Staying Friends? words vs. actions

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Staying Friends?  words vs. actions Empty Staying Friends? words vs. actions

Post by Kiskadee on Thu Oct 16, 2014 10:07 pm

So this is totally unrelated to my other thread, if you read that one (too much going on right now....) I'm getting pretty conflicting signals about a friend, and need help pale

I met a woman who seemed nice at a social event for single queer women this summer, and we ended up hanging out and getting along great. Unfortunately, I ended up with a huge crush on her. She's naturally outgoing, and although I couldn't be sure, I thought she might be interested in me. She would do things like tease me, touch me often during conversation on the arm or leg (sometimes while making a suggestive joke), and invite me to events and tell me how happy she was that I was coming. After finding out that we were seeking similar things in a relationship and that I'm probably at least in the general ballpark of being her type, I asked her if she would go on a date with me. She said no, and that she gets a "friend vibe" from me, but that she is glad I checked and that she wanted to hang out again soon. I was crushed - I have never been in a relationship and she seemed so perfect for me, and I had allowed myself to be hopeful.

I've asked her to a couple of events/gatherings with me since then, always group things where we wouldn't be alone together, and she is always busy or can't make it for one reason or another. But she always seems super nice and happy to hear from me based on her texts. I really do want to be friends with her, but I can't help but feel that I'm being a pest, regardless of what she says. I don't want her to think I'm harassing her. Another thing is that I'm pretty new where I live and don't have a lot of friends yet.

Should I pay attention to her words saying that she wants to hang out as friends, or her actions, and just give up? I'm planning a thing with a friend or two soon and can't decide whether to invite her.



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Post by eselle28 on Fri Oct 17, 2014 1:04 am

If she's turned down two of invitations and hasn't reciprocated with any of her own, I'd say it's probably time to stop asking. If she asks you to do something sometime, that's great and then you can start asking her to hang out again. If she doesn't, you guys might just be on track to be friendly acquaintances who say hello when you see each other. It doesn't sound like she's hostile, but unless she does something to reciprocate, I think you'd be better directing your friendship-making efforts elsewhere.
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Post by reboot on Fri Oct 17, 2014 9:59 am

eselle28 wrote:If she's turned down two of invitations and hasn't reciprocated with any of her own, I'd say it's probably time to stop asking. If she asks you to do something sometime, that's great and then you can start asking her to hang out again. If she doesn't, you guys might just be on track to be friendly acquaintances who say hello when you see each other. It doesn't sound like she's hostile, but unless she does something to reciprocate, I think you'd be better directing your friendship-making efforts elsewhere.

I have to second this. If she does want to hang out with you she will reach out to you. She does not seem to dislike you at all, but might not want to have anything more than a "person I see around" relationship with you at this time. This does not reflect badly on you or her as a person. People sometimes just are not up for making new friends or more close friends for a variety of reasons. So if you enjoy talking to her when you see her, continue to do so. If it makes you feel bad or sad, then do not interact beyond a "Hey how are you!"
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Post by Kiskadee on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:21 am

Ugh, every single time I have scraped up the nerve to admit to having feelings for someone, I've lost her from my life for good. There is no way to feel okay about that. And this person has specifically told me several times she wants to make new close friends now, so it's definitely personal.

I have even been working so hard to get over her - dating anyone who would possible say yes, putting myself in uncomfortable situations, and doubling down on the DIY CBT. Bright side, at least I can ditch the folks I'm dating now.
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