Getting over an Ex [Vent/Advice]

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Post by Gman on Sat Oct 11, 2014 6:43 pm

[ltr]So, here I am once again, but this time I need to just vent a bit.[/ltr]


[ltr]So it's been almost half a year since my ex broke up with me. For those of you who don't know why it happened, I'll just sum it up as a conflict in stages of life; She was working on her doctorates degree and had several serious relationships in her past and was looking for someone to get married with and I was just beginning to grasp this whole "relationship" thing in general. So she decided to part with me – can't really blame her, to be honest.  [/ltr]

[ltr]So obviously, this is a classic "can't get over it" kind of vent. I recently began remembering all these little moments we shared together and it seems that the more time that passes along, the stronger these memories grow. I also tend to long for something new already and my mind naturally jumps to these memories in order to instill in myself how these emotions feel again, in a vain attempt to quell the desire for something new, which in turn in only makes it stronger, like some sort of twisted method of self-torture. [/ltr]
[ltr]Even though I did come swinging back into my dance scene at full strength and it does manage to help remind me that there ARE other women out there, it's becoming tough to handle these emotions when I'm alone in my room. So far, I asked only 2 other women out ever since I broke with my ex – both didn't work. [/ltr]


[ltr]Now the worst thing about this is that a new university year is coming up – and my ex works in the same campus where I also study (and I roughly know the general area where her office is located). The problem with this is the fact that there is a reasonable chance that I might bump into her again soon once the semester begins. I'm sure that I would be able to handle it in a mature fashion….. It's just I don't think I'm ready for the "emotional punch in the gut" that such an event might create in me. It's hard enough getting rid of these thoughts as is, the last thing I need right now is an occasional, visual reminder of her.[/ltr]
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Post by The Wisp on Sat Oct 11, 2014 7:17 pm

Ugh, I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I can only imagine how hard it is to go through your first break up. I hope you feel better.
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Post by Dan_Brodribb on Sun Oct 12, 2014 12:35 pm

If I'm reading you right, you're handling this okay in terms of what you're doing, you're just finding emotions still coming up even six months after the break-up. You're also worried about what will happen in the future when you see her again and don't think you can handle it.

If that's right, I can relate. I've been in Seattle for a dance convention/workshop series and the lack of sleep, good food, and downtime, mixed with intense physical and mental activity, has left me more raw than I like to me. I've found myself surprised at some of my emotional reactions to things I thought I'd dealt with and I find myself angry, ashamed, annoyed, hopeless or dismayed at myself for having those reactions.

One thing that has helped me is to look at the situation and ask myself: based on the circumstances, would I judge or look at someone negatively for having these reactions or would I say they are experiencing pretty normal stuff that people all over teh world go through every day? What would I say to them? What is the worst thing that can happen to me as a result of me feeling these feelings?

In my case, I saw that this IS something a lot of people experience and that helped me. I also realized that if someone else came to me with this, I would empathize, and if they asked me for advice, I would tell them what they are experiencing is normal and will pass with time--that they don't have to do anything to 'fix' it.

Not only that, while some feelings can be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and unpleasant, I'd remind myself that I'm in no real danger, so long as I don't react to them by doing something stupid.

They feel bad, but they can't bash me over the head with a shovel, stuff me in the trunk of a car, and bury me alive in the Nevada desert.

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Post by Gman on Sun Oct 12, 2014 7:56 pm

Dan_Brodribb wrote:If I'm reading you right, you're handling this okay in terms of what you're doing, you're just finding emotions still coming up even six months after the break-up. You're also worried about what will happen in the future when you see her again and don't think you can handle it.

It's not that I think that I couldn't handle it, it's that it will just make the healing process even slower than what it is right now or maybe just cause a bunch of emotional shakeup for no good reason :-\.
While I realize that this is something normal and as far as moving on I am "doing the right things" (which is focusing on things that I like, going dancing, hanging out with friends, video games, etc.), I feel like I should have been "over it" by now, even though I logically realize that is complete bullshit and to each his/her own time and pace. It's just that I can't get rid from my head how she told me when we broke up that she is certain "I would find someone who will love me just the same" (or something along those lines). I somehow, by some sort of twisted anxiety - feel like I "let her down" somehow in this regard. Even though this thought is probably one of the most absurd ones I had in quite some time now, it still kind of bothers me for reasons unknown :-\.
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Post by Dan_Brodribb on Mon Oct 13, 2014 1:30 pm

[quote="GmanIt's not that I think that I couldn't handle it, it's that it will just make the healing process even slower than what it is right now or maybe just cause a bunch of emotional shakeup for no good reason :-\.
[/quote]
That makes sense. At the same time, one thing I like to remember is pain is a signal, not the injury. If your leg has been injured, after a certain point in the healing process, NOT using it is harmful, even if it still hurts. Sometimes the best way to see how itss healing is to gently put a little weight on it and see what happens.

It sounds like the thing on your mind is while you understand hurting is part of the process, you believe you should be over this whole thing by now. Also the fact that you're still having thoughts/emotional reactions and/or not having found someone else has you feeling that you are failing yourself or not living up to somebody else's belief in you.

Is that closer to what's going on?

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Post by Gman on Mon Oct 13, 2014 1:46 pm

Dan_Brodribb wrote:[quote="GmanIt's not that I think that I couldn't handle it, it's that it will just make the healing process even slower than what it is right now or maybe just cause a bunch of emotional shakeup for no good reason :-\.
"That makes sense. At the same time, one thing I like to remember is pain is a signal, not the injury. If your leg has been injured, after a certain point in the healing process, NOT using it is harmful, even if it still hurts. Sometimes the best way to see how itss healing is to gently put a little weight on it and see what happens.

It sounds like the thing on your mind is while you understand hurting is part of the process, you believe you should be over this whole thing by now. Also the fact that you're still having thoughts/emotional reactions and/or not having found someone else has you feeling that you are failing yourself or not living up to somebody else's belief in you.

Is that closer to what's going on?"

Yeah, I'd say that's closer to what's happening with me right now. I also have a close friend who is also inexperienced with women and he now kind of "looks up" to me as some sort of wise sage that has hidden secrets of becoming successful with women. Even though I told him several times already that I am no different than what I was before, I still feel like he's expecting me any moment to find myself another woman like it's no big deal. So actually, there are 2 people who I am as if "failing" somehow, in addition to feeling like a "failure" myself. It's clear to me that feeling like a "failure" would only keep prospective dates away from me - I am really trying hard to get to the mindset that I had when I met my ex... because frankly, it's my only point of experience that I can take as being successfull in this area, so I am trying to replicate my mindset to the one that I had during that time.
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