Starting over again

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Starting over again

Post by Dannyboy on Sun Oct 09, 2016 11:44 pm

Hey guys, you might remember me, I've whined on this forum before, lol.

Anyway, about a year or so ago I decided I was going to make this big change and make friends and get a girlfriend and such. Unfortunately, I really wasn't ready for it: I had (have) an alcohol problem that I wasn't willing to meet head on and my anxiety disorder and low self-esteem made the failures that would often come from dating difficult to take, and about a couple months ago I just gave up and began drinking even more heavily than before. It all sort of came to a head when I had a breakdown during a family vacation to my grandmother's and had to leave after only a couple of days because of it. My parents pressured me to tell my psychiatrist about my problems, he doubled my anti-depressant dose and I began jogging every day. Eventually, I worked up the courage to return to Alcoholics Anonymous and I've been sober for a month and week. So, now that I'm feeling better, I wanted to try improving socially again, so I wanted to ask a few questions to make sure I'm headed in the right direction.

First, I've always wondered if I'm being to shallow when choosing girls to pursue. Since I've gotten back into online dating I've had a couple of girls like me who seem to be nice girls in their profiles but who I haven't messaged because of, well, their looks. Should I perhaps just give these girls a chance, its not like I haven't wished girls would overlook my own flaws and lets me have at least a first date.

Second, there's this really cute girl in my AA group and I know I shouldn't be thinking about this but, I've kinda developed this crush on her. It doesn't help that after I finally talked to her for the first time she turned out to be really funny and went to the same university as I did and we talked for a long time about our professors and.... The point is I've sort of developed feeling for her. I know she's probably dating (I think I overheard something about her dating) and that you're not supposed to develop feelings for people in AA, but, would be wrong if I asked her out? If its not wrong, how exactly do you go about it, should I get to know her more first before asking? Should I just avoid her and suppress these feelings of attraction?

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Re: Starting over again

Post by AndytheBro on Mon Oct 10, 2016 12:41 am

I'm glad you're taking steps to improve your situation. When it comes to online dating (which I've been doing for less than a week, so I may not be qualified to answer this), I'd say that if someone is not all there looks wise, but you have a high match percentage and their profile speaks to you personally and you can tell you'd enjoy their personality, then you should message them and see how it goes. If you end up enjoying their company and personality, but truly can't get over their looks, you could always just be friends.

I personally wouldn't act on the crush in the AA group, cause I feel like thats just a taboo in general. If your feelings towards her don't fade away, you could ask her out once either you, her, or both of you end up leaving the group. No need to avoid her, just try not to act on your feelings.
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Re: Starting over again

Post by Enail on Mon Oct 10, 2016 12:43 pm

Hey Dannyboy, welcome back! Sounds like you're doing a lot of good stuff to improve your life!

I agree with AndytheBro that it can be worth giving a try to meeting up with someone that you're not wild about from their photos and see if you find them attractive in person, either because their photos don't give a good sense of things or because they're more attractive to you once you can see their appearance animated by their personality. But I definitely don't think you should "give them a chance" if you're sure you wouldn't be attracted to them or if you find you're not attracted in person. People want partners who are attracted to them, if you're not, better to leave them free to find someone who is.

As for the woman in your AA group, I'd say it's best to leave it be. I'm given to understand that they typically discourage dating within one's AA group for a variety of reasons. And asking people out/being asked out can be stressful and distracting from your purpose for being there for both of you. Be friendly and enjoy the crush-feeling if you can, or else step back a little and keep things polite-friendly rather than getting closer.
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Re: Starting over again

Post by Werel on Mon Oct 10, 2016 5:07 pm

Hey Dannyboy-- huge ups on your month+ of sobriety! That shit is not easy and you're amazing for staying the course.

Gotta second the advice to not date a) people you're not attracted to b) people in your AA group, though. Agreed that sometimes non-photogenic folks may be more attractive in person, so it's not a bad idea to meet up and suss that out, but if you're just not feeling it, do not proceed.
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Re: Starting over again

Post by Dannyboy on Tue Oct 11, 2016 2:21 am

Thanks for all the congratulations guys, I don't deserve it, but thanks. Smile

I'm going to go ahead and just message anyone who likes me on OKC, if nothing else I'll be able to start a few good conversations with some nice girls. I'll try not to get into the "pity-dating" mindset, though. You guys are right, it probably wouldn't make a girl feel good if she ever found out I didn't actually find her pretty.

And you're all probably right about the AA thing either, I was just looking for excuses I guess, I think too much with my dick sometimes, lol. Anyway, I don't have to worry too much, based on a conversation with her today I'm gathering that she's actually a lesbian, lol. Figures that the first true crush I have is on someone who's not even into guys.

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Re: Starting over again

Post by K-J on Tue Oct 11, 2016 8:32 am

You could let it slip that you'd be up for a date, if not now then at least sometime when you aren't in the same support group anymore, if that seems more appropriate.

But really, only if you can get that message across in a lighthearted way without making it weird.

Hehe, maybe you can say it in a roundabout half-joking manner like "Because we're in a support group together it's completely inappropriate, but if it weren't for that, I would totally ask you out". Smile

It's possible to let someone know where you stand without actively pushing for something to happen, and show that you aren't going to be an awkward pain in the ass from here on out. Maybe they take you up on it, maybe they don't. No harm, no foul, right?


If you think there's a risk that things could become so weird between you just from making a pass, that either one of you couldn't go to meetings no more with the other person there, then it''s a pretty bad idea though.

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Re: Starting over again

Post by Enail on Tue Oct 11, 2016 12:39 pm

I disagree with K-J, (aside from her being a lesbian), saying "if it wasn't inappropriate, I'd ask you out," is basically the same as asking them out in terms of how it affects them. If it's inappropriate, that means it's a situation where they shouldn't need to be thinking about how to handle you hitting on them, and just saying "but I'm totally not gonna" doesn't avoid them having to deal with it in some way.
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Re: Starting over again

Post by Wondering on Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:07 pm

Agreed with Enail. Just don't broach the topic of dating with someone you're in a therapy group with. And AA is a form of group therapy in a way.

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Re: Starting over again

Post by reboot on Tue Oct 11, 2016 8:14 pm

Thirding the above. You have no idea where she is in recovery or anything about her history. You do not want the stress of an approach, even an indirect one, knocking her back
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Re: Starting over again

Post by K-J on Wed Oct 12, 2016 5:58 am

Yeah, I have to retract that.

Normally, it's not that big a deal to hint that, "hey, I like you and wouldn't be opposed to get to know you in that way". It doesn't have to be a Grand Earth Shattering Revelation, and I hold that it's not weird unless you make it weird... but this may be way to sensitive for lots of different reasons.

Also, even supposing everything goes well at first, it's a double edged sword to have a relationship with someone who suffers from the same problem you do. On the one hand, it makes it easy to vent and understand one another, but it can also tip over that both people keep reinforcing the same problem you both share.

I recognise this from when two people in a couple are both very shy and have social phobias (if it weren't for the internet, such couples probably wouldn't even exist). Sometimes they actually don't get better together, or it even becomes worse as they become even more reclusive (together). With more serious problems like alcoholism, I can see how it can be a risk definately not worth taking.

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Re: Starting over again

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