Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

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Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by bitboy1993 on Sat Apr 22, 2017 5:19 am

I know I wrote about this a few weeks back and while it helped I'm still not sure what to do......

If I'm honest I still feel like an outsider and it's frustrating to feel that my friends only hang out with me just to see the other guy. The other day we went to visit one of the girls at her house. At one point they all sat together on one sofa laughing and joking while I was left alone. To say that felt bad would be an understatement. I also can't shake this feeling that sometimes I'm annoying them and they would be happier if I did not show up.

My guy friend broke up with his girlfriend the other day and it’s quite obvious that something might happen between him and are single friend. While I'm happy for them it's starting to hit me I might soon become the 5th wheel in the group. I know it sounds horrible but right now I'm trying to do stuff outside the group and distance myself. I just need a break from worrying about if my friends will stop seeing if I'm the only single one left.

I know they care about me as they got me birthday presents but...... when I'm with them it really does feel like I'm not part of the group and just watching from the outside.

If I'm honest I think my own lack of dating success might be getting to me and be surrounded by couples might be affecting me. I don't blame them as it's my problem but it does bother me.

I was thinking about talking to them but I don't want to upset anyone. For now I'm just going to try and do my own thing. I'm less active in the chat and trying to see friends out the situation. Also finally joining clubs and hoping to get motivation to finally finish my online dating profile

If anyone has any advice would be grateful

(Again sorry if bit of a mess just needed to get off my chest lol)

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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by Enail on Sat Apr 22, 2017 12:39 pm

I don't know if this is going on with you, but a lot of the time when I'm with people I genuinely enjoy the company of but I still feel like an outsider, part of it's that I'm kind of staying off to the side and observing and waiting for someone to pull me in, rather than actively putting myself in the middle of things. Do you think it might help to try joining in more yourself when you notice yourself dwelling on feeling apart from the group?

I do think it's a great idea to be spending more time with other friends and joining things where you can meet more people, though. Having connections in different places and enjoying your life whether or not you're with those particular friends is a good way to take the pressure off having to belong perfectly all the time in one cohesive group that's supposed to meet all your friendship needs.
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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by bitboy1993 on Sat Apr 22, 2017 3:16 pm

I do try and throw myself back in but I usually just get frustrated when it feel like nothing's working. I will admit some of it might be me overthinking but I just can't shake the feeling of being a outsider.

Yea I was talking to a friend outside of this group and he told me I might be getting to attached to the group. I love all of them but I also think would do me some good to not make them my whole life.

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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by bitboy1993 on Thu May 04, 2017 7:37 pm

lol thanks to anyone who has answered my tinder stuff will read it soon. So I've been thinking about leaving the group chat I just can't shake this feeling that they only will hang out with me when my guy friend shows up. It's clear that in are group of 5 I'm going to be friends with two couples and I'm going to be the 5th wheel.......

I'm also frustrated that they only speak to me in the group chat yet are happy to see each other and text in private. I just don't know what to do.....they tell me to be more active in are chat but again I do get active. I then realize they speak in private and It's like why bother when all that happens is that I'm sort of left out . I try and make plans with some of them one on one but they always say no. Yet they get annoyed when I can't hang out with them in the group setting.

lol I don't know just frustrated with the whole situation. They got me presents for my birthday....but when I with them I just get frustrated and wonder what’s the point

Both Friends and my parents have told me I need to have a break and just step back from the group. I need to decide what to do next as I just end up feeling like the outsider friend and wondering if they only see me because my friend is going.....  

Anyway sorry just a rant after seeing them tonight
But any advice would be helpful
Cheers

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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by Enail on Thu May 04, 2017 8:11 pm

Honestly, it sounds like you're waiting for other people to do more of the work of reaching out, hanging back and losing interest when you start feeling left out, and then feeling excluded when that seems to result in them not feeling as close to you as they do to other people. I'm not there, so I don't know whether or not this group of friends is a good fit for you or whether or not they are genuinely trying to include you, and so maybe you wouldn't get the kind of friendship you want from them no matter what you do - but right now, I get the impression that you're not really putting in the kind of efforts that would get you that kind of friendship from them even if they are genuinely good friends to you.

What I'm seeing from them is that they're encouraging you to join in more, to participate in chat and to show up for group gatherings, and you're talking a lot about not wanting to bother unless you have iron-clad evidence that you're the bestest of friends. If you're not showing enthusiasm for their company when they're around all together, if you're not making your own efforts to have fun and connect with them in group settings, they might not feel like you really like being around them and want to be friends with them. In your post here, I don't get any sense of them as people you like, or of who you want to connect with individually for who they are, which makes it seem almost like the only reason you want to hang out one-on-one because that will reassure you you're not an outsider. If they're picking up on that, it's not surprising they're not too enthusiastic.

If you want to be friends with these people - and that's a genuine if; maybe the fact that you spend so much time feeling frustrated and left out and obsessing over if they really like you is a reason to decide to step back regardless of how they feel about you (which you can never have a 100% guaraneed, unassailable proof of). But if you want to be friends with them, join in and have fun with them, and start enjoying and trying to connect with them as individuals during your group hangouts instead of thinking of them as one unified Board of Friendship Inclusion.

These people are not the sole measure of your worth or your friendability, and it doesn't sound like it's doing you or your friendships any good to treat them like they are.
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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by bitboy1993 on Thu May 04, 2017 8:25 pm

Yea honestly I know your right I'm letting my own frustrations cloud my judgement. I'm letting my lack of dating experience drive me crazy and not stepping away from it and realize I've still got time to solve my problems. I do tend to push away when I start to feel left out like tonight. I can now see it's a stupid thing to do... I'm doing the same thing that I claim my friends do.

I know it doesn't sound like it but I honestly really do like them as people and I do enjoy there company. They've done so much for me just in the last month and really I've just been stupid and expecting more and more. Your right I expect so much from them when They've done so much for me. I've had some great times with them....

We've arranged nights out as a group for my birthday and also a party around mine. I did buy them easter eggs with my friend not out of insecurity but to show that they mean the world to me. I love all of them and I need to show it and stop causing myself problems.

They've been some of the best friends I could ask for..... I need to deal with my own stuff and stop projecting my insecurities onto them. You are right that the one on one thing is born out of insecurity. I really do love them but I just needed to get out of my own damn way and stop sitting around doing nothing.

Honestly thanks your advice has really cleared my mind. I'm going to be more active in the chat and hang out with them when I can. The group thing of not talking was not only aimed at me but damn it.... I am part of it and running away does nothing. I'm still going to do rowing but not to escape my own problems but rather expand my life.

Finally I'm going to stop comparing myself to my friend and just ..... be a friend. If they do become a couple I will be a friend and I need to realize they care for me. I will be happy for them and work on my own dating life. They helped me with Tinder so I know they care about me and think I can sort this part of my life out.

I've gone into the chat just now and invited them as a group to come chill at mine. I''ve also made a group page for a bowling night out when My friend get's back from japan.

Thank you I needed to hear some tough love to stop feeling sorry for myself and finally be a better friend to my group.
I will step back and keep seeing other friends as well but I'm doing it so I stop being obsessed with my problems.

The only advice I would ask is on how to be a friend with two couples.I just want to ensure I'm the best friend I can be for them

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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by Enail on Fri May 05, 2017 1:04 pm

A couple is just two people, so just treat them as two friends, not some kind of melded entity Grin
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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by bitboy1993 on Fri May 05, 2017 1:41 pm

lol yea makes sense Laughing
thanks

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Re: Sorry....need some more advice on friendship group

Post by bitboy1993 on Wed May 10, 2017 1:09 pm

I know this is probably getting annoying to hear but I just need to vent....

I've just found out my group is planning to go out with various other people from work to a theme park in June.
I've not been invited and to be honest It's hit me real hard.
A friend of mine who left the group on slightly bad terms has been invited and I don't think they would have ever told me about it.
I know I'm probs overthinking but just feel bit down when i found out about this.
It might have been someone outside the groups idea but still......

Anyway soz just needed to vent

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