My mom suddenly passed away last month and it has been hard (need comfort)

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My mom suddenly passed away last month and it has been hard (need comfort)

Post by littlebluedove on Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:22 am



Last month, my mom suddenly developed a blood clot and passed away. We were very close. We liked to watch crime shows and play/watch Pokemon. She was a kind person who helped her neighbors with their social services paperwork.

I had just started a new psychiatric medication weeks before she passed away. I was getting better about self care, but her death unraveled my progress. Now I'm out of groceries again, I have a messy apartment again, etc. She wouldn't be happy about this. She was on my case a lot about taking better care of myself. Sorry, Mom.

The pharmacy didn't give me the right number of pills for my most important medication, so I had to go without it for a while until about a week ago. Also, I accidentally missed a therapy appointment because grief has made me more spacey, and I forgot to put it in my calendar, and my therapist was out sick when I would've had my last appointment. This is terrible timing for these things to be happening, especially since I have so little of a support system.

I haven't believed in myself enough to interact much with people, but I have to find the courage now, since deep down, I'm very social and know that I'll wither without the contact.

My dad and I, who have always had a very troubled relationship, have gotten a little closer since her death, but I don't think that he'll ever understand me. My search for a volunteer job hasn't been going well, but his advice is to get a volunteer and/or paid job that doesn't involve dealing with people. He and my mom dealt with their traumas by keeping people at arm's length emotionally, which they felt worked for them, but that's not how I want to deal with mine. I told him, "I want to improve at dealing with people so that they can see the loving person I am deep down. What worked for you and Mom won't work for me, since we're different people." He just doesn't get it. My mom didn't really understand my desire to be interactive, either, but at least she supported me and realized that I'm my own individual.

Today, I need to pull it together to get my laundry done and make it to my first meeting for a social justice themed book club, which I hope will be a good beginning to forming new relationships. Wish me luck? I can follow up in this thread about how it goes.

Thanks

littlebluedove

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Re: My mom suddenly passed away last month and it has been hard (need comfort)

Post by Enail on Wed Oct 10, 2018 1:49 pm

How devastating, Littlebluedove, I'm so sorry. It's totally natural that your self-care would be unravelling a bit right now, don't beat yourself up for it!  You're working to deal with your grief and to keep things together while in the midst of it, that's taking care of yourself too. And being kind to yourself when you're struggling is also part of taking care of yourself.

I hope things go well with the book club!
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Re: My mom suddenly passed away last month and it has been hard (need comfort)

Post by Werel on Wed Oct 10, 2018 2:58 pm

Oh, littlebluedove, I am so sorry. Like Enail says, it is almost unavoidable to have some self-care lapses when you lose someone you love--don't beat yourself up about it. Your mom sounds like she was a great person, and I bet she'd want you to pick yourself up and continue with your progress, but not to kick yourself for some setbacks during your grief.

If it is comforting: I was very close to my dad too. He died suddenly a few years ago, and my self-care, academic work, ability to feed myself, etc. went out the window for months while I was just hovering around in a weird grey fog. But I made it back into the world, kept on living, and worked a lot harder at some things because I knew he'd have wanted me to. You'll get there too, with time. The loss won't go away, but you will learn to live around it, find some happiness, and regain some strength. Just be kind to yourself right now, do as much as you can to keep moving forward, and trust that this will get easier.

Good luck with the laundry and the book club today! I'm rooting for you.
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Re: My mom suddenly passed away last month and it has been hard (need comfort)

Post by littlebluedove on Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:53 am

Thank you both for the kind words. I'm sorry for your loss, too, Werel, and feel more hopeful about being able to keep making a life after reading about your experience. That's true - my mom also warned me about not ruminating, so she wouldn't want me to pick apart how I've been doing.

I made it through the book club meeting! Yay!

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Re: My mom suddenly passed away last month and it has been hard (need comfort)

Post by Enail on Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:42 am

Yay!
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