So I just failed out of school

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So I just failed out of school

Post by Glides on Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:29 am

In all honesty, I knew going back was a gigantic mistake, but my folks then offered to pay for the entire thing out of pocket despite knowing what a financial black hole that was going to be, and it was too good to pass up.

Here's where the problems emerge: since this is film school, while you can pass the class (and I did, barely), they determine whether or not you get the degree entirely by the final film you make. And mine was pretty fucking terrible.

I have no excuse for it. My health has increasingly gotten worse since I started back up again. I'm barely sleeping, barely eating (on the bright side, I've noticeably lost weight), I'm losing my goddamn hair, there's wrinkles in my goddamn forehead, I often go days at a time with almost crippling anxiety and depression, the kind of near-constant panic I hadn't truly felt since the last time I was in film school. Every goddamn moment you're being told how worthless you are, every moment people toss out numbers and terms you don't understand because you've been gone for a year and there's new professors now and they're even stricter than before.

Hell, I even know the exact process to getting a movie made, exactly how to get the goddamn studios to potentially agree to make something, and the process is so tedious that it's not worth it. Not to mention what a gigantic financial burden it is on you.

Film school brings out the worst in me. Something was bound to give. Me missing class, me not studying for exams because I'd developed a chronic fear of the textbook, me not casting the fucking film until three weeks before because I'd developed a chronic fear of talking to anybody who acted because then they'd star in a film which I knew was terrible.

The teacher getting increasingly mad at me for having to step out and curl up in a ball in the bathroom, silently crying to myself. Migraines also make frequent appearances too, along with me rapidly losing hair and aging. Every goddamn fucking thing seems to make it worse, typing it makes it worse.

And today was the worst of all because it was the last day, the day you show your film to everyone, and naturally mine was a disaster. I still can't entirely tell you how it was a disaster, but the teacher spent nearly half an hour going into detail as to how it was the worst thing he'd ever seen, and how I couldn't direct my way out of a paper bag, and I'm impressed I didn't cry again until I walked out of class ten minutes later and never went back, leaving my questionaire and my coconut water to rot.

I've already told my folks, they refuse to believe it until the results are in. They keep insisting I'm exaggerating like I apparently always do, that the film is wonderful and I am wonderful and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE ACTUALLY FAILED GODDAMMIT. I'm nothing more than a statistic to them, numbers and letters that make up a value and the only way to ever truly win their approval and love is to have a GPA over 4.0, a feat I've never accomplished (3.8 back in high school when I gave a shit).

I don't know what to do now. I had a job but I was let go. All I feel is absolute terror and panic all the goddamn time and I don't know how to relax. I'm seeing my therapist again this week and hopefully that will help. I know I need to start pronto on anti-anxiety and antidepressants because otherwise this is going to get worse.


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Re: So I just failed out of school

Post by Enail on Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:00 am

It sounds like focusing on your mental health should be top priority right now, it's tough to deal with anything else when you're submerged under panic and depression, so working on that will help you deal with the rest of it.
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Re: So I just failed out of school

Post by reboot on Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:51 am

Sorry to hear school ended as it did and agree with Enail that your first priority should be sorting out your mental health. Failure happens and it hurts like hell, but you are not the first and will not be the last person to fail out of grad school. So get your health back on track and deal with the future later when you are in a better frame of mind
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