Not hanging out with a friend cause I have a low tolerance for asshole behaviour from his friend

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Not hanging out with a friend cause I have a low tolerance for asshole behaviour from his friend

Post by Jayce on Sat Jan 16, 2016 5:24 am

Well I wanted to catch up with my friend tonight who just got back from his trip to Japan but I don't like a friend of his. His friend is the same guy who once tried really hard to make me feel bad about being a virgin. I absolutely have do not tolerate assholes and I don't want to interact with those kinds of people so I told my friend straight up "hey your friend and I don't get along, he's not someone I want to be friends with. I just have a low tolerance for bad behaviour that I don't like.

So I cancelled our catch up tonight with him cause he wanted to bring him along. Well he is really close with him so they do a lot of things together. And here's the thing he told me the reason he hangs out with him is because he is willing to tolerate that kind of behaviour, and of course they've been friends for years. He just can't see that his friend is a total asshole to his other friends, to women in general. When I told him that he actually said, "oh you're not the first one who has told me that". So he knows, it's not just me either. My friend isn't an open asshole to other people, but he does seem to have poor boundaries in that regard. It's really nice that he has an entire social circle of friends and that is what I'm kind of looking for at the moment but I just feel like it's a huge huge red flag because they tolerate crappy behaviour. I don't really want to be part of any friend group that's like that. I feel sorry that he's still friends with that guy.

I'm a person that will always put my foot down instead of just getting along and pretending I'm comfortable so we don't have drama.

Do any of you forgo outings or even end friendships because your friends have people in their circle that aren't particularly nice to you?

Jayce

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Re: Not hanging out with a friend cause I have a low tolerance for asshole behaviour from his friend

Post by reboot on Sat Jan 16, 2016 9:22 am

I have ditched so many events because I do not like someone there that I cannot count them. I have also had people forgo going to events because they do not like me (usually the feeling is mutual). I have also distanced myself from people because I do not like their friend or romantic partner. Sometimes we maintained the friendship, but sometimes it faded.

Personally, I do not have the patience or time to waste it in the company of people I do not like.
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Re: Not hanging out with a friend cause I have a low tolerance for asshole behaviour from his friend

Post by Enail on Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:33 pm

I'd say a group that tolerates someone like that is probably not a good one for you even if it didn't mean dealing with him all the time, and doubly so since it sounds like it does.  But as for seeing your friend, could you just tell him you'd like to get together and catch up with him one on one? It seems like it'd be weird for him to insist his friend who you're not friends with tag along on your individual friendship.

For me, I don't particularly like someone but they're not an asshole, I'll put up with them occasionally for group activities. If they're an asshole, it's not worth my time. But I don't really have a unified group of friends, so I haven't had to decide what to do about a group that has someone I didn't like as a permanent fixture (not since high school, at least), let alone an active asshole.

I did have a friend whose friend/boyfriend/? I could not stand at all, and I told her I'd like to see just her and not have him tag along, and eventually asked her to let me know if he would be there at parties or gatherings so I could decide if I wanted to briefly play civil and then avoid him or just not go at all. It worked well for me, but I think it was a bit stressful for her since, even though I made clear that she didn't have to choose between us or do anything other than tell me, she seemed to really hate the idea that we wouldn't both be at her events and often tried to schedule us so that we could each attend part of it without overlapping.
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Re: Not hanging out with a friend cause I have a low tolerance for asshole behaviour from his friend

Post by Jayce on Sat Jan 16, 2016 9:41 pm

The more friends I've been making, I'm starting to feel like, people who tolerate other people's bad behaviour is a red flag to me. I have met quite a few other people who don't keep toxic people around them at all. I'm wondering if something like this is worth ending friendships over. It does make me feel like I'm being a bit picky, especially as someone who only has friends all over the place and no group of friends at all.

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