my ex stole my self-confidence

Go down

my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Glides on Fri Oct 07, 2016 12:34 am

Hello folks, time for me to try and address something I've been struggling with without devolving into a giant monologue about how much I hate myself.

So anyway, before my ex, I'd spend several years slowly building up to a point where I could speak to attractive women without falling to pieces. I could actually approach, and though I never got beyond that, it was the most progress I'd ever gotten to until that point.

Then my ex happened.

Ever since then, I've only had one partner. To have two sex partners in one year would blow my previous late-bloomer virgin self's mind. Naturally, having sex with two people isn't enough to cure self-hatred, and really doesn't make any difference.

The problem that's emerged is that since the breakup in April, aside from that one partner (I met her through Reddit), I haven't been able to approach a single woman since then. My self-esteem is completely gone.

My ex essentially took my mojo from me. All the self-confidence that people had at birth that took me decades to obtain was taken with her. I can't approach women anymore. I've been avoiding my attractive female friends, and it's gotten to the point where a few of them are angrily demanding an explanation as to why I suddenly broke off contact with no warning. the real answer is that I'm so intimidated by their beauty that I'm too scared to be around them. before the ex, I wasn't this shallow. I could talk to beautiful women, and though none of them ever wanted me, it was still progress.

I think it's because I lost my virginity in a really humiliating way. I suffer from extreme ED, which means Ol Sparky is barely functioning, which means that the majority of our sex life was me giving and her receiving, only because I didn't want her to look at my flaccid member. After about a month and a half of me almost exclusively giving oral sex, she convinced me to try to have sex with her. it barely went in before deflating like a balloon. She proceeded to break down and start insulting me about my "broken dick."

We eventually were able to have sex successfully, but from that point on her attraction to me slowly waned until things finally imploded. You can say all you want sympathetically, but a defective dick is really the ultimate confidence killer. Even more so than being a virgin, with untested potential. My first time using him for what he was meant for and he failed me. I've been with another partner (with more success), but even then she would get upset at me for breaking down right afterwards and suffering massive anxiety whenever we were intimate. To her credit, she didn't insult me.

So now that's what happens. I see a beautiful woman, and the first thing I see is my flaccid dick in my mind. I realize there's no way I could possibly please a woman who could have her veritable pick of the litter. Someone with presumably that much experience has high expectations of her lovers.

"Use your fingers and mouth," you might say. Of course I would hypothetically do that too, but even you got to admit a man is judged for the dick beyond everything else, just like a woman is judged on her nether regions. A dick that can't get hard is nothing to anyone, male or female. People are only aroused by hard dicks.

I could be the best at giving oral, but I'd still be gossiped about as having the most important part of my own body broken. I can't stop that: see beautiful woman, remember broken dick, feel horrible about oneself. Feel inadequate. Not taking out on her, she didn't do this to me, she doesnt' deserve that. Taking it out on myself, because I was born wrong, my genetic code is wrong.

A man without a hard dick isn't a man at all. I'm more than prepared to hear all of your optimistic accounts about how wrong I am. I'm used to it by now. I've developed a phobia of beautiful women, and I don't know what to do.

Glides

Posts : 41
Reputation : 10
Join date : 2016-04-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Prajnaparamita on Fri Oct 07, 2016 9:52 am

Glides, let me tell you a story. Back in my wild days of casual sex and multiple partners a week, I slept with a guy who was a virgin at 25. There was nothing particularly wrong with him, he was just a little socially awkward (but then who isn't?), very introverted, and focused on his work and studies and so dating just hadn't happened. I was his first kiss, and his first pussy.

And you know what? During the first few times we were together and rolling around in bed, he just couldn't get hard for penetration. Or he would start to and then just get soft again when I would try to initiate it. And you know what I did? I reassured him that it was totally normal, that it was okay and I wasn't judging and that it made sense, after all his dick was experiencing all these new and unfamiliar sensations and was probably pretty confused and overwhelmed and his body didn't know how to respond yet and we just had to wait until the nerves and the strangeness died down. Anyway, this continued the next few times we hooked up, until I had an idea. The next time he just couldn't get hard, I suggested that we take a break, just cuddle for a bit and maybe take a nap together. I drifted off into a light nap, until I felt him gently shake me awake, and I saw that my plan had worked. The nap had caused him to develop "morning wood", and we were able to have penetrative sex for the first time. And after that, he had no difficulties getting hard and staying hard for sex, it seems like he had cleared that mental hurdle and no longer struggled with the mental aspect of sex.

Why am I telling you this story? Well mostly because I want to reassure you how common it is to struggle to get hard with your first person, and that the mental part is a huge aspect of it--there was nothing wrong with him, and I suspect there's nothing wrong with you (other than, you know, your unstable and cruel ex who went out of her way to hurt you).

Also, I dunno how much of this you're even going to hear, as it sounds like you've already got your mind set on this matter, but I totally find my boyfriend hot even when he's soft. There's so much I'm attracted to about him, his thick glossy hair, falling in gentle waves, his long, doe-like eyelashes, his long elegant fingers perfect for wrapping around mine, his cute little ass and how good it looks in skinny jeans... Ain't none of that got anything to do with his dick, and that goes for every last guy I've been with. Actually, this might surprise you, but I really love blowing my boyfriend when he's soft. I personally love giving blowjobs, but my boyfriend has a Japanese eggplant dick (looooooooong but super skinny) and so when he's fully hard if I try to blow him I'm choking so hard I sound like I'm dying and I ain't going peacefully. (Which is, understandably enough, a turn-off for him). So I only give him oral when he's soft, and honestly it's super fun, gradually feeling him get hard in my mouth. It's like playing a video game, each level getting gradually harder than the last as your skill and attention have to change. I can't get him all the way hard (because as I mentioned, the retching issue) but I find it very enjoyable, feeling him soft and all the way in my mouth, being able to gently caress it with my tongue and feel his pleasure.

Anyway, idk if any of that is going to help. I don't know if you're willing to hear differing perspectives here Glides, but that's my personal experience and I want you to at least hear that your personal experience and interpretation is not the only one.

_________________
Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
avatar
Prajnaparamita

Posts : 404
Reputation : 234
Join date : 2015-02-05

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Enail on Fri Oct 07, 2016 1:04 pm

Honestly, it sounds like you're pushing yourself through major anxiety and it's no fucking wonder your body is reacting to that by nopeing out. Maybe you need to listen to your mind and take things a little slower so that you're not pushing yourself to breaking down when you have sex?

Glides wrote: People are only aroused by hard dicks.

Really?  Side-eye

People who are not interested in dicks aside, from what I hear from a lot of straight women is that men tend to be way more focused on the importance of their almighty, rock-hard penis to their partner's sexual pleasure than the woman in question is.

Also, I realize that you're speaking from your feelings, but when you make pronouncements on who's a man, that's talking about people other than yourself too, and that's not okay. You don't get to decide who's a man and who isn't.
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3542
Reputation : 1821
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Glides on Fri Oct 07, 2016 3:47 pm

Prajnaparamita wrote: During the first few times we were together and rolling around in bed, he just couldn't get hard for penetration. Or he would start to and then just get soft again when I would try to initiate it. And you know what I did? I reassured him that it was totally normal, that it was okay and I wasn't judging and that it made sense, after all his dick was experiencing all these new and unfamiliar sensations and was probably pretty confused and overwhelmed and his body didn't know how to respond yet and we just had to wait until the nerves and the strangeness died down.

I would've preferred that honestly (not being insulted repeatedly about it for literally weeks after it happened). My second partner has been more like that and she didn't get on my case when I wasn't working, but I could still see the disappointment in her eyes. She's pretty terrible at hiding her emotions and I know she blames herself for it whenever this happens to me (quite often). As a result, I haven't seen her for the past two months because I don't want that happening again (haven't been ignoring her, just haven't seen her in person).

The problem is that I know how judgmental the majority of human beings are about sex (men and women both), and how little it takes to piss someone off and ruin the moment. I'm only focusing on women because I'm attracted to only women, so that means any gay men who would be judgmental about a flaccid dick aren't talked about at all. In my social group are tons of stories about both men and women who couldn't have sex right and are mocked for it. Sexual virility is still one of the ultimate signs of a powerful human being in that particular group (college-aged people). It's less about the actual experience and more about having experiences so passionate and outlandish that you can brag about them later. You're not even bragging to make yourself look good, you're bragging because otherwise you'll be assumed to be too vanilla for your own good.

Ironically this has resulted in me no longer being the most unpopular in my social group, thanks to my ex and most recent partner. The new winner is a guy who has sex with essentially anyone who gives him an offer, and he was roundly teased for driving several hundred miles to sleep with a woman who was balding. I didn't participate, but I sure as hell didn't defend him either.

The same goes for a girl who is exclusively attracted to senior citizens, she was insulted relentlessly for a socially unacceptable fetish. Sexual experiences are not experiences in my group, they're social currency to ensure your own position within the group, and this applies almost everywhere I've been, regardless of location or group.

This is why I lied to my ex about my sexual experience, knowing that whatever I did with her would immediately be relayed to her entire social group at once. When I was flaccid and couldn't get it up, guess who the fuck found out about it? When we had sex for the first time and my dick worked? You're goddamn right everybody knew about it. I still have the photo of the text she sent me where she bragged to her entire social group what a fantastic lover I apparently was (though for all i know she was lying).

The only advantage of the most recent partner is that she has no connection to the rest of my social group, and she's not one to gossip. If you're bad in bed, everyone's going to know. If you don't lie about your sexual experience (and I still do, I have to), everyone will know.

This works against both men and women. I don't want this being interpreted as some "only men have this problem and women don't have any problems" kind of rant. This is ironically the one thing where both men and women are equally hurt. I don't have to deal with catcalling and Nice Guys and all the nasty shit men do to women.

Point being: what you're describing is the way things SHOULD be, but that's not usually how they ARE. While I do appreciate hearing about an example of a respectful and positive interaction, you're the exception and not the norm. I'm not questioning your own moral values for a second, but I know that doesn't apply to most other people.

So while Enail is right in saying that my perspective isn't the only perspective, I don't agree that I'm the only example of this happening. This happens to almost anyone, regardless of gender. Women are shamed alternatively for having sex or not having sex, men are shamed for having broken dicks by both men and women. Everybody who can't compete hurts. And while the best kind of sex is the kind that isn't a competition, it unfortunately is just as much like that as I had always suspected. Maybe not the same way I originally thought (I'm not competing against previous partners like I used to say), I'm competing against everyone else I know to have enough social currency to continue to be allowed to be around other people. The people with the most sexual experience are the most powerful, every single time without exception. There's a few virgins I still know who were naive enough to be honest about it, and not a day goes by without one of them getting insulted behind their back about it. Seeing it from the other side is still pretty horrible, knowing I was almost one of them.

This isn't the way things SHOULD be, but it is the way things ARE. Thus, my new deficiency (formerly a closeted virgin, now severe erectile dysfunction) is what's keeping me down socially.

Glides

Posts : 41
Reputation : 10
Join date : 2016-04-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Enail on Fri Oct 07, 2016 4:05 pm

Where do you find these awful people?! Not everyone is like that, even in college.
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3542
Reputation : 1821
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by litterature on Sat Oct 08, 2016 9:13 am

There are many kinds of dicks, anyway - big, small, hard, soft, male, female, flesh, plastic. You could try a strap-on if you and your partners are really interested in penetration - nobody can compete with a dildo in size and stiffness if that's what is worrying you, and maybe it might help you get over your stage fright eventually. I agree with Prajna that oral sex with flaccid dicks can be fun. You might even try telescoping or simply asking your partner to treat your glans like a huge clitoris. There are many people who are up for this kind of thing so don't get disencouraged.

litterature

Posts : 234
Reputation : 90
Join date : 2015-04-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Glides on Sun Oct 09, 2016 7:11 pm

Enail wrote:Where do you find these awful people?! Not everyone is like that, even in college.

I have only met a handful of people in my lifetime who don't match this type of person exactly.

litterature wrote:There are many kinds of dicks, anyway - big, small, hard, soft, male, female, flesh, plastic. You could try a strap-on if you and your partners are really interested in penetration - nobody can compete with a dildo in size and stiffness if that's what is worrying you, and maybe it might help you get over your stage fright eventually. I agree with Prajna that oral sex with flaccid dicks can be fun. You might even try telescoping or simply asking your partner to treat your glans like a huge clitoris. There are many people who are up for this kind of thing so don't get disencouraged.

I don't think it's necessarily the penetration itself that's the problem for either of my partners. I think it's literally the idea of penis as a symbol of masculine dominant power. Both of them were extremely submissive in the way they operated in bed (though neither had any real interest in any kinks), and the dynamic was almost always me taking the lead in everything, which i like. When it came to oral, I worked just fine giving and receiving. But especially in a far more traditionalist culture, only penetration is considered to be genuine sex. Plus the mentality is if the dick doesn't work, this means you're not attracted to your partner (yes I know that's not true, now try convincing them). To be fair, my first partner had no idea what her cycle was like and had no idea what ovulation was. Sex education is mostly non-existent over here. All the research I did over the years helped a lot, but it doesn't do everything if your partner is taught that hard=good and soft=bad.

So naturally they both assumed I only fucked them because I was horny and desperate (only partially true, horny but not desperate...at the time). The second partner never insulted me about it, and tried her best to convince me that she honestly didn't care, but it was obvious that she was only lying to make me feel better about it. The first, like I said, didn't even extend that courtesy and just complained about my "broken dick" to everyone.

I think the biggest issue I find talking about this (and again, correct me if I'm making assumptions, since I probably am) is that even though I'm sure each one of us has a very varied experience in terms of sex, most of you assume most people are extremely caring and understanding, when I've found that the exact opposite is true. For fuck's sake, 43% of Americans want a man who was caught on camera advocating sexual assault and incest to be President. Human beings at their core are rotten (this includes me, if you've read my posts over the years you have to agree I'm not a good person), the good ones are far and few between. You're speaking from your own experience as good people (which is not snark, you do genuinely come off that way), not from the macro experience of shitty people who care only about themselves (me).

I don't think either of my partners really cared if I could penetrate them or not. I don't think it's because they're womyn or some MRA fantasy about all women being bitches. They weren't even doing anything out of malice (well the second partner didn't). They have been taught the cultural standard about penises their whole lives, that penises are only worth something hard. Sure, you might know better, you aren't going to shame men about it. You're not going to shame women for all the horrible things they're shamed for. But the rest of the world will. The rest of the world is rotten. Nothing can ever convince me otherwise, I've been hurt too often to ever be optimistic about other human beings.

Glides

Posts : 41
Reputation : 10
Join date : 2016-04-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Enail on Mon Oct 10, 2016 1:07 pm

Glides wrote:
I think the biggest issue I find talking about this (and again, correct me if I'm making assumptions, since I probably am) is that even though I'm sure each one of us has a very varied experience in terms of sex, most of you assume most people are extremely caring and understanding, when I've found that the exact opposite is true. For fuck's sake, 43% of Americans want a man who was caught on camera advocating sexual assault and incest to be President. Human beings at their core are rotten (this includes me, if you've read my posts over the years you have to agree I'm not a good person), the good ones are far and few between. You're speaking from your own experience as good people (which is not snark, you do genuinely come off that way), not from the macro experience of shitty people who care only about themselves (me).

Yeah, no. I appreciate the compliment, but no, most people are not extremely caring and understanding, and good people don't necessarily encounter better people than shitty people (and I don't agree that you're a shitty person). A lot of people, caring and understanding or no, don't talk about sex lives in their social circle as much as the people you're spending time with (or at all), and/or just don't care as much about what other people are doing as you think. And you don't find the caring and understanding people just by being a good person, for whatever value of good, you find them by having no patience for assholes and by being open about your values so that like-minded people will see them and people who don't share them will stay away, and by looking hard.
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3542
Reputation : 1821
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Glides on Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:14 am

Enail wrote:

Yeah, no. I appreciate the compliment, but no, most people are not extremely caring and understanding, and good people don't necessarily encounter better people than shitty people (and I don't agree that you're a shitty person). A lot of people, caring and understanding or no, don't talk about sex lives in their social circle as much as the people you're spending time with (or at all), and/or just don't care as much about what other people are doing as you think. And you don't find the caring and understanding people just by being a good person, for whatever value of good, you find them by having no patience for assholes and by being open about your values so that like-minded people will see them and people who don't share them will stay away, and by looking hard.

I feel like if I ask how to do that, I'll get the usual answers of "go to places where people share your interests" or "go to bars and coffee shops" or "go to the gym."

But honestly it would be helpful advice if I had values. I don't have those. I'm not caring or understanding, I know it would be a chore for those types to be around me. I don't have like-minded people, that's what ultimately restricts me from the kind of connections other human beings are capable of. I don't even know how to communicate in this forum without pissing everyone off. I feel like the same dumbfuck kid who came in begging for advice.

All of my progress involved deluding myself into thinking I was worth something. I honestly still wish I was a virgin because I actually feel worse than I ever have since losing it in such an awful way.

Note: I very stupidly made a Reddit post complaining about my ex and being unable to fulfill my current partner's needs. She saw this somehow and got really upset at me about it (claiming I couldn't fulfill her sexually, which I can't). Though I explicitly explained this was entirely my own fault, she interpreted this to mean that I believed she had told me I wasn't enough for her though that's not how I meant it. She's now ignoring me. If this kind of severe miscommunication didn't happen with almost every person I know, I'd be surprised. I literally cannot create and maintain positive relationships with other human beings. The inevitability is that they will all hate me. It's entirely my fault and I deserve every bit of this.

I mean, this is exactly the shit I wrote back in 2013, this is how bad things have gotten.

Glides

Posts : 41
Reputation : 10
Join date : 2016-04-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Enail on Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:02 pm

Glides wrote:
I feel like if I ask how to do that, I'll get the usual answers of "go to places where people share your interests" or "go to bars and coffee shops" or "go to the gym."

But honestly it would be helpful advice if I had values. I don't have those. I'm not caring or understanding, I know it would be a chore for those types to be around me. I don't have like-minded people, that's what ultimately restricts me from the kind of connections other human beings are capable of. I don't even know how to communicate in this forum without pissing everyone off. I feel like the same dumbfuck kid who came in begging for advice.

The "go places" advice is kind of more just about meeting people in general, though it's possible to filter a bit that way for a better chance of finding people you're into. But it's the knowing what your values are and showing it part that acts as the real filter.

You probably do have values, even if you're not conscious about them (and I think most people, at least some of their values aren't things that they're consciously aware of). You think some things are more important than others, right, and that some things are good and some bad? What do you think's important? What kind of people would you like around you? What beliefs would you have a hard time getting on with someone if they didn't share with you?  


Note: I very stupidly made a Reddit post complaining about my ex and being unable to fulfill my current partner's needs. She saw this somehow and got really upset at me about it (claiming I couldn't fulfill her sexually, which I can't). Though I explicitly explained this was entirely my own fault, she interpreted this to mean that I believed she had told me I wasn't enough for her though that's not how I meant it. She's now ignoring me. If this kind of severe miscommunication didn't happen with almost every person I know, I'd be surprised. I literally cannot create and maintain positive relationships with other human beings. The inevitability is that they will all hate me. It's entirely my fault and I deserve every bit of this.

I think the problem here is that you're so focused on your own beliefs about yourself that you decide for others what they're feeling. Your partner has said she's fine with it and that she enjoys having sex with you, she's continued to choose to have sex with you, so when you say you can't fulfill her sexually, you're ignoring her feelings and acting like she's lying. Of course she's going to be angry about that. You're letting your insecurities affect how you treat her and how you talk about her. It's okay to feel insecure about whether she means what she says, but you need to recognize that those are your insecurities talking and they don't get to override her words and actions and wishes.

You're jumping to extreme thinking here. The fact that she's mad at you doesn't mean that she hates you or that everyone will inevitably hate you. People have fights with the people in their lives, that's normal.

I mean, this is exactly the shit I wrote back in 2013, this is how bad things have gotten.

Pretty sure this is not a problem you were having in 2013 Side-eye
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3542
Reputation : 1821
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Werel on Tue Oct 11, 2016 4:26 pm

Enail wrote:I think the problem here is that you're so focused on your own beliefs about yourself that you decide for others what they're feeling. Your partner has said she's fine with it and that she enjoys having sex with you, she's continued to choose to have sex with you, so when you say you can't fulfill her sexually, you're ignoring her feelings and acting like she's lying. Of course she's going to be angry about that. You're letting your insecurities affect how you treat her and how you talk about her. It's okay to feel insecure about whether she means what she says, but you need to recognize that those are your insecurities talking and they don't get to override her words and actions and wishes.
Just gotta applaud and agree with this x1000. Insecurity will make you think you know other people's motives and opinions with certainty ("they're doing [insignificant thing] because I'M GARBAGE AND THEY HATE ME"), and no one likes to have the contents of their own heads explained to them by someone else. Especially if the other person is way off-base, and speaking through a lens of myopic self-loathing. I think you know this, though, from dealing with your current partner doing this very thing-- so you know why it pisses people off. Let people have their own opinions and thoughts about you, regardless of whether you agree. Wink
avatar
Werel
Moderator of "Meeting People and Dating Advice"

Posts : 1884
Reputation : 1094
Join date : 2014-09-25

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: my ex stole my self-confidence

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum