Jealosy, Resentment, Lonliness possible [vent]

[nolorn]

While I'm sure we are all mostly decent people, I'd be lying if I said we did not ever experience these feelings, particularly in the toxic crucible of a relationship.

So how do you deal with the feelings of lonliness? of jealosy? of resenting others for their successes? Do you have a system? Do you repeat a mantra? consult your therapist?

I'm not the kind of person who shares these feelings to people I know, both friend and family, as I feel I will be alienating them.

I usually listen to music: some examples:




these usually have a shotgun effect and blot out all of these things, I'm not sure it is the best thing but hey it makes me feel better after.

How about you? what do you do?

[nearly_takuan]

Please note that the following is the result of brief introspection and reflection (no research), which means that it is something I think (but do not know) is true of myself; it is not intended as a statement about anyone else's mindset.

My distraction of choice is usually some kind of video game. (When there's a new book out that I have a lot of interest in, I read that—but since I also read it even when I don't necessarily need distraction, I rapidly run out of books!)

However, I often find that jealousy and resentment can be dealt with somewhere closer to the heart of the problem, and I prefer those kinds of solutions over fleeting distractions. (I don't have an answer for loneliness—only questions.)

More specifically, jealousy tends to come with a belief that the person I envy not only has more X than me but is more deserving than me as well. The stock phrase "it's not fair!" and petulant expression may be outwardly tempting, but the part that stings most is that on some level I assumed it was fair, and I'm just not good enough. So I try to block all of that out. I remind myself there are things I've gotten that I did not deserve, and that there are many wonderful things I thoroughly earned. I basically let myself dwell a bit on good and great things I've done in the past, as a way of reminding myself that X is not the sole measure of a person's worth and I am not worthless.

Resentment is a bit more broad, but it tends to surface mainly as a result of my own choices—e.g. congratulating a friend on something I wish I could have, or otherwise outwardly "being happy for" an individual when it feels like some larger darker inner part of me does not want to be happy for them. Whatever negative emotion I would have wanted to express gets "bottled up" and a culture of resentment thrives on the system. But I sit with it, and I give it some positive spin so I can stop hating myself for even feeling resentment (usually along the lines of having the self-control to not start grousing in front of other people and ruining everyone's fun). And then when it's not giving me a reason to hate myself, there's no reason for it to continue to exist, so it just sort of dissipates. Like, why hold on to resentment if I can't be grumpy about it?

[kleenestar]

I find it helpful to acknowledge what I am feeling, and also to recognize out loud that it will pass. It sounds cheesy, but saying, "I'm feeling jealous of [person X] right now" helps remind me that I can tolerate the unpleasant feeling without letting it dictate my behavior, and that I'll feel differently in a little while.

[Jayce]

Well last week I was catching the bus and there were this couple which were quite loving towards each other and were holding hands. At first I felt a bit jealous and wished I was successful in dating like they were. About one second later I thought to myself that feeling this way is unhealthy and how is being jealous of other people going to make me more successful in dating anyway? About another couple of seconds later I remembered some advice given out by this community (sorry can't remember who) that practicing empathy towards others can be a useful way to diffuse resentment or jealousy. So I thought hey, they look pretty happy and successful, thats awesome. Someday I could be like that. I feel happy about the fact that they succeeded. 

And you know what? I actually started feeling happy that they found each other. 

As for loneliness. Sometimes I feel lonely but i would ask myself, well do you have friends? I would answer yes, then which my mind would answer then you're not alone. After addressing that, I would ask, do you feel lonely? I would answer yes. Then I would ask why? Afterwards I would say to myself, so what are you going to do to fix that? 

An example of this is last week my family didn't respect my privacy and went through a pamphlet or something that I got from counselling). Then they repeatedly accused me of getting myself into trouble and that I make them look bad in front of other people. They believe that people only go to counselling if they have like a physical brawl with somebody. Then they kept questioning me about what fight I got into and would never leave me alone. What was ironic was that I was going to counselling because I have issues with them. Not anybody else, them. And the fact that they told me that they were only concerned that I was going counselling because it makes them look bad and not respecting my boundaries or privacy pretty much tells me that they don't care at all about how I feel (something which I already known a long time ago).

So from that experience I felt quite lonely and since I didn't have much of a social circle either it felt like I was alone without any support. So I used the coping strategy that I described. The first thing I did about my feelings of loneliness was to tell a friend. The second thing I did was that I went out to a social gathering the next day and met quite a few wonderful people and also socialized more with those I already knew. After that I didn't feel lonely anymore.

I don't know if my strategies would work for you but this is just what I do.

[Werel]

About another couple of seconds later I remembered some advice given out by this community (sorry can't remember who) that practicing empathy towards others can be a useful way to diffuse resentment or jealousy. So I thought hey, they look pretty happy and successful, thats awesome. Someday I could be like that. I feel happy about the fact that they succeeded. 

And you know what? I actually started feeling happy that they found each other. 

This is wonderful. That is all.

[nolorn]

Well last week I was catching the bus and there were this couple which were quite loving towards each other and were holding hands. At first I felt a bit jealous and wished I was successful in dating like they were. About one second later I thought to myself that feeling this way is unhealthy and how is being jealous of other people going to make me more successful in dating anyway?

oh gosh couples... I saw a couple making out a few months ago, quite handsome, and lesbian... I just realized that they probably had more trouble than me their entire lives, and had to face quite a lot of obstacles and bigotry, sure they were physically attractive, but realizing that they, after all the hostility they face still managed to find each other, especially in a state like Texas, really hit me hard and I realized how little richness there was in my life and how much of an abject failure I was in the romantic sense.

After all my advantages... nothing, I realized I was 23 and I had experienced nothing like they had and probably have. What they shared was totally alien to my experiences. Since then any movies that feature romance and love have become unbearable and painful to watch.

It was a body blow to me and I swore I would better myself, somehow- I have since lost 15 lbs since then and am 212 lb down from my peak of 246 2 years ago- but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

Exercise, specifically lifting is probably the few reasons I am somewhat sane.

[nearly_takuan]

oh gosh couples... I saw a couple making out a few months ago, quite handsome, and lesbian... I just realized that they probably had more trouble than me their entire lives, and had to face quite a lot of obstacles and bigotry, sure they were physically attractive, but realizing that they, after all the hostility they face still managed to find each other, especially in a state like Texas, really hit me hard

There. This. This part. You can relate to the unfairness and hostility they deal with, or at the very least understand that it's there and is hard just like certain parts of your life are hard. From there, if you can be at least a little bit happy for the fact that they managed to find something good in the middle of all those obstacles, and then also do or think of something that makes you feel good about yourself in a totally unrelated way, those things together will probably do a lot to dispel the feelings of jealousy.

What you're doing instead, this:

and I realized how little richness there was in my life and how much of an abject failure I was in the romantic sense.

After all my advantages... nothing, I realized I was 23 and I had experienced nothing like they had and probably have. What they shared was totally alien to my experiences. Since then any movies that feature romance and love have become unbearable and painful to watch.

makes jealousy worse, and this:

It was a body blow to me and I swore I would better myself, somehow- I have since lost 15 lbs since then and am 212 lb down from my peak of 246 2 years ago- but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

Exercise, specifically lifting is probably the few reasons I am somewhat sane.

seems to actually be reinforcing some of your feelings of resentment and self-loathing. It's good if you're mostly feeling good about losing weight, and maybe it's just a phrasing thing, but to me it kind of sounds like you're still more fixated on how much weight you still have—one more thing to hate yourself for.

I'm not saying stop exercising or get "fat" again; just try (it's hard, I know) to adjust the way you look at stuff like this.

[Guest]

I have a few people I can vent to; I try to spread it around so no one person gets the brunt of it, and it helps that they're generally in somewhat different situations, so that I don't (for example) talk about my uncertainty of what's going on with a long-distance hookup I've stayed in contact with with the friend mourning her first heartbreak with a long-distance hookup. This forum counts as one, occasionally. Most of the time I find I'm all right with a quick "I feel sucky, and this is why" - not that I necessarily feel better, but I don't feel the need to expunge any more after that.

Beyond that, it's mostly a matter of acknowledging that I hurt, this sucks, and yep I'm jealous/lonely/envious, there's those feelings curdling in the pit of my stomach, man I can't wait for this to be over (because I know this, too, shall pass). If I'm not distracting myself with something I can lose myself in, like a show or an event or a game or a sappy feel-good movie/comedy or otherwise, I tend to just sit sullenly with my feelings and sigh that I can't hurry along the process of feeling better. I'll usually reiterate all the logical aspects of whatever's making me feel bad (they're not doing this at you, it's a total coincidence, look it's been way long enough that there's absolutely no logical justification for feeling weird about this), then reiterate that I feel bad about it anyway, and just let that contradiction sit. Taking a nap seems to help me quite often - I tend to wake up with blunted emotions, and nothing's quite so immediate.

[Guest]

Taking a nap seems to help me quite often - I tend to wake up with blunted emotions, and nothing's quite so immediate.

I've felt this way too. It's very strange and makes me feel like, "Did all of that shit I felt yesterday really happen?" followed by a dismissal of my own feelings.

With regard to resentment: Sometimes/a lot of times the feeling alone is very ugly. Enough for me to go "Nope, I can't handle all this hate, it's too much and too caustic to hold in one's body". I don't need to hang on to something that reminds me of how big an asshole I am for not being happy for people who I perceive to have more of whatever I don't.

I tried well wishing people in my head as a kind of pre-eminent strike at the part of me that likes to be bitter. For the most part I think it works well, even if I'm still left feeling down.

[nolorn]

oh gosh couples... I saw a couple making out a few months ago, quite handsome, and lesbian... I just realized that they probably had more trouble than me their entire lives, and had to face quite a lot of obstacles and bigotry, sure they were physically attractive, but realizing that they, after all the hostility they face still managed to find each other, especially in a state like Texas, really hit me hard

There. This. This part. You can relate to the unfairness and hostility they deal with, or at the very least understand that it's there and is hard just like certain parts of your life are hard. From there, if you can be at least a little bit happy for the fact that they managed to find something good in the middle of all those obstacles, and then also do or think of something that makes you feel good about yourself in a totally unrelated way, those things together will probably do a lot to dispel the feelings of jealousy.

What you're doing instead, this:

and I realized how little richness there was in my life and how much of an abject failure I was in the romantic sense.

After all my advantages... nothing, I realized I was 23 and I had experienced nothing like they had and probably have. What they shared was totally alien to my experiences. Since then any movies that feature romance and love have become unbearable and painful to watch.

makes jealousy worse, and this:

It was a body blow to me and I swore I would better myself, somehow- I have since lost 15 lbs since then and am 212 lb down from my peak of 246 2 years ago- but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

Exercise, specifically lifting is probably the few reasons I am somewhat sane.

seems to actually be reinforcing some of your feelings of resentment and self-loathing. It's good if you're mostly feeling good about losing weight, and maybe it's just a phrasing thing, but to me it kind of sounds like you're still more fixated on how much weight you still have—one more thing to hate yourself for.

I'm not saying stop exercising or get "fat" again; just try (it's hard, I know) to adjust the way you look at stuff like this.

actually now that I think about it I was not jealous of them- the experience was something that was a spark inside a poweder keg of emotions that were in the back of my mind but exploded on that day.

I kind of realized that I was/am sexually invisible and very undesirable- that the failiures were too big to ignore

I really don't know how you are supposed to take that in stride or brush it off, or what ever self help internal validation bullshit thing you are supposed to do. A revalation like that hurts.

I am mostly resigned to my fate, but working out feels like I am doing something/anything to delay the inevitable.

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