How do I make myself "sexual"?

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How do I make myself "sexual"?

Post by DazedAndConfused on Sun Mar 20, 2016 9:27 am

Following the recommendations of people of the forum, I've asked a female friend for feedback about my flirting.

She told me that according to her one of the reasons why the women I think I'm flirting with see me as a friend is that I seem interested only in being a friend. She said that I seem very friendly and a pleasant company, but I don't seem to care about sex, or about being taught of as "sexual". She said that even when I ask women out I seem to be asking them to be my buddies, not my dates.

She said that I give off a "sexless vibe". She said: "You give women the idea that you're a great guy to have chats with, or to have beers with or go to concerts together, but you just don't seem to be interested in sex or sexually interesting. You're not a bad looking guy, and you know how to dress well, but you just don't "look sexual"".

Of course I don't mind being taught of as a friend by the people I want to be friends with, but how do I make myself more "sexual" to the person I want to date?

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Re: How do I make myself "sexual"?

Post by DazedAndConfused on Sun Mar 20, 2016 9:38 am

By the way the same friend also told me that most women she knows think I'm gay or asexual.

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Re: How do I make myself "sexual"?

Post by Enail on Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:56 pm

DNL has some articles which touch on this. Try this, this, or just go through the articles in the chemistry, flirting, sexual tension and touch tags.

Is there a difference to you between how you act when you're trying to make a friend vs a date? Do you ever flirt, and what is flirting for you? DNL tends to advocate one style of flirting, and it's not for everyone, but there are lots of ways to flirt, so play around to find something that's genuine for you. Do you have a sense of what "Sexy!DazedAndConfused" is like, and what makes him sexy?

ETA: Oops, just realized you've talked about flirting in previous threads, so disregard that question and maybe think about what way too obvious/over-the-top flirting would look like for you?
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Re: How do I make myself "sexual"?

Post by Werel on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:45 pm

So based on this quote from your other thread:
DazedAndConfused wrote:My biggest problem is to actually make it clear that I'm romantically interested in someone. As my best friend, a very sensible and perceptive woman, has put it: "You are a great guy to have a beer with, or to go to a concert with, or to have long, funny, interesting chats with, or to have fun dancing with, but you look gay or asexual to most women you meet. You just don't seem sexually interested in them. Some of them were surprised when I told them you're interested in girls. You're not sexual. You give a "best buddy" vibe, not a "date" vibe."
This is a shot in the dark, but have you considered making yourself more approachable to women? And I don't mean in a "less intimidating/more friendly" sense, I mean like... working on your come-hither vibes. I think we've had a couple threads that touch on it (here, semi-relevant here), but if you're having trouble being the pursuer, maybe honing your "I'd like you to pursue me" signals could be a useful exercise. One or two dudes I know are often mistaken for gay or asexual, but they also have a sort of retiring, alluring, shy-fawn thing going that sometimes piques women's interest (mine included). I guess it's the equivalent of working on your blushing-and-batting-eyelashes skills instead of your bold-escalation skills?

Also worth considering expressing sexual interest in celebrities in a non-skeezy way, if that's a thing your social circle does. If people are expounding upon how cute [Famous Person] is, your contribution of "oh yep, [Famous Person] was so gorgeous in [movie] that I had to scrape my jaw off the floor" (replace with your preferred respectful expression of attraction) will at least say "I have desire for women, and I can talk about it in a way that's not expressly gross."

This is an extremely hard thing to give advice on without any knowledge of your behavior, body language, etc., though. Your straightforward and wise friend might be a good source of data, if she's ever seen you in a mode in which you appear less non-sexual; could she tell you which situations, if any, you act more like somebody who's looking to date?
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