Men that aren't Creepers

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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by kleenestar on Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:11 am

"I know you and your husband are monogamous, but in case you ever change your mind, call me?"
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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by UristMcBunny on Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:12 am

Oh I have a good one! And it's a cold approach in the street, too!

I was walking home from swimming a few months ago - I live a short walk from the ocean so in Summer it's a nice treat on a hot day. I was feeling good from the swim - smiling, walking kinda bouncy, enjoying the fresh air and wringing seawater out of my hair. I'm coming up onto the churchyard near my house, where lots of people tend to cut through to get places, because it's a nice space.

One guy - he's alone, he's walking in the opposite direction of me, and as we're a few yards apart he smiles and catches my eye. Still a few steps away he tells me my outfit looks very pretty, and I smile and say thank you. He asks if I have a boyfriend, I say I do, and his response is "He's a lucky guy! Have a nice day,then." and smiling, continues on his journey.

It was just a totally nice, low-key, friendly approach all around. He didn't get in my face or get too close, didn't try to make me stop to talk to him, and while the approach he used is one that honestly wouldn't have worked on me when I was single either, he did it so nonchalantly and responded so perfectly to rejection that - if all cold street approaches were like that - I probably wouldn't mind them so much.

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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by Werel on Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:19 am

The Wisp wrote:To slightly modify the thread a bit: I'd like to hear from women about non-negative experiences of men they weren't attracted to hitting on them.

Hm... at a conference in another country, there was a professor from a local university who'd been in my working group and we'd struck up a friendly rapport. At the end of the conference week, there was a dance party (yeah conferences at African universities are THE BEST), we all had a little bit to drink, and he got to hitting on me. He was a little older than me, not really my type, and I'm not/wasn't single, but it wasn't a negative experience at all, because:


  • He made it about the things he liked about me, not the things he wanted from me;
  • He kept it respectful: kept physical distance, everything was a question rather than a demand, and framed hitting on me as an imposition rather than something he was entitled to do;
  • He took the no with good humor and grace, despite being visibly distraught by it, and did not try to change my mind or push it at all;
  • And he kept in touch with me on a friendly/professional level, rather than just ignoring me once I wasn't a romantic/sexual prospect.

Basically, it felt like somebody who took a liking to me as a person, expressed it like "hey, cool person, would it be cool to tell you I'd like to kiss you and stuff?" and was like "no? no kissin'? okay well you're still cool!" Situations like that are always pretty positive, and I honestly think I've had more of that kind of hitting-on experience than the negative scary gross kinds. Hope that assuages some of the "all men/all hitting on is creepy oh no!!" fears some of y'all express around here. Wink
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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by Lemminkainen on Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:48 am

I'm not a woman, but I am a man who's sometimes sexually interested in other men, and gets hit on by them. The first example that comes to mind for me is a time when a somewhat older lawyer dude sent me a message on okCupid telling me that he was excited to find an attractive guy with my interests in the city , and that he would be glad to talk with me about them over coffee or drinks. He was outside of my age/life stage range (I preferred people who are either only a few years older than me or also graduate students), and I told him so, but reading the message was a pleasant, validating experience in a way that reading stuff from people who just liked my ass and asked me if I was DTF was not.

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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by kleenestar on Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:11 am

I was approached on, believe it or not, public transit, and had a lovely experience.

More accurately, the guy was standing next to me on a very long escalator up from the subway; this worked because it was clear I wouldn't be trapped in a space with him if things didn't go well. So from moment one I was like, "Okay, this guy is showing some sensitivity, cool."

He opened with something like, "You have a beautiful smile! Are you a happy person, or are you just having a good day?" We chatted very briefly, at which point he asked if I'd like to get coffee with him - pointing at a coffee shop right at the top of the escalator, so I knew he wasn't trying to get me isolated. I thanked him for the invitation and explained I was married. "Ah, your husband is a very lucky man!" he said cheerfully, and left. It was really a very pleasant experience all around.
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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by InkAndComb on Fri Nov 14, 2014 3:29 am

I've been making friends with a dude-coworker, and have been hanging at his place on the regular. He's always funny, very mellow, things NEVER get anything but friendly conversation wise or otherwise. He's willing to discuss gender issues (my interest area) and is cool about being checked on facts, as well as not being threatened when we both get opionionated. It's nice because I really enjoy my friendship with guys, but often get informed that my friendliness is inviting flirtation (it is not, I am not flirting, but in certain shyer circles I am often dubbed manicpixiegirl or theonlygeeklady). It is... refreshing, relieving, and nice to be a ladybro again. Thought no guys up here would want to be just friends!
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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by kath on Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:41 am

I also hear lots of stories in-person from other women talking about good dating experiences. I don't have the details (I usually don't get them, and I wouldn't tend to remember all of it), but it's usually something along the lines of "I'm so excited about this relationship I just started, he is such a great guy!"

I have a couple of stories where people may have been approaching me but it didn't get awkward - I've said them in other threads, but may as well add em here:

- the young man who sat next to me on the bus and talked to me about my hair in an enthusiastic and respectful way, but seemed to be more than general interest in someone else's hair. I got off at the next stop and wasn't flirty, and there was no overt approach, but it was a nice chat!

- the other young man who was really interested in the art thing I was setting up at a maker documentary screening, made some pretty ridiculous jokes, and asked if I would come back to maybe be on or possibly be live audience for a radio broadcast at midnight. Again, no idea if he was interested me romantically/sexually or just thought I was generally someone who should be at this radio broadcast (or, quite possibly, was generally interested in getting to know me whatever the eventual outcome).  I just said something like "sounds cool, but I'm planning to be asleep by then!" and had to go very quickly to the next thing on my schedule that night. It was really pleasant - he pretty obviously thought I was cool, so that was nice! Again, may not have been an approach or leading to approach.


This wasn't an approach to me, more a general way to behave, but one of my male coworkers is very not-creepy. He's just clearly an interesting and pleasant person. He has dated people at work and seems to have navigated that with a high degree of expertise. He does sometimes talk about weird dates he's been on, and asks for advice from female coworkers as to their take on things, and it is not at all weird or presumptuous. Note that this particular person is generally quite likable, but he also behaves very well (which is to say, very not-creepily), even when going into potentially fraught situations. And actually, I have tried really hard not to describe him as nice in this context, but he is very nice.
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Re: Men that aren't Creepers

Post by InkAndComb on Thu Nov 20, 2014 1:46 am

So on highschool my local larp group had a bad rep for being rude to the ladies. I've joined one at my college and holy butts are they female friendly! Sexism is called out immediately, but rarely happens beyond the occasional inappropriate joke, and there are many openly feminist and also parents of kids involved. It's really nice to hang with the guys without leering, suggestive comments, or nerd cred convos that seemed to be an issue back home.
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