How to tell if a girl actually likes you

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How to tell if a girl actually likes you

Post by Dannyboy on Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:40 pm

Alright, so, a couple of days ago I went on the first date I've been on since November. I met her after I reactivated my Coffee Meets Bagel account and long story short we had a good first date, talked for a long time, we kissed (after I asked if she wanted to), she gave me her number and told that while she was going to be too busy to date next week due to a variety of things (she's apparently a bride of honor for her friend who's getting married so she she wanted me to keep in contact via text. So, I've been texting her the past few days, trying to keep the spark alive, trying to make conversation. I've asked her things about her hobbies, her family, etc while trying my best to add some details about myself. Anyway, her responses are usually shorter than my questions, she hasn't initiated any conversations herself or asked me any questions. In addition she usually responds incredibly sporadically, often several hours after I text. Today I just texted to confirm that she was too busy to date next week, she said "Yeah, sorry, this just a weirdly busy time for me", I responded by saying I understood and tried to make a flirty joke, "...you can't blame me for trying to set up a second date with a cute girl Wink", and she responded with "Yeah, I suppose not Smile".

Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I'm wondering if this girl is really interested in me or if she's just being polite/ pitying me and hoping that I'll eventually get the hint or give up. If its the former, am I just texting wrong (i.e. should I wait for her to text me first, should I not text everyday, should I be more openly flirty rather than asking her questions). If it's the latter, what signs did I miss that she wasn't actually interested.

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Re: How to tell if a girl actually likes you

Post by Datelessman on Fri Feb 09, 2018 9:26 pm

Dannyboy wrote:Alright, so, a couple of days ago I went on the first date I've been on since November. I met her after I reactivated my Coffee Meets Bagel account and long story short we had a good first date, talked for a long time, we kissed (after I asked if she wanted to), she gave me her number and told that while she was going to be too busy to date next week due to a variety of things (she's apparently a bride of honor for her friend who's getting married so she she wanted me to keep in contact via text. So, I've been texting her the past few days, trying to keep the spark alive, trying to make conversation. I've asked her things about her hobbies, her family, etc while trying my best to add some details about myself. Anyway, her responses are usually shorter than my questions, she hasn't initiated any conversations herself or asked me any questions. In addition she usually responds incredibly sporadically, often several hours after I text. Today I just texted to confirm that she was too busy to date next week, she said "Yeah, sorry, this just a weirdly busy time for me", I responded by saying I understood and tried to make a flirty joke, "...you can't blame me for trying to set up a second date with a cute girl Wink", and she responded with "Yeah, I suppose not Smile".

Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I'm wondering if this girl is really interested in me or if she's just being polite/ pitying me and hoping that I'll eventually get the hint or give up. If its the former, am I just texting wrong (i.e. should I wait for her to text me first, should I not text everyday, should I be more openly flirty rather than asking her questions). If it's the latter, what signs did I miss that she wasn't actually interested.

It isn't always a matter of doing anything in particular right or wrong, sometimes someone just doesn't feel the particular chemistry with someone and there's little else to it.

It is a positive sign that she continued to reply, even if sporadically, rather than ghosting. It is a good idea to try to chat about other things rather than dating or dating her, which was good on your part. At this point she's more than aware that you'd like a second date with her, but the ball is really in her court to accept. She may be thinking about it, or she may like you enough to chat with but not enough to date.

You don't want to be too pushy and at least from what you've summarized here, you haven't been (so far). Again, she's chosen to reply to you (even if it takes her a while). Just don't text-bomb her in between replies, because that shows insecurity. She might be genuinely busy, or she might be giving you a polite "no thanks." I think at this point the ball is in her court, and it's up to you whether you'd like to hang around waiting for her to take you up on the second date offer, or whether you want to chalk it up to a fun single date, or to keep her around as a social media pal if possible. If you're always the one initiating, that could be a sign she's either thinking about it at best or she isn't as psyched at worst. Try not texting her for a bit and see if she decides to engage then. If not, you may have your answer.

That all said, congratulations on the date, and I think you did alright here. While I am hardly a text or dating guru, I don't know if there is any magical formula or equation when it comes to texting. Don't be pushy, wait for a reply, a lack of a response is a response, and a lack of initiative could mean disinterest, or her genuinely being busy. You can do everything to keep a spark alive, but if it isn't there for her, there isn't much you can do. That said, a date which was pleasant unto itself and didn't end with anyone feeling bad is hardly a bad thing. My gut feels that if she were really psyched for a second date, even if she was busy (which does legitimately happen), she wouldn't be so vague on the idea of dating you again. She might give you at least a crude timetable or mention some activity she is interested in the future (i.e. "I am super busy now but next month I am checking out *FAVORITE BAND* do you like them"). Nothing about this smells train wreck, and she at least finds you fun enough to text with when she can. At the very least, I don't think anything is steady with her, but if Coffee & Bagel worked this well, try to keep the streak alive!
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Re: How to tell if a girl actually likes you

Post by Dannyboy on Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:08 pm

I see.

I guess I must've gotten too hopeful again. I guess I just want a girlfriend far more than any girl going to want me to be their boyfriend. I guess I've got no one to blame but myself. And sadly, this isn't any streak. I've had this app since October and I've gone on total of three dates, this one and two others with another girl who ultimately decided I wasn't her type. This was the first girl to like me on Coffe & Bagel since October.

Still, thanks for the feedback, I guess I need to dial back my hopes to get a girlfriend by next year.

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Re: How to tell if a girl actually likes you

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:16 pm

I agree with Datelessman that there's no formula to tell for sure how someone feels about you, and I don't think it's a great idea to try to parse every possible signal in detail, so much as to watch for an overall enthusiasm or lack thereof.

And if people tell you something explicitly, listen! I notice in this case, she told you very clearly that she wasn't free for a date next week but would like to stay in contact, and yet you're questioning her by double-checking, and trying to divine subtle signals instead.

But since she's given you her number, is responding to texts and, again, told you a specific period she wouldn't be free for and that she'd like to keep in touch, those are pretty good signs that she's interested. Pity is not really a big motivator for a whole lot of people. That said, if you're consistently writing a lot more than she is, I'd suggest dialing it back a little to match her pace, so that you're not overwhelming her or making her feel pressured to keep up when she's busy or doesn't want that level of contact. Aim for reciprocity.
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Re: How to tell if a girl actually likes you

Post by Datelessman on Sat Feb 10, 2018 12:45 pm

I agree with Enail on...just about everything. It's great advice. It is possible that this woman may need a little time, just try not to bombard her with texts or be too overeager.

Dannyboy wrote:I see.

I guess I must've gotten too hopeful again. I guess I just want a girlfriend far more than any girl going to want me to be their boyfriend. I guess I've got no one to blame but myself. And sadly, this isn't any streak. I've had this app since October and I've gone on total of three dates, this one and two others with another girl who ultimately decided I wasn't her type. This was the first girl to like me on Coffe & Bagel since October.

Still, thanks for the feedback, I guess I need to dial back my hopes to get a girlfriend by next year.

3 dates within 5 months is nothing to scoff at, especially if this is difficult for you and/or you are coming out of a break in your dating life. My best streak in dating was 2 dates within two years during college. Don't compare your progress to other people, compare it to yourself. Like DNL says, comparing your unedited footage to someone else's highlight reel is a recipe for disaster.

Unfortunately, first dates are going to be like that -- meeting people who either don't connect with you or you don't connect with them, or a mutual disconnect. That's the point of a first date, to see if that initial online interest translates into basic chemistry in person. The fact that you have gotten 3 dates within 5 months does mean you're doing something right; the trick is to figure out what if anything you may need to do to improve your presentation, either on your profile, how you interact with people initially to set up the dates, and/or how you approach the initial date. But, as Dr. Nerdlove often says, sometimes you can do everything right and things may not click for a while. Even the "hottest" people sometimes have a dry spell, or just meet a string of people not into them. And often times that reason may not have anything specifically to do with you, even if for obvious reasons it can feel that way.

Having a goal is a good thing. However, make sure it is not a goal which is too arbitrary or rigid that it places more pressure on yourself. I wonder if "Must Have a Girlfriend by 2019" could be that for you. I can only imagine the pressure if it's December 2018 and you haven't met anyone who wanted to date more than once or twice and now you're on a coffee date a week before Christmas. You may be so anxious you'll crack a table! And it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. I have a feeling if DNL were answering one of your letters, he would suggest that instead of a date set in stone to "have a girlfriend" (which itself is flexible -- do you mean a steady monogamous lover, or a FWB, or maybe someone who went on 3-4 dates and maybe you made out a little and nothing more happened, etc.) that maybe you focus on simply "being" and enjoying dates in the moment and focusing on presenting your best self. To continue to build on what you have done right while seeing what, if anything, you can improve on. And remembering that not all women are alike nor do they all have the same tastes.

It can be tough to not focus on raw numbers or set dates or expectations, especially if you're reentering the dating scene. Especially since in the end it is a numbers game, and random circumstance will always be a variable. However, be wary of not letting short term frustrations negate or cause you to overlook the long term progress you have made. You're out there again and getting dates. That's a good thing. Focus on the positive as best you can. If having a set date goal is how you do that, so be it.
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Re: How to tell if a girl actually likes you

Post by K-J on Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:46 am

Hey Dannyboy.. (and Datelessman, Enail and everyone!)

I think Danny, that perhaps you might have two problems. One, you are being a teensy bit on the needy side there and Two, I think you are also being too hard on yourself. (And in these cases the latter often fuels the former).
This may be something to think about because it'd be sad if something like that would ruin your chances (that I think might be there, potentially).

As for what you've said and done, it sounds pretty good actually, but the rest of it, whether she'll want to get involved with you or not, it's beyond your control.
Maybe she's feeling it, maybe not but it seems obvious that she's at least seriously considering it, which is a good sign.

(Apparently you can be both socially fluent and attractive then, so stop thinking you're a pity case please)

That said, I agree with DM and enail, slow your roll a bit, don't go crazy looking for signs. For now it's possible that she's just really busy (so neither dating or not dating you is much on her mind right now). It's possible.

Still, should it be an ongoing theme, that you're always the one initiating and she remains a bit too passive/ambivalent, I recommend that you simply ask her what's going on between you (if anything). It can be done in a considerate and easy way so that she feels comfortable to tell you upfront "yes", "no" or "still don't know".
You just mentally prepare in advance for eventual disappointment and handle it nicely if it comes to that.... ... and importantly, even if that would sting, don't let any of it hit you in your self esteem!

Best of luck!

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