I'm back and in a rut.

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I'm back and in a rut.

Post by Alex1989 on Thu May 19, 2016 6:45 pm

I'm back, and just like the title says, I'm in a rut. I've been going to therapy for quite some time, it's a slow but steady progress, one of the pieces of advice she gave me is to talk to people (Thank You Dr. Obvious!). I started to practice talking and getting my body language straight in front of a mirror (I know it sounds silly...) I suddenly thought to myself, what if I am too smart or geeky to get a partner, I've been told that I am a borderline genius. even my NCO's and officers told me that, my buddies, such as Mortar and SGT. Scout, told me that I intimidate them with my knowledge (I don't feel like a genius, there are people smarter than me so...)

Should I dumb myself down a bit to get a chance?
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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by reboot on Thu May 19, 2016 9:54 pm

No, do not dumb yourself down. It can lead to you resenting your partner and coming to hate them.

Edit: It would also mean that you think of yourself as superior to your partner, which can lead to contempt. You may also be wrong. They may be equally smart, just in different ways or on different topics. You might have book smarts, but they might have people, street, emotional, etc. smarts that are equal to your intelligence. Never assume that you are smarter than someone just because you are smarter in one way.
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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by Wondering on Fri May 20, 2016 2:10 am

Ditto what reboot said.

Also, if you are actually intimidating people with your smarts, there are ways to mitigate that in how you behave and speak other than dumbing yourself down.

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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by BasedBuzzed on Fri May 20, 2016 9:56 am

I assume "relatively high IQ+analytical way of talking about issues+geeky interests+broad reading interests giving you access to more info=genius", in some people's books. Nobody is considered a genius for talking in such a manner about politics or football. It might be that it's harder to find people interested in the subject you're interested in in the current setting.

Also, plenty of folks practice posture in front of a mirror or do it even in public at an endless parade of leadership seminars. You're not alone in this, science backs you up: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by Enail on Fri May 20, 2016 12:58 pm

What Reboot and Wondering said! Don't dumb down, but do practice recognizing different styles of intelligence and finding ways to talk about things that are more accessible to a wide range of people. Even if you'd only like to date someone who's your kind of smart or who's comfortable with the kind of talk some people find intimidating, being able to express your smarts without coming across as intimidating or arrogant is a useful - and tricky, IMO - skill for life in general.
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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by DrTovah on Fri May 20, 2016 2:15 pm

I don't think that's a valid assumption that someone (male or female and regardless of orientation) is too smart or too whatever for someone else. Not just on intelligence alone. Or having just 'geeky' interests.

Here's a snippet of my experience as a woman seeking a similar type of man (intelligent, interested in sciences/computing, a touch sci-fi /futuristic, and ideally also with similar religious background). A lot of men just 'assume' the few women that might have similar geeky interests have their choice of men. The reality though is that I'm around a lot of great men, but they generally are not interested for what I think are trivial reasons (i.e. I'm around their age, but they would like significantly younger or I don't have the right 'look' they prefer). Yet they loudly complain how lonely they are and there's no one for them. If only they would be slightly more open and give women that might like them a chance to like them. In my circles, the same lonely men are disqualifying a good number of women that are interested in getting to know them.

There are plenty of men and women in the ballpark of interests and even more if someone is a bit more flexible. Maybe the person into technology would get along with a history or music buff. They are just as intelligent but have different interests. Someone who's outdoorsy or into theater might broaden horizons.

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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by Enail on Fri May 20, 2016 4:41 pm

<mod>Hi, DrTovah, I know you're new here and still getting the hang of the place. It's our forum's custom to not bring in our issues into threads where people are asking for individual advice unless they're very specifically targeted to illustrate a point for the advice-seeker's question. If you want to discuss your own experiences that you describe in the second half of your post, please start a new thread. It is great to see new members! Thanks! </mod>
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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by Alex1989 on Tue May 24, 2016 1:21 pm

Enail wrote:What Reboot and Wondering said! Don't dumb down, but do practice recognizing different styles of intelligence and finding ways to talk about things that are more accessible to a wide range of people. Even if you'd only like to date someone who's your kind of smart or who's comfortable with the kind of talk some people find intimidating, being able to express your smarts without coming across as intimidating or arrogant is a useful - and tricky, IMO - skill for life in general.

What's the best way to practice that skill?
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Re: I'm back and in a rut.

Post by Enail on Tue May 24, 2016 2:15 pm

TBH, I struggle with it myself, so I don't have a wealth of suggestions, but the things that I've found most helpful are:

1. Trying not to assume - just because they don't show some marker or another that we tend to associate with being smart (eg, having a big vocabulary in their presumed native language, being familiar with cultural works that are seen as intellectual), doesn't mean they aren't smart.

And 2. Being open-minded about different kinds of intelligence and trying to appreciate them - making an effort to watch for "how is this person knowledgeable/insightful/skilled/etc" rather than looking for a yes/no "are they smart?" Intelligence is an awfully vague term that can mean almost whatever you want it to mean , so I find it easier to keep an open mind and appreciate other peoples' traits if I look for specifics rather than classing them in an umbrella of smart/not smart, by which I usually would mean 'smart in the way I'm smart' Wink
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