Is it worth it for me to keep online dating? I'm not having fun with it.

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Is it worth it for me to keep online dating? I'm not having fun with it.

Post by littlebluedove on Sat Jun 23, 2018 2:24 am

I find online dating insufferably boring. I’m not looking for a Shakespeare play or a PhD dissertation. As an example of what I find boring, one person’s profile just said, “I like to watch Netflix.” I told him about a show I like on Netflix and asked what he watches there. He just said, “I don't know. I like a lot of stuff on Netflix. Lol.” Really, he’s a TV enthusiast and can’t even name a single show?

99% of the profiles and messages I’ve dealt with online have been like that. OkCupid is a bit more interesting, but a lot of people are confused by their new messaging logistics, so I stopped using it.

Tying into the problem with presenting in a boring way, people often are also very vague. That not only makes it tedious to message them, but also makes me wary of whether I meet anyone’s standards. For example, a lot of people say that they want someone adventurous. To me, that could mean anything from “tries new foods occasionally” (which I do) to “wants to ride roller coasters and go skydiving with me” (NO, RUN AWAY). There are some things that I really like about myself, so I’m not sure if it’s necessarily a self esteem problem, but I don’t bother messaging someone if there’s even a hint in their profile that they might not want to date someone like me (not that I ever assume that they would, I just have a very high threshold for feeling like I might have even a small chance with them). I’m the same way with other things. For example, I won’t apply for a job unless they make it very clear that they’re open to someone with no experience. I don’t apply to anything that says “one year of experience required” or even “experience preferred” or “experience a plus.” I’m even very wary of “willing to train the right person” or not mentioning anything at all about what they expect about experience.
I’m a very direct, precise, detail oriented person. Before I signed up for online dating, I thought that these traits would make it a good platform for me (for example, how people are clearly looking for dating and select from a drop down box/check a box indicating what kind of dating they’re looking for). Overall, it seems like my traits have actually made online dating the opposite for me.

I’ve even tried several paid dating sites, and they have the same problem. Is it worth it to keep scrolling through all of the “Just ask,” “I have a good sense of humor” (no indication of what they find funny) etc to find someone who really moves me to write to them? Honestly, I find online dating so boring that I find it more interesting to *level up my Pokemon against a bunch of weak wild Pokemon.* Online dating gives me a similar grinding feeling to that, but worse :/ At least my Pokemon don’t send me abuse about my appearance, etc, lol ;_; Or would it be better to date from an in person activity if there seems to be a spark with someone there? I’ve been getting involved with activities, though I haven’t been trying to get a date or make friends with anyone at them so far, just to contribute a bit to the conversations. Most of my experience with people has admittedly either been online dating for romance, forums and blogs for platonic interactions. My online dating experience has mostly consisted of exhausting browsing and sending initial messages that get ignored (and it’s they’re right to ignore me, just pointing out that I haven’t gotten much in person experience from it).

I’ve been online dating for six years and tried at least 11 sites, so I’m not sure if trying another site will help :/ I’m thinking about getting a smart phone. Maybe the dating apps that are just for the smart phone will be better, but I admit that I’m skeptical. Part of me, just from looking at this post and thinking, “I’ve just written 5+ paragraphs about how boring online dating is, and that doesn’t even count the other problems, so just fuck it!” but who knows, maybe someone will be able to spark some hope for me?

One thing that increases my bias against online dating is that it's very difficult for me tolerate boredom. People don't talk about boredom much, so I'm not entirely sure, but it seems like those more mature than I am consider it an inconvenient feeling. To me, boredom is a deathly, mentally diseased feeling, that's how miserable it makes me, which might be an overreaction stemming from my depression or something. I seem to have a very intense need for lots of intellectual stimulation. I don't mean that in a snobby way - having an analytical personality isn't objectively any better or worse, in my opinion, than someone who thinks in a more lighthearted way. That's just my taste. I don't even need my partner to be as mentally intense as I am, but...if they're a TV watcher, they should be able to name a show they watch, and mention some kind of interesting detail about it, like a character they feel like they can relate to, or how the cranky doctor on the medical drama pissed off his patient this time, or something.

Is anyone else bored with online dating? Do you find it easier to have more interesting conversations, read someone’s personality, figure out what they’re looking for in a partner, etc in person than through online dating?

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Re: Is it worth it for me to keep online dating? I'm not having fun with it.

Post by Hielario on Sat Jun 23, 2018 9:49 am

First of all, I'd like to suggest that when you find something vague, be it in a job listing or a dating profile, you contact them and ASK. In the first ones, because job listings sometimes are written by people who commit errors or are being purposefully vague, and in the second, because that gives you a way to start the conversation. Also, many people are willing to tolerate things they dont like or share with their partners, so maybe relax a little on that front?

I've tried the mobile ones and I didn't see any difference, so I don't know if that's a good idea. Maybe if you're physically attractive, Tinder seemed to go well because hey, I can be pretty cute, but there seems is a disconnect between the ones who like your face and the ones who actually wanna talk.

On the other side, I'm on the same situation than you. I'm TIRED of everything about online dating and I'm gonna get out of it soon. But IRL never has been any better for me. In fact, I got into online dating because I was tired of striking out IRL and finding out on a regular basis that the girl I had been hitting on was unavailable (or, in my last dorm, a lesbian).
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Re: Is it worth it for me to keep online dating? I'm not having fun with it.

Post by Enail on Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:25 pm

I'm not single and haven't online dated, so my experiences aren't totally relevant here but you sound a lot like me in terms of what it takes to make me enjoy interacting with another person, so I thought my tangential thoughts might be useful to you even though they are, well, tangential.

For me, I find interesting conversations and reading someone's personality are about the same for in-person and online. Again, I haven't done the online dating thing or any kind of platonic equivalent, but I tend to do better with social connections when I'm just doing something I find interesting that also involves interacting with people along the way than I do when focusing directly and solely on meeting people, and I wonder if you might be the same.

Profiles or "meet-and-greet" situations don't always come through with interesting people's interestingness or give a clear sense of their personality, and since I don't find interacting with random people very fulfilling, it feels like a lot of energy and attention to spend much time focused on nothing but finding/meeting people in contexts that are all about that. It's a lot easier for me to feel motivated and to find the experience worthwhile if I'm just doing something I find interesting while interacting with people along the way. And filtering heavily for activities that tend to appeal to people I have more in common helps with that a lot, too.  It's much less direct, so if you're really eager to be finding dates right away, it might be a more frustrating path, but if you're okay with taking it as something that would be nice if you do find but you don't feel like you have to rush or push yourself to get there ASAP, it might suit you better.

Some people I know who are similar to me in that do seem to find online dating pretty good if it's a platform where they can filter heavily (which it sounds like OLD is generally becoming less focused on, unfortunately). It might help you to be a bit more bold about contacting people who haven't 100% indicated that they'd want to date someone like you (in whatever ways you mean it) as long as they haven't shown signs that they actively don't, but that does have a higher risk of both rejection and bad reactions, so it might not be worth it for you.

Something you might want to try is, if you have found a few profiles that seem genuinely interesting to you, take a look at what kinds of activities they mention doing and use those as clues for where you might find people IRL who you'd find interesting. I don't mean stalk them, just look for commonalities in what those general kinds of people do.
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Re: Is it worth it for me to keep online dating? I'm not having fun with it.

Post by littlebluedove on Sat Jun 23, 2018 2:56 pm

Maybe in some cases, people would be more open to considering me than I would've thought.

Lol, I'm definitely not considered physically attractive by society's standards. I'm doing what I can, such as wearing pretty dresses, my favorite kind of outfit. Yeah, I'm aware that it'll be a lot tougher for me as someone often considered unattractive to find a partner. It haunts me every day. Lol.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time with dating, too, Hielario. I understand how disappointing it is when someone you like in real life keeps turning out to be unavailable. When I was in college, I had a crush on a guy at the Creative Writing Club, but he eventually told us he was gay. I ran into a former classmate last summer. We got to know each other better, and I developed a crush on her until I saw on her Facebook that she was in a relationship. The friendship fell apart when she moved far away, but anyway, one thing I'll miss about online dating was that people typically had compatible orientation, were single, etc. I hope dating gets better for you.

I tried making a new Plenty of Fish account and couldn't upload my picture. Their customer service is unreliable and slow, so for all I know, it could stay that way forever. I've had lots of unpleasant techincal/logistical issues with dating sites before, so...with all of the online dating problems coming together, I've now been pushed over the edge into staying the fuck away from them for good! Lol.

Actually, your thoughts really resonate with me, Enail. The social activities that I've done have been more interesting to me than online dating. One of them is playing board games at community events. Apples to Apples is my favorite, since it involves funny wordplay. I haven't had a rapport with anyone at my social activities yet (i.e at one of the board game events, they got to talking about how awful it is that some people eat meat, which was awkward for me to listen to, as someone who loves meat). Lol. At least I've enjoyed the activities themselves, though. Doing activities seems like a more fun way to meet people. It's okay that dating in person would be slower. I'm open to it.

Thank you both.

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Re: Is it worth it for me to keep online dating? I'm not having fun with it.

Post by Hielario on Tue Jun 26, 2018 11:03 am

Plenty of Fish has been a bugged, disorganized mess for years. The only good thing about it is that it has some nice non-serious options and people who actually use them.
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