.

Captain Awkward has a number of posts that relate to this (boundaries, peer pressure, "returning the awkward to sender", feeling pressured to accept jokes that make you feel uncomfortable, etc).

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Re: Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by eselle28 on Thu Oct 29, 2015 2:35 pm

Yeah, I think it might just be best to shut down jokes like that when they happen.

If you want to develop a persona that makes people less likely to ask why you're single, the one I've seen that people most respect is I'm Married to My Job (alternately, My Art, My Cause, or My Dissertation).
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Re: Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by Werel on Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:20 pm

Married to My Job/Art/Cause is a pretty solid one.

I also don't know how most people would feel about you assuming an asexual identity when you are not asexual--that's a tricky one and might catch me some well-deserved flak for suggesting it--but it would be out-of-the-mainstream enough to explain why you've been dodgy about your sexuality/haven't brought it up in the past, while also aligning with your no-dates no-sex behavior, if not your real orientation. There are troubling questions of impersonation and appropriation there, but if your main concern is to stay well and truly in the closet, faking an orientation that matches your conduct might be worth considering. Shrug
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Re: Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by Izmuth on Fri Oct 30, 2015 5:00 am

@Caffeinated, thanks for the tip! I'll browse Captain Awkward to see if I find anything useful. It still complicates things that my first instinct in these kind of situations (where there's a chance confrontation leads to suspicions) is to always blend in and never make waves.

@Eselle: Interesting, I've only tried "Truly Hopeless With Women" in the hopes to dissuade people from prying further. It seems that leads to people seeing it as a challenge. Oh well, the new job comes with a change of scenery/aquintances, so I can try another identity easily.

@Werel, thanks for the suggestion, but due to bigotry that seems (to me) like a very bad plan.
TW: Asexualphobia (is that a word?)
Spoiler:

People still seem to believe asexuality "doesn't exist". I'm therefore afraid that if I try to pose as one, people are going to look for "proof" I'm not. It's safer (IMHO) to hitch a ride on the straight privilege train and not have your sexuality questioned.
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Re: Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by eselle28 on Fri Oct 30, 2015 10:11 am

Izmuth wrote:
@Eselle: Interesting, I've only tried "Truly Hopeless With Women" in the hopes to dissuade people from prying further. It seems that leads to people seeing it as a challenge. Oh well, the new job comes with a change of scenery/aquintances, so I can try another identity easily.
[/spoiler]

Oh, I would definitely not go with Truly Hopeless with Women, especially not if you're looking for long term solutions. It comes across as sad and hurt, and that's something that will get people who are inclined to couple others up involved in trying to both figure out how you could improve and introduce you to potential partners on the premise that these ones are nice and will be gentle.

The benefit of Married to My ________ is that when you're young, it comes across as what young privileged men are stereotypically supposed to be doing - enjoying their careers and the rest of their lives and not worrying about serious relationships. Then there's a period a bit after the age where people usually settle down where you'll get some pushback. Make it through that and, as long as you don't seem like you're asking for help, people will assume this is the way things are for you and will be less inclined to intervene.
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