Rejected after coming so far.

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Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Thu Sep 28, 2017 10:03 pm

I've been dating this girl over the past month, I really like her and we have so much in common. We both work at the local library district as assistants, we both went to the same high school and had many of the same teachers (though, we never met before this the end of last month), we both like Bioware games, and we both have liberal/socialist political views. We went a lot of place, we kissed a lot of times. Then I decided to invite her over, at first she just didn't respond. Then she said "You know, I had a lot of fun with you, but I'm looking for something else, I'm sorry". I fucked it up, I was too needy, too boring, something, I don't know exactly what. If I can't create a relationship with someone so similar to me, I don't think I'll ever have a relationship with anyone. I'm chubby, socially-inept, inexperienced, no one wants to deal with me.

I wish I could escape, I wish so much I could be someone else, not have to deal with all this. I wish I could go into the mountains and live alone and never, ever have to deal with rejection ever again.

I wish I knew what I did wrong, I wish I had some inkling as when things turned sour. Everything seemed great after Sunday night, we kissed, she sent me a text saying she had a good time... I don't know what I did wrong, I wish I could go back in time and change what I said or what I did or least change things up so that I never met her to begin with.



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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Enail on Thu Sep 28, 2017 10:23 pm

You don't have to have done something wrong. You don't have to be something wrong. You had a good time with someone for a time, and then it turned out she didn't want to keep it going. It sucks, it's disappointing, it hurts, and I'm sorry it happened to you, but it's a thing that happens to interesting, non-needy, likeable, attractive people all the time. It doesn't mean something bigger than 'it didn't work out.' It doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with someone else, that you don't have possibilities for the future - and similarities aren't a guarantee and differences don't have to be obstacles.

Look after yourself while you're grieving this relationship. It's okay to be hurting, be kind, ride it out, and try not to beat yourself up or to take it as too much about the future.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Werel on Fri Sep 29, 2017 12:39 am

Oh man, Dannyboy, I'm really sorry things didn't work out with her. It sounds like you're way deep in immediate post-breakup misery right now, and that's okay-- it hurts when somebody you're excited about says nah, and you should give yourself a little time to grieve the relationship.

But like Enail said, in all likelihood, it's nothing you did wrong; she just wasn't feeling it, for whatever reason. It doesn't sound like there was some specific incident that went badly, just things fizzling out. Try not to beat yourself up over it, or take it as a referendum on your worth as a person. There'll be a next time and a next person. Take good care of yourself till the hurt lifts a little.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Fri Sep 29, 2017 8:29 am

Thank you both for trying to make me feel better.

I feel like meeting this woman was like the spirit of the world giving me one last chance , “ this girl has everything in common with you Daniel, if you can’t get her to love you then you’re doomed to a life of lonlieness”. And I messed it up, my one chance.

Now that I’ve been thinking about it, maybe she only went out with me since I took her to fun places like museums and tea houses. She always e paid for herself, but she needed my car to get to most of these places. Maybe the long walks afterwards, the times we’d stop at a cafe after a date “just to talk more” was something she just did out of pity or obligation. Maybe when she told me she wanted to kiss me after our second date, maybe she did that out of guilt, maybe she knew that I really wanted to kiss her and she just went along. I’m such a fool, I should’ve seen the signs.

I can’t even think how I would woo another girl, what do I have that anyone else might find attractive.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Enail on Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:29 pm

That's a pretty shitty thing to think about someone you liked and had a month of good times with! I don't think you have reason to assume bad faith here, sometimes it takes people a little time to figure out if something they're enjoying is working for them in a way that can last. Your insecurity's talking here, don't let it become something that spills over into how you view other people - that's one reason why it can be tricky to treat others kindly when you're not feeling great about yourself, so try to keep aware of that even while you're hurting and questioning yourself.

And the things you mentioned sounded like some nice points of commonality to gt started on, but they don't sound like rare, critical things that made her the only woman you could connect with. Having the same job as someone is a conversation-starter, not something that's going to play a big role in your connection (unless you're talking about a job that has very particular demands that someone with similar demands might understand better, which I very much doubt librarianship is). Same with going to the same school. And there are a gazillion women with liberal/socialist views who like Bioware games. She wasn't your one chance, your commonalities didn't make her uniquely able to love you. You're going to have other chances just as good.

And try to remember, too, that you must have done some things pretty right to get to this point in the first place.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Werel on Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:42 pm

Enail wrote:That's a pretty shitty thing to think about someone you liked and had a month of good times with! I don't think you have reason to assume bad faith here, sometimes it takes people a little time to figure out if something they're enjoying is working for them in a way that can last. Your insecurity's talking here, don't let it become something that spills over into how you view other people - that's one reason why it can be tricky to treat others kindly when you're not feeling great about yourself, so try to keep aware of that even while you're hurting and questioning yourself.
Undersigning this in bold red ink and circling it twenty times. Your jerkbrain is making some real damning assumptions that almost certainly are not factual. Occam's Razor says that she went out with you because it was fun, she spent extra time talking to you because she enjoyed it, and she kissed you because she liked you and wanted to kiss you. Very implausible that it was all part of some kind of nefarious scheme to fuck with you or that she spent a whole month doing pity hangouts. Razz

And yeah, like Enail said, don't forget that dating somebody for a month means you have good points that made them interested in you! Even if it didn't end up being a long-term forever thing, it's a clear sign that you are appealing to some people as a potential romantic partner-- that hasn't changed. You've still got all the good points that drew her to you at first. Try to remind yourself of that when your misery-jerkbrain tries to tell the lie that you're worthless and will be alone forever now.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:30 pm

I know, I just wish I knew what happened to make this relationship end so abruptly, up until Thursday evening everything seemed to be going so well, I thought she really liked me.

Anyway, now I'm just trying to find something else to fill my time and make me forget about everything. I exercised today for the first time in about a month, so that felt good. I'm looking at meetups, though I haven't really found anything interesting that meets when I'm not at work. I've thought about trying to get back into writing or guitar or photography, though I'm worried about becoming depressed because I'm still a novice and I have a long way to go to be any good at any of those things. Also, I've gone back to OkCupid, seeing if I can find anyone interesting or anyone who's interested in me.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Wed Oct 04, 2017 5:30 pm

So, I know I shouldn't have done this, but I couldn't stop reliving everything so I asked the girl on Facebook why she was no longer interested, this is what she had to say:

"It really is just that I'm a fickle person. What makes me happy one day doesn't interest me at all the next. I was starting to lose interest, and I wanted to let you know right away so I didn't lead you on. It wasn't you or anything you did, it's just what happens when I go out with people. Really, you were fine. You're funny, and super nice, but I'm...flighty. It's why I don't usually have romantic relationships"

Do you think she's being honest with me, or is she just trying to save my feelings? How should I take this?

I wish I was stronger, but I still feel torn up about this, even now days later. I ended up closing my OkCupid account because I wasn't getting any new connections that went anywhere and some people on Reddit told me that my pictures were awful and that I was boring for mentioning video games and music "because every guy likes those". I've tried finding meetup groups to go to, to maybe increase the chance of meeting girls and/or friends, but so little of the meetups involve people in my age-range and so few meetups take place on days I don't work.

I feel so hopeless, despite the fact I keep telling myself I'll have another chance at a relationship I can't make myself believe it.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Werel on Wed Oct 04, 2017 6:30 pm

Nope, shouldn't have done that. Never a good idea to pursue the "why did you break up with me" impulses. Wink

But since you did, and you won't do it again (right?), I think her answer sounds pretty honest. People just lose interest sometimes. Plus, even if it's not, what difference does it make? You can't ever know for sure whether someone's trying to spare your feelings, so you'll save yourself a lot of hair-tearing by just accepting their answers at face value.

Dannyboy wrote:I feel so hopeless, despite the fact I keep telling myself I'll have another chance at a relationship I can't make myself believe it.
Sorry you're still hurting about it. It takes time to get over a breakup, and can make your jerkbrain go into overdrive, so try to remember that feeling hopeless doesn't mean it is hopeless. And it's totally okay to take a break from dating when you're feeling particularly low! Give yourself some space to build your strength back up.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Wed Oct 04, 2017 6:53 pm

I guess I just wonder if I have the traits necessary to attract other women. I still don't have a full time job since I'm working on grad school, I still don't have any close friends, I still wonder if I'm too fat and/or baby faced to be attractive. I wish I could stop thinking about this. I wish I could stop thinking about her, about how funny she was, about our long conversations, about how nice it felt to kiss her. I don't know what to do with myself.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Enail on Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:17 pm

You've had dates, you've had people be interested in you, you've had someone enjoy kissing you, I don't think there's any reason to think you can't be attractive. And I don't think there's any reason to doubt her honesty about the breakup (though I very much second Werel that it's not a great idea to pursue that line of inquiry in the future). It seems like you're just looking for reasons to doubt yourself and other people.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:48 pm

All right, an update here. I'm doing a lot better now, I'm feeling okay and I don't think about her nearly as much as I did before. I am ashamed that I went and contacted her after she broke up ties, especially after telling my mother and getting (rightly) yelled at for it.

I apologize for all of my whining here, I suppose I just let myself get attached to this girl to easily and too soon. Anyway, right now I'm trying to reorganize my life to make myself more attractive. I'm thinking of going back to iphonography and I'm planning on taking trips to some ghost towns to entertain myself and get more pictures. I'm going back and getting involved in young adult meetups to see if I can make some friends and I'm also trying to work out and eat better to get in shape.

Hopefully I'll find someone else eventually.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Werel on Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:14 pm

Hey, nice! Glad you're feeling better and making time to do fun shit for yourself (ghost town photography sounds like a ton of fun). Keep that forward momentum going, and you will come out of this experience cooler and tougher and ready for the next interesting person you meet.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by jcorozza on Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:05 pm

Also, holy mozzarella sticks, don't ask people on reddit for feedback on dating profile stuff, especially pictures. Some people on reddit are nasty just to be nasty. Your pics are fine, but those people will absolutely prey on your jerkbrain!
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:16 pm

jcorozza wrote:Also, holy mozzarella sticks, don't ask people on reddit for feedback on dating profile stuff, especially pictures.  Some people on reddit are nasty just to be nasty.  Your pics are fine, but those people will absolutely prey on your jerkbrain!

Well, these were the photos I was using:



Plus one I can't find right now. I look really ugly and unkempt in all these pictures, and I seriously need to lose weight, plus my skin is all washed out. Sadly, I don't really have any pictures that make me look flattering.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by jcorozza on Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:27 pm

The first two seem fine to me? You're not looking straight at the camera so they're not boring posed shots or a selfies that makes if look like you all you do is hang by yourself in the bathroom. Plus they show you engaged in an activity you seem to be enjoying. The third is not the best, though - that one does look a tad washed out, plus the facial hair in the others seems to give your face better definition.
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Dannyboy on Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:42 pm

Well, thanks, Jcorozza. Maybe I should regrow my beard again.

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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by Enail on Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:00 am

I'm not usually a fan of beards, but I think it suits you quite well!
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Re: Rejected after coming so far.

Post by jcorozza on Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:39 am

Agreed. Not normally on Team Beard, but a close-cropped one seems to work well for you.
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