I have a tendency of getting insanely jealous

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I have a tendency of getting insanely jealous

Post by Passion on Fri Nov 04, 2016 5:37 pm

This is a pattern that repeats itself a lot in my life. Back then, I would have probably have blamed other people, but now that I'm more self-aware, I know that this is something I need to address in myself. I don't know who else to turn to. I feel like this is the best place that I know of to address my issue.

Over the past few months, I've been chatting with a girl on Kik. We have a lot of things in common (i.e. common interests, belong to a similar community, etc.) and I got the sense that she was probably into me. However, over the past few weeks, she seemed to have lost interest and messaged me less (she would message me nearly everyday before then). I discovered that she may now be into another guy entirely, and this is a guy I seriously don't like (we all belong to the same online community, and I've seen his posts). He has a lot of MRA/Red Pill like beliefs, and I don't really know what to make of all of it. I'm just sort of disgusted by the whole thing. I haven't talked to her in nearly a week. And from what I hear, she's meeting up with him this weekend.

I'm kind of at a loss at what to do. Should I just block all communications with her? Should I see if she realizes that this guy is a misogynist? I feel like I shouldn't be getting involved in long distance stuff anymore. Somehow, I always find myself getting too wrapped up in someone that I haven't even met in person. I feel like an idiot just typing all this. I just want to move on. Maybe it's because I'm so inexperienced, I tend to get too attached too easily.

Also, I'll admit, maybe I was taking her for granted. I was answering her messages less and less. But now that I know about this guy, I'm kind of going crazy.

I know I probably sound petty, especially with how I feel about this guy. I don't know if it's just me being jealous, or if I'm just upset that out of all the guys she would be into, it would be this guy.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I can't seem to focus on anything at the moment and really need to get this off my chest. I don't even know if I'm expressing myself clearly.

Passion

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Re: I have a tendency of getting insanely jealous

Post by Werel on Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:35 pm

Hiya Passion. Points for the somewhat ironic username-firstpost combo. Wink

So, first, you're completely right that jealousy is your problem to work out internally. Props for getting that, which many people don't. This specific situation sounds like there might be an additional layer on top of just jealousy, though: it's not the fact that she ditched you for someone else, it's the fact that she ditched you for someone you find morally repugnant. It hurts to imagine yourself as being comparable to shitty people-- "if this is the kind of guy she's into, and she was kinda into me, does that mean I'm garbage too??"

One thing about jealousy is that it's often not about the specific person, but about feeling like something that was rightfully ours is being taken away. In this case, it sounds like you weren't all that keen on her as a person, but very much enjoyed receiving her positive attention, and now that you don't have it anymore you're going crazy. Are you actually attached to her? Do you miss her, or do you miss imagining yourself as the person she saw you as? How can you find ways to see yourself in that positive light (interesting, worthwhile, desirable, etc.), without relying on her to cast you as that person?

And since it's also tied up in adversarial/judgmental feelings, maybe deal with those too. Do you want to date her, or do you mostly want to best this other dude you hate? Maybe finding an outlet for your "this guy is misogynist trash" sentiments, like finding other venues to combat his ideologies (volunteering for an anti-misogynist cause? confronting shitty behavior when you see it?), could help you drain out some of the big explodey feelings you've got about this situation.

And as for how to interact with her, maybe pull back some until you've got all these conflicting feelings under wraps. Who she decides to date or get close to isn't really your concern at this point; unless y'all have a long-standing tight friendship, it's not your place to warn her about mistakes you think she's making (unless you have reason to believe this dude poses an immediate threat to her, in which case a heads-up might be merited). If it still feels tempting to save her from her own poor judgment, or to convince her that you're right and this guy is wrong, might be best to leave her alone for a while.

One last thing: there are a lot of shortcomings of internet-only and long-distance involvement with people, but in many ways, it's not a whole different bag than IRL involvement. No reason for you to feel silly or embarrassed for having legit emotions about internet situations. It's 2016 and words on a screen are a giant part of how we interact with each other, so cut yourself some slack about letting it affect you.
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