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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:51 pm

This is mostly so I can get all this down someplace as a way to organize my thoughts, and this is a safe place to do that. However advice and discussion are welcome as well.

Note: all names have been changed using the last thing I read.

There's a girl I have a crush on, I'm going to call her Laura. I've been interested in her for a while but I haven't been in a position in my life where I felt comfortable trying to start a relationship. Well now I am, but that's just background.

Laura's best friend, Nico, is married to my best friend Chase. I know Chase knows about my feelings for Laura, and I've long assumed Nico also knew. This assumption has left me torn in regards to her motives at times, for example if multiple cars need to be taken for a group of us to go someplace Nico always sends Laura with me and Chase to keep us out of trouble. This could be the real reason, but she could also be sending Laura with us because she knows I like her. There a various instances like this that I normally normally assume are innocent but in the back of my head there's the thought that Nico is smart, and can be devious and this does seem like the kind of thing she would do.

This past weekend Nico and Laura went out and Chase and I stayed in with a couple other friends and played games and drank. Chase and I got decently drunk, so I stayed the night at his place. When Nico and Laura got back Laura stayed for a few minutes then left and Chase, Nico and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. During a lull I asked chase what his favorite part of the night was and Nico interjects "What was yours, [Laura] showing up in those tights?" Which was the first time Nico has every explicitly acknowledged my crush on Laura which has made me think back on the things I mentioned earlier. I'm probably being dumb and over-thinking everything but that's whats running through my head.
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Post by Enail on Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:59 pm

Runaways?
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Mon Oct 20, 2014 9:05 pm

Yup, and Avenger's Arena
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Post by 8bitGreyscale on Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:55 pm

I totally get your description*, but I'm not completely sure what aspect you would like advice or discussion of? If you should tell Laura how you feel/ask her out? Or directly ask Nico about the previous incidents that may have been a nudge? Or something else?


* thanks for using actual names as pseudonyms instead of just single letters like L, N and C. Makes it much easier for me to keep each person clear and distinct and not mix the letters up.
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Mon Oct 20, 2014 11:14 pm

I originally planned to include this story

At Nico and Chase's wedding the other groomsmen encouraged me to ask her to dance which lead me to believe that my flirting was at least a little well received. An assumption I made because I believe that friends wouldn't encourage me to do something that they felt would be an immediate failure.

This story would have led to the question: What's the proper friend thing to do? Encourage your friend to ask someone out no matter how you think it will turn out? Only give them your opinion if they ask? Keep your mouth shut no matter what? Something else?

As for advice any advice anyone wants to give me would be acceptable. I don't require advice; I plan on asking Laura out when I get a chance, but I'm open to the opinions of others.

I am curious about this part now though "directly ask Nico about the previous incidents that may have been a nudge?" So if anyone wants to weigh in on that I wouldn't object.

*Edited for terrible terrible speeling mistakes


Last edited by Artanis_Neravar on Tue Oct 21, 2014 4:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Autumnflame on Tue Oct 21, 2014 12:46 pm

Seems like a lot of unrelated stuff around a simple situation with a simple solution: ask--

Artanis_Neravar wrote:I don't require advice; I plan on asking Laura out when I get a chance, but I'must open to the opinions of others.

Oh. Well, never mind then. Smile

I'm still not really sure what you're asking with regards to the friends. Yeah, some people, if they notice a friend has a crush, will rib them about it or try to push them together; others will leave them alone. No reaction is more appropriate than the other, unless the friend in question has a problem with it. If it makes you uncomfortable you can ask them to step off and tell them it makes you uncomfortable to be talked about/pushed like that, but otherwise it's just friends doing what friends do. (I suspect they probably do know; lots of times people aren't as good about hiding their attraction as they think they are.)
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Tue Oct 21, 2014 5:41 pm

I generally try to assume that everyone can tell, To quote the doctor "I’m a fan of playful flirting with just a hint of antagonism." so I feel that it is obvious to the people observing. What I intended to say in that story (something I terribly mangled by typing right before bed on my phone) was that I assumed, from their point of view, that my flirting was well received. After all, friends wouldn't encourage you to go ask someone to dance who obviously just wants you to leave them alone right? Especially not with such vigor. They seemed convinced enough that it was a good idea that I almost did ask her to dance. (the only reason I didn't is because as I was walking over to ask, my ex started talking to her)

Something I saw a lot on the old forum was the idea that without seeing the interaction between two people one can't determine if there is a two way connection.

And as you said "lots of times people aren't as good about hiding their attraction as they think they are."

So I think what I was getting at (please don't read that as sarcasm, I'm really not entirely sure what I was trying to say originally) was that if you see the interaction between a friend and their crush you can come to one of three basic conclusions.
1. The crush is interested
2. The crush isn't interested
3. You are unsure

So
Do you tell your friend "Hey, I think they are interested go for it/I'm not getting that vibe from them"
Do you wait for them to ask you your opinion then give it? or
Do you keep your opinion to yourself even if they ask?

I think that's everything, but I typed it very sporadically so I may have missed something. Feel free to ask for more info.
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Post by eselle28 on Tue Oct 21, 2014 6:17 pm

Artanis_Neravar wrote:
Do you tell your friend "Hey, I think they are interested go for it/I'm not getting that vibe from them"
Do you wait for them to ask you your opinion then give it? or
Do you keep your opinion to yourself even if they ask?

I think that's everything, but I typed it very sporadically so I may have missed something. Feel free to ask for more info.

I would give opinion if asked and would volunteer it if I thought my friend was experiencing the crush in a way that was unhealthy or that was making the crushed upon person uncomfortable. In those cases where it never can be because the crushed upon person isn't interested or one or both people is in a relationship, I generally just let my friend enjoy/suffer through the crush without commentary.
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Post by reboot on Tue Oct 21, 2014 6:22 pm

eselle28 wrote:
Artanis_Neravar wrote:
Do you tell your friend "Hey, I think they are interested go for it/I'm not getting that vibe from them"
Do you wait for them to ask you your opinion then give it? or
Do you keep your opinion to yourself even if they ask?

I think that's everything, but I typed it very sporadically so I may have missed something. Feel free to ask for more info.

I would give opinion if asked and would volunteer it if I thought my friend was experiencing the crush in a way that was unhealthy or that was making the crushed upon person uncomfortable. In those cases where it never can be because the crushed upon person isn't interested or one or both people is in a relationship, I generally just let my friend enjoy/suffer through the crush without commentary.

I tend to be noncommittal unless the crush has also told me they have a crush on my friend or if (as eselle says) the crush is causing problems or the crush explicitly says they do not like my friend in that way. If I just suspect that it is mutual (but no confirmation from crush) or that it is one way (also unconfirmed), I stay out of it even if asked. It feels too getting in the middle of things to spread supposition.
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Post by BasedBuzzed on Tue Oct 21, 2014 7:13 pm

Depending on the do-nothing-but-delay level of behaviour of any friend, I will:
a)win intel with regards to current relationships/preferences of the target of affection.
b)if greenlit, invite the target of affection along with something that gives plenty of time for the friend to get more comfortable.
c)zap down any self-defeating beliefs as they come up, and encourage the friend to do the asking even if it's just to overcome shyness.
d)proceed to leave them the hell alone if they do actually manage to get some one-on-one time.

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Post by kath on Tue Oct 21, 2014 9:32 pm

I think everyone's advice is good, and that it totally depends on the personalities of the people involved.

You can ask Nico if she's been nudging you to ask Laura out, if you want to get her actual opinion on the situation, or ask her not to do that if that situation ever comes up again.

I know that when my husband was crushing on me, he asked our mutual friend if he should go for it and she encouraged him.

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Post by Jayce on Wed Oct 22, 2014 12:18 am

Well theres only one way to suceed. Ask her out.

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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Wed Oct 22, 2014 5:43 pm

This is all very good advice, I think I might ask Nico if she's been nudging me. Partly because I'll see her before I will see Laura again.

Side note: these fake names keep throwing me off
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Post by readertorider on Thu Oct 23, 2014 2:29 pm

Speaking as a possible(?) crushee--there's been several times in my life where a friend's friends will make comments like, "Brian wrote your name on a list of things he loves" or tell friend in front of me, "You choked. I think someone's a little nervous about playing with reader..." There's also times when mutual friends will bow out of planned events and I'm left alone with just one lone male friend (who doesn't make a move).

I hate it when this happens. The only thing that makes sense for me to do here is wait until male friend actually says something directly to me. I don't want to preemptively reject someone on limited evidence, but worrying about how friend's *friendly* arm around my shoulders looks to friend (and friend group) and making sure I'm not sending any encouraging signals gets old really really fast. At the same time even if I do want to date friend, I don't think I have enough evidence to act on, and the whole situation just hits sensitive spots.

tl;dr: I really don't like how mutual friends can stealthily make a friend's feelings toward me into my problem, and very much suggest you ask out your friend asap, Artanis_Neravar.
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Post by reboundstudent on Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:55 pm

readertorider wrote:I hate it when this happens. The only thing that makes sense for me to do here is wait until male friend actually says something directly to me. I don't want to preemptively reject someone on limited evidence, but worrying about how friend's *friendly* arm around my shoulders looks to friend (and friend group) and making sure I'm not sending any encouraging signals gets old really really fast. At the same time even if I do want to date friend, I don't think I have enough evidence to act on, and the whole situation just hits sensitive spots.

tl;dr: I really don't like how mutual friends can stealthily make a friend's feelings toward me into my problem, and very much suggest you ask out your friend asap, Artanis_Neravar.

Yeeesss. Extra super awkward when your friends who believe Guy A has a crush on you turn out to be wrong, or reading into things. I had quite a few times in college where friends would intentionally push me together with a guy, and yet the guy had only middling interest. I've had two occasions (both in college) where after a party, friends who were giving me a ride home stranded me at a guy's house who they felt I should hook up with. Well, okay, in the second example they tried, but I had had quite a few, and refused to get out of the car, insisting this wasn't my house and they were being weird.
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Post by Autumnflame on Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:36 pm

reboundstudent wrote:I've had two occasions (both in college) where after a party, friends who were giving me a ride home stranded me at a guy's house who they felt I should hook up with. Well, okay, in the second example they tried, but I had had quite a few, and refused to get out of the car, insisting this wasn't my house and they were being weird.

... Shocked

WHO DOES THAT

This is why people think the issue may be your friends, not you!
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Post by reboot on Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:17 pm

Autumnflame wrote:
reboundstudent wrote:I've had two occasions (both in college) where after a party, friends who were giving me a ride home stranded me at a guy's house who they felt I should hook up with. Well, okay, in the second example they tried, but I had had quite a few, and refused to get out of the car, insisting this wasn't my house and they were being weird.

... Shocked

WHO DOES THAT

This is why people think the issue may be your friends, not you!

Definitely a Suspect for "friends" that pull something like that. "Hey! Let's abandon our drunk friend at some dude's house." "Great idea!" WTFFF (what the fuckity fuck fuck)
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Post by eselle28 on Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:24 pm

reboot wrote:
Autumnflame wrote:
reboundstudent wrote:I've had two occasions (both in college) where after a party, friends who were giving me a ride home stranded me at a guy's house who they felt I should hook up with. Well, okay, in the second example they tried, but I had had quite a few, and refused to get out of the car, insisting this wasn't my house and they were being weird.

... Shocked

WHO DOES THAT

This is why people think the issue may be your friends, not you!

Definitely a Suspect for "friends" that pull something like that. "Hey! Let's abandon our drunk friend at some dude's house." "Great idea!" WTFFF (what the fuckity fuck fuck)

Cosigning the Suspect and adding a  Disapproving. It's sketchy from the other side of things too, or at least I wouldn't appreciate it if I was hanging out at home and my buddies dropped a drunk friend off at my house for no understandable reason.
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Post by reboot on Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:33 pm

eselle28 wrote:
reboot wrote:
Autumnflame wrote:
reboundstudent wrote:I've had two occasions (both in college) where after a party, friends who were giving me a ride home stranded me at a guy's house who they felt I should hook up with. Well, okay, in the second example they tried, but I had had quite a few, and refused to get out of the car, insisting this wasn't my house and they were being weird.

... Shocked

WHO DOES THAT

This is why people think the issue may be your friends, not you!

Definitely a Suspect for "friends" that pull something like that. "Hey! Let's abandon our drunk friend at some dude's house." "Great idea!" WTFFF (what the fuckity fuck fuck)

Cosigning the Suspect and adding a  Disapproving. It's sketchy from the other side of things too, or at least I wouldn't appreciate it if I was hanging out at home and my buddies dropped a drunk friend off at my house for no understandable reason.

Especially because (unless you are a jerk) you are now required to host them until morning or get them safely home. So I will add a Surprised to the Suspect and Disapproving
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:05 pm

Whelp, had a chance to ask her out and I let it slip by. I was having a bad self-esteem day to begin with and then somethings happened while a group of us were hanging out and gaming and as a result I just couldn't pull myself out of my own mind long enough to do anything.
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Post by reboundstudent on Mon Oct 27, 2014 1:19 pm

eselle28 wrote:
reboot wrote:
Autumnflame wrote:
reboundstudent wrote:I've had two occasions (both in college) where after a party, friends who were giving me a ride home stranded me at a guy's house who they felt I should hook up with. Well, okay, in the second example they tried, but I had had quite a few, and refused to get out of the car, insisting this wasn't my house and they were being weird.

... Shocked

WHO DOES THAT

This is why people think the issue may be your friends, not you!

Definitely a Suspect for "friends" that pull something like that. "Hey! Let's abandon our drunk friend at some dude's house." "Great idea!" WTFFF (what the fuckity fuck fuck)

Cosigning the Suspect and adding a  Disapproving. It's sketchy from the other side of things too, or at least I wouldn't appreciate it if I was hanging out at home and my buddies dropped a drunk friend off at my house for no understandable reason.

The guy was already hanging out with us in both situations, so they weren't just dropping me off at a house where he had no idea I would be there. (Sorry that part was confusing.)

From what I could tell, the motivation behind it was," Marty complains so much about being single/boys not liking her. So we have to force this situation to happen, and then she'll stop complaining."

Many, if not most, of my relationship horror stories center around guys who would not ask me out and were "forced" into it in some way (either I forced their hand by asking them out or friends forced their hand by dropping really heavy hints that made us all uncomfortable or forcing us together somehow.)

So, please, please, either ask her out like immediately (don't wait for the right time, don't wait for the right head space, just send her a message that says "Hey I'd love to take you for coffee. Thoughts?") or drop it, and make all of your friends follow suit. If there is one thing I have learned, long, drawn-out crushes without any kind of forward momentum seem to only lead to bad things for everybody.
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Post by UristMcBunny on Mon Oct 27, 2014 3:43 pm

Okay, so, whatever motives your friends had? That still sounds like a scary situation (and honestly kind of rapey... lying about taking drunk friend home, dropping drunk friend off at the home of some random dude in the explicit hope that they will fuck, when drunk friend doesn't even want to fuck said person? Recipe for some bad fucking situations!).

reboundstudent wrote:
So, please, please, either ask her out like immediately (don't wait for the right time, don't wait for the right head space, just send her a message that says "Hey I'd love to take you for coffee. Thoughts?") or drop it, and make all of your friends follow suit. If there is one thing I have learned, long, drawn-out crushes without any kind of forward momentum seem to only lead to bad things for everybody.

But yes, you are SPOT FUCKING ON with the advice above.

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Post by Guest on Mon Oct 27, 2014 8:23 pm

reboundstudent wrote:
So, please, please, either ask her out like immediately (don't wait for the right time, don't wait for the right head space, just send her a message that says "Hey I'd love to take you for coffee. Thoughts?") or drop it, and make all of your friends follow suit. If there is one thing I have learned, long, drawn-out crushes without any kind of forward momentum seem to only lead to bad things for everybody.

There's a reason why I don't like asking to be "set-up", that's embarrassing and unfair to the other person. Either I them out myself, or I don't. In most cases, I don't do anything and keep my head down. Razz In regards to having long drawn out crushes, from personal experience the only one who's ever really been hurt has been me. And that's mostly because I'm an idiot and don't tell people for the most part.

UristMcBunny wrote:Okay, so, whatever motives your friends had?  That still sounds like a scary situation (and honestly kind of rapey... lying about taking drunk friend home, dropping drunk friend off at the home of some random dude in the explicit hope that they will fuck, when drunk friend doesn't even want to fuck said person?  Recipe for some bad fucking situations!).

Hehehe, so punny.

Also, looks like Artanis didn't ask out his lady-friend. That's okay. I'm gonna steal a line from Scarlett O'Hara and say, "After all... tomorrow is another day."


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