Next steps with casual sex

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Next steps with casual sex

Post by Prajnaparamita on Mon Jan 18, 2016 12:14 am

Hey guys!

So as of late I signed myself up for OKCupid again and have thrown myself in headfirst into online dating, and actually committing myself to following through and meeting people, even though it is very much outside of my comfort zone and for the most part, all the dates have been pretty horribly awkward and terrible. However, I had a date last night that made it all totally worth it with just how amazing the dude was, I'm just not sure what, if anything, I'm supposed to do now.

Here's the situation--I messaged him first on OKCupid, he responded and we had a really surprisingly deep conversation (given that this is OKC and just finding someone with a basic understanding of English grammar can be rare) about passing (in his case, being biracial and passing as white, and in my case being on the autism spectrum and passing as neurotypical) and the role its had in our lives, and he seemed really interesting and intelligent. He already seemed promising from that alone, but when we met up last night for a date it was even better than expected--pretty much instantly the conversation flowed, we made each other laugh and he came across as a deeply compassionate and caring person who really wants to work to make the world a better place. At the end of the date (I cut it short after two hours, as I was honestly exhausted from not having slept well as of late, as well as having the crash from the adrenalin rush I got from the panic attack before he came) I mentioned that I had a really great time and I thought he was fantastic and I would love to see him again, and he told me that he doesn't really have a ton of free time as he works two jobs, but he actually happened to be free the next day. I told him that unfortunately I had another first date set up with a different dude, and while I didn't expect it to be even half as good (it wasn't, it was actually pretty damn terrible but that's another story for another day) and probably couldn't hang out.

Anyway, this morning I messaged him on OKC, giving him my number (as I realized I hadn't before) and asked if he was still free to hang out (other dude asked if we could meet later in the day than had been originally planned). He texted back "Hey it's [date], at this risk of being too forward... do you want to come over and have sex? I'm very attracted to you."

Now normally, I would find this way too forward, even for a dude I was pretty attracted to, if it wasn't for the fact that a) I had already brought up sex first in the context of our two hour conversation, making jokes about how I was trying to detox off my vibrators b) I had already indicated to him I was interested in casual sex, talking about the previous dude I'd been in a friends with benefits relationship with (who turned out to be a big shot drug dealer with a furry fetish, but also another story for another time) c) we'd talked about the absurdity in how our sex negative culture has made it so we can't state directly often our desire for sex, but instead have to cloud it in massive alcohol consumption and coded language, and d) I really made no secret of the fact that I was really into him. So my response to his text was "aww heck yisss, he picked up on what I was hinting at!"

Anyway, I would have really loved to immediately go over to his place that morning and toss my panties on the floor, but as we texted more it was clear it just wasn't going to work out for that day--he lives two towns over, I'd have to take the bus which takes like an hour, he had somewhere he needed to be in the afternoon. So I said that I would be looking forward to the chance and hoped that good things might come to those who wait, and that was that.

Sooooooooo... I guess my question is, now what? I'm aware he works two jobs, so he doesn't have a ton of free time in his schedule, and of course he's going to know his schedule and when he's free best of all, so I think what I should do is just wait for him to reach out to me and let me know when he might be free and available. That being said, I don't want to let too much time pass and have the initial rush of attraction and interest fade. Also, I'm used to about a 50/50 when it comes to taking initiative with guys--after all, I'm the one who messaged him first, asked if he would be interested in going out for coffee and gave him my number, so it's super weird to just be sitting around waiting. Is there anything I should do? Should I maybe message him in a few days if I haven't heard from him to ask if he's still interested and free anytime? Or should I trust that if he knows I'm interested in sex with him and he's into me, that I can trust him to get back to me eventually? Would it be appropriate to send suggestive photos of myself (I know I have far too laissez-faire of an attitude towards sexting, but, well... if there's gonna be nude photos of myself out there, might as well be from when I was young and pretty, ya know?) Am I just overthinking all of this?

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Re: Next steps with casual sex

Post by Caffeinated on Mon Jan 18, 2016 1:08 am

Yay for meeting someone you like!

My suggestion would be, if your living situation is one where you could have sex at your place, text him on a day you're free and invite him to come over (and have sex). This goes double if he has a car and can drive to you rather than spend an hour on the bus.
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Re: Next steps with casual sex

Post by Prajnaparamita on Mon Jan 18, 2016 1:22 am

Caffeinated wrote:Yay for meeting someone you like!

My suggestion would be, if your living situation is one where you could have sex at your place, text him on a day you're free and invite him to come over (and have sex). This goes double if he has a car and can drive to you rather than spend an hour on the bus.

Oh, important context I really should have added--I live at home at the moment with my parents, so sex over here... Really isn't a viable option.

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Re: Next steps with casual sex

Post by Hirundo Bos on Mon Jan 18, 2016 5:49 pm

This sounds like a nice thing, I'm glad to see it's happening! As for your question, If I'd been the one who'd invited someone over for sex, and the logistics didn't work out, and it was someone I didn't have a sexual relationship with from before... I think I'd assume that the ball was in their court now, because I wouldn't want to push too hard. I don't know if this guy is like me... but I don't think it would hurt to do as you say, wait a few days and bring it up yourself if he doesn't... as long as that's something you'd be comfortable with yourself? And with the suggestive pictures, I think I'd have asked someone before breaking that barrier for the first time, and I think I would have preferred to be asked, but again I don't know if this guy is like me.
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Re: Next steps with casual sex

Post by Conreezy on Mon Jan 18, 2016 8:54 pm

I think texting him some reminders of your interest would be a good idea. Just speaking for myself, if I heard nothing back at all regarding sex, I would think you were uninterested and that I'd really blown it by being so forward. Flirty texts would be enough. If he's really down for it, he'll find some free time.

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Re: Next steps with casual sex

Post by Prajnaparamita on Mon Jan 18, 2016 9:55 pm

Conreezy wrote:I think texting him some reminders of your interest would be a good idea. Just speaking for myself, if I heard nothing back at all regarding sex, I would think you were uninterested and that I'd really blown it by being so forward.  Flirty texts would be enough.  If he's really down for it, he'll find some free time.

Well here's the thing, it's not like he's gotten no response at all--yesterday morning, when he texted to say that he found me very attractive and would like to hook up sometime, I gave him a very enthusiastic, not at all ambiguous response in regards to me having an interest likewise. I just don't know if I should be the one following up now, or if the ball is in his court and I should just wait and see if it comes back to me. Given that it's only a day, is it too early for me to be like "Heyo, when are you free for me to come over and get to work on color-coordinating my panties to your carpeting?" (Also, is that a thing I should say? Or is it a bit too much?)


Last edited by Prajnaparamita on Tue Jan 19, 2016 12:10 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Next steps with casual sex

Post by Conreezy on Mon Jan 18, 2016 11:26 pm

"Heyo, when are you free for me to come over and get to work on color-coordinating my panties to your carpeting?"

LMAO, that's a good one, except for the unfortunate connotations of "carpeting" Maybe go with " bed sheets."

But, anyway, I think you're good. Maybe send that in a day or two, then leave it up to him.

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Re: Next steps with casual sex

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