Abortion - Looking for Support

[Secrecy]

Hi all. I'm using a different username than I usually go by, because this is hard for me to talk to other people about, even when you don't know who I am.

So, I'm currently in the process of getting an abortion.

I found out officially last Thursday night, the 25th. But I knew on the 24th, even though that was only one day outside of my menstrual range. My cycle is usually 28 days but I'll run as long as 32 if I'm stressed, last Wednesday was day 34. My boyfriend had driven me out, and I took the test. I had bought two, both of which said I could use them that early, because I wanted to know and would've retested if the first wasn't positive. I scheduled my first appointment Friday morning.

I wept when I saw the test, and I had been weeping before then because I didn't need the test to know. I track my body very carefully. My boyfriend and I had been using condoms. We've never broken one, and we always makes sure to leave space at the tip. I just feel so stupid. I had to meet with a counselor as part of my first appointment. She was really awesome and really kind, and she helped me feel less stupid for only using condoms, but I still feel pretty stupid. I mean, we haven't been perfect, but it's been more than three months since we went without protection, so that's not what happened here.

My first appointment was yesterday. We couldn't find the pregnancy on the ultrasound. I chose to watch out of curiosity, not because I had to. It's actually pretty cool seeing your own uterus, even if ultrasounds give crappy images. My lining is thick, but the little white line still looks like it would if I wasn't pregnant. I had to take another pregnancy test there, which showed I have low levels of pregnancy hormones. We then did a transvaginal ultrasound, which is like the shittiest dildo ever, and still couldn't find anything. I'm going in for a second ultrasound this coming Friday, but I have to wait at least 24 hours because of fucking Ohio stupidity, which means that all told this bullshit is gonna take at least four appointments and last over a month before I'm in the clear again.

I will say this. The clinic I went to is amazing. The people there were really friendly, and I came out of my first appointment feeling really empowered and good about things. I had felt trapped and scared, but it was actually a really good experience. I just hope it continues like this.

I'm writing because I feel so fucking alone. My boyfriend HAD to leave on Friday morning. He wouldn't have, but he had to go to a work conference he couldn't back out of on such short notice. So he's in Maine, and I'm in Ohio, and I'm all alone. There's no one here I trust to talk to about this. I had to ride the bus and the rails to get to the clinic - all alone, had to walk past protestors who told me my life is worthless without Jesus - all alone, sat and waited - all alone, had to get an ultrasound - all alone, and have just been doing everything all fucking alone. My boyfriend has been doing everything he can to support me, but I still feel so fucking alone.

I'm ashamed I got pregnant. I'm not ashamed I'm getting an abortion. I am scared to talk about it, even anonymously. I've been shaking the entire time I've been writing this. I'm just looking for support. Thank you.

[Enail]

Oh, man, Secrecy, that sounds so isolating and stressful. As someone for whom getting pregnant is not a risk, all the protectiony stuff seems pretty difficult to keep at, and scarily easy to have a pregnancy happen in spite of all efforts. I don't think it's stupid at all, or that it's anything to be ashamed for.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and going through this on your own right now, and that you're having to deal with awful protestors and extra appointments and unnecessary hassles while you go through it all. Please let us know how you're doing and how your next appointment goes. I'm wishing you more good clinic experiences and getting done with all of this as quickly and as unscarily and as easily as possible.

[Werel]

That sounds so hard, and I am so sorry you're going through that.

You're brave for talking about it, though, and ridiculously brave to be handling this alone. That seems beyond difficult. But you are, sounds like you're handling it incredibly competently, and you can handle it.  I hope you've got people near you who can give you support and comfort right now, even if your boyfriend can only give Skype support at the moment.

And don't be ashamed. Nobody gets accidentally pregnant on purpose. You acted responsibly and drew a bad card--not your fault, okay? Bad luck is not a failing. Sending you good vibes.

[eselle28]

I'm also sorry you're going through this. I've been there. I was also alone, though I did not have to deal with protestors and had to go through far fewer appointments. Both that and the drawn out process sound awful. I was also ashamed about getting pregnant. I think a lot of women are, whatever decision they make about their pregnancies. It doesn't sound like you have anything to be ashamed of, though it also sounds like you know that on at least an intellectual level, even if that stuff isn't hitting you where the emotions are happening.

I'm not going to tell you it's going to be okay right away, because that's probably not going to be true. There are going to be some ups and downs. But it's going to ultimately be okay. I'm going to cross my fingers that the worst bits are already past - and they very well might be - and that there's lots of comfort and support and not too many more roadblocks in the days ahead.

[Secrecy]

Thank you everyone. Really. I feel like there's this weight off my chest, though given how crazy things are gonna be, who knows how long that will last?

I've kinda been in this weird mood. Well, I just have felt weirdly okay with things since my appointment. They really were amazing. Also, the clinic totally has this super awesome brute squad outside to help you with the protestors, and they know a couple of ways you can sneak around with minimal interference. Everything that has been annoying about them or the actual process has been 100% not their fault, and all because Ohio sucks. It's just one more in this ever-growing list of reasons why I wish I was home.

It's just been this constant thought worm. Walk to the grocery store, I'm pregnant. Bought my schoolbooks, I'm pregnant. Visited friends, pregnant, doing my readings, pregnant, wake up, pregnant, shower, pregnant. I keep thinking to myself "Oh for crying out loud, can't I just NOT be pregnant for five minutes?"

I've had zero symptoms so far, aside from my missed period. I feel almost exactly how I normally do after my period. I wake up some mornings, and it almost feels like it was all this bad dream, but then I remember the protestors and their giant ripped-apart-baby posters and the ultrasounds and the little mark on my finger from where they took blood, and I know it's not a dream and it won't just go away if I stop thinking about it.

Ideally, I'll go in on Friday for another ultrasound and we'll actually see something this time. I won't be able to get the abortion then because of the stupid 24-hour rules, but hopefully I can get in Saturday afternoon, and then two weeks later I'll have my last appointment for follow-up. Less ideally, I might be able to get in next Wednesday, and have my last appointment two weeks after that. Worst case scenario, we still don't see anything on the ultrasound, I have to schedule another one, and we start trying to figure out why this pregnancy is just the worst.

[Enail]

That constantness sounds really unsettling and tiring. But I'm glad you're mostly feeling okay even if weirdly so, and that the clinic was so good. I hate that brute squads are needed.

[Secrecy]

So, today I had a second appointment to get another ultrasound. We saw a little gestational sac, which means I can get the abortion now. I won't be able to go in tomorrow, so it's going to be somewhere around another week before I'm able to actually get the abortion, seeing as I won't be able to go before Thursday. I haven't called to set up that appointment yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about things. On the one hand, I'm glad that we saw something because that means I'll be able to put this all to an end sooner than if we hadn't seen anything. And, y'know, it's where it's supposed to be, so at least I don't have to worry about it trying to murder me. On the other hand... I continue to have no symptoms, so I guess some part of me was hoping this was just temporary body-insanity, and that it was all just my body doing weird things.

In some ways, I'm thankful for this experience. I know that probably seems weird or even stupid, but this has really brought me closer to my boyfriend in many ways. Of course, we had already talked about what would happen if I got pregnant. But since we found out, this has opened to the door to so many other conversations; about what we want for our future together, about the kids we might have someday. And I've learned a lot more about myself. That, and I got to see inside my uterus, which sucks under the circumstances but is otherwise pretty cool. I still wish this had never happened, but considering that it has I'll take whatever positivity I can get.

I wish this had happened later in my life. I want kids someday. In the future. Yearsfrom now. NOT now. I'm sad that, really, this is just a problem of timing. But that doesn't change what I will do.

[Enail]

Glad the second appointment went well and that you can get things sorted soon. And it's cool that you're able to take some good things away from such a stressful and difficult experience. Sorry that the timing was wrong, though.

[Werel]

Really glad the second appointment went like you hoped it would. And that it's brought you and your boyfriend closer-- sometimes you learn wonderful things about your partner during shitty, stressful, unforeseen circumstances.

Good luck next week. Hoping it's as easy and low-stress as possible.

[Izmuth]

Good luck!

And fuck shitty protesters.

[Secrecy]

Well, it has officially begun. Today, a couple hours ago, I took the first part of the medication so I can get my abortion. I'm feeling pretty good right now, and glad it's almost over. I've had a hard couple of days recently, but I think I'm going to be okay. Not exactly looking forward to tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to after tomorrow. Of course, it won't be officially done until after my follow-up in two weeks, but it's finally getting close.

[Enail]

Not too much more to go, yay! I hope after tomorrow comes soon!

[eselle28]

I'm likewise glad to hear that this process is almost over for you. I hope you've been able to be good to yourself over the last couple days.

[Secrecy]

Well, so far things are going pretty well. Actually, they're going way better than expected.

I chose to go for a medication abortion, partially because it's less invasive and partially because I don't have anyone here who can drive me to or from the clinic if I went for more than just local anesthetics. I was warned that I would likely experience a lot of cramping and nausea, and I was prescribed painkillers and anti-nausea pills to help with that.

Aside from some nausea when I took my antibiotics, I haven't felt a thing. My antibiotics did make me a bit nauseous. I've had no more cramping than I normally have with my periods and no nausea. In fact, aside from - TMI - much more blood than I'm used to, I've felt no different than I normally do when I'm on my period.

And, emotionally speaking, I'm feeling much better than I had feared. I had a couple of really hard days where I felt a lot of shame and fear and self-loathing, so I was worried about how I would feel now.

My boyfriend told his boss. His boss is a really good guy, and we've been to dinner with him a few times. My boyfriend should be able to come out to visit in a few weeks, which will be nice. It's after my follow-up appointment, so here's hoping everything has done what it's supposed to and I'll finally be free of this!

[Werel]

Glad to hear things are going pretty smoothly, and that the emotional side of things is better than expected-- hope your boyfriend's able to come out in a few weeks once you're totally done with this. Sending good wishes your way for continued low-stress, best-case-scenario outcomes!

[Enail]

Yay, for things not going too badly physically or emotionally, and also for your boyfriend being able to come visit. I hope everything will keep being better than expected and will all be done with soon!

[eselle28]

I'm so glad to hear things have been going as or more easily than predicted for you. I went the surgical route, but I also ended up having an unexpectedly easy time of it. I do think that sometimes even pro-choice sources tend to feature more difficult experiences and that lower key ones ended up being a bit underrepresented. Hopefully you and your boyfriend will have a nice time when he visits soon.

[Secrecy]

It is officially all done! Today, I had my follow-up, and one cup-o-pee and transvaginal ultrasound later my uterus is clear once more! The bleeding stopped a couple of days ago, I had basically no nausea or bad feelings at any point after my medication, and I feel fantastic. My boyfriend will be here in a couple of days, which I'm really looking forward to.

I had really worried how I would feel, given how many times I broke down crying in my shower or on the floor the weeks between finding out I was pregnant and getting the abortion. I was so sick with guilt and shame and anxiety. But ever since I actually got the abortion, things have been much better.

I'm almost one hundred percent back to normal, like nothing ever happened, though I do notice I get anxious when abortion comes up in conversation. Like, in one of my classes, we were talking about whether utilitarian arguments actually matter for emotional subject matters. We were talking about this more as regards drug legalization, but the professor also mentioned the death penalty and abortion as other examples. He used abortion as an example, asking if the argument that having legal abortions is good because it means women have access to safe methods instead of needing to turn to unsafe methods matters in the face of the gut-level "life at conception" versus "women's choice" feelings. We didn't really discuss abortion in detail, but I was very anxious that somebody would start spouting the protestors' bullshit. No one did, luckily.

[Enail]

Woo, that's great that it's all done with and that you've been doing better and that the process was pretty painless. What a relief that must be!

[Werel]

Awesome! Really glad it ended up going so smoothly, and being much less unpleasant than you feared! Have fun seeing your boyfriend with this weight off your shoulders.

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