Diagnosis-related musings

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Diagnosis-related musings

Post by DoubtfulGuest on Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:24 pm

Alright, so I finally saw a psychiatrist about my suspicions of having inattentive type ADHD and...yeah, he said he thinks I have it (after asking me a number of in-depth questions). So the next few months are going to be interesting. I'm going back next week, and we'll do some tests and talk medications.

I have mixed feelings about it. Now, overall, it feels..."right" to me. I like the idea that there are 1. other people who have similar experiences (especially in terms of "not feeling like enough of an adult", which is how I feel...often) and 2. there are medications that may help with the normal life-related things I struggle (to a small degree-my coping skills are decent) with daily. So, on one level, it's kind of exciting, which seems like a strange thing to say, but that is how I feel. I definitely feel better knowing that this is probably part of the explanation for what's been going on for my entire life.

At the same time...I don't know, I'm not sure I'm developmentally at a level other people may expect from me, in terms of my age, and it's likely that I may continue to struggle with maintaining social connections, picking up on social cues, following through with long-term goals...all important things, right? These are all things I can improve on, but I'm probably not going to be as adept with that stuff as a really socially calibrated neurotypical person is. I guess I still have these notions about what an "attractive man" is "supposed" to be like (even though I feel like these assumptions are based on gender stereotypes; I also notice that I tend to exaggerate what I feel other people's expectations are)...and these notions of the qualities of an "attractive man" include, I don't know, assertiveness, being very ambitious and very decisive, being very "worldly" (whatever that means), sort of an overachiever, super-confident and outgoing...realistically, and I'm not being defeatist, while I can improve in these areas, these are probably not going to be my strengths. I have plenty of other strengths, but...well, part of my problem is I don't really understand how others determine the difference between attraction and friendship. I have great "friend qualities", and I'm very likable, but I guess I just don't feel like that's synonymous with being someone other people are attracted to. I guess that's my real issue-I understand that my assumptions about what an "attractive man" is like are inaccurate (or, at least, don't apply to everyone), but I guess I just don't understand attraction. I just need to take other people's word for it, I guess. Maybe when I have thoughts about not "stacking up" next to other men, I just need to cut them off and not ruminate on them. I mean, non-neurotypical people have relationships-and getting diagnosed doesn't limit what I can potentially do-if anything, there's the possibility that this could lead to me doing better by giving me more insight/me getting the right kind of specialized treatment for the first time. I get that.

I was looking into OKCupid a while back, but I haven't finished my profile yet. I'm probably not looking to do much with it for at least a month-I've got a lot of other stuff going on. I still have this fear of "running out of time" (like, the longer I wait, the more of a "red flag" my below-average level of experience will be), but that's not really something that's useful for me to think about.

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