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Post by Specs on Sat Oct 11, 2014 3:33 am

hey guys and gals alike. so i just joined, reffered by gentleman johnny. you lot seem like a smart bunch so maybe you can help me out?


i am very lost to start with, been single for a very long time and looking to start dating again, but every time i try i either end up drunk alone being otaku, or creeped out and last time even stalked.... i go to all sorts of places, bars of various sorts, clubs, and my all time favorite, wasteland weekend even. but the same result. i see an interesting person, and i begin to talk to them, we seem to click and then poof, im sitting alone wondering what i said wrong. is this normal? any advice or help would be greatly appreciated, as i read the other posts as well



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seeking advice. dating. lonely roman style Empty Re: seeking advice. dating. lonely roman style

Post by fakely mctest on Sat Oct 11, 2014 12:36 pm

First of all: I'm sorry that you were stalked. That sucks and shouldn't happen to anyone.

I think it would be hard to say what's at play specifically without seeing what's going on firsthand. Likely, it's not the same thing for every person and something that jumped out at me from your post is the fact that you're framing it as something you said wrong. There are tons of different reasons why people would talk to someone for a while in a highly social setting like a bar or a club and then go off and talk to someone else. In my experience, that is pretty much the nature of bars and clubs and you seem to want to transition into a one-on-one type scenario.

One thing I'd recommend is, the next time you meet someone who you think you've got a good rapport with, after you've talked for a bit, ask them out. It doesn't have to be fancy, just a, "Hey, I'm really enjoying our conversation and I'd love to go out for a coffee/a quiet drink later this week and keep it going. What do you say?" If yes: fabulous, you've got yourself a date. Get their number and suggest a day/time that week. If no/soft no: it's good practice. Nothing ventured etc etc. Say, "That's too bad," and then move on with the conversation.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Sat Oct 11, 2014 3:26 pm

What's your gender? The stalked part makes me think dudette, but the otaku remark makes me think dude. Anyhow, the gender neutral part:

Cap the booze intake at a pleasant buzz level. This ensures you remain in the control of the interaction and don't train yourself in relying on Dutch courage.

Also, people moving along to others during the course of the evening is pretty normal: make sure to socialize with plenty of folks so it makes it less awkward to step up to the person you fancy later on.

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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Sat Oct 11, 2014 3:45 pm

Specs is a guy. Definitely going to second Fakley's casual ask suggestion. There are a few tricks that make it easier:
1. Ask before you get particularly invested in a person. That way its not crushing if she says no and
2. if she does say no, change gears back to conversation like its no big deal. Ideally you can do this because its not a big deal.

Obviously this is trickier at one of our big events but you can still do something like "hey, I was thinking of checking out the vendors/this act coming up etc". Its not a date but it'll get you some one on one time. Afterwords ask about Facebook, phone number or whatever. I wouldn't try for much more at a con or event unless things escelate to the point where you're both basically doing the event together.

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Post by Specs on Sat Oct 11, 2014 5:43 pm

all things i will have to consider. and as for the drinking part. it takes a rather large amount of alcohol to put me under, the amount that i cant afford >.< except at wasteland where booze is free. but yes ill try asking for a casual time in the future next time i go. tho i admit, i still worry i might be saying something. I am proud to say a am a nerd. from minecraft to Halo, and everything in between, with about two metric tons of metal on the side (mushroomhead, metallica, slipknot, etc etc.) and even a little dable into the first three seasons of MLP just to get an honest opinion of it. perhaps im going to the wrong scenes too? just a thought. oh yes and the fact always comes up that i go out to the desert once every year dress up like the world was bathed in nuclear glory and party my life away. that could be off too right? v.v im a mess and i know it lol
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Post by UristMcBunny on Sat Oct 11, 2014 6:54 pm

It is theoretically possible you might be saying or doing something that is a red flag, but honestly there's really no way for us to know without more specific examples of interactions. That said, everyone is right - in a lot of social settings, it's normal to talk to a whole bunch of people for short periods of time each, so the fact that the conversations go well and then the women you're talking to go off to do other things doesn't sound unusual to me.

Definitely ask someone out if you're interested in them, reasonably early in the conversation. Once you've had a brief chat and you still find them interesting, you've got nothing to lose. And just remember not to build it up as anything big in your mind - rejection isn't a judgement on your worth as a person, and attraction is a weird and slightly random thing, so if it doesn't work out the first few times you try it, that doesn't say anything bad about you.

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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Sat Oct 11, 2014 7:29 pm

Specs wrote: oh yes and the fact always comes up that i go out to the desert once every year dress up like the world was bathed in nuclear glory and party my life away. that could be off too right? v.v im a mess and i know it lol

All depends on how you frame it. I mean, on the one hand I wouldn't want to go out with anyone who would lose interest in me over Wasteland. My OKC profile photo is me on stage at Wasteland because if anyone's going to be scared off by the burlesque troupe, the wild outfits or events like Wasteland, I'd rather they know about it going in. On the other, you can compare it to Burning Man, outdoor concerts like Coachella or even just camping. At somewhere like a Comi Con, showing up in your Legion costume and talking about Wasteland gives you some cool factor, something you can hang a conversation on.
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Post by Specs on Sat Oct 11, 2014 9:55 pm

multiple occurances of learning hath happened here..... it shall be put into practice soon. thanks all!
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