Should I follow friends advice and use Tinder?

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Should I follow friends advice and use Tinder?

Post by bitboy1993 on Sun Apr 30, 2017 3:33 pm

Sorry been posting a lot I just find this forum really helpful for advice.

My friends have been pushing me to start dating and recently help me set up a Tinder profile. To be honest it still needs a lot of work and I really struggled to write out a decent bio but I'm still using it here and there. That said it’s only been a day since I started but I'm already not really enjoying the experience, it might just be a confidence thing but part of me really wants to quit it. I just find the app and the whole tinder process quite intimidating to be honest....That said I don't want to just sit around and do nothing as that will get me nowhere at all.

I'm trying to improve my chances through joining clubs as it seems a more relaxed way of meeting people. While I'm hopeful it might lead to something I'm also aware it could be a dead end.

Tinder is very popular but I'm someone who struggles with taking good pics and making myself stand out has been really tough. I sort of torn if I want to keep trying it or focus more on trying to meet people in other ways. I know it's a numbers game and all but not sure if I really want to try tinder deep down.
I guess my main question is should I delete Tinder or keep it running as a possible backup plan.  

Also how long would you say is a reasonable amount of time to test it before deciding if I want to move on from the app. Also do you have any tips for motivating myself to keep at it when things are not going well on it.

Cheers

bitboy1993

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Re: Should I follow friends advice and use Tinder?

Post by Werel on Sun Apr 30, 2017 6:39 pm

No need to apologize, dating advice is literally what this forum is for! Wink

Tinder is a very specific kind of experience that works for some people, but maybe it's not for you. If I were you, I might try messing around with it for another few days unless it's actively making you feel terrible, just to try and get a feel for how it works and see if you get your sea legs. But if your gut is already saying nah, don't feel bad for deleting it.

I don't remember if you've already tried OKC, but it's less photo-focused and a little more about your verbal presentation, if that's more comfortable for you. Clubs are also a good idea, as is a gigantic helping of patience. One more thought: classes at your local YMCA/community college/whatever, or volunteer work, especially stuff that skews younger (depends on your interests and options), could help you build bigger social circles. And it's a tired old truism that bigger social circles = more dating chances, but it's pretty true.
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Re: Should I follow friends advice and use Tinder?

Post by bitboy1993 on Tue May 02, 2017 12:20 pm

One thing I wanted to ask is how to not take criticism personally. I've tried writing my profile a few times but keep finding things I need to change and improve. I know it's silly I just feel frustrated at myself for not noticing the mistakes (Bio or the pictures)

Also do you have any advice for dealing with a period where you feel you’re making no progress using Tinder

Cheers for any advice

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Re: Should I follow friends advice and use Tinder?

Post by KMR on Wed May 03, 2017 1:58 pm

bitboy1993 wrote:One thing I wanted to ask is how to not take criticism personally. I've tried writing my profile a few times but keep finding things I need to change and improve. I know it's silly I just feel frustrated at myself for not noticing the mistakes (Bio or the pictures)

Criticism is about improvement and learning, and people who offer you critiques generally have your best interests in mind and want to help you to succeed. Criticism is important in that it offers you additional perspectives, because we all have our blind spots where we aren't going to realize that something might be off (either because we lack the experience to know what works well and what doesn't, or because we can only see things from our own perspective which can be biased in some ways). So try to always remind yourself to view criticism as a positive thing rather than a negative one. I know this can be really difficult, because the gut reaction to criticism is often to feel like we're under attack, and it's really hard to get past that feeling. Don't beat yourself up for feeling hurt by criticism--'cause it's a perfectly normal reaction--but try not to linger over that feeling too much. Repeat to yourself that the criticism is not meant to hurt you and that it is meant to be constructive. Try to think of the critique as a chance to say, "Hey, I learned something today, now I can work on getting better." It'll be a tough process, but over time, you can train your brain to react more productively to criticism.

bitboy1993 wrote:Also do you have any advice for dealing with a period where you feel you’re making no progress using Tinder

I don't have any personal experience with Tinder, but from what I've heard, it sounds like it isn't as easy as it seems and a lot of people have struggled to find dating success via Tinder, so recognize that you're not alone in this. Also keep in mind that Tinder is just one avenue for meeting people and there are plenty of other ways to try and get dates if this one isn't working out. Different methods play to different sets of strengths, so you may find that Tinder just isn't the best format for you. Or that Tinder requires a specific set of skills that you may need to develop to improve your success with it, which may take a lot of time and work, and you can decide if you think that's worth pursuing or not. If you do find it especially frustrating, feel free to take a break until you feel more up to it, or just quit using it altogether and focus on other methods of meeting people.

As for dealing with the feeling of frustration itself, one way is to view progress not as obtaining certain outcomes (e.g. getting dates) but instead focusing on accomplishing goals that are entirely within your control. Set goals like "message/approach X new people each day" or "spend X minutes working on improving your profile every week" and take pride in yourself for the work you do towards those goals. Because remember, even if you do everything right, you can't guarantee that a given person will decide to date you. But as long as you're taking chances and approaching people, you're improving the odds that a date or relationship could happen.
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