Would/Do you respond to a "hey" message?

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Post by azazel on Fri Oct 17, 2014 3:42 am

As the title says, if you're using OLD, do you respond to one-word messages if the profile of the person is otherwise cool?
If not, why not?

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Post by Autumnflame on Fri Oct 17, 2014 4:10 am

I can't recall an instance where there was a cool profile behind a one-word message. The people who put effort into their profiles in a way that would appeal to me (generally somewhat verbose, well-written, either whimsical or thoughtful) also generally write decent messages.

(To be fair, after a while of noticing the correlation, I just ended up deleting one-word messages without looking at the profile. It's possible one slipped by me. I sleep easy at night.)
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Post by Lemminkainen on Fri Oct 17, 2014 4:39 am

I would only do this when the person's profile was very, very appealing. But in my profile, I asked anybody writing me to say more than "hey," so them doing so was an indicator that they either didn't read my profile thoroughly or didn't respect my request-- which, for me, are both significant red flags that a person would need to be otherwise really apparently awesome for me to look past.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:00 am

I've seen a lot of profiles with that kind of request, yeah. "Only message me if you have something more to say than 'how are you'." "Rather than send me a like, which means nothing...and because I can't see you because I don't have an a-list account I would much prefer it if you sent me a message if you're interested in me." "Please don't 'like' me and then not message me. To me it is a very mixed signal." "Please demonstrate that you at least skimmed my profile when you send your message."

We've already kind of gone over this, but I agree clicking "like" is basically the same as a "hey" message. If I got to choose between getting "heys" and "stars" and getting meaningful messages expressing clear interest, duh I'd choose the latter.

But I'm not a pretty lady (ETA: or interested in men). I don't get to make that choice. There's "stars", or nothing. So, yes, I respond to (an equivalent of) "hey".
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Post by eselle28 on Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:09 am

I do it if we've starred each other, which generally means I was getting around to writing him anyway, but I don't otherwise bother to check out profiles in those cases. When I used to bother looking at the profiles of the "hey" guys, they were never ones I thought indicated compatibility and were disproportionately ones that I found offensive or discouraging in various ways. Given a fairly strong pattern in that direction, it's made sense for me not to devote time to finding the needle in a haystack "hey" dude who I'd want to meet. But if I'd bothered to look and liked the profile, I would probably try to think of something to say to him.

As for everyone else's criteria about who they write to and respond to, that's their own business in my book.
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Post by Guest on Fri Oct 17, 2014 7:54 am

A "hey," to me, reads as a "check out my profile, please", so that's what I do. I check the profile. If it's someone I want to message after reading the profile, I do. If not, I don't. I suspect I'm slightly more likely to message "hey" message guys than non-message guys, but not a lot. However, it adds you right away to "people whose profiles I've looked at," which is a big odds-improver on its own, especially if you have shaky pictures and a boring username.

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Post by KMR on Fri Oct 17, 2014 9:24 am

Theoretically, I might respond. As a general rule, I use three criteria to determine whether I will message someone, and if at least two out of the three are really good, then I'll probably talk to them. Those three criteria are their profile, their match percentage/questions, and their first message to me (if they've sent one). So if they're a really high match and their profile stands out to me, they'd be the type of guy I'd probably want to message myself anyway, so I'd be okay with a "hey" from those people. However, a lot of times, a good first message (usually indicating that we have things in common) has made a difference in that choice for people who maybe were a good match but their profile didn't impress me or had an interesting profile but a somewhat lower match percentage. So a "hey" message just eliminates one of the ways that you could improve your chances to get a reply.

In practice, however, like others here have said, I've never gotten a "hey" message from someone who would really appeal to me. The people who send "hey" messages almost always have a match percent in the 60s or below and tend to have very sparse profiles. I've also noticed a trend that people who write really short (i.e. 1-2 sentence max) first messages are the type who probably don't really like chatting online because they treat messaging like texting and always keep it really short, then ask to meet in person as soon as possible. This is may be fine for many people, but it doesn't work well with my preferred method of online dating, which is to spend a fair amount of time exchanging multi-paragraph messages so that I can get to know someone before being comfortable enough to meet in person.
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Post by Hirundo Bos on Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:55 am

I, for my part, wouldn't quite know what to say to a hey-message. When I'm the first to say something (with or without nonverbal encouragement), at least I have the context of starting a conversation to go from. With a "hey" already out there, the context would be set to responding to brief, noncommital, and my natural response would be, "well, hey there," and that wouldn't help to get the conversation going.

To redefine the context into something that could be built upon would take a lot more effort, at least for me, than starting the conversation in the first place would have.
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Post by inertia on Fri Oct 17, 2014 2:12 pm

When I have tried online dating no.

at the beggining you tried to do it... but essentially just ended up with me annoyed at the person.

it ends up feeling like you are on msn/sykpe or something... and usually the person hasn't read your profile or anything like that.

the "hey" messages ultimately seem incredibly lazy to me and says "Entertain me"

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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Fri Oct 17, 2014 2:54 pm

As a guy, I treat a "hey" message about the same way I do a high match percentage. I'll go check out the profile and if the person is interesting and gives me something to start a conversation with, I'll reply. Of course this has happened maybe four or five times total in a year and I have replied to maybe two.

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Post by Guest on Fri Oct 17, 2014 3:10 pm

I'd say "hey" back, albeit in a much sillier way.

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Post by Suika on Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:52 pm

No, as I would freeze up like a deer in headlights over the prospect of having a woman initiate a conversation with me online.
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Post by C-Bass on Fri Oct 17, 2014 6:44 pm

I hate when people do this; just get to the point, otherwise I'm never going to get back to you.

Besides, how many of these messages is any given women going to receive over a given amount of time? How the hell is me sending 'Hey' without anything else possibly going to grab her attention?
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Post by azazel on Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:03 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:I've seen a lot of profiles with that kind of request, yeah. "Only message me if you have something more to say than 'how are you'." "Rather than send me a like, which means nothing...and because I can't see you because I don't have an a-list account I would much prefer it if you sent me a message if you're interested in me." "Please don't 'like' me and then not message me. To me it is a very mixed signal." "Please demonstrate that you at least skimmed my profile when you send your message."

We've already kind of gone over this, but I agree clicking "like" is basically the same as a "hey" message. If I got to choose between getting "heys" and "stars" and getting meaningful messages expressing clear interest, duh I'd choose the latter.

But I'm not a pretty lady (ETA: or interested in men). I don't get to make that choice. There's "stars", or nothing. So, yes, I respond to (an equivalent of) "hey".

I've got to admit that to me, women sending "hey" messages or rating-without-a-message seem strongly correlated with oh-lolz-look-how-emancipated-I-am-I-even-send-messages (but refuse to put effort in that)-HURRDURR personalities. Kinda like the same person who insist they're emancipated because if you offer to pay for the dinner they always insist to share, but if you don't offer to pay for dinner and just pay your own share you never hear from them again.

To me, "nothing" sounds like a pretty good option considering the alternative then.

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Post by UristMcBunny on Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:43 pm

Azazel, if I can be frank I have zero idea what you're trying to say, but I feel like you're trying to make a point about something. I'd appreciate if you'd clarify what your analogy is supposed to mean.

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Post by Werel on Fri Oct 17, 2014 10:20 pm

azazel wrote:
I've got to admit that to me, women sending "hey" messages or rating-without-a-message seem strongly correlated with oh-lolz-look-how-emancipated-I-am-I-even-send-messages (but refuse to put effort in that)-HURRDURR personalities. Kinda like the same person who insist they're emancipated because if you offer to pay for the dinner they always insist to share, but if you don't offer to pay for dinner and just pay your own share you never hear from them again.

To me, "nothing" sounds like a pretty good option considering the alternative then.

It sort of sounds like here you're setting up "emancipation" (and subtext-o-meter says you mean "all kinda feminism"--am I wrong?) as the punchline to a joke about how bitches be hypocritical hurrdurr. But I'm with Bunny on the "wait what do you actually mean?" boat; is that what you actually mean?
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Post by nearly_takuan on Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:24 pm

Er, if you didn't follow up with them, how did you know they had that attitude about it?

In my limited experience the "hey"/"star" correlates with an ongoing reluctance to put any effort at all into moving a conversation in either an interesting direction or toward a meeting proposal. They don't seem to think they've done me a particular favor by (not) initiating an interaction; they just seem to be lazy and kind of bored/boring and not terribly interested in me after all. Conversations tend to feel like this (aggregated and paraphrased and almost certainly biased toward my perspective, but do note that we rated each other 4+ stars prior to this)—

Hi, nice to meet you. You know, I never did get around to trying $thing and now I'm wondering if I should. Is it like $other_thing? Can't stay long just now, but I'd love to read more about what you like about it some time.
Yeah it's good and I guess it is kind of like $other_thing.
Well, that's good to know. Maybe I will check it out after all, then. Hey, what made you decide to go into $career, if anything? I'd have to admit I kind of just fell into mine, but I usually like it pretty well so I guess it worked out.
Oh that's good. For me it was that I was good at $task and I like helping other people. (Side note: "helping people" factors into at least two-thirds of all the jobs on the planet. There are very few less personal motivations.)
That certainly seems like a good way to accomplish that. So, I guess things must have been pretty busy lately. Anything interesting going on?
Not much lol I'm just working part time and watching Netflix. (Alternately, she recites her "Friday night" essay sentence afterthought.)
Oh. Well, then, do you think you'd be free to meet for coffee (or tea or water or juice or food) in a couple of days? What kind of thing do you usually like?
Silence for a couple of days, and then, if I'm "lucky":
Hey I started seeing someone, [sic] but we can chat some more if that's okay, [sic] if you don't want to I'll understand.

I used to type out replies explaining that although there was no ill will, penpals aren't remotely exactly what I'm looking for on a dating site, so I would probably not be bothering her again. Whatever patience and sincerity I might have had left for this type of conversation has been pretty thoroughly drained out of me since several months ago, though, so at this point my response is identical to the average woman's: utter silence.

(ETA: Okay, so I totally judge people too. Of course I judge people for expecting to get my attention by just clicking a thing and for having profiles that consist entirely of lists of things that are the same things a lot of other profiles list. But....they half twelve percent initiated a thing and indicated interest and that is more than most people.)
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Post by Kiskadee on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:34 am

Does anyone else chose to "like" or rate highly, or whatever those profiles which you like, but who you make you shyer than average? Normally I message people when interested, but if there's something that's making me feel insecure about talking to her, sometimes I just hit a bunch of stars.

Possibly an explanation other than laziness for some people? This is probably less true of an actual message that just says "hey" In any case, I think it's worth replying as long as you don't waste too much time on it.
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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:47 am

Ideas on how to not waste a lot of time when trying to solicit a meaningful response from heysayers? Because I always find myself doing quite a lot of research looking for topics that might lead to something, and as that continues to fail I eventually escalate any given conversation to something between a dental extraction and a militant interrogation. We have ways of making you talk..! (Except it turns out I actually really don't.)

I don't even keep the teeth.
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Post by azazel on Sat Oct 18, 2014 7:18 am

Werel wrote:
azazel wrote:
I've got to admit that to me, women sending "hey" messages or rating-without-a-message seem strongly correlated with oh-lolz-look-how-emancipated-I-am-I-even-send-messages (but refuse to put effort in that)-HURRDURR personalities. Kinda like the same person who insist they're emancipated because if you offer to pay for the dinner they always insist to share, but if you don't offer to pay for dinner and just pay your own share you never hear from them again.

To me, "nothing" sounds like a pretty good option considering the alternative then.

It sort of sounds like here you're setting up "emancipation" (and subtext-o-meter says you mean "all kinda feminism"--am I wrong?) as the punchline to a joke about how bitches be hypocritical hurrdurr. But I'm with Bunny on the "wait what do you actually mean?" boat; is that what you actually mean?

I´m a bit surprised how you gather that from my text? O_o

I'm questioning the emancipation of two very distinct groups of people: the women who rate but don't send messages, and women who would never date a guy who doesn't offer to pay for dates, and I suggest there's significant overlap between the two.

There are more groups of course, for instance the group of women who don't rate and don't message, which I can most certainly understand because approaching sucks hard.

Then there's the group of women who send messages, which is awesome.

And then there's the group of women who sends messages and rates people, which kinda indicates that the men they rated are obviously second choice, since they weren't good enough for an initial message.

So when you actually follow up being rated highly with some indicator of interest of your own, you either get someone who methaporically shakes hands of non-white people at every opportunity to prove they're not racist, or you get someone who made it clear you're subpar.

And Nearly_takuan, those traits correlate very strongly with other certain traits that manifest themselves IRL in my experience.
For example the type that would flirt almost to the point of harrassment with a guy, but never actually ask them out because that's just unladylike.
Incredibly annoying, since you can't "reject" them, and you don't want to lead them on so you have to cut them off completely when it becomes too annoying.
Since it's the same thought pattern ("I want this guy and I want that to be mostly clear, but not too clear because at least I won't be rejected") I feel comfortable extrapolating.

Anyway, the fact that I've just got enough pride not to date someone who think I'm a subpar human being is the reason why I normally try to avoid posting about my dating endeavours. It feels wrong to whine about how I can't find anyone while I have options I'm not willing to pursue.

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Post by reboot on Sat Oct 18, 2014 11:14 am

Azazel, have you ever met any women from the rate but do not message group upon whom you are basing these conclusions?

See, I am one of them. I rate people who I would like to date but I do not meet their criteria in some way. I do not want to bother them with a message because we are not compatible, but want to show some sign of appreciation.

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Post by Enail on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:07 pm

I've never done OLD, so I may be making an assumption that doesn't really apply, but I've always figured people might star someone that they thought looked cool at a quick glance, but want to come back to later when they have more time/energy to write a message. Unless there's some other way of flagging profiles to remind yourself of them later?
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Post by Kiskadee on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:14 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Ideas on how to not waste a lot of time when trying to solicit a meaningful response from heysayers? Because I always find myself doing quite a lot of research looking for topics that might lead to something, and as that continues to fail I eventually escalate any given conversation to something between a dental extraction and a militant interrogation. We have ways of making you talk..! (Except it turns out I actually really don't.)

I don't even keep the teeth.

Hahaha, yeah. Personally, I would respond to one halfhearted indication of interest (rating or "hey"), since that could be shyness or a very busy day or anything. If you write one good toothpulling message back, and get something short and pointless as a response, I'd say she's either not interested or naturally flakey.

Totally agree with reboot, and I do that too sometimes. Often it means I think they are too good for me in one way or another, NOT that they are subpar.
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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:17 pm

azazel wrote:Anyway, the fact that I've just got enough pride not to date someone who think I'm a subpar human being is the reason why I normally try to avoid posting about my dating endeavours. It feels wrong to whine about how I can't find anyone while I have options I'm not willing to pursue.
I don't see anything wrong with that.

You wanna complain, then complain. Rant or "discuss" or ask for help finding workarounds and alternatives and gimmicks. If pride is a psychological barrier to doing a thing, that isn't any less real or legitimate than any other obstacle and you should rightly expect people to take that seriously if you bring it up in the context of an issue you're struggling with. And I'm not even talking about "fixing" your attitude (hell, makes sense to me; main difference between us is I'm still willing to put up with the bullshit just in case). You'd rather be alone? Being alone still sucks? 'Ey, we've got a thread about that too.

The only "wrong" move, IMO, is to pester with these weird not-really-questions just to prove a point. Or at least, I get the sense that you're trying to prove a point, but even after your explanation I'm not entirely sure what that point is.

Frankly, this attempt at educating us just feels so half-hearted that I have trouble believing that's your real goal. Wink
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Post by Mel on Sat Oct 18, 2014 1:03 pm

Yeah, azazel, these very negative statements about women you're making (comparing them to racists now!), simply based on their using what sounds like a normal function of the website, are unfair and uncalled for.  There are women here telling you that they use this function or similar functions on other sites for other reasons that aren't them being hypocrites or treating you as a subpar human being. Please recognize that you don't actually know that every or even most women who rate a guy without messaging him are being horrible in some way, and stop the generalizing.

It sounds as though you've never actually talked to a woman who's done this, so I'm not sure where you're drawing these conclusions from in the first place.  But even if you have talked to some women who rate guys in a hypocritical or insulting way--that doesn't make it reasonable to assume and say all women who use the rating system are like that.  You notice how the other posters here who've said they don't respond to "hey" messages anymore indicated it was because they personally found the people who did so, when they made the effort to look, weren't people who fit what they were looking for, so they stopped bothering making the effort, or they find those sorts of messages themselves annoying to try to respond to.  They didn't say, "People who just say 'hey' are bad/offensive people," and if they had that wouldn't be okay either.

If you want to talk about this issue without being challenged, a much better way would be to use those posts as a model.  Talk about your own feelings and experiences.  You can say, "Being rated without getting a message makes me feel like I'm being told I'm not good enough, so I'd feel worse pursuing those than just ignoring them," or "I've met several women who talk about using the rating system in this hypocritical way, so that makes me uncomfortable responding to anyone who only rates me," or whatever, without making any claims about what every woman doing this definitely intends, and you'd be fine. I don't think that should be so hard?
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