The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

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The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:07 am

...and I really don't know why.

The first time we met she seemed nice enough, if a bit too overprotective of my date. But the next time we met she acted in a very cold, confrontational way, and more recently when we met by chance and I greeted her she pretended not to know me and turned her back at me (which really pissed me off).

She also showed up to a date we were having, completely uninvited, and even though I tried to give her some subtle ("So, what are your plans for the evening?") and unsubtle ("We [my and my date] are going to my place in a few minutes, you know") hints that she should have excused herself she repeatedly interrupted me when I was speaking, whispered something in my date's ears while glaring at me (deliberately trying to make me angry), and only left us alone when my date stood up, grabbed me by my hand and said to her "Have a nice evening".

Later I discussed thing with my date she said that her friend is going through a bad period of her life and I should just ignore her. I said to my date that she should tell her friend to behave better, and my date said that she'll try, but she's not sure it will work.

When I asked her why her friend seems to go out of her way to be a jerk to me my date said that I shouldn't worry about why and I should just accept that she doesn't like me. I asked he what did her friend whisper to her ear and (to my frustration) my date looked nervous and said that it's not important. She said that she will try to talk it out with her friend and makes sure that she won't show up again uninvited.

The problem is that I really find it hard to accept this. I've never done anything bad to her friend. I'd be willing to discuss what's wrong but she deliberately ignores me (which is something that really gets on my nerves). Maybe if I knew why she dislikes me I could accept it more easily, but my date doesn't really want to discuss this argment, or maybe she genuinely doesn't know anything about it (although I suspect that she knows and doesn't want to tell me).

I don't want to give my date an ultimatum ("Pick me or her") but I also don't want her friend to show up again and act like a jerk. I know that my date will try to tell her to respect our boundaries, but what should I do if she doesn't listen to her?

Should I confront the friend directly and bluntly on my own (something along the lines of "I get you don't like me, but why?") or is better to let my date deal with her by herself?

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Re: The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon Jan 04, 2016 11:53 am

I'd say let it go until she starts disrupting dates again and then confront the friend directly. On the one hand, you don't know her damage, but on the other hand, I hate the notion of confrontation through 'enablers' when I don't know the history of the friendship, and if she let the friend walk over her I have little faith that she won't try to placate both parties for as long as possible, leaving you with ultimatum options that seem presumptuous if you're only dating.

You don't have to be friends with the friend. Stay polite and otherwise ignore her back, bluntly stating that you're going to do so if she keeps acting rude for no reason. I'd say needing to know the reason why she hates is not important as long as she cuts the obnoxious behaviour out.

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Re: The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by Wondering on Mon Jan 04, 2016 1:19 pm

Agreed.

You don't need to know the reason she doesn't like you.

And if she doesn't show up uninvited again, or if she does and your date deals with it right away, you don't need to confront the friend. Also, don't keep bringing it up to your date. You can act like "choose me or her" even without actually saying it, and if it comes down to it, your date is more likely to choose her friend.

So if you see the friend out somewhere again when you're not with your date and she ignores you, just let her. Don't make an issue of it.

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Re: The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by eselle28 on Mon Jan 04, 2016 4:58 pm

I don't think you should confront the friend. Asking someone why they don't like you is kind of like asking someone why they're breaking up with you - you're unlikely to get any sort of useful answer. It sounds like you kind of know, anyway. Her friend is going through a bad period in her life, and she seems overprotective. She might not be very open to anyone her friend might want to date.

I would also suggest avoiding a "her or me" ultimatum. You're not likely to get what you want out of that, either, regardless of whether the woman in question picks her friend or says she picks you.

My suggestion for boundary would be that you don't want to be introduced to the friend on purpose again and that if she shows up unexpectedly, you expect your date to either excuse the two of you or ask her to leave promptly rather than letting things drag out until people are frustrated. If that doesn't happen, I would suggest saying goodbye and going home for the evening. It gives your date the incentive to make sure her friend doesn't interfere, and it puts the work on her, which is where it should be.
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Re: The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by InkAndComb on Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:32 pm

I don't think you should confront her.  Although you have every right to be miffed (and I would feel hurt/confused/want to know why and possibly make amends here too), her relationship with her friend is separate from your relatinship with your girlfriend.

It sucks these overlaps happen; I've been in both spots. There's a chance that your friend is using her as a sounding board/venting ear and she has a different perspective of you. There's also a chance that she is coping with the renegotiation of time and closeness that comes with having an SO involved with your best friend; there's no real guide for this, and even if you feel like you've done nothing wrong, that doesn't mean that she feels any better about the situation.

It's not really anyone's place to tell her to 'behave', though your friend can probably reach out and ask what's up, and set some healthy boundaries. At most I'd second (third?) the idea that it's ok to be like "hey, if you could give me a heads up if she's around, or we could try to keep some time with ourselves separate from her, that'd be awesome. But I know she's your bestie, and I'll my best to be polite/friendly. I don't want you feeling like you have to pick, because you don't. Until this attitude gets ridden out though, let's try to vacate the premises if she shows up uninvited".

Sometimes if you're lucky this actually will go away with time; I do have a few close friends who were very hostile towards me at first in this way, sort of territorial/worried they'd lose their friend because of me.  It wasn't becausei was doing anything wrong (if anything, that made it worse because I couldn't be the distinct 'bad guy'), but being friendly/ignore subtle digs and proceeding anyways (qustions, engaging in conversation, being polite but not bending over backwards) had them come around.

It's not a guarantee but the "prickly but soft on the inside" people can respect someone who is fair with their boundaries but understands they are the "new" one; you don't have to be her bestie but being civil (like it sounds like you have been) without getting visibly frustrated or letting her get a rise out of you keeps the power balance in check.

Edited to add: I am afraid I'm coming off this way to my current BFF's SO, and it's worth considering; you said she's going through a hard time? Is it possible (and don't fixate too much on this) you might resemble someone she's had a rough time with before? Time is definitely key here then; the person I am wary towards sort of browbeats people with his quirkiness, and in the past people like this have steamrolled me. I'm not mean to him, but I can tell he's unhappy I don't hug him as much or suddenly open up like I do my best friend. He wants the closeness I have with my bestie, but that came with lots and lots of time and trust.

Side note, mutual events may be a lifesaver here; trying to be kind to her other friends and having an event like bowling with 8-9 people could really, really take the edge off. And if you find any sense of humor that overlaps, even if it's gentle jabs at yourself, this can really help with the tension.
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Re: The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by reboot on Tue Jan 05, 2016 8:52 am

I agree with letting it be. There are always going to be some people who are not going to like you, they are chalk to your cheese. Sometimes people just have personalities that are bad fits, even when they have mutual friends. And that is OK. It is not that anyone did anything bad or wrong.

Be polite, engage with her when needed, do not bring this up with the girl you are dating, and eventually you will get used to it. There will be plenty more times in life where someone will not like you (or you will not like them) but they are close to someone you care about and you need to be cordial but not close.
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Re: The best friend of the woman I'm dating seems to hate me

Post by celette482 on Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:02 am

Hmmm. Well, in some sense, by expressing it to your girlfriend (date?) as a concern, you HAVE made it "her or me." Not nearly that explicit, but you have told her "Look, this is a thing that I don't like and is making me feel bad" and she's going to do with that information what she's going to do with it. And what she does with it is an important insight into how she will treat you going forward.

You've made a perfectly reasonable request "I'd like your friends to treat me like a human, thanks" and what happens next is up to your date. Maybe it's too early to break-up with someone who won't choose you over friends, maybe it's too early to expect someone to choose you over friends, but frankly I don't see this problem that way. My friends were not jerks to my dates early on. If they had been, i would have been embarrassed and apologetic to date and angry with friend.

Only you can decide where the line is, but frankly you don't have a friend problem, you have a date problem.
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