Dating smokers

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Dating smokers

Post by Kiskadee on Sat Nov 05, 2016 12:39 am

Hi, I was hoping some of you wiser people could help me out of this hole I've dug for myself. I'm a nonsmoker (never smoked) who is in a relationship with a smoker. I admit that I hate the way smoking smells, and try to have a healthy lifestyle in general, but I was trying to be openminded. Because this is my first relationship, and I'm really shy, we are taking things slowly. I'm finding that I hate kissing her after she smokes, and on days when her hair smells strongly of smoke, it's kind of a turn-off. As we've become closer and more comfortable with one another, she has been smoking around me a lot more. I don't want to be controlling. Is there any way I can try to get her to chew gum or mints or something after each cig when we are together? Or try to cover the smell in some other way? I feel like this isn't totally unreasonable, since I make an effort to be pleasant smelling, wearing makeup, and nicely dressed for her, but I don't know how to bring up the subject.

On the day we met, she told me she wants to quit someday, but now I think it was pretty naïve to think that was a statement of her actual intent to quit. After dating her for a few months, I don't think I would consider moving in with her or marrying at some point in the future unless she does quit. We have a really great connection, but I just don't want to be with a heavy smoker full-time. I think I have to tell her that, but I'm dreading it :/

Any advice? Am I being a total jerk?
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Re: Dating smokers

Post by sky on Sat Nov 05, 2016 1:56 am

You are not being a jerk to have discovered that the smoking bothers you more than you thought it would.

I do think you might be better off just having that conversaton you're dreading where you say it turns out the smoking is a deal breaker for you and you won't be in the relationship long-term.

In my experience, it's not actually possible to cover up the smell of cigarettes. The smell sticks to clothes, hair, vehicles, furniture, everything.

I have a coworker who tries hard, and instead just smells of smoke AND gum AND perfume AND febreeze etc. If you hate the smell as much as I do, my guess is you will hate the coverup coctail too.
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Re: Dating smokers

Post by Enail on Sat Nov 05, 2016 12:30 pm

It's totally okay to ask her to have a mint or brush her teeth or whatever after smoking! I don't think that's a high ask at all.  A considerate partner will be fine with putting in a little effort for the comfort of the person they're kissing!

I'm pretty sensitive to smoke, but I once had a housemate who was a heavy smoker, but somehow managed to not smell of smoke at all. I believe he spritzed things with vodka to get the smell out, maybe that's something you could ask her to try if she doesn't already.

The long-term part is trickier. Have you guys talked about where you see the relationship going? If you haven't really discussed much, then maybe it's time to start having that conversation in bits here and there and bring the smoking issue up organically within that. If you've been talking and it seems like she's seeing it as a serious relationship with a long-term future, then I think you should probably just bring it up as its own thing, even though that's a difficult conversation, she deserves to know how you're seeing things.
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