Everything all at once

[ElizaJane]

In the WORST TIMING EVER category, my boss is offering me an "in name only" leadership position in the middle of a family crisis. The job means more responsibility, which I have to squeeze in around my existing workload with no reduction in those duties, for no additional pay. If I perform well it it, I'm making a strong case for promotion.

But since my daughter was just diagnosed with a medical condition that's going to mean I'm taking frequent time off work for the next 4-6 months as we sort out childcare and medical appointments, and my ex is being cavalier with her health to an extent that is making me consider petitioning to remove his one-on-one access to her (which would mean I lose my desperately needed downtime), I am probably actually going to have a nervous breakdown and bomb it.

But refusing the position is basically like saying I never want to move up the ladder, and I've been told I'm not getting even cost-of-living pay increases until I get a promotion, because they want to encourage me there, which means my effective pay has decreased by 3-4 percent over the last 2 years. So I am basically fucked over hard, and adding this to the list of things I sit awake at night stressing about as I wonder whether I can let myself cry yet, or whether when I break down I'll be unable to put myself back together.

[Hirundo Bos]

Hi, ElizaJane... I'm sorry about the medical situation, and the awful timing at work. And a bit angry at the society you live in where these are the options you are left with.

[Enail]

Oh no, ElizaJane, that sounds so stressful! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all that at once, any one of those things on its own would be a lot to have to handle.

And it's ridiculous that they won't give you cost-of-living pay increases "to encourage you."  You know what encourages people to advance in their jobs? Making enough money, ffs.

Is there any way to defer taking on the position, to say you're interested but you have some major outside commitments on your plate right now that you'd need time to resolve before you can take on additional responsibilities at work?

[Wondering]

You can let yourself cry. Absolutely you can.

I agree with Hirundo and Enail that it's ridiculous they're refusing you a basic cost of living raise. If it were me (and I do tend to be a bridge burner, so I know most people aren't me in this regard), I'd start looking around for other places to work that aren't holding my cost of living hostage.

Regarding your daughter and your ex, I've read experiences from at least two moms of kids with Type 1 diabetes with exes who had similar cavalier attitudes toward the kids medical needs. One of them successfully got the ex's time with the child revoked for medical neglect. The other is in the process of the same. It's definitely a thing that's done by other moms in your situation. Though that would add an additional emotional and time burden to you.

I'm sorry all this is happening. And I'm sorry for your daughter. I hope she'll be okay.

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