Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

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Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by LifeofLeigh on Sat Jan 16, 2016 4:41 am

I'll try and make this long story short! I'm in Canada but 6 months ago I met a guy in Australia online (not from a dating site but from playing online games together). We started chatting, then he began calling me from Australia, and then we began Skyping almost every day. He was totally gaga about me and we began making plans for him to come visit me here in Canada in January (this month). He said that I was the woman of his dreams and he just "knew" that once we met everything would fall into place and we would eventually get married. I wasn't so sure, but went with it. He said he'd even be willing to move to Canada to be with me if things worked out. Back in October he developed some serious, but treatable health problems. I was very supportive throughout the ordeal. He began to lose his enthusiasm and energy for our relationship and spent less time chatting with and Skyping me. By early November, another problem happened in his life; the house that he owned was being foreclosed upon and he had to move out. He moved into a friend's house (female, but platonic). Everything was normal between us, but distant as well. He messaged me a couple of times the week he was moving and said we would Skype later that weekend. Then suddenly I stopped hearing from him. I did not hear from him for 2 weeks. I later found out that he had signed up to an online dating site and didn't even tell me!!! And that he was already dating local Australian women from the site before "officially" breaking up with me! WTF! Then he messages me and is mad that I didn't contact him for 2 weeks. I asked him if he wanted me in his life or not and he didn't answer. All he said was "I want my health." Early December we exchanged a few messages. He was having surgery and I wished him well for his surgery. He messaged me when he was back from the hospital to let me know the surgery had gone well. I wished him a good recovery. His last message to me was "Thank-you Xxx" That was 5 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since. I have also been in no contact during that time so have not contacted him at all.

I am so hurt that a) he obviously wanted to break up but didn't have the guts to tell me he was trying to meet local Australian women b) I don't even know why we broke up because he never officially broke up with me or even talked about why he wanted to see other people. And C) A couple of weeks ago he took down his online dating profile; I can only conclude this means he is now dating someone exclusively. This is the same man that wanted to visit me in Canada and possibly spend the rest of his life with me. And I still don't know why he fell out of love with me Sad It kills me that we were in this hot and heavy long distance relationship for 4 months and he doesn't even want to meet me anymore, but would rather meet a complete stranger off the internet and go on a date with her. Yet the woman that he loved (me), he no longer wants to meet in person?!? Makes no sense. I had even offered to visit him in Australia if he couldn't come here and he was very keen at the time.

I feel like I'm going crazy with so many unanswered questions about why he lost interest in our relationship. We never had a single break-up conversation....we both just knew it was over when we hadn't been in touch for several weeks.

So now it's 5 weeks of no contact, and my question is, do I even bother contacting him, knowing that he's dating someone else? (Didn't take him long to get "back in the game" did it? Sad I wish he would have just talked to me if he was unhappy with our relationship....then we could have had a chance to fix things. And if I do contact him, what do I say?

Thanks for any advice! Male or female advice both welcome

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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by reboot on Sat Jan 16, 2016 9:09 am

Don't contact him. You said you did not need a break up conversation to know it was over. You know it is over. There is no answer to "why?" that is going to change that or give you useful information.

Right now, you have to try to stop thinking about him. Hide him or block him online. Surround yourself with "Team You". Try taking up a new hobby or challenge to redirect your energy and thoughts. Most of all, though, give yourself time to heal. In a while this will just be a story of something that happened to you.

EDIT: For the future, you might want to be a little more cautious about going "all in" with someone you can not meet in person for months. Until you meet in person, you cannot know if there is chemistry or if there are any "oh hell no" deal breakers. By all means be open to LDR if you want, but be open to meeting local people too and do not committ to exclusivity until after meeting a few times.
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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by Enail on Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:38 pm

Seconding every bit of what Reboot says. You know it's over, you know he behaved like a jerk who pushed things to get super-intense with you early on and then didn't even have the guts to tell you when he was having second thoughts, there's no information he can give you that will change those things or make them better. And you deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Be kind to yourself, try to heal, move on, take things slow.
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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by Kiskadee on Sat Jan 16, 2016 5:44 pm

I agree with what the others said.

It may help to keep in mind that it's really likely that his behavior had nothing to do with you. The kind of things you described as going on in his life (surgery, losing a home, etc) tend to focus people on the here and now. It doesn't excuse how he acted towards you. But it's very possible that this would have happened to any hypothetical long-distance relationship that he was in, and that it isn't any sort of reflection on you as a girlfriend.
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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by LifeofLeigh on Wed Jan 20, 2016 1:26 am

Thank-you so much guys for your thoughtful and helpful replies. I do logically agree with everything you say, but as we know, the heart and one's emotions are often not logical.  So me knowing and agreeing with all that you said at an intellectual level somehow doesn't make it any less painful. I've never had a relationship end without at least having something resembling a break-up conversation with the person. Obviously he lost interest in me and/or the long distance thing, but it would help me to move on if I had some idea what changed things for him. Was it a particular incident or conversation that turned him off? Was it a gradual build-up of multiple things over time? Without knowing, you can't help but ruminate over all the conversations you've had and wonder "was it the time I said this? Was it the time I said that? Was it the time I DIDN'T say something he needed or wanted?"  For someone who aggressively pursued me for months, it's just such a strange about-face. At first I thought him cooling off was due to his health/ financial problems. But then after I found out he was trying to meet local women from online dating, I realized that it must be something to do with me. If he just didn't a relationship with ANY woman, he wouldn't have been trying to meet other women. Sad  Not to mention, neither of us are spring chickens - I'm 44 and he's 51!  I would have expected this kind of immaturity when I was dating in my 20s, but figured at this stage of life, a man in his 50s would be a bit more mature and considerate.

I know you guys advised that there is no point in contacting him, but for me, emotionally there would be a point, in order to get closure and move on.  From a guy's perspective, is there anything I could say or any approach I could take that would encourage him to open up and be honest about what changed for him?

Thanks again for your help.

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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by Kiskadee on Wed Jan 20, 2016 1:46 am

Well, I totally understand what you mean, about logic vs. emotions, and really wanting closure. I've felt the same way. But I think maybe you should weigh it first, how you could feel in the best case scenario where he tells you why he changed his mind, vs. how you could feel if he completely ignores you or says something unkind. Your choice, but it's worth thinking about. (I'm a woman, though, not sure if you only wanted advice from guys?)
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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by Werel on Wed Jan 20, 2016 6:56 pm

I gotta agree with Kiskadee. I get that gnawing desire to know, but is there really anything he could tell you that would help? (And how informed/useful to your future dating life would the input of someone who's never met you, and apparently isn't super good at emotional communication, be?) He sounds like he just really digs the chase and then bails after getting a yes; I'm not totally sure there's anything about you that contributed to the relationship ending.

(Disclaimer: also a woman)
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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

Post by Wondering on Wed Jan 20, 2016 7:24 pm

I know you guys advised that there is no point in contacting him, but for me, emotionally there would be a point, in order to get closure and move on.  

This sentiment always raises my hackles. Because my ex kept contacting me to get "closure" to our break-up because he was never satisfied. And I eventually had to take him to court to get him to leave me alone.

So, I also strongly advise against contacting your ex again for the reasons Kiskadee and Werel give. But if you do, that's it. Don't keep after him if he doesn't give you an answer you're satisfied with (which it's highly possible he won't).

My take is that the long-distanceness of the relationship is what was the determining factor, not you in particular.

(Also a woman.)

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Re: Need guy advice! My LD boyfriend broke up with me & is already dating someone in his country. How can I get him back?

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