Last-ditch effort

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Last-ditch effort

Post by LadyIkaros on Wed Sep 21, 2016 7:03 am

This may be a stupid question - or just one with no answers, really - but I figured I'd try, seeing as I'm at loss.

My attitude to finding partners has always been that if I happen to meet someone that's great, and, well, it's been about a decade now. I'm not meeting anyone.
So I decided it was time to get more proactive about the whole thing. And realized I have no idea how.
(My feeling on the matter is that if I at least try, it'll be easier for me to put the whole notion behind me if it doesn't work out and be more or less content with the spinster life, in stead of existing in this vaguely wishful state that is both frustrating and a bit pathetic).

The basic facts:
I'm late thirties, cis het female
No children and not capable of producing any
I live in a reasonably large city (population over a million)

Things I don't care about: His height, his job title, his income (as long as he is a self-sufficient adult who manages whatever income he has).
Things I do care about: Having basic values in common. Attraction and falling in love - I want to feel something more than just general sympathy, and I want it reciprocated. (This is where most dating advice tends to feel alien to my experiences. It's usually all "Love is not enough" and "Falling in love is easy" etc. And it really isn't easy for me. A list of perfectly good characteristics and on-paper compatibility is not enough. I want the damn butterflies!).
I have zero interest in casual sex or any kind of open or poly relationship.

The obstacles:
I'm not attractive. (I don't think I'm hideous, but I'm not pretty and as noted above no one's shown the slightest interest for about a decade).
I'm rarely attracted to anyone. Which gives me the pessimistic feeling that the Venn diagram of men, I could possibly be interested in, and men who could possibly be interested in me, are two tiny, ever diminishing and completely separate circles.
I'm okay at socialising but crap at building deeper relationships. Getting and maintaining a social life is an ongoing struggle, so I don't have a large network or strong social ties to draw on here.
The big one: I'm depressive. It's genetical, it's plagued me since childhood, and it's not going away. I'm managing it as best I can, and I think I'm doing okay, but it is the background noise to my life.

So, on to the actual question: OLD isn't for me, I won't be dragging home some beery stranger from a bar, and clearly friends-of-friends and meeting people at the occasional nerd convention or board game night at a cafe isn't working, so what do you do? If you want to try to do something a little proactive?

If you're still reading, thank you for your time Smile
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by Enail on Wed Sep 21, 2016 2:02 pm

Hmm, do you have a sense of what goes into the times you are attracted to someone? Is there a pattern in the type of men you've been attracted to, appearance or personality-wise, or does it usually take a certain level of knowing someone before you feel attracted, or anything like that?

It's a shame you're not interested in OLD, since that provides ways to filter for the compatible values right up front and it's often a simple way to access a larger pool of people than you can usually encounter IRL. Can I ask what makes you take it off the table?

In terms of the kinds of places you're already meeting people, do you meet a fair number of single men there? Do the men you meet tend to have the values in common that you want, and there's just not been anyone who sparks your interest, or are you not really encountering the kinds of people you'd want in your dating pool much at all?
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by LadyIkaros on Wed Sep 21, 2016 4:52 pm

Nope, definitely not meeting a vast array of single men. (That I know of. I mean, I don't ask all the strangers at board gaming night about their relationship status).
There are of course looks I go for and looks I don't, but I wouldn't say I have a strong preference for one specific type appearance-wise; in terms of personality, someone I feel I click with easily, I think? Easygoing, sense of humour, confident - without playing the clown or being the alpha who dominates the room and the conversation. I'm not good with high-strung people. Usually I have a sense of whether I think there's potential for a spark fairly early on.
And I'm apparently only capable of conceiving of this in the tritest of clichés. My apologies. I think it's because I don't actually have that clear an idea of what I'm looking for. On the one hand I guess it's good not to be fixated on a very specific image of what I want, on the other it's a little like searching with a sense of Shrug

As for OLD it's partly that I - mostly for job-related reasons - would be really uncomfortable having a profile out there, and partly that the whole thing just feels awful to me on several levels. I took a thorough look at OkCupid plus a more mainstream datingsite - the largest for my area - and on OkCupid every man I matched with and found remotely attractive was looking for casual/open/poly. On the other site, they all wanted younger women. Whether or not I'm in his specified age group, I just cannot get over it, when a man is looking for women a decade or two younger than himself, but his upper limit is around his own age if that.
And since we all know OLD is the greatest of number's games and I have no numbers to play with, I figured it wasn't worth trying to power through all my negative feelings about it.
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by Enail on Wed Sep 21, 2016 5:11 pm

It sounds like your big thing is just that you need to be meeting more people. The obvious thing that comes to mind  is speed-dating. But if you have some ongoing room in your schedule, maybe you could also look for new hobby-related meetup groups that you might otherwise enjoy but would also be likely to have people in your demographic? Make some friends, and also keep an eye out for anyone you might be interested in.
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by LadyIkaros on Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:51 am

Ah yes, the conundrum of wanting to meet more people in a time efficient manner, but also wanting to meet them organically and not be put on the spot.

I'm not really familiar with meetup, but I'll look into whether it's a thing where I'm at. Could be worth a shot.

Thank you for your replies.
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by reboot on Thu Sep 22, 2016 9:07 am

MeetUps are relatively time efficient because, unless the group needs an exact head count for something, they tend to be drop in events. This makes it easier to fit in a tight schedule. I do recommend sampling a few before making a decision. Each group, even if they have the same theme, has a different character. I tried 3-4 hiking groups before I found a good fit. There are also explicitly singles groups, some with age cut offs, that might be an option if you can find one that does activities you like. They can be handy for meeting more single people and expanding your network of uncoupled friends
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by LadyIkaros on Fri Sep 23, 2016 5:48 am

Hmm, meetup is a bit of a thing here. Unfortunately, it looks like it's mostly a thing for various ex-pats who're only staying temporarily.

Too bad, it was a good idea otherwise.
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by reboot on Fri Sep 23, 2016 12:17 pm

LadyIkaros wrote:Hmm, meetup is a bit of a thing here. Unfortunately, it looks like it's mostly a thing for various ex-pats who're only staying temporarily.

Too bad, it was a good idea otherwise.

If I were you I would still try them because, in my experience, expat groups always had locals who worked in foreign companies and at embassies as members too. Or at least it has been that way in the last 5-6 countries I visited/lived in. What do you have to lose by checking them out?

Another option is a more formal match making service. Not sure how it works where you live, but here there are people you can hire. It is very private. Or try Table for 8 if it is available. Another option is It's Just Lunch. Those services are not free but they might suit you better
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Re: Last-ditch effort

Post by LadyIkaros on Fri Sep 23, 2016 1:10 pm

reboot wrote:What do you have to lose by checking them out?

Nothing much Smile Thanks. I'll give it a shot. There are two or three groups that might be interesting.

I'm really uncomfortable with any kind of formal matchmaking (or even just OLD), so meeting people because we're doing X activity or participating in Y event is definitely the way to go.
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