How do I sort out my dating issues?

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How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Passion on Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:23 pm

No matter what's going on in my life, I seem to always fail to make anything out of dating. On online dating, I feel like the first few months are fine, and then, it's almost like I'm invisible. I have a hard time asking out women in person. When I do get a date, it ends up going nowhere.

I'm almost going to be 28, and I've never had a girlfriend or even sex. I've been trying to solve my dating issues for over 10 years now, and I'm no further than I was when I was 17. It just feels like I hear one thing, and then even if I try it, nothing works out. I know I sound pessimistic, but I don't know what to do. I just feel like I'm this unattractive, unlovable person.

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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Enail on Wed Nov 16, 2016 8:34 pm

When you say the first few months of online dating are fine and then it's like you're invisible, do you mean that you get lots of responses at first but then no one does after the first few months? What happens with the responses you do get?

What about in person, what kind of situations are you asking women out in?
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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:42 pm

Reply was thank heavens saved from the delete and re-up of the previous thread (because the devil's in the details):
Don't mourn, organize.

1)(assuming OKC) It could just be that OLD does not work for your area. What are your range and age boundaries? Do you have lots of superfluous dealbreakers (logic puzzles, arcane political stances) that tank your match percentage? What's your cutoff percentage for messaging someone? What sort of messages do you send out? Do you update your profile from time to time to give it a bump on the front page?

2)Get involved into something regular (volunteers are now more wanted than ever under a Trump regime) so you have a base of friends to fall back on. A friend base is good, makes you feel like not every engagement is the be-all end-all of your social life. And ask someone out, rejection becomes easier the more you endure it and you're not a mind reader, especially if you suffer a bit from anxiety.

3)How many dates have you been on? How much do you hype dates up in your head? How much do you try to act like you think you should act instead of letting yourself be vulnerable? Also, you can look at the date perimeters on OKC to see that some women are pretty okay with a ten-years-or-higher-age-gap, so it's definitely not all women who find age gaps a turnoff.

Above all, don't feel like you have to push yourself if you don't have the energy, but see how it isn't as hopeless as you feel it is.

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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Passion on Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:43 am

@Enail:

When you say the first few months of online dating are fine and then it's like you're invisible, do you mean that you get lots of responses at first but then no one does after the first few months? What happens with the responses you do get?

Yeah, exactly that. Then, I'll maybe get a message like every few months (on OKCupid). On Tinder, I might get a match every few weeks.

What about in person, what kind of situations are you asking women out in?

TBH, I've never really asked anyone out in real life before.

@BasedBuzzed:

1)(assuming OKC) It could just be that OLD does not work for your area. What are your range and age boundaries? Do you have lots of superfluous dealbreakers (logic puzzles, arcane political stances) that tank your match percentage? What's your cutoff percentage for messaging someone? What sort of messages do you send out? Do you update your profile from time to time to give it a bump on the front page?

I had more success when I was living in the city. At least, I was able to get more messages.

I don't have any huge dealbreakers, and I send messages that aren't the boring old "hey". For example, I'll comment on something on their profile, or make a joke.

I just did a biggish update the other day. I've gotten maybe 2 visitors; one of them being a guy.

2)Get involved into something regular (volunteers are now more wanted than ever under a Trump regime) so you have a base of friends to fall back on. A friend base is good, makes you feel like not every engagement is the be-all end-all of your social life. And ask someone out, rejection becomes easier the more you endure it and you're not a mind reader, especially if you suffer a bit from anxiety.

I am looking to volunteer more, especially with how things are. I do get involved with meetups from time to time, but I don't ever stay consistent because logistics make it difficult to make many of them.

Asking someone out in person is something I really need to work on. I have a hard time gauging whether it's an appropriate time to ask someone out, or if they're interested in me.

A few months ago, I went up to a girl at a coffee shop and told her I thought she looked cute. She seemed flattered, but she seemed busy, so I left her alone afterwards.

3)How many dates have you been on? How much do you hype dates up in your head? How much do you try to act like you think you should act instead of letting yourself be vulnerable? Also, you can look at the date perimeters on OKC to see that some women are pretty okay with a ten-years-or-higher-age-gap, so it's definitely not all women who find age gaps a turnoff.

I can't really remember off the top of my head. I've been on a handful though, and all of them have been through online dating.

I've had a transformative year in many ways and I feel how I carry myself is much different than how I did a year ago. I haven't been on a date for several months, but I feel like I would be a different person than I was, that I would allow myself to be more vulnerable.

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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Enail on Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:59 pm

Passion wrote:@Enail:

When you say the first few months of online dating are fine and then it's like you're invisible, do you mean that you get lots of responses at first but then no one does after the first few months? What happens with the responses you do get?

Yeah, exactly that. Then, I'll maybe get a message like every few months (on OKCupid). On Tinder, I might get a match every few weeks.

So it sounds like when your profile is getting seen, you get responses. BasedBuzzed's first comment #1 has some ideas on how to get seen more, you might need to step some of that kind of thing up. What happens with the people who do respond?  


What about in person, what kind of situations are you asking women out in?

TBH, I've never really asked anyone out in real life before.

Then I don't think your problem is being unattractive and unlovable Razz


Asking someone out in person is something I really need to work on. I have a hard time gauging whether it's an appropriate time to ask someone out, or if they're interested in me.

A few months ago, I went up to a girl at a coffee shop and told her I thought she looked cute. She seemed flattered, but she seemed busy, so I left her alone afterwards.

I would not rely on cold-approaching strangers in coffee shops as your main way to try and get dates; that tends to be very low success, especially since many people flat-out wouldn't date someone who approached them that way, and many people (as you found with that one woman) are busy doing other things. But it speaks well for you that you were able to recognize that she was busy and leave her alone.

How's your social life in general? Do you have many female friends and acquaintances? Do you spend time in relatively social spaces where women in your demographic also spend time? It's great that you're interested in doing more volunteer work, aside from the main benefit of doing something good for the world, volunteering tends to be woman-heavy so it's a good place to put your time if you want to get to know more women that you have a common interest with.
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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by KMR on Thu Nov 17, 2016 3:44 pm

I had more success when I was living in the city. At least, I was able to get more messages.

How far do you have your search radius set? If you're willing and able to date at a bit of a distance, you'll find more matches if you widen it, especially if you live relatively close to a bigger city. Of course, there's always the issue of whether the other person is willing to date at a distance, but it doesn't hurt to broaden your pool and try anyway.

Also, depending on demographics, you may find more high-percentage matches in a different location. For example, I live in a mid-sized city, so I had a decent number of matches there, but I found that there were a lot more high matches for me in a college town about 50 miles away.

I don't have any huge dealbreakers, and I send messages that aren't the boring old "hey". For example, I'll comment on something on their profile, or make a joke.

This is a good start, but do you also make sure to include a question or two? Otherwise, you're not giving them much of anything to respond to that would prompt a conversation.
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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Passion on Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:16 pm

@Enail

What happens with the people who do respond?

Either we have a few back and forth messages, and then nothing; Or we set up a date, go on it, and then nothing.

I would not rely on cold-approaching strangers in coffee shops as your main way to try and get dates; that tends to be very low success, especially since many people flat-out wouldn't date someone who approached them that way, and many people (as you found with that one woman) are busy doing other things. But it speaks well for you that you were able to recognize that she was busy and leave her alone.

Yeah, it's not something that I was relying on. I understand that most people want to be left alone. I'm the same way in a lot of ways.

How's your social life in general? Do you have many female friends and acquaintances? Do you spend time in relatively social spaces where women in your demographic also spend time? It's great that you're interested in doing more volunteer work, aside from the main benefit of doing something good for the world, volunteering tends to be woman-heavy so it's a good place to put your time if you want to get to know more women that you have a common interest with.

I don't really have a social life tbh. The only people I interact with on a daily basis are my coworkers and customers.

@KMR

This is a good start, but do you also make sure to include a question or two? Otherwise, you're not giving them much of anything to respond to that would prompt a conversation.

I have a good number of questions answered as well :/

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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Enail on Thu Nov 17, 2016 6:08 pm

Passion wrote:@Enail

What happens with the people who do respond?

Either we have a few back and forth messages, and then nothing; Or we set up a date, go on it, and then nothing.

What's your reaction, did you like the people you went on dates with? Are the back-and-forths cases where you lose interest or do you ask them out and they decline? I'm trying to get a sense of whether you're not finding people who are good matches for you, or if it's more that people you're interested in aren't interested in you. And how many people are we talking about?

I don't really have a social life tbh. The only people I interact with on a daily basis are my coworkers and customers.

Building a social life for yourself is probably a good place to start, then. Encountering more people and having more people in your extended social circle just organically gives you more opportunity to meet people you might want to date and ways to get to know them and build connections.
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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Passion on Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:03 am

Honestly, I've really been struggling with my self-confidence in regards to my looks and appeal to the opposite sex lately. I'm a shorter guy (5'5), and even though I'm in relatively good shape, I just feel like no matter how much I try to take care of myself, no girl is going to notice.

I know it's a shitty attitude, but I'm just having a lot of trouble shaking it off, especially since a much taller guy ended up getting together with the girl I thought liked me (not to mention, he's just a shitty person in general). I've been having a harder time motivating myself to exercise and eat properly as of late. Part of me just thinks "what's the point?"

I'm even having a hard time focusing on other things as well, including meditation. I've been taking anti-depressants for the last several months, but even that isn't helping as much anymore.

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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by reboot on Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:33 am

Did you ask her on a date? If not, the taller guy probably did and it is that, it not height, that led to this outcome. Do not let your jerk brain filter out the obvious. Height matters to some women, but odds are you have preferences as well. There is no one who is attracted to everyone and no one who is universally attractive.

I agree with Enail and BasedBuzzed. You needed to expanded your social network and activities to meet more people, including women. May I also recommend, if you are comfortable, posting a link to your profile in the profile review thread? We might be able to help tweak it to improve responses
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Re: How do I sort out my dating issues?

Post by Prajnaparamita on Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:43 am

Passion wrote:Honestly, I've really been struggling with my self-confidence in regards to my looks and appeal to the opposite sex lately. I'm a shorter guy (5'5), and even though I'm in relatively good shape, I just feel like no matter how much I try to take care of myself, no girl is going to notice.

I know it's a shitty attitude, but I'm just having a lot of trouble shaking it off, especially since a much taller guy ended up getting together with the girl I thought liked me (not to mention, he's just a shitty person in general). I've been having a harder time motivating myself to exercise and eat properly as of late. Part of me just thinks "what's the point?"

Hey Passion, I know that when you're really insecure about something its really difficult to hear any altering points of view, but I'm wondering if hearing what this particular woman has to say might help. See, I love short dudes. I think they're the fucking greatest. It's not like, fetish level or anything, it's just I've had some fucking great times with short dudes who I've dated and slept with and even when I date men who are taller or of average height, there's a lot that I miss about short dudes. I like being with someone who's around my height, who I can be at the same eye level with, it feels like they're my buddy, my partner in crime. It's us against the world, and wild adventures await. I mean, maybe that also has to do with the fact that those dudes were kinda risky as well--a drug dealer laundering money into his business, an alcoholic and unstable lead singer for a punk band, but that's the association I have now with short dudes, that whatever goes down is going to end up making a great story in the end. Plus with short dudes there's all the great ways your bodies fit together--hugs are so great (trust me, you'll be getting full boob exposure), and just the way that you can casually lean on and support each other, I find it incredibly comforting. Holding hands is also a lot better with a short dude than anyone else--with my boyfriend now, who's of average height, I can't link fingers with him while we're walking side by side, because our hands fall at such different spots.

Anyway, that's all to say I notice short guys. In fact, I often check out short guys (subtly!) while I'm walking down the street. I don't think the whole thing about short men being sexually invisible is true at all, I've checked out and crushed on plenty of short men in my life. Well, not sure if any of that helps, but that's this straight woman's perspective at least.

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