Basically being invisible

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Basically being invisible

Post by Glides on Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:00 pm

It's an old issue I've dealt with before, but it's one I want to address again just because it's getting bad and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have a shrink, been going one for nearly a year and I don't think I've made much progress there. She seems a bit too insistent that everything is fine and if only I just accepted that that my problems would magically go away. If only I just loved myself, all would be well, and so on.

Ignoring the lack of a job and being single and basically being in the same place where I was for so long, the biggest problem I have now is the issue of that I could literally die tomorrow and no one would notice. Not a soul. I'm not exaggerating about that.

Old Me would conclude this is because I'm ugly or disgusting and no one in their right mind would ever love me and so on.

Ironic because Old Me socialized a lot more. I don't really talk to many people anymore. whatever acquaintances I had have moved on to better things so I go to my remaining job which doesn't pay dick, go home, eat, sleep, repeat on the days I work.

Even the people I considered to be friends are people I haven't talked to in a while, and efforts to contact them have been mostly met with apathy. Everyone seems to be leaving me behind as they go on to careers and marriage and I'm feeling old for the first time in my life because of this. Whatever I am, I am of no use for other people.

I know it's maybe the depression talking but the shrink doesn't have the first clue of how to deal with it and I keep going because she's often the only consistent human contact I have in a week and because she's pretty and it's nice to imagine that I don't pay for a pretty woman to treat me kindly for an hour every week.

I'm very unbearably lonely and I'm realizing that I haven't actually made an iota of progress the entire time I've been gone from the forum. It's only getting worse the older I get, the panic attacks and anxiety happens more and more frequently.

I think I'm just more exhausted than anything else because I've been on this forum for years, the only real record of my gradual slide into greater and greater levels of mental instability. Takes active effort not to revert into my old self hating rants where I would lash out at anyone trying to be helpful, at this point I'm
Too exhausted to even get angry anymore.

I actually don't remember the last time I enjoyed food. The last time was probably around the last time I had sex, which just further informs how my entire state of happiness revolves around whether or not I'm getting any at the moment, and I was happiest in the past few months where the only form of human interaction I had besides the shrink was with my now ex.

Now that she's gone, I don't have anyone else and my lack of contact with anyone else just proves that they never liked me all that much in the first place. I've tried several times to reconnect with people but they all seem distant and apathetic to my existence. No emotion is expressed at my presence, I'm just there. Not a single molecule of enthusiasm.

And naturally the lonelier I get, the more I slide farther and farther, and rock bottom is actually bottomless. It hurts worse because no one is doing this to me out of malice, they're doing it because I'm so goddamn exhausted and worn out all the time that I don't have the energy to even outwardly portray happiness. I was extremely mopey and didn't have the energy for conversation and it's clear that people were just bored of me.

So here I am letting out what I hope is a much healthier expression of negative thoughts and pure despair and the like. I'm not exactly sure what to do to be able to somehow find some semblance of normalcy with my life. I feel very much doomed to this kind of existence until I finally decide to end my own life just so something different actually happens. It would actually be a change in the absolute plodding monotony that is my existence.

I don't want to imply that I've got it the worst out of anyone on this site, I've read around and some of you are in a lot of hurt and I hope all that works out for you. I just need some kind of sign that continuing on with more days where I don't actually say a single word out loud to anyone else is worth plodding through.

I did say "I'm good, how are you?" out loud to a cashier when buying groceries yesterday but I don't count small talk for the sake of social conventions.

And also for those of you who have known me for a while, is this a better way to rant that doesn't feel like a temper tantrum? I'm trying to work on that. I feel very sad and alone, that's all.

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Re: Basically being invisible

Post by Werel on Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:49 pm

<mod>Hey Glides, I know you know this, but please recall that suicide talk is not something the forums are equipped to handle. It's fine to talk about other facets of mental illness and hard times, but self-harm/suicidal thoughts are best worked out with your therapist or privately with friends who've expressed that they're up for it. It can be really hard for other posters who struggle with suicidal ideation to read that stuff, so try to keep it to a minimum in future posts.</mod>

Glides wrote:And also for those of you who have known me for a while, is this a better way to rant that doesn't feel like a temper tantrum? I'm trying to work on that. I feel very sad and alone, that's all.
Yyeeeessss, it doesn't lash out at anybody and seems to be way more grounded in introspection. For example, it's a pretty big step to be able to say that nobody around you is ghosting out of malice, and maybe it's because it IS emotionally tiring to be around somebody who's miserable--and that the state of misery is transient, and caused by circumstances (tough breakup of tough relationship, loss of job, etc.) Like you said, Old You would've assumed it's because they actively hate you for being the human embodiment of eternal unhappiness. That is progress, and you should give yourself credit for it.

But I think a crucial resemblance to old rants is that it presents The Facts as Seen Through Depression as being Actual Objective Facts. I definitely know that feeling--it's tough to see past the filter of "things are awful and have always/will always be so" when your brain is presenting a very convincing case otherwise. But do you think writing your feelings out only when you're at rock bottom is making it worse? If you look back over everything you've written out, and 90% of it was written in the pits of depressive misery, you're gonna get a real skewed view of what your normal is. Ever try making notes for yourself when you're feeling pretty okay? Maybe it's not as fascinating to write "I had a pretty decent day. Good lunch, watched a hilarious movie with a friend" as it is to pour out a howl of misery, but it'd force you to recall that there are lots of days which are Fine Just Fine.

Anyway, as for whether it's a more productive way to let out tough feelings, depends on what you're looking for. Advice? Commiseration? Just someplace to let it out? If the latter, consider whether you ever actually feel better after verbalizing Depression Abyss feelings. Yes? Productive! No? Not productive!

Glides wrote: the biggest problem I have now is the issue of that I could literally die tomorrow and no one would notice. Not a soul. I'm not exaggerating about that.
Definitely are exaggerating there, and it doesn't serve any purpose at all except to undermine your credibility as a narrator. Wink
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Re: Basically being invisible

Post by Enail on Mon Apr 18, 2016 8:36 pm

I agree with Werel. It seems like you've gotten a lot more able to step outside of your feelings a little rather than being completely stuck inside that perspective and to not leap to the worst conclusions - I'd say it's a pretty striking improvement, in fact - but you are also still taking a lot of information coloured by depression as objective fact (such as claiming you haven't made any progress in the time you've been gone Wink).

One thought of my own, which is that, as you recognize (which means it's really your thought, not mine Uh-oh) that one reason why you're not getting much social contact is that you're not socializing a lot. Loneliness is at least in part a situation rather than something intrinsic or a sign of your psychological state.

Which is not to say it's easy to solve. It's especially tough when you're struggling to find the energy to get in touch. But the conclusion you're drawing, that people just don't care about you, that you're of no use, seem like jerkbrain thinking. The unfortunate fact is that making and maintaining friendships is hard - and that's not just true for you, but also quite likely for some of the people that are failing to keep in touch with you. I think it's actually one of the big eternal challenges of adulthood. It's extremely common for friends to have trouble keeping in touch once they're not in the same shared situation, or when something big in their life or yours changes, and I don't know if it's as common, but I suspect it might be, but simultaneously really wanting to connect with someone and not having the social energy or mental space to be enthusiastic about seeing them now, is a thing. It's certainly a thing I experience quite often, at any rate Wink.  

I guess my point is that a lot of what you're experiencing is not a sign that no one cares or that your current loneliness is part of an inevitable downslide, that even if it's a difficult thing with a lot of added difficulties, it's a thing that can change. If you can manage it at some point, I'd really recommend trying to find an activity you can do regularly that will allow you to see the same people every week/month/whatever; it can be a good way to make friends, but also, it's just good to build some social interaction into your life that's reliably there as long as you show up, even if you don't have the energy to be interesting, even if you feel like people will be apathetic if you reach out.  


Werel wrote:
Glides wrote: the biggest problem I have now is the issue of that I could literally die tomorrow and no one would notice. Not a soul. I'm not exaggerating about that.
Definitely are exaggerating there, and it doesn't serve any purpose at all except to undermine your credibility as a narrator. Wink

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Re: Basically being invisible

Post by Glides on Mon Apr 18, 2016 9:36 pm

Werel wrote:<mod>Hey Glides, I know you know this, but please recall that suicide talk is not something the forums are equipped to handle. It's fine to talk about other facets of mental illness and hard times, but self-harm/suicidal thoughts are best worked out with your therapist or privately with friends who've expressed that they're up for it. It can be really hard for other posters who struggle with suicidal ideation to read that stuff, so try to keep it to a minimum in future posts.</mod>

Fuck, right, sorry.

Yyeeeessss, it doesn't lash out at anybody and seems to be way more grounded in introspection. For example, it's a pretty big step to be able to say that nobody around you is ghosting out of malice, and maybe it's because it IS emotionally tiring to be around somebody who's miserable--and that the state of misery is transient, and caused by circumstances (tough breakup of tough relationship, loss of job, etc.) Like you said, Old You would've assumed it's because they actively hate you for being the human embodiment of eternal unhappiness. That is progress, and you should give yourself credit for it.

Perhaps I've mellowed out a bit in my old age. I definitely feel like over the past year, unrelated to the forum or related, I've seemed to be able to detract the claws more often than before. I think it's my nature to preemptively attack so that I'll never be hurt, and I don't think I'm doing that as often. When my ex was spewing pure bile at me at the very end, I can give myself enough credit not to sink to her level and do the same. Despite my level of panic, i wasn't screaming or yelling at her at any point of the conversation.

Either I've just been through so much in the past year that I know better about when to pick my battles, or I'm just not as easily set off, dunno. So you've got a point there.

But I think a crucial resemblance to old rants is that it presents The Facts as Seen Through Depression as being Actual Objective Facts. I definitely know that feeling--it's tough to see past the filter of "things are awful and have always/will always be so" when your brain is presenting a very convincing case otherwise. But do you think writing your feelings out only when you're at rock bottom is making it worse? If you look back over everything you've written out, and 90% of it was written in the pits of depressive misery, you're gonna get a real skewed view of what your normal is. Ever try making notes for yourself when you're feeling pretty okay? Maybe it's not as fascinating to write "I had a pretty decent day. Good lunch, watched a hilarious movie with a friend" as it is to pour out a howl of misery, but it'd force you to recall that there are lots of days which are Fine Just Fine.

Day to day, my brain is wired to only remember the bad days. I am severely dissatisfied with my life like so many others, and want to move on from the person I was and make the rest of this decade worth something as opposed to spending it the way I spent my teens, whining and complaining about Why Girls Wouldn't Like Me Because Girls Only Like Jerks Nyahhhhh.

Enail wrote:I agree with Werel. It seems like you've gotten a lot more able to step outside of your feelings a little rather than being completely stuck inside that perspective and to not leap to the worst conclusions - I'd say it's a pretty striking improvement, in fact - but you are also still taking a lot of information coloured by depression as objective fact (such as claiming you haven't made any progress in the time you've been gone Wink).

One thought of my own, which is that, as you recognize (which means it's really your thought, not mine Uh-oh) that one reason why you're not getting much social contact is that you're not socializing a lot. Loneliness is at least in part a situation rather than something intrinsic or a sign of your psychological state.

Wanting to have sex primarily for the amount to impress other people as opposed to forming genuine connections with human beings, as i used to want to do before meeting my ex, is not progress but just one small step to being Something Close To An Average Human Being.

It'll only be progress once it's markedly improved beyond what is considered average. I'm still less than average, just by a smaller margin than before. Don't think I'm an optimist just yet now Wink

Which is not to say it's easy to solve. It's especially tough when you're struggling to find the energy to get in touch. But the conclusion you're drawing, that people just don't care about you, that you're of no use, seem like jerkbrain thinking. The unfortunate fact is that making and maintaining friendships is hard - and that's not just true for you, but also quite likely for some of the people that are failing to keep in touch with you. I think it's actually one of the big eternal challenges of adulthood. It's extremely common for friends to have trouble keeping in touch once they're not in the same shared situation, or when something big in their life or yours changes, and I don't know if it's as common, but I suspect it might be, but simultaneously really wanting to connect with someone and not having the social energy or mental space to be enthusiastic about seeing them now, is a thing. It's certainly a thing I experience quite often, at any rate Wink.

I lost quite a few acquaintances due to having no interest in their interests and not having the energy to maintain a pretend interest. I had some buddies in the music scene, but I honestly couldn't stand going to house shows after a while (as a rule, most artistic types are fucking awful at what they do and it definitely applies to musicians, I literally could not tell the bands apart from each other), all I would do was drink a whole lot and act like an ass and it was the only way to gain approval from that crowd. I accidentally got into a fight for the first time in years because of that. I decided the drinking wasn't healthy in my state, at least at that amount. When you're being dragged to your own car because you're too drunk to move properly and the police have been called, it's time to give it up before you get to a place beyond saving.

But this meant that all of them won't talk to me anymore. I spent the first few months after leaving the forum trying to get in with that crowd despite not even liking whatever garbage they called music.

Actually the majority of my acquaintances were heavily into the music scene and had no real interest in film, and this made it hard to identify with any of them. For a while they thought me butchering all the various subgenres of music was for giggles, but once they realized I genuinely know nothing about music, they slowly dissociated with me because we didn't share interests.

I never insulted music or anything, I never mocked their interests, but even that wasn't enough.

So now it's left me mostly isolated and alone.  

I guess my point is that a lot of what you're experiencing is not a sign that no one cares or that your current loneliness is part of an inevitable downslide, that even if it's a difficult thing with a lot of added difficulties, it's a thing that can change. If you can manage it at some point, I'd really recommend trying to find an activity you can do regularly that will allow you to see the same people every week/month/whatever; it can be a good way to make friends, but also, it's just good to build some social interaction into your life that's reliably there as long as you show up, even if you don't have the energy to be interesting, even if you feel like people will be apathetic if you reach out.

I don't know what activities I want to try. All I've ever wanted to do or had an interest in is film, and there's not many people who are interested in that around here. I can't pretend to like yoga or whatever the fuck activity just to get friends, I won't get friends by being insincere.

I think I'm just designed to be incompatible with most people by default, honestly.

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Re: Basically being invisible

Post by Enail on Mon Apr 18, 2016 10:03 pm

Glides wrote:
Enail wrote:I agree with Werel. It seems like you've gotten a lot more able to step outside of your feelings a little rather than being completely stuck inside that perspective and to not leap to the worst conclusions - I'd say it's a pretty striking improvement, in fact - but you are also still taking a lot of information coloured by depression as objective fact (such as claiming you haven't made any progress in the time you've been gone Wink).

One thought of my own, which is that, as you recognize (which means it's really your thought, not mine Uh-oh) that one reason why you're not getting much social contact is that you're not socializing a lot. Loneliness is at least in part a situation rather than something intrinsic or a sign of your psychological state.

Wanting to have sex primarily for the amount to impress other people as opposed to forming genuine connections with human beings, as i used to want to do before meeting my ex, is not progress but just one small step to being Something Close To An Average Human Being.

It'll only be progress once it's markedly improved beyond what is considered average. I'm still less than average, just by a smaller margin than before. Don't think I'm an optimist just yet now  Wink  

That's not what I was referring to as progress.


I guess my point is that a lot of what you're experiencing is not a sign that no one cares or that your current loneliness is part of an inevitable downslide, that even if it's a difficult thing with a lot of added difficulties, it's a thing that can change. If you can manage it at some point, I'd really recommend trying to find an activity you can do regularly that will allow you to see the same people every week/month/whatever; it can be a good way to make friends, but also, it's just good to build some social interaction into your life that's reliably there as long as you show up, even if you don't have the energy to be interesting, even if you feel like people will be apathetic if you reach out.

I don't know what activities I want to try. All I've ever wanted to do or had an interest in is film, and there's not many people who are interested in that around here. I can't pretend to like yoga or whatever the fuck activity just to get friends, I won't get friends by being insincere.

I think I'm just designed to be incompatible with most people by default, honestly.

I don't think it's a good idea to pretend to like things you dislike. But I do think sometimes it's a good idea to push yourself into trying out things you don't currently like but maybe could, and into finding ways to open up the sides of things you're interested in to let in some air from nearby fields. Especially for creative interests, it's easy to get stagnant and derivative if all you ever look at are people doing things in the same form you want to do things, it's better for your skill if you can learn to cross-pollinate a bit, both by taking an interest in different creative media and by exploring different experiences and aspects of the world. Writing seems like an easy one to get into and one that might have compatible people for you, since the art of story-telling in script is heavily based on the same skills as story-telling intended for text only. But you might actually do better to push a little further afield if you can do it and still be interested, that way it can be a bit of a counter-balance and an escape as well, something that can both benefit your interest in film and get you away from it when you need a break.
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