Who was the a-hole in this situation?

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Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by BlackBart on Mon Jul 31, 2017 2:02 pm

Hey, guys. BlackBart here. I'm new on this forum so please be understanding. I have a quick situation I need to run by you.

So, today I invited a girl I know (I wouldn't go as far as calling her a friend) to a trip to a mall. Nothing serious, just hanging out there. After some time spent checking out stores, she started insisting on coming over to my house. I refused, time after time, saying that I needed to clean up first before inviting anyone (which was 80% true - the rest was I really didn't want ot have her over). She then went on about how unfriendly, mean and generally an a-hole I was, that first I invite her and then I don't want to hang out more. I was getting really tired of her, to the point my head started to hurt.Angry  She then rung up her friend and the two of them left, freeing me of that torment.

Now, my question is: was I really that much of an ass, not wanting to have her over?confused  How this situation developed pains me because I wanted it to help some of my social anxiety and poor communication skills, and it ended up making me not want to see another human for a long, long time.

I'd really like your input on this one guys, and thank you Smile
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Re: Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by Enail on Mon Jul 31, 2017 2:48 pm

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting her to come over, and it was very rude of her to push. My best guess that's somewhat sympathetic to her is that maybe she was trying to hint that she wanted things to get romantic, and she felt hurt and embarrassed by your refusal and she handled that badly, but there's still no excusing badgering and insulting you for wanting to have an outing together without signing on to something more than that.
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Re: Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by BlackBart on Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:02 pm

Enail wrote: My best guess that's somewhat sympathetic to her is that maybe she was trying to hint that she wanted things to get romantic, and she felt hurt and embarrassed by your refusal  and she handled that badly  

With this girl I'm not so sure anymore. She used to send me signals that she was interested but that was at a time when she had a boyfriend, who wrote me threatening messages should I as much as look at his girlfriend. When I approached her about that particular matter, she said she sees nothing wrong in his behavior and that her being "flirty" (I have never been flirted with so it's hard for me to tell) was just a way to "kill the boredom". At the time I also thought she was setting us up on one another, to see who cares more.

She broke up with that guy, and even though I might have wanted to pursue some romance with her (would be my first) I never felt enough courage to breach the subject (also I feared that she and her ex might get back together, and he might want to hurt me).

So now I find myself here - confused beyond measure. I am admittedly lonely (no friends at all), and part of the reason I invited her was I guess desperation. I knew I might not like hanging out with her, but she is the only one who would not turn me down.Instead of maybe trying to have a good time, I spent an hour hating myself for coming up with this idea.    

God, that was a horrible monday. The only good part about it was that I finally got to see "War for the Planet of the Apes" which is an awesome movie. Smile
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Re: Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by Werel on Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:04 pm

Yep, I agree with Enail - she was being super rude. Going to somebody's house is a thing you are invited to do, and it's pretty pushy to ask (much less demand!) unless you have been good friends for some time. I had a friendly acquaintance at school last year who kept pushing to come to my house when I didn't want her there, and guess what, we never became friends because that shit is annoying and rude. I don't think you were unreasonable.

And "she was hurt at implicit romantic rejection" does sound plausible as a sympathetic-to-her explanation, but it's also possible she's just got bad social calibration/is a pushy person.

edit: Yeesh, based on your second post, this is a person who stirs up shit that could hurt other people "just to kill the boredom"? I'm glad this is someone you just hung out with out of desperation, not someone you're legit attached to, cause she sounds like a bit of a mess waiting to happen. Neutral

Also possible that she's one of those assholes who thinks "lonely person = carte blanche to treat them as badly as I want, because they're desperate enough to put up with it." Even if you're lonely, you deserve better than hanging out with someone who's a jerk to you-- better to save up that social energy and put it towards meeting people who'll act right.


Last edited by Werel on Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by BlackBart on Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:16 pm

Werel wrote: And "she was hurt at implicit romantic rejection" does sound plausible as a sympathetic-to-her explanation, but it's also possible she's just got bad social calibration/is a pushy person.

edit: Yeesh, based on your second post, this is a person who stirs up shit that could hurt other people "just to kill the boredom"? I'm glad this is someone you just hung out with out of desperation, not someone you're legit attached to, cause she sounds like a bit of a mess waiting to happen. Neutral

I'd say that she is just pushy. Like really pushy. I would not want to hang around with people like her for long. But here comes the desperation thing - it's not so fun for me. I mean, now I know that with her it's not going to work, even as "friends". But it's always one connection lost, isn't it? I really do have trouble connecting with people, I intend to go into therapy for it in September. And I always had this little glimmer of hope that maybe this time it's going to be different, maybe better. Ugh, I'm too tired for this. Thanks, Enail and Werel for your input, I really needed someone to talk to Smile
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Re: Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by Werel on Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:22 pm

Yeah, I hear you-- when social connections are really thin on the ground, losing even bad ones can feel lousy. I hope therapy helps, and if you ever want to talk about friend-making or friend-seeking strategies outside of therapy, that's what this forum is for. Smile
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Re: Who was the a-hole in this situation?

Post by BlackBart on Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:27 pm

Thanks, I'm sure I will need some guidance on those matters. Smile

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