Flirting

[Hirundo Bos]

Apparently I flirted with a couple of women today. I kind of wish I'd been aware of it before the interaction was over, but on the other hand, maybe not, because it was a pretty fun interaction as it was. The pleasure was exactly in just talking, trying out some conversational skills, going with the flow... not trying to direct it anywhere.

What happened was I was out with some friends, than I passed these women's table, and one of them thought she'd seen me before, and it turned out that we'd been at the same coffee shop some weeks earlier, which she remembered because my mother and I had asked if we could sit down at the other end of her table, that she shared with her friend, and then a few days later she'd been at another coffee place with the same friend and I was there with my mother too.

So I've just been thinking about this, that the first step towards building a larger social network should be just being present at places, so people will become familiar faces to me and vice versa, and that's how many conversations start. And then that is exactly what happens.

When I got back to my own table, my friends gave me a broad smile and said I had some nice flirting going on. I said oh, was that what I was doing? And they said oh, yeah. And here I thought I'd only been making pleasant conversation with some interesting people... but isn't that exactly what flirting is about?

And isn't that exactly the assignment I've given myself for now – get out more, be present, find some familiar faces, get to know people. Apparently I'm more skilled with than than I knew.

I wonder... when I get to a point where I'll be interested in taking it further, will that come as naturally to me as well? Or is there still a lot of stuff I need to learn... maybe set some new assignments for myself before long.

[Enail]

Very cool! It's awesome when intentional things and things that happen naturally and the universe all seem to come together like that!

[Guest]

When I got back to my own table, my friends gave me a broad smile and said I had some nice flirting going on. I said oh, was that what I was doing? And they said oh, yeah. And here I thought I'd only been making pleasant conversation with some interesting people... but isn't that exactly what flirting is about?

And isn't that exactly the assignment I've given myself for now – get out more, be present, find some familiar faces, get to know people. Apparently I'm more skilled with than than I knew.

I wonder... when I get to a point where I'll be interested in taking it further, will that come as naturally to me as well? Or is there still a lot of stuff I need to learn... maybe set some new assignments for myself before long.

Hehehe, awesome! Glad it's coming together slowly and naturally.

Heh, I've had similar experiences with "flirting" before too, much how you describe it. There was a girl in my 3D animation class when one of my buddies said I was totally flirting with said girl. So much like you, I was simply being normal friendly Mikey completely oblivious.

(then I find she unfriended me from Facebook because she thought I had a thing for her... -eyeroll-)

[Hirundo Bos]

Yeah, subtext can be tricky. And flirting probably works best when we're somewhat aware of how we come across... if not necessarily actively trying to flirt.

[Hirundo Bos]

It's a few weeks later, and I'm thinking it might be time for me to dissect the issue of flirting... pick it apart, get some idea of how to do it. Because I remember, I did the same thing with "questions in casual conversation", back on (now very) old forums, and the answers were very useful. I got suggestions for topics to ask questions about, some help with understanding the subtext of questions... and afterwards, asking questions have become fairly easy.

So I'm asking for suggestions, examples, taxonomies for verbal flirting... what topics can I introduce to make a conversation flirty, or to gauge interest in flirting? What verbal tools can I use to escalate with being pushy? And if the question makes sense: What subtexts are involved at the different levels of flirting, and how do they map unto the stated text?

I think I'm in a place to figure this out, in a way I haven't been before, if only I knew where to start.

[Enail]

Hmm...I'm having trouble getting an angle on this or coming up with any useful thinkings. But we did have a thread about flirting a while back that might at least give some suggestions and examples?

[DrTovah]

Just some ideas I'm throwing out here (I just signed up on the forum today, so my apology in advance if I am a bit off on the forum customs). This is not going to be a science, you don't know the other person's background so there will be a lot of misses, but also some successes too. It is a numbers game, especially in the beginning. I got better with small talk reading sales training books, though I still have a lot way to go.

You did great with conversation with someone that you have already interacted with, even as brief as it was. That makes someone more approachable and leads to natural conversation opener mentioning the prior interaction.

I think it is most important to look for folks that are open to chatting. A person that has their textbooks, notes out, on their smartphone or laptop or in the middle of reading is busy. I've been approached before where a man is trying some 'game' topic, completely disregarding that I'm in the middle of something. Thus, a polite, but short comment and my getting back to what I was doing comes across as being "mean" or worse. If someone is not receptive, it very likely has zero to do with you, but instead a looming deadline or someone feeling 'off' or something entirely different.

As far as conversation, I think a lot of women would rather initially discuss something light. Weather, music playing overhead, drink. If there's something cool or artsy about them. For example, I don't often carry a handbag, but I have an odd handmade one that is a conversation starter. I like evil eye jewelry. I wear a FitBit watch and often wear very bold color running shoes.

It is best not to comment on a woman's looks. Now a cool tattoo, nail art, ring, etc. is one thing. But a stranger commenting on physical features often comes across as off even if intended as a compliment. I am used someone commenting in my very light blue/green eyes as being unusual, so I'm not insulted. But that's something I have no control over (and maybe I am wearing contacts) and there's not much for me to say than "Thanks!" But you say something about my FitBit and I'll tell you all how much I walk and now training for a half marathon!

I have a few more ideas, but I don't want to write a novel on my first day here

[Hirundo Bos]

Hi, DrTovah. Welcome to the forums, and thanks for the reply. I'm becoming better with small talk too, but it's always nice to have some pointers. The thing I'm less confident about, though, is when the small talk is going well – what's he difference between a flirty and a non-flirty conversation, and how does the conversation change between the two... if that question makes sense?

Enail, thanks for digging up that thread. I vaguely remember it, but I think it was a bit above my level then... and probably easier for me to relate to now.

[DrTovah]

Not sure if there's a clear distinction with flirty vs. non-flirty.

Just having a good conversation with someone attracted to might be considered to some to be flirty.

I think after establishing a bit of rapport (i.e. through prior contact or bantering along), conservation becomes flirty when it is more personalized.

i.e. Take a nice chat about the weather, then making a fun suggestion (i.e. "We" could go to the beach. Or did "you" bring the picnic basket?)

[Hirundo Bos]

So, in light of recent events...

(by the way thanks DrTovah for good suggestions)

the recent events started when I got a suggestive message from someone's I've been in contact with a few times before, grew into a series of sexy e-mails, and culminated in a spontaneous meetup at a deliciously inconvenient time of the day (i.e. in the middle of the night) because we had to have each other there and then.

It was quite a different form of flirting from what I talked about in the original post. (It could possibly be called seduction? Although not all the things that word describe is good... is there a word to distinguish the positive kind of seduction? Hmh. "Flirting," perhaps.)

So it appears I kind handle two different kinds of flirting: The low end, casual one that ends in "thanks for a nice conversation" and the high end heated one that has a happy ending of one sort or the other. But between those two...

how does the first kind develop into the second? Is it something that happens very rarely? Is it something I can discourage? In this case, I got a clear invitation to turn the conversation into the heated kind, but that doesn't happen very often. How do I know if that's because I don't meet many people who'd be interested, or if it's I don't pick up the subtle signals? How can I myself invite someone to take things further in ways that aren't likely to make anyone uncomfortable?

(DrTovahs suggestions are probably a good start...)

I still have a lot of questions, and they're probably not much clearer than before, but a least I have a notion of what I've got left to learn...

[Wondering]

(It could possibly be called seduction? Although not all the things that word describe is good... is there a word to distinguish the positive kind of seduction? Hmh. "Flirting," perhaps.)

Context? I mean, I read a lot of romance novels where seduction is front and center, so unless context says otherwise, seduction sounds super hot and desirable to me.

Now, if you said "seduced by the Dark Side," yeah, the context would mean something different.

[Hirundo Bos]

Seduction is the word then, if context doesn't say otherwise.

Romance novels about seductions sound interesting by the way... could you suggest a few? I'm not very experienced with the romance genre, but I'm interested in it for a number of reasons. Though I don't know when I'll get to read them, my reading list is a little unwieldy...

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