My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

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My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Alex1989 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:38 am

It began in September...

I could not take it anymore: the isolation, the pain, the self hatred, all of them catalysts of what I thought would be my lasts night on Earth. All the time wasted in my self-pity and my obsession of finding someone to at least acknowledge me. During my teen years, I've always wanted a "Hot, wild and physically uninhibited" relationship. Seeing the other guys walk around school French kissing their girlfriends, touching, caressing. This naturally made me envious, envious of the romantic successes of every one else. I dragged this envious feeling for years, through college and the first 5 years of my time in service. I desperately wanted a partner, incorrectly thinking that I need a relationship to be a normal functioning adult.

On a chilly September night, I messaged one of my squad mates, lets call him JD, pleading for help. I literally was begging for help with the phone in one hand and a sharp kitchen knife on the other. I intended to disembowel myself, I wanted it to be a slow, horrifying and painful death, basically "punishing myself". as I brought the blade to my stomach, I broke down in tears... I realized I did not wanted to die, but to seek relief from the pain. I called JD again, as I was about to speak he told me that he called my readiness NCO. I went pale. I feared that they would discharge me on the spot, but JD assured me they will get me the help I needed.

A couple of months went by, it was uneventful. I assumed things went back to normal.

But on November 28, I received a call from the unit, ordered to report in my standard uniform with clothing for three days, toiletries and a blanket, I wondered whether I was headed to Camp Santiago in Salinas or another location for duty. on the morning of December 4th, I was in formation for roll call, I was the only one with a backpack, I assumed I was going to be assigned to guard detail. but on midday, I was sent to the medical sergeant's office, he told me about my conversation with JD, I told him about it. everything. after lunch we got on a medevac Humvee, there I suspected that some thing was amiss. we arrived at the hospital, after waking a few corridors, we went to the doctors office. I underwent a basic standard check up, he asked me about my attempt and jotted down everything I said. he than told me that I would be hospitalized for 4 days in the psychiatric ward. I was uncertain about my stay in there, I feared I would be there for longer.

I found out that the chief combat medic, lets call him SFC J.V., was the one who recommended the hospitalization since he worked there and can keep an eye on me. he told me I will see the doctor and he will decide to release me or keep me there, I told him that I could not let my mother know about this.

My stay was scary at first, but over time, I saw that there were people in the same or worse situation than me. I started to talk to them, I actually made friend ships with, all this while the orderlies were always making sure we were ok, I thought that they were like all grunts with sedatives, but they were really... caring, supportive, I felt at ease, for the first time I felt peace.

They gave me anti depressants and sleeping aids, the orderlies made sure I would take them at the prescribed hour, I did not complain since the meds were to help me. on my final day, the doctor said that I was going to be released. but that my mother was notified, "Oh boy" I thought, my mom was probably worried sick about me. they let me go in uniform, as I walked out to the waiting room I saw my mother stand up and give me a hug, my sister and brother in law were also there.

I returned home, finally free from the negativity that haunted me over the years, I still went to group therapy and kept taking my meds, over time I learned that I did not need anybody to make my life better, I can find someone to share it.

as of this writing I still go to therapy, mostly tackling the insecurities and learning to appreciate myself more. I finally accept my self as a human being with flaws and imperfections and that those imperfections (mostly about my body.) made me perfect, I realized how amazing and wonderful I was the whole time, but saddened that I did not see this sooner. I... love myself.  to paraphrase of Bruno Mars: I am amazing, just the way I am.

however, on that fateful night, I remembered Enail and the other member of the forum telling me to seek help, all it took was a few failed therapists and a suicide attempt later, I got that help, and I am still here.

Thank you! without you, and the people who treated me, I would not be here writing this.

hugs for you all!  Smile

from your friendly neighborhood Soldier

Alex
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Werel on Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:00 am

Alex, that's amazing! So, so glad you got some help, that you're feeling better and at peace, and realized you can be a whole person on your own. That's awesome, man. Glad to hear it.
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Enail on Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:40 am

I'm so glad you got help, and it's really, really great to hear that it's been so useful and you're doing so well. Way to go, Alex! cheers
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by reboot on Thu Feb 04, 2016 8:51 am

Oh yay Alex!! So glad to hear you are feeling better. And want to know the best bit? Now that you know what better feels like, you know it can be felt and you will know if you start feeling bad again who to reach out to. I am so happy for you cheers
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by litterature on Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:34 pm

I'm so happy for you Alex!! :>

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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Caffeinated on Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:36 pm

Alex, that brought a tear to my eye. I'm so happy for you!
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Alex1989 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:11 pm

Enail wrote:I'm so glad you got help, and it's really, really great to hear that it's been so useful and you're doing so well. Way to go, Alex! cheers

It's all thank to you and the Nerdloungers!

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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Alex1989 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:12 pm

reboot wrote:Oh yay Alex!! So glad to hear you are feeling better. And want to know the best bit? Now that you know what better feels like, you know it can be felt and you will know if you start feeling bad again who to reach out to. I am so happy for you cheers

Also I do not need to consume alcohol to get that same feeling!
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Alex1989 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:14 pm

litterature wrote:I'm so happy for you Alex!! :>

Thank You!!! Razz
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Alex1989 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:18 pm

Caffeinated wrote:Alex, that brought a tear to my eye. I'm so happy for you!

Wow... I do not know what to say, thank you!
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Enail on Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:23 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
Enail wrote:I'm so glad you got help, and it's really, really great to hear that it's been so useful and you're doing so well. Way to go, Alex! cheers

It's all thank to you and the Nerdloungers!


Nah, all that hard work, the courage and the change, that's all you. But I'm glad if we were of some help!
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Re: My therapy. (This a post on what happend that made me start therapy. comments welcome.)

Post by Alex1989 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:29 pm

Enail wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:
Enail wrote:I'm so glad you got help, and it's really, really great to hear that it's been so useful and you're doing so well. Way to go, Alex! cheers

It's all thank to you and the Nerdloungers!


Nah, all that hard work, the courage and the change, that's all you. But I'm glad if we were of some help!

Grin
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