What are cool things that a partner or has done for you, or you have done for them? Need hope that a relationship can be respectful and loving.

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What are cool things that a partner or has done for you, or you have done for them? Need hope that a relationship can be respectful and loving.

Post by littlebluedove on Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:19 am

In every relationship I've been in, things started out okay but then the person started doing really hurtful things, like leaving me hanging for hours for dates/not showing up at all, or saying something like "I guess that's just how it is," when I was upset about something in my life, or quickly dismissing me when I brought up something I was interested in, like an article about animals, though I had to hear that person go on and on on every date about cars, and I don't even drive. I'm fucking SICK of dating people who don't give a shit about me and have contempt for me. I need hope, inspiration! Do you have any stories about a partner doing something kind for you, something that made you happy, feel loved? Or you doing that for them?

Please also include your (or their) reaction (if it was positive), since partners have reacted negatively to nice things I've done or offered to do for them. For example, I made a piece of art for one of them, which he raved about, so later in our relationship, I thought he'd like another one, but he said, "No, thanks. You can do it for yourself." I know that I'm not entitled to a partner appreciating something nice I do for them, but it's still difficult to deal with emotionally.

Since very time I've told a partner a variation of, "When you do/say x, I feel y, and I'd appreciate it if you z," they've always either acted the same and I kept staying in the relationship until they dumped me in a cruel way or ghosted me, or said a variation of, "Yeah, I've been really mean to you. We should break up," I feel very grim about the thought of setting boundaries or asking for a change in a future relationship. I'll still do it, but I'll have a very strong sense of dread about it. I've been in around 10 relationships, not counting the "ummthings" from wishy washy people who give even less of a shit (i.e the one who said, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but dating isn't off the table in the future" and soon after that, invited me to live with him and help him start his business, also kept initiating long conversations with me multiple times a day) and it always follows patterns like that. Even people I become friends with make me feel like shit and blow me off if I tell him that their behavior hurts me (i.e, when I told one former friend, "I was anxious when we had plans and you didn't show. It would help me a lot if you could let me know you need to cancel in the future," and she said, "You're too impatient.") I'm sure that's a reasonable expectation - I know of a Meetup organizer who asks his members to let him know if they change their mind after sending their RSVP, and probably at least most of them don't know him as well as this friend knew me.

I have never had a friendship or relationship in which I've reasonably consistently been treated in a way that feels good or the person make a reasonable effort to patch things up if they hurt me, ever! Aside from my mom and my therapist, relating of any form with anyone never turns out well for me. I've gradually been getting more confident and getting better about sticking to my standards for treatment, not putting up as much with friends or partners who make me feel bad so much, but that leaves no people left, which is so, so hard! I know that being alone is better than being in a crappy friendship or relationship, but it's so hard that no one who gets close to me thinks that I'm worth valuing and treating with respect.

Other kinds of stories that are welcome: telling your partner or them telling you something bothered and the person was supportive and worked together to fix the problem! Someone finding courage for their feelings (i.e saying "I love you") and an enthusiastic outcome! If you can think of another story that doesn't perfectly match my suggestions, but fits the overall spirit of the partners feeling safe, loved, and respected in their relationship, go for it! Stories can cover practical, emotional, or creative etc things. Family stories are okay, too, but I'm more in need of partner and friend stories, since while it's just one family member, I at least have an overall good relationship with my mom.

Aside from moving on faster when I don't feel good with the person, do you have any other tips for coping with knowing that almost no one cares about how you feel or wants to treat you decently even if they want to be friends or partners?

I don't think that I provoke this kind of behavior. I study a lot about social skills, ethics etc to continue refining myself into a more emotionally intelligent and kind person every day. Some general ways I try to put positive energy into the world: writing about mental health and social skills on my blog, running a social skills Meetup, I've failed at volunteering before due to my disabilities, but am considering applying to volunteer at a juvenile detention center, since I'm interested in criminal justice. Ways I've tried to be kind in relations with others: staying engaged when they talk about a topic that doesn't interest me personally, giving advice when they ask for it, keeping well mannered even when they hurt me.

I have so much compassion and hugs for others who get mistreated in friendships and relationships, too, but please no sad stories in this thread, since I feel so fragile right now and just need to see KITTENS OF LOVE for now.

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Re: What are cool things that a partner or has done for you, or you have done for them? Need hope that a relationship can be respectful and loving.

Post by Enail on Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:12 pm

Sorry you've been having that happen so much, it all sounds really hurtful.

Here are some literal kittens of love:


And here are some random stories:

-my wife once made me a super-fancy bentou style lunch, with like 12 different pretty, fancy foods all nicely arranged in stacking compartments and hand-pickled pickles, and came to surprise me with it at work. I was so happy, I went on and on about it for days, and occasionally still bring it up now even though it's years later. It was the best thing ever!

-I tried to reciprocate a few months later by making her a really nice lunch with a complicated pressed roasted eggplant sandwich with some fancy name I don't remember that had a gazillion parts and had to be pressed under cans in the fridge....which was very helpful of me because it allowed her to discover eggplant gives her horrible migraines. Yay? Headsmack  But she still was really appreciative even though I caused her 12 hours of having to sit in the dark in pain, and didn't blame me for it, because she knew I'd worked hard to do something nice for her.

-A while ago a friend and I were both dealing with some very similar difficult things, and he'd been being really oblivious about the fact that I was dealing with, and kept saying stuff about how no one could possibly understand the terrible thing he was dealing with and other really self-centered things that made me feel like he was completely ignoring the fact that I was also dealing with that thing, and was still managing to be supportive of him and do a lot to help him with it. So I pointed it out, and since then he's been way more considerate and making a point to ask about my stuff and remembers that there are some aspects of mine that are different/worse, and so forth.

-When I developed mobility issues, a bunch of friends started just quietly always offering to come near me if we want to meet up or let me decide where to meet so I could choose somewhere easy for me to get to.

Hopefully these are the kind of things you're looking for. And I really hope you can connect soon with people who treat you kindly and considerately!
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Re: What are cool things that a partner or has done for you, or you have done for them? Need hope that a relationship can be respectful and loving.

Post by Werel on Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:28 pm

Also sorry you've experienced so much crappy treatment. Here is a cat and a dog hugging with LOVE.



Here are some nice things friends & partners have done for me and vice versa:

-Fancy gourmet breads are one of my great life joys. For my birthday one year, my partner and best friend surprised me with Bread Supper, in which they went and got like twelve kinds of fancy bread from different bakeries all over town, along with many delectable spreads and jams and special butters, and had laid them out as a magnificent feast when I got home from work. I still talk about Bread Supper.

-Also in the vein of birthday surprises, one year I conspired with my partner's best friend, who lived very far away, to come to our city for a birthday visit. I told my partner to come to my office so I could take him to a nice birthday lunch, and when he got there, his best friend casually strolled out of my office like "sup, happy birthday." My partner was so stunned and happy he cried (rare), and still talks about that as the best surprise he's ever had.

-When my dad died suddenly, my best friend took a week off work to fly to my hometown and help with funeral arrangements and all the little logistic shit you gotta do, but which is hard to do when you're bereaved. When he left, he found my phone and stealth-wrote a note in my notes app about how much he loved me and my family, and how if we needed anything he was just a phone call away. It meant a lot to me. I still have the note.

-A friend who was living in Japan sneakily asked what my favorite Pokemon were, then mailed me a care package with chotchkes of all my favorite Pokemon from the Tokyo Pokemon Center. I made a lei out of them which hung in my window for a long time.

-I needed to drop contact with a friend for a while because of some personal stuff, and was expecting a little backlash or maybe a pissy brushoff like "fine, whatever." Instead, when I let them know, they were incredibly cool and kind about it, and I was so surprised and grateful that I've never forgotten it. Later we resumed the friendship and all was good, in part because they'd handled it so well and I could trust them to act decent to me.

-One friend will send me a random text every year or so just being like "hey, remember when I was going through some stuff and I was a jerk to you? Thanks for putting up with me and helping me through it, you're a really good friend." That makes me smile, knowing that I was able to be a help to them, and that they remember and appreciate it.

-Five or six years ago I told my partner that I found a specific phrase/verbal tic really irrationally annoying--not for any good reason, it just bugged me. He immediately stopped saying it and pretty much hasn't said it since, and when he occasionally slips, always catches himself like "ah crap, I said the thing, sorry."

I hope that's the kind of story you were looking for (I really like Nice People Doing Nice Things as a thread topic, btw!) and also hope you find some respectful, considerate folks to have as part of your life.
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Re: What are cool things that a partner or has done for you, or you have done for them? Need hope that a relationship can be respectful and loving.

Post by littlebluedove on Sun Jun 24, 2018 5:45 pm

Wonderful stories and animals. Thank you! They make me hopeful again that I can find people like that.

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Re: What are cool things that a partner or has done for you, or you have done for them? Need hope that a relationship can be respectful and loving.

Post by Enail on Sun Jun 24, 2018 6:44 pm

Bread Supper sounds fantastic, Werel!
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