Am I trying too hard?

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Am I trying too hard?

Post by dodomino14 on Wed Jun 29, 2016 11:08 pm

Hi, my name is Bo, I'm new here. I don't yet know if I should consider it unfortunate or not, but regardless, I just created this account minutes ago solely so that I could create this topic.
*ahem*
Ok, so, as I said, my name I Bo, I'm currently 16 years old, and I live in the middle of nowhere, Utah in a little gas stop town called Fillmore (in the U.S. for those of you who don't know much about the states). Ever since I was in kindergarten it has been my dream to have a girlfriend. Of course, being the huge nerd I am, finding a girl hasn't been easy. As it turns out, most rural area girls don't prefer guys who spend 80% of their day looking at a computer screen, WHO WOULDA GUESSED?! All joking aside though, it's really sucked for me to try and find a relationship with someone. I can't really say it was all that recent as it's been over 3 months now, but I'm still having trouble getting over the latest and first girl I've truly fallen for. I still think about here daily despite the fact that not only has she made it adamantly clear that she doesn't want to continue communicating with me anymore, but I have also in a few ways realized that she may not have been a perfect fit for me anyways.
    So, sop story aside, I want to ask the question that's been burning in my mind these last few months that I haven't really had the chance to ask anyone. Am I just trying too hard? I know for a fact that the reason this girl that I'm fairly certain I fell in love with doesn't talk to me was because of my horrible reaction to finding out that not even a week before I confessed to her, another guy did, and well...needless to say, I didn't really win that one in the end. It's not like I flipped out on her, it's just that I became kinda generally depressed for the first time in my life. Not like in a bad way, but the way you'd expect after thinking about a girl literally every single day for an entire year (and yes, I did count) and then finding out that she never felt the same way, and thank god it only lasted for a couple weeks. I also know that possibly one of the reasons she didn't like me back in the first place was that when I started to really like her, I became so eccentric and excited that I likely came off as really grating.
    Well, thanks for reading my miniature wall of text guys/not guys/whatever. Sorry if this came off as kind of depressing. I don't usually, or really ever, look to other people with help with emotional stuff because I always feel confident in tackling it by myself, but this is a question that I don't really think I have a real answer to.
    Crap, now I've ended on a depressing note...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGyPuey-1Jw
There we go, that's better. Grin

dodomino14

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Re: Am I trying too hard?

Post by Werel on Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:12 am

Hi Bo, welcome!

Sounds like this was one of those situations where you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, she just wasn't interested. And that happens to everybody!

If there is anything you might want to work on doing better next time, I think you've already identified it--handling rejection gracefully. You don't specify the ways you acted like you were "generally depressed," but that kind of reaction often includes guilting the person who rejected you, or seeking comfort/validation from them by putting yourself down, and none of that's fun to deal with. A good idea, when you've been rejected, is to muster as much composure as you can, give a basic upbeat reply like "okay! I just had to ask, thanks for letting me know," and drop it. Don't ask them why, don't bemoan how unlovable you are, don't ask if there's someone else--just take the answer with as much good humor as you can, and don't ask them to help manage your feelings about it. Maybe take some time away from the person while you deal with the hurt, so you're not trying to put on a brave face while just hearing their voice stabs you in the guts. Smile

But it absolutely sucks to have persistent feelings for somebody who's turned you down, and getting past that can take a while (three months isn't that long at all, especially if you were heavily invested in the idea of this person for more than a year). Especially the first few times it happens. Those times suck super hard; sorry you're dealing with that.
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Re: Am I trying too hard?

Post by dodomino14 on Thu Jun 30, 2016 3:52 am

Werel, I can't thank you enough for the advice, it's given me my own mini breakthrough. When she said she didn't feel the same way to me as I did to her, I kept trying to, in a weird and pathetic way, guilt trip her into changing her mind. I just sent her a message through Google+ as I have no other real way to contact her, and I basically did what you said (which may or may not have been a good idea, but I'd already accepted that she wouldn't ever talk to me anyways). I told her that it was wrong of me to do that and if she ever wants a friend to weirden her day up, I'll be cool to hang out. No idea what she'll say, if she'll say anything, or if she'll even really get my message in the first place, but I feel better just having said it. Thanks man!

Or woman


I don't really know


THANK YOU MY NON-SPECIFICALLY GENDERED FRIEND!!!

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Re: Am I trying too hard?

Post by reboot on Thu Jun 30, 2016 8:50 am

Hi Bo and welcome!
That was a great way to handle it. Odds are you will not hear anything from her immediately, but you just might changed her most recent impression of you from whiny guilt tripper to a person who owns his mistake and apologizes even when hurting. That is rare at any age and doubly so yours.

For now, I would suggest hiding her on social media and maybe avoiding the places you can avoid while you heal. Out of sight, out of mind is very helpful during breakups. Maybe try out a new activity or hobby and go all in for distraction, preferably one you do with other people to avoid brooding. Time is the main thing that heals breakups and it can take awhile.

Good luck!
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Re: Am I trying too hard?

Post by Werel on Thu Jun 30, 2016 3:59 pm

Laughing You're welcome, my specifically male-gendered friend!

And I agree with reboot-- the ability to realize when you've screwed up, and honestly make amends for it, is a rare and excellent trait. It'll serve you really well not only in dating, but in being a good friend and generally cool person, so props to you and keep it up!
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