Possibly involuntary ghosting?

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Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Sahrimnir on Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:28 pm

Hi everyone! It's been a while.

So, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now (the person mentioned in this post). There have been some problems with her phone from the beginning. When we were to meet up for our first date, we discovered that for some reason she couldn't send text messages to me but she received the ones I sent, so she sent messages through the Tinder-app instead. If one of us were to try to call the other, it didn't seem to work at all. Later we've mainly used Facebook Messenger to communicate. That worked fine for a while. Until it didn't. Messages wouldn't arrive for some reason, until suddenly we'd both get all the messages the other had sent at once. This would repeat a few times. A few days of nothing, then a bunch of messages at once (and it seems like it was the same experience for her). After a while she discovered that when she updates or re-installs the Messenger app it works for a while, so she got into the habit of doing that every once in a while.

Stuff I've tried when I haven't been able to get ahold of her:

  • Write in the Tumblr chat. - This has worked occasionally. And she still posts stuff to Tumblr almost every day. However she mostly uses Tumblr from her phone and apparently can't see chat messages on the phone.
  • Message her roommate and ask them to tell her I want to get ahold of her. - This has also worked a few times, though I don't want to bother them too much. The last few times they didn't reply, though they seem to still have passed the message on.
  • When that stopped working as well, I tried calling from my parents' landline while I was at their house. That also worked a couple of times. The first time I did that I asked if her roommate had said I'd written to them and she replied "Yeah, they did. I said I'll do the thing with the app, but I guess I just forgot". Anyway, the last few times I tried this, I haven't gotten an answer.


Now last time we spoke was about a month ago. We were trying to set up a time to meet, but both of our work schedules were kind of in flux which complicated things. Before we could find a day that worked, she disappeared again.
Last time we actually saw each other was at the end of December.

Whenever I do get ahold of her, she does seem like she wants to see me, but it feels like I'm working much harder to get ahold of her than she is. If her phone is the problem she could simply log in to Facebook or Tumblr from a computer. Then she'd see my messages and be able to reply. Also, I'm pretty sure she has my phone number. She could simply borrow someone else's phone and call me.

Part of me feels like I should just end it. Another part thinks I should at least talk to her about this first, but right now I can't even get ahold of her to have this conversation.
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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 16, 2018 12:20 am

Oof, that's a frustrating situation. I've got to say, that sounds like a really egregious lack of effort to connect on her part - I'm impressed by how calm you are about it! I'm not terribly confident talking to her about it is going to solve it, because it seems pretty unlikely she could not realize it's a problem, and it just generally shows a lack of investment. I'm having trouble coming up with possibilities other than that she's wanting to end things and taking a lazy and cowardly route to get there, or that she's both a person who doesn't want a lot of contact and a generally inconsiderate person.

But a year is a pretty long relationship to end strictly for a theoretically solvable problem if you haven't ever had a conversation about the big picture issue, so imo if you want to give it a go it's worth making a last-ditch attempt to contact her and tell her that she needs to figure out a way to stay in touch with you if the relationship is to continue about it. But I think anything less than talking to her + an immediate and significant change on her part is a sign that it's time to end things for sure. Sorry I haven't anything more helpful or optimistic for you on this one, just sympathy and agreement that it's a shitty way to treat you and that it's an issue worth ending things over.
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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Werel on Sat Feb 17, 2018 3:29 pm

Yeah, that sounds incredibly frustrating (and bizarre-- I've never heard of a phone screwing up that way, and if I were in her shoes I'd at least try to fix it or get a cheap burner phone for backup). But I agree with Enail, it sounds like she's really not making much effort at all to work around it, and it's okay if the lack of contact/effort is a dealbreaker for you. It does sound worth trying to talk about the problem once before you end things, because maybe... she actually doesn't see a month of no contact as a problem, and doesn't understand that you do...? But even in that best-case scenario, seems like a sign that y'all are pretty incompatible in your preferred relationship parameters. Good luck; if your desired outcome is that she turns it around and shapes up, I hope she turns it around and shapes up.
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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Sahrimnir on Mon Apr 02, 2018 7:14 pm

So I'm officially single now.

There's an anime club in Lund that meets every Monday. I went there today and she was there. We had a long talk and she admitted that she hadn't tried very hard to get in contact with me. She had felt that maybe I wasn't as attracted to her as she was to me. She was probably right about that. I just didn't want to admit it to myself because she had been the first woman to actually be interested in me. Then when the technology started acting up again she had simply given up instead of "talking about it like a grown-up" (to use her words). We agreed that it would be better for both of us to end it and just be friends. Then there was a long hug. Then I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with her and her friends.

Right now I actually feel relieved more than anything else. I'm relieved to know where we stand instead of being in that weird limbo of the last couple of months. I'm also relieved that there doesn't have to be any awkwardness or hard feelings between us.
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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Enail on Mon Apr 02, 2018 7:40 pm

Oh shoot, I'm glad at least you got it sorted out and can move on now.
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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by K-J on Tue Apr 03, 2018 1:44 pm

Hello Sahrimnir

Sorry it didn't work out. I don't think it's much comfort but one thing, you should give yourself a big pat on the back here.
You've been really patient and put in a lot of effort. You're a generous guy in that regard.

When you expend a lot of effort to accomodate others who as it turns out, don't reciprocate or do as much in return, even if it's also about getting a date or a relationship going (details, details), it's good to have the attitude that it's because you're a good person.
That you are someone who can afford to give a little more than he gets most of the time. Because that's strength!

Maybe this situation stretched out for a little too long than it arguably should've though. It sounds like it.

Also, anime club in Lund? Lund as in Sweden?
Then we're in the same country!

Though I'm mostly with the furries. There are a few "dual wielders" who insist I come along to Närcon sometime though. Laughing

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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Sahrimnir on Tue Apr 03, 2018 7:09 pm

Thanks!

Also yeah, I live in Malmö. Where do you live? And I will be at NärCon this summer. But before that I will be at KodachiCon in May and PicaCon this weekend.
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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by K-J on Thu Apr 05, 2018 10:57 am

I'm in Stockholm.
I might look some of those up.. .for next year maybe, but most likely not. Possibly Närcon since I know a few people who go there, but regrettably it's very hard to attend more than what aligns with one's top interest.
So it's NordicFuzzcon and Eurofurence for me basically.

It's so expensive, both in terms of money and setting aside vacation days, isn't it?

If it weren't for that, I'd definately do anime/cosplay cons and Gotland medieval festival as well.



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Re: Possibly involuntary ghosting?

Post by Sahrimnir on Thu Apr 05, 2018 2:57 pm

I'm either staff or one of the organizers at pretty much all the cons I go to, so it's not that expensive for me. Razz
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