So I'm not a virgin anymore... [rant/advice needed]

[Glides]

I was around for a while several months ago, but I was extremely toxic and self-deprecating and infuriated a lot of people so I eventually left, swearing to myself that I'd only return once I'd lost my virginity, jokingly assuming that since that would never happen since I was so ugly/nasty/creepy/etc., that I'd never come back here.

Well I'm not a virgin anymore.

I dunno what the point of all of this is, I just wanna share my experience with folks to see what insight I can gain so I can potentially keep on having sex more than the very little amount of sex I have somehow already had.

It's highly self-indulgent, part of me just wants to brag to the two or three of you I know will remember me.

Anyway, December of 2015, the story goes that me and my very good friend/roommate decided to play a joke where we'd both get Tinder, sit right next to each other, set preferences to Men Only and see how long it took before we'd find each other.

He ended up never actually getting Tinder, just swiping away at a black screen giggling to himself at how gullible I was.

I set preferences to Both Men And Women, taking it somewhat seriously, jokingly thinking that I'd never get a match anyway so what did it matter if I swiped right on some cute girls and see what happens.

Abruptly, without warning, I got a match within like ten minutes of getting the app. It would be one of three matches I'd ever get on the site, the other two belonging to a female friend of mine who very much enjoyed flirting with me as a joke, and a promotion for the movie Deadpool.

She was originally 19 according to the profile. Very cute, I'd swiped right since she said she was artistic and liked photography and film, which turned out not to be true at all.

So I tell Roomie, "whoa look at this! I got a match!"

Roomie giggles and says: "Message her!"

So I do, some joke about Harry Potter since she mentioned liking Harry Potter on her profile. She responds, very enthusiastically. Within a couple messages she's already making very sexual remarks regarding me, something so foreign that I think she's joking, and I play along. She's quite cute after all.

The red flags emerge almost immediately. She's actually a year younger and just about to finish high school (I was 20 at the time of the message, 21 now).

Second red flag: she's not just a Catholic, but quite a religious one, but expresses that she just wants to meet people and have some fun, which as you can imagine is a bit against whatever Christ stood for. Me being the stupid horny bastard I am, I shrug this off.

So I set up a date with her, bowling because I'm not fun or interesting, and she meets me in person and is even better looking than the pictures. I had enough sense to shave and dress up relatively nice, so it wasn't that odd to see the two of us together in public. Brunette, dreamy blue eyes, I'm smitten immediately. She's extremely shy, which is confusing to me considering how attractive she is. This is the exact kind of girl I would've hardcore crushed on in high school and accused of only liking jerks and not "nice guys like me."

But I'm flirting and being horrible at bowling since I have no hand-eye coordination, and she put up the bumpers on her lane. Oddly enough, she seems to really enjoy all of this.

We get dinner and the third red flag emerges: suddenly a threatening looking man in his fifties walks in and she immediately tells me to get out.

Me: "Why?"

Her: "That's my father. If he finds out that I'm seeing a non-Christian, he'll have my ass."

I immediately conclude that that's it, this is done, I've gone on a real live date and no matter what I do, I always have something go wrong. Without a word, I get up and walk quickly past the very scary looking Catholic man, and start stomping off towards the car, regretting everything.

if things had worked out, this would be the end of the story, but this girl (Tinder Girl for the sake of naming) somehow follows me, and asks very shyly for my number and that she wants to see me again.

Completely dumbfounded, I somehow say yes and give her my number. She confesses that not only is she a virgin, but she's also only kissed one boy before and though she's very attracted to me, is quite nervous about the whole sex thing, so she would prefer to wait a little until that sort of thing happens.

Me being a virgin myself, several years past my expiration date and having no intention of telling her that, enthusiastically agree to this notion. As attracted as I am to her, I'm scared that she'll immediately tell that I'm a filthy little virgin and will leave me the second we kiss.

She, for her part, is shocked that I'm so agreeable to this and thanks me for respecting her.

A week goes by, I take her to the mall. I buy her hot chocolate, she's still unbelievably shy despite being as attractive as she is. A thin blond looking kid walks out of a store with a bored looking girl, looks at her, then me, and then gasps in shock and pulls the girl back into the store.

Me: "Did you see that?"

Her: "That's the last boy who tried to kiss me."

Me: "Why's he so scared of you?"

Her: "I think he's scared of you."

I look into the reflection, compare the mental image with my own. I realize that not only am I several inches taller, but also much stockier (I've lost my baby fat at long goddamned last). I have become the guy I resented in high school, sort of. Not really a "wow I'm so cute" moment, more like a "wow I've gotten slightly cuter to the point of being passable in public."

I flirt a whole lot, not knowing what else to say. I haven't kissed a girl romantically in almost three years, and that one was horrible. The only other sexual contact in that time has been forced and not with my consent.

We get into the car as the sun is setting and she gets noticeably jittery.

Me: "What's the matter?"

Her: "I really want to kiss you, but I'm really nervous."

Dumbfounded again. She wants to kiss me? I reflexively take her hand, realizing that this is the first time in a long time that I've held someone's hand.

I tell her, not really sure what else to say, that it's totally fine if she didn't want to do anything, that I was only looking for something casual and wasn't going to force her into anything. That all we had to do tonight was hold hands and nothing else and I'd be totally content. And I was, I haven't held hands with a girl in years. Maybe if I'm lucky, we'll kiss once and I'll drive her home and that'll be the end of it. One good kiss is far more than I've ever expected to get with anyone.

Without warning she literally lunges at me, and the one kiss I was expecting suddenly goes much much much farther than that. It seems so natural and so easy now, my complete shock at just how incredible all of this was and how this previously demure girl suddenly got so aggressive, how another human being could desire me as badly as I desired them. I'm still partially convinced that I imagined all of that.

Once that was done, a good four hours later (pretty much everything besides oral and actual PIV), she very sternly said "I'm seeing you again, and we're going to do more."

Again this kind of sexual aggression was and still is such a sudden thing. I was so used to not being desired that being desired was completely alien to me.

And so for three months, we'd meet at least once a week, sneak off somewhere and tear into each other. For the first time in my life, I felt like a human being. I discovered just how much I liked giving oral, and how exactly to go about it, and it was unbelievable the amount of chemistry we had and how effortless and simple everything was after years of believing it was like a Rubik's Cube to arouse a woman. I know it all comes off like bragging, I just can't believe it.

Problems did emerge almost from the start, problems that would eventually lead to now, where I'm single again and she hates my guts.

Firstly, that for the majority of the relationship, I would not finish. She could, very very easily, but despite how good she was in bed, Ol Sparky would not cooperate till about the third month. Even then, it was only three times and only after several minutes of oral, and this was clearly pissing her off. She would take it personally and assume that it was her fault that my body wasn't responding, and refused to believe me when I said that I really did enjoy her.

Secondly, that we only had sex properly once. For oral, no problems minus the lack of...finishing. But whenever I tried to penetrate her, I'd immediately get soft and she'd burst into tears. She would once again assume this was because I wasn't attracted to her.

Thirdly, she was profoundly pro-life. The funniest moment of the short-lived relationship was when she pulled out a pin of two tiny feet out of her purse right after a particularly vigorous hookup in the backseat of my car (yes I'm quite romantic), and said "isn't this so cute? This is the size of a baby's feet when some atheist asshole aborts them!"

While I stared at her in shock at why the hell she was saying all this right after I'd been nose deep in her nether regions: "The two things I hate most are divorce and abortion!"

Fourthly, she clearly had some fetishes that I had no interest in being a part of, and my refusal to play along eventually started grating on her. The worst, which she tried out the last time we hooked up without getting permission, was ruined orgasms, where she'd stimulate me until I was about to finish, and then suddenly stop. Which, as I'm sure you experienced people know, hurts like a motherfucker. I yelled out in pain and she literally began cackling. Somehow I forgot about this and she did that a second time a few hours later, which hurt even more.

Me: "You think my pain is funny?"

Her: "No, you not being able to cum unless I let you is funny!"

Shit like that. Which I ignored because I was desperate and stupid.

Not to mention that her behavior when I was with friends began to weird them out. At first she was all smiles, but then she would force me to pay attention to her the entire time I was there. If I talked to anyone else, male or female, she'd get annoyed. The most infamous moment was without warning, in the middle of a bunch of us playing a video game together, she jumped on top of me and began trying to make out with me in front of everyone, trying to give me a handjob in front of all of them. I obviously stopped her from doing this, because I'm not an exhibitionist and it was pretty damn obvious that no one else wanted to see that, and she was quite upset that I wouldn't let her until we were alone.

Having the majority of your social group hearing a girl whine about "not being able to play with my favorite toy" in front of all of them was extremely uncomfortable, to say the least.

But she was still unbelievable in bed, so I stayed with her. I am not a good man.

Fifthly, she was hiding her newfound exploits from her very religious parents, pretending to sleep over at various friends' places in order to sneak off for a sleepover at mine, where a majority of the night would be spent enjoying each other. When she did it once, I was concerned but allowed it. It wasn't till later that she admitted she did this every time.

The sixth and biggest issue was that we never once had an entire conversation while we were seeing each other. It was either small talk or hooking up.

Eventually I agreed to date her, though agreeing to the notion while being given a lap dance was, in retrospect, pretty stupid.

Basically I wasn't enforcing any boundaries with this severely repressed Catholic girl. I was horny and desperate and she was unbelievably cute and very good in bed, so I was quite shallow.

Of course, you all being much more experienced than me, know that all this fun was a ticking time bomb, and so it was.

We finally successfully had sex about two weeks before the relationship ended. She seemed to enjoy it and I sure as hell did everything I could to make it enjoyable for her. The feeling wasn't of joy, but almost annoyance. That's it? I've been obsessing over this for so goddamn long and now it's happening and I'm so fucking bored?

But all of this shortened the fuse even more. Once she had sex, she suddenly broke off contact for days at a time, ignoring me and trying to avoid me as much as possible. We hooked up only one more time after that (when she tried ruined orgasms), her alternatively telling me that we shouldn't be sexual with each other and then seconds later demanding that I eat her out. Her behavior had gotten erratic and demanding out of nowhere. I complied, but for the first time, I wasn't enjoying myself.

The bottom dropped out on April Fool's Day, when she suddenly began accusing me of using her sexually with no warning. Text after text about how she was a good Christian girl before she met me and how I had almost corrupted her. In an angry phone conversation hours later, she patiently explained, with no emotion, that she had only been interested in me because she had wanted to experience sin with someone who was, in her words, "already damned."

Me: "So you were only interested because I'm the kind of guy your parents wouldn't like?"

Silence.

Fed up, I hung up on her and ignored her for three days (not the smartest idea), where she suddenly contacted me again, demanding to know what the hell was wrong with me.

One more phone conversation, her setting an ultimatum: that the only way I'd be allowed to continue to see her (her words) was to not only never have sex with her again until our eventual marriage, but to forgo all physical contact of any kind, not even a handshake, as punishment for our sins.

Me: "Not even friends do that."

Her: "I just want to live my life in a way much closer to Christ, and I want you to save yourself and live that lifestyle with me, away from all sin."

Me: "I don't think God is really that strict about all that."

Her: "What would you know about God?"

That's paraphrased, but this went on and on, with more accusations of seducing her with "dark magic" (previously used as a euphemism for my dick) and how she wasn't in her right mind and she had no idea how I bewitched her into living in sin. All this to the point where I was literally beginning to panic on the phone.

Me: "Please stop, I'm trying to think, I can't concentrate and you're scaring the hell out of me."

Her: "Well I'm sorry, but you're a sick man, and you need professional help for your illness."

Context: I'd admitted to her that I was depressed and suicidal after a particularly vigorous session on Valentine's Day. At the time, she said there was nothing wrong with this and that she'd support me no matter what. Never admit shit during pillow talk.

And that was it. Insulting my faith was one thing, but insult my mental health and you've gone too far. I cut the whole thing off, her angrily swearing to never talk to me again and that she regretted ever meeting me, how disgusted she was with me, and click, I hung up and proceeded to block her on every kind of social media out there.

Naturally this whole thing has led to a couple weeks now of frequent panic attacks, days on end of depressive symptoms I hadn't experienced since before the relationship. Around the same time, I formally dropped out of film school like I'd threatened to do for so long, infuriating my parents. One of the two jobs I was working at let me go, leaving me only working a few days a week and not making a whole lot.

All that within two weeks. Three months of bliss, two weeks of hell.

Afterwards was when the absolute worst of it opened up: the discovery that she had developed feelings for my roommate. Thanks to his disgust for organized religion and preppy white women in general, he had completely rebuffed her affections. After that, learning that she'd actively been using Tinder the entire relationship, posing as a 23 year old college graduate. Despite her insistence that she wanted a more "pure" sexuality, she was in fact trying to do to some other poor sop what she had done to me, an 18 year old girl posing as half a decade older than she actually was. I don't know if she slept with anyone else during the relationship or who she's with now, but it was the intention that counted more than anything else.

In the end, I was nothing more than a fetish.

On the bright side: I have had sex. I had been sexually active for three months longer than I ever expected to be active, I have gotten to experience the divine joy of holding a beautiful girl in your arms as she snuggles contentedly into your shoulder. I've gotten to wake up the next morning with that girl still in your arms, looking down at her while the sun softly makes her face look almost radiant.

I admit that the first thing I said to her when she woke up half an hour later was "how the hell did I get someone as lovely as you in my bed?" and I will admit that she did blush and sigh deeply and snuggle into me even more, and at that moment I had convinced myself I was in love. Which I clearly wasn't. Lust does strange shit.

That despite her massive Catholic guilt about everything (as Roomie referred to it, "post-cummie guilt"), she was quite affectionate until her religion kicked her in the teeth.

That she could fall asleep on my shoulder while I was driving her home, wake up, whisper "I'm so fucking happy right now," and go back to sleep.

Honestly, despite all the anger I feel towards her, all I feel right now is pity towards her. She has been cursed with one of the highest sex drives I've ever experienced with a human being. Someone as religious as she is trying to repress her own sexuality as much as she has is going to backfire horribly on her eventually, and I've narrowly dodged a giant bullet getting away from her. Considering that the majority of the time we spent together was being sexual with one another, considering that she literally would not want to stop for hours, which might sound like a fantasy but really is a curse once you realize that not only does she have way more needs than you, but also to the point where you're waking up the next day aching all over because you feel like you ran a marathon. Her refractory period was almost nonexistent, minutes later she'd be revved up again and would get really annoyed once I would be in too much pain to keep going.

That is what she is repressing. And it's not that I'm the guy for her, clearly I wasn't. She's going to do this again with another guy, and he won't be enough, and she'll twist her shame around to smack him for daring to desire her. She's going to do that her entire life and wonder why she's so unfulfilled, when the only thing she's truly excited about is sex despite her religion and her God forbidding that very thing.

The only time she was truly happy with me was either when I was hooking up with her, or right afterwards. All else was just a distraction. Eating out at dinner with her was excruciating considering how quickly she'd get bored and want to leave, just to give her one more orgasm, just one more, you don't need to finish your food Glides, come back to the car, I need my favorite toy, on and on and on and on.

If I tried hanging out with anyone else without her, she'd just beg to keep going, no you don't need to see your friends, I need you so badly, who needs them when you have me, and so on.

To repress all of that is the stupidest decision she's ever made. That's why I pity her.

I dunno, I feel like the last few months have been the strangest of my life, and I'm not sure if I imagined this girl or not. My roommate can confirm that I did not imagine her, that she did in fact try to jerk me off in front of everyone, that I had to physically restrain her from doing so, that he'd never seen anything like it and had no idea why me, the virgin, was the one that happened to.

"What was funny is that the entire time, you were still trying to continue talking to me even as she sucked your face. I haven't seen a man or a woman that riled up."

I know it all comes off like bragging, but in reality it was extremely tiring and just proved that my drive is a lot lower than I thought it would be. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

I am so sorry for subjecting you all to this novel. May I somehow find someone better suited for me in the future.

[Prajnaparamita]

Oh man Glides, I am so sorry your sexual experience had to be with someone who was very, very clearly suppressed and having it twist her up inside (and then lashing out at those around her as a result). I am very impressed though at your clear reading of her character--I imagine the old you might have just blamed yourself for what went wrong and lapsed into self loathing rather than recognizing that the source of the issue was her. And likewise, I'm impressed with the generosity in which you are able to view her, even after her hurtful, inappropriate behavior and cruel words. (Oh, and also being willing to be like "uh-uh girl, we done, I ain't taking no more of your shit", I'm proud of you for that too!)

I hope you don't blame yourself too much for what went down as well--when we're inexperienced, we just don't know any damn better, that's how I ended up in a six month relationship with a raging alcoholic who would go on rants in front of me about how he was one with the universe and all powerful and hadn't slept for days while he was manic and refuse to take his meds and outright told me about how he abused his ex wife and previous partners. See? It's not just you, we all do stupid things in the name of sex and feeling wanted, lol.

But you know what? Now that you know, you won't do it again, you know better now and you won't fall into that kind of psychological trap again. I mean, I recently had a minor version of your situation--I hooked up with a dude who was really, really sexually submissive, like super turned on by the idea of being violated by women, but unrealized by me at the time, was also super screwed up about it and deeply ashamed of his sexuality. Basically, every time that I tried to bring it up with him, because I really wanted to discuss safety and consent and safe words and signals and all that, he would totally avoid the topic, but still pressure me to do sub/dom play with him anyway, because the idea of being violated turned him on, my comfort levels be dammed. Anyway, you know what I did? I was like "haha, nope!", blocked the fuck out of him, and got away! It's a learning process, and I might not have been capable of it just a year before, but I've learned more and now it's so much easier to be safer about these things.

Anyway, welcome back. I've kinda missed ya, buddy.

[JP McBride]

Half of me wants to high-five you, half of me wants to hug you and tell you things will get better, and half of me wants to ask you for her number.

Also, it's not a bad idea to get tested for STDs. Oral transmission is a thing. This isn't a dis against your ex, it's just a good habit to get into when you're sexually active.

[Enail]

Prajna has a good point there, your description of this whole experience is really showing an impressive level of insight, compassion and boundary-setting!

[eselle28]

<mod>

half of me wants to ask you for her number.

I get that this is meant as a joke, but given the nature of this forum, I'm going to ask that everyone (not just you) refrain from joking about passing strangers' numbers around.</mod>

[eselle28]

Hey Glides! I'm glad to hear from you again. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended up being...well, it sounds like it was sort of hellish. I'm glad that you seem to be processing it in a fairly healthy way, doing a good job of distinguishing the many inappropriate things your ex did from the few points where you may have made some mistakes.

Just as a note, the same way I don't think it was helpful to form inflexibly impressions about your sex drive before you became sexually active, I don't think it would be wise to form any inflexible impressions about it based on this one dysfunctional relationship. It's not out of the ordinary at all for it to take some time for people's genitals to adjust to having sex with other people. Your ex was a jerk about it, but what happened was pretty normal, and I think you'll find both better experiences and kinder sex partners in your future.

As for your ex, I don't think you should spend too much headspace being concerned about her. She sounds like she's an asshole, and also mixed up about what she wants in life and relationships and unable to process whatever her fetishes might be in a healthy, consensual way. She may end up getting some therapy and working some of that out eventually, and if she doesn't, that's on her. For all your tendencies to beat up on yourself, I think you may want to consider some of the work you've done in comparison. You're able to talk about what you want in a relationship, resist unreasonable requests, and set boundaries - even if you feel guilty for taking some time to figure out where your boundaries are, which are normal.

I'm sorry to hear about film school and one of your jobs. Have you started working out what comes next?

[Glides]

Oh man Glides, I am so sorry your sexual experience had to be with someone who was very, very clearly suppressed and having it twist her up inside (and then lashing out at those around her as a result). I am very impressed though at your clear reading of her character--I imagine the old you might have just blamed yourself for what went wrong and lapsed into self loathing rather than recognizing that the source of the issue was her. And likewise, I'm impressed with the generosity in which you are able to view her, even after her hurtful, inappropriate behavior and cruel words. (Oh, and also being willing to be like "uh-uh girl, we done, I ain't taking no more of your shit", I'm proud of you for that too!)

I think it had gotten to the point where I could no longer rationally blame myself entirely. That's not to say it was entirely her, I'm reasonably sure that things could've gone better if I didn't panic at the end, or if I'd been able to keep my depressive episodes under better control.

On the one hand she wanted a sex partner but on the other hand she wanted a boyfriend to satisfy her friends and family, and none of them approved of me by virtue of being Jewish when she was a devoted Catholic girl. I met her parents a few times (I was basically guilt tripped into it with what was essentially "they'll think you're a rapist if you don't") and it was clear that they resented me for what was in my blood and something I can't get rid of any more than someone can decide their sexual orientation or gender identity.

I think that was my primary appeal to her, it was like dating a greaser back in the 1950s. Square Sitcom Dad with his white picket fence would hate John Travolta or the Fonz.

I hope you don't blame yourself too much for what went down as well--when we're inexperienced, we just don't know any damn better, that's how I ended up in a six month relationship with a raging alcoholic who would go on rants in front of me about how he was one with the universe and all powerful and hadn't slept for days while he was manic and refuse to take his meds and outright told me about how he abused his ex wife and previous partners. See? It's not just you, we all do stupid things in the name of sex and feeling wanted, lol.

Well, fuck. I got no words for that.  

But you know what? Now that you know, you won't do it again, you know better now and you won't fall into that kind of psychological trap again.

Anyway, welcome back. I've kinda missed ya, buddy.

I'm hoping you're right. I know better what red flags to look for and to get better at not letting my dick make decisions for me. How to be able to say no to potentially mind blowing sex at the expense of my sanity.

I knew I couldn't come back until I was in a strong enough place mentally to not let my mental crap get the better of me and slide back into old rants about my own self-loathing, and I figured this was as good a sign as any to dip my toes in the pool again.

the same way I don't think it was helpful to form inflexibly impressions about your sex drive before you became sexually active, I don't think it would be wise to form any inflexible impressions about it based on this one dysfunctional relationship. It's not out of the ordinary at all for it to take some time for people's genitals to adjust to having sex with other people. Your ex was a jerk about it, but what happened was pretty normal, and I think you'll find both better experiences and kinder sex partners in your future.

It was pure nervousness and fear and I think I would've appreciated it more if the other person wasn't judgmental or catty, and was just a bit more tender about how I was feeling. I felt this overwhelming desire to overcompensate for my own lack of experience (I had lied and told her I wasn't a virgin, as before we'd hooked up she'd insulted a guy friend of hers for being a virgin). The good news was that I was able to satisfy her sexually, the bad news is that she wanted me to be rougher and rougher with her every time after that, to the point where she wanted me to bite her nipples until they were bleeding. I felt really uncomfortable about that but did it anyway.

The actual one time sex ended up strange too since she wanted me to be rough then to, to the point where it literally felt like a bad porno. She just seemed to get off on being mistreated, some weird masochistic streak or something. That way she could insist that she was a "good girl" (what she wanted me to call her).

The whole dynamic was weird, I dunno. Obviously I enjoyed a lot of it, but there's aspects about it thinking back that make me a little embarrassed as it's so contrary to how I normally see myself.

I'm sorry to hear about film school and one of your jobs. Have you started working out what comes next?

I've been applying for grants, mostly. Film school was contributing heavily to my anxiety and after leaving I got a lot more relaxed now that I didn't have people constantly verbally abusing me. I've been mocked by some for leaving (the teachers will insult dropouts behind their backs but it's worth it just to not have to listen to them anymore), but since I was already an extremely unpopular student for a lot of reasons (primarily using the same actors and my own equipment instead of renting equipment from large production houses), not much else I could do.

The last straw was a class where the professor mocked me in front of everyone for saying that I wanted to be a director. Basically what he said was that "there's one asshole in every class who thinks he can be somebody, that he's got some great artistic vision to show the world and that he should get whatever he wants. Ladies and gentleman, this boy right here is your class's asshole."

It was something out of a bad biopic film, me and that professor butted heads for months and I dropped out after passing his class.

A lot of other shit contributed, like being banned from both the student success center (for refusing to consent to having my therapy sessions there recorded on video for educational purposes, the only way you could receive treatment) and the school library (for losing a rare filmmaking book that was the last of its kind after a classmate stole it from me and literally left the country). Classmates would talk trash behind my back about my age (I was the youngest student in the entire program, and thus the least experienced), how odd and esoteric my work apparently was (I deliberately overexpose all of my shots to put my actors in silhouettes and my teachers really hated that), and how I refused to do any kind of paperwork or get location permits for what I filmed. I was filming guerilla style with no one's permission.

Naturally my most frequent criticism was how weird everything I made was and "how are you supposed to sell this to an audience?"

Said classmate has since returned the book to me, but since it's the last of its kind and I already paid the fine, I'm keeping it.

[Wondering]

Did you use a condom? I hope you did since it's highly unlikely she was on birth control and she's against abortion.

but since it's the last of its kind and I already paid the fine, I'm keeping it.

So...theft of a rare book from a library. So that no one else, who is at no fault for what happened, can ever use it again. Got it.

[BasedBuzzed]

Top notch ~hijinks~. Now that the mysticism around the whole gig has disappeared, certain stuff will become easier and easier (not to say every new experience can't bring its own hang-ups, but it helps with processing), like knowing what you like and where you stand. Glad you can laugh at certain moments in it, it must have been brutal while on the inside.

[Glides]

Top notch ~hijinks~. Now that the mysticism around the whole gig has disappeared, certain stuff will become easier and easier (not to say every new experience can't bring its own hang-ups, but it helps with processing), like knowing what you like and where you stand. Glad you can laugh at certain moments in it, it must have been brutal while on the inside.

Now all I need to do is somehow detect the rare moments when a woman is flirting with me thanks to my inability to read body language or tone and I'm all set.

I'm forced to use the "well if one girl wanted me, perhaps more will want me" mindset.

Tinder is out, though, it reminds me too much of the ex.

[Enail]

Yeah, I'm going to go with Wondering on Team Give the Book Back. Libraries are awesome and deserve all the special books they can have!

[Glides]

Yeah, I'm going to go with Wondering on Team Give the Book Back.  Libraries are awesome and deserve all the special books they can have!

See normally I'd be inclined to agree, but I absolutely despise the whole lot of them and since no one else was using the book (i was literally the only student in the entire program even taking books out of the library before I was banned. Like I'm sure there were graphic design people or whatever going there, but film people straight up ignored it), and I paid the already hefty fine for it that I know they won't refund me because they are a bunch of words that Enail would ban me for if I said them, it's a memento for my hatred towards that institution.

Any other library run by nice people who want people to learn? Absolutely. School library full of words Enail doesn't like? No goddamn way.

I mean, if I hadn't paid the fine, then I'd definitely be a thief.

[Enail]

Donate it to a different library?

[Glides]

Donate it to a different library?

That's actually not a bad idea. I don't necessarily need to own the book, I just don't want the school to have it anymore.

On an unrelated note, I just want to meet someone else just so I can prove that this one girl wasn't a fluke, but I know that's not a healthy way of looking at things.

Really the only thing I miss about my ex is the sex. Which i know is horrible.

[Enail]

It sounds like you weren't very compatible, that there wasn't a lot of non-sexual interaction in the relationship, and like she sometimes treated you very badly; given that, it seems pretty reasonable to miss the aspect you enjoyed and nothing else.

I'm glad you're recognizing that focusing too much on trying to prove she wasn't a fluke isn't a very healthy mindset.

[Izmuth]

Hey Glides, nice to see you're more comfortable in your own skin!

Old Glides would also have thought "wow I must be extremely ugly to scare someone like that" instead of "woops I got so buff I accidentally scare people now"! Glad to hear you're making progress in your way of thinking!

If I can ask, have you seen a doctor on those "not being able to finish" issues? That is, unless you think it was just psychological and you were freaked out by the situation.

Just giving a rather extreme option (because I assume you can think of most non-extreme ones yourself, I like to give way out there suggestions so you can choose between all options there are): Since you mention being Jewish by heritage, you could try to look into foreskin restoration procedures, if you think you just don't get the correct stimulation from PiV sex. The foreskin is supposed to act as a natural lubricant during PiV sex, it might be you're missing this function, while not noticing any issue with normal masturbation.

[waxingjaney]

Said classmate has since returned the book to me, but since it's the last of its kind and I already paid the fine, I'm keeping it.

Or you could scan it and post it online somewhere. Guerrilla library.

[Herr R]

Always late to the party, but expected, considering that I hardly post here.

I was wondering why you up and disappeared like that. It's good to know that you still exist.

All I can say is that if this were the forum where I used to hang out with other love-shys and incels, and you made your post there, I would be congratulating you with my signature crowd applauding GIF that I would post for everyone who finally lost their virginity. You finally lost it and you lost it within an acceptable age limit. Not as soon as you wanted, but at least you weren't past the point of no return which over there, we agreed was a round 23-24. You are now a full man and no longer have to live in shame. Yeah, it sucks that she was so repressed and clearly had issues. Yes, in the end, you realized that you were just being used. But at least you enjoyed it for the most part, it seems.

As for film school and the book. For a school that treated you that badly, I say that the best revenge you can take on them is to just go out and make a film or several of them, show them to a few festivals that are into the kind of films you make, get a following, a few rave reviews and get famous and respected enough to shove it into the faces of your asshole professors and ex-classmates. If they were insisting on shit like getting permissions, renting out expensive equipment and filming according to mainstream Hollywood standards and shitting on you for it, then you clearly never needed them. I say you get famous just to talk shit about that particular professor who insulted you in front of the entire class. Also, I think waxingjaney has a great idea. I'm curious as to why they wouldn't be publishing a book like that anymore.

[Enail]

<mod>While support for happy news is always a good thing, this forum is not a place to talk about 'acceptable age limits' or people who have not had sex not being 'full men.' Please skip that part in the future.</mod>

[Glides]

All I can say is that if this were the forum where I used to hang out with other love-shys and incels, and you made your post there, I would be congratulating you with my signature crowd applauding GIF that I would post for everyone who finally lost their virginity. You finally lost it and you lost it within an acceptable age limit. Not as soon as you wanted, but at least you weren't past the point of no return which over there, we agreed was a round 23-24. You are now a full man and no longer have to live in shame. Yeah, it sucks that she was so repressed and clearly had issues. Yes, in the end, you realized that you were just being used. But at least you enjoyed it for the most part, it seems.

As much as this is going to completely go against what I said the last time I talked about this on the forum, but I don't feel like much of a full man right now. I feel the majority of the shame I felt back then. I'm not about to say that the knowledge that I have had sex with an actual woman hasn't helped my confidence or my self-worth at all, but the effects of it wasn't nearly as significant as I thought it would be back then.

There's definitely a weight off of my shoulders, no longer having this particular shame over my head. I don't worry nearly as much as I used to about finding someone else or another sex partner. It's not that I'm particularly confident that I'll find someone else (I'm about 50/50 on that right now).

But what I didn't realize is that the weight does not entirely consist of my shame over being a virgin, over not being what society considers masculine, men being defined almost entirely by their sexual conquests. I don't feel that I've conquered anything. The actual experience was not one of me exulting in the moment that I was suddenly a "full man," as I had expected even the moments directly before I even had sex for the first time.

To be fair, I had lied and told the girl I'd been with a couple other women before her.

But in all honesty, my only thought during was "wait, that's it? I don't feel a goddamn thing."

And then afterwards, both of us panting for breath on the bed: "That was seriously it?" I didn't actually say this out loud, of course. Ironically, she seemed even more proud of herself than I was. She was the one asking a whole bunch of questions, giggling to herself. The guilt wouldn't set in for a couple hours, and then our relationship would be doomed.

"Oh my god, I had no idea it would be like that!" "Was I the best you've ever had?" The irony of this is apparent since she was proud that she was "better" than a couple imaginary girls I'd made up on the spot to save face. She was so obsessed with her own performance that she didn't even seem to be judging mine, and I'd expected all along that she'd watch me like a hawk, making sure I didn't make a single movement out of place.

But I didn't really feel different. I felt out of breath, because goddamn is it a core workout. I was relieved that I hadn't done anything that stupid. I had an advantage since she had lost her virginity to me as well and thus had no one to compare me to. So for all I know she's with some Casanova with a 14 inch cock and an Italian accent (for the entire duration of the relationship she'd constantly go on about her fetish for Italian men. But she's Catholic, so I wasn't surprised).

I dunno, dude. I've read other stories by people who have also lost their virginities on here and they seem far more excited than me about the whole thing. Either "Doc Nerdlove, who none of us even pay attention to anymore, was right!" or "boy howdy wasn't that swell!" Me, I'm just like "man, my favorite part of the whole relationship was the really intimate parts." I liked the cuddling more than anything else, to be honest. I don't even miss the sex, I miss that whenever we did anything was the only time she'd allow herself to be vulnerable and intimate. I miss being held more than sex. I could honestly never have sex again if that meant finding someone I could just hold for a while.

I don't know where I'm going with this, because I don't know you or anything about you. I still think it's obnoxious when people say "JUST BE YOURSELF" as if that'll solve anything, and they're just trying to lord their sexual experience over you.

Probably the best thing about actually having sex was removing the mystique from it, realizing that people didn't treat me any differently after I casually mentioned it to them, that I was essentially the same person.

Does losing your virginity benefit you? Hell yeah it does. But not by nearly as large of an amount as I previously thought. It's not like having sex once makes me some kind of a goddamn expert.

As for film school and the book. For a school that treated you that badly, I say that the best revenge you can take on them is to just go out and make a film or several of them, show them to a few festivals that are into the kind of films you make, get a following, a few rave reviews and get famous and respected enough to shove it into the faces of your asshole professors and ex-classmates. If they were insisting on shit like getting permissions, renting out expensive equipment and filming according to mainstream Hollywood standards and shitting on you for it, then you clearly never needed them. I say you get famous just to talk shit about that particular professor who insulted you in front of the entire class. Also, I think waxingjaney has a great idea. I'm curious as to why they wouldn't be publishing a book like that anymore.

I'd rather get famous, have them all dreading what I'm going to say, and then be really mock honorable about the whole thing and just never ever say how I feel about anyone, leaving them on edge for the rest of their lives about what I actually think.

I have no idea where I'll get the resources to make anything half decent, though.

[nearly_takuan]

I think I remember someone (not me) asking you if you were ace previously. It really sounds like it, or at least if I count then you almost certainly do.

'Cause my experiences with sex definitely corroborate yours. Genital-touching is enjoyable and all, but the feeling I like most during PIV is her hands gripping my back. Had similar problems getting hard and staying that way long enough to satisfy my partner.

It's the best feeling in the world thinking someone's into you even if that comes with problems. Can't fault you for being "seduced" by that prospect, and I agree that part of the experience is a positive takeaway even if the rest was total shit.

(It's premature to say for sure but so far I think I was just unreasonably lucky to have ended up with someone awesome as the first and possibly only person I'm dating.)

I also N-th Prajna's sentiment that you're handling the aftermath admirably.

[Izmuth]

Sorry, it's still bothering me so I gotta ask:

Did you use a condom? I hope you did since it's highly unlikely she was on birth control and she's against abortion.

You díd use a condom right? Or made sure she was using some form of protection?

[Glides]

Sorry, it's still bothering me so I gotta ask:

Did you use a condom? I hope you did since it's highly unlikely she was on birth control and she's against abortion.

You díd use a condom right? Or made sure she was using some form of protection?

Yeah, I did. I was extremely paranoid about it to the point where she started teasing me about how obsessed I was with protecting myself.

Considering I was trying to hide the fact that I was a virgin, I made a lot of mistakes that only a virgin would make: struggling initially with getting her bra off, putting condoms on backwards multiple times, having trouble stimulating her clit at first.

Somehow she never caught on despite all of this, she was so insulated that she had no idea I was doing anything wrong. i had enough sense not to get visibly upset, I'd try to crack wise about it.

So the entire time we were together, she was completely convinced that I had been with other women and knew what I was doing, and even a couple friends who I had divulged my most disgusting secret to even pretended I'd had ex-girlfriends when she asked about them. Imaginary women, all to maintain the image of someone who was sexually experienced and knew what he was doing, when in reality I was making shit up all along.

Only difference is that now these same friends just have to pretend I've had sex more than once. Losing your virginity isn't enough, you have to have enough consistent sex in order to shake the shackles for good. Even that won't make you any happier, I'm probably at my lowest point mentally right now, much worse off than when I was a virgin. That girl essentially took away every bit of progress I had made mentally and I'm now right back where I was in high school.

[Izmuth]

Yeah, I did. I was extremely paranoid about it to the point where she started teasing me about how obsessed I was with protecting myself.

Go you! Sorry for doubting you, because you didn't answer Wondering when she asked I began thinking you might have ditched the condoms when you had trouble orgasming.

It's also not paranoia if they're really after you Never let yourself be shamed for taking steps to protect yourself.

Only difference is that now these same friends just have to pretend I've had sex more than once. Losing your virginity isn't enough, you have to have enough consistent sex in order to shake the shackles for good. Even that won't make you any happier, I'm probably at my lowest point mentally right now, much worse off than when I was a virgin. That girl essentially took away every bit of progress I had made mentally and I'm now right back where I was in high school.

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way man. Just gotta warn you: You will always be striving for more acceptance. First you were shackled by not having sex. Now you're shackled by not having consistent sex. Try to not let it consume you, otherwise even if you're having consistent sex it will never be frequent enough for your jerkbrain to feel valued.

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