Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by UristMcBunny on Wed Oct 22, 2014 6:04 pm

So... we recently started doing fortnightly RPG nights with two other couples, thanks to one member of the group working with my other half. And... at least with one of the couples, I kind of felt very much like I'd found My People. Seriously. Nerdy couple, love drinking rum, love cats, want to build there own eco-home and have an actual long-term plan to achieve it, filthy minded, we instantly bonded like crazy and got along ridiculously well with zero ice-breaker awkwardness. Which is WEIRD. But AWESOME. But WEIRD.

And I kind of feel like I really, really want to become good friends with these people. I can easily see them being way more than just my gaming buddies. Which is ridiculous for a couple of people I have hung out with now exactly twice. And... yeah, I'll admit it, I worry I'm at risk of overdoing the LOVE ME NEW FRIEND thing. I've actually made a point of checking myself not to jump in and get clingy, and I may be over-thinking it. For example, one of the party had to leave early last weekend because they weren't feeling well. I sent them a casual message saying I hoped they felt better and that we missed them at the game, and I instantly worried it was too much.

So.

Obviously, for friends you see often - co-workers, for example, it's fairly easy to let the friendship develop organically. But what I'm not sure of is how to do all of that with people that, currently, I will see at most once a fortnight (gonna be three weeks probably till the next one as my other half will be away). How soon is it okay to suggest that say... me and the other woman meet up to do something fun, like grabbing coffee and window-shopping at Games Workshop, or whatever? How many times should we have got together for fun and games before I start inviting them to do other stuff, too?

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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Re: Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by Enail on Wed Oct 22, 2014 6:19 pm

I think it's okay to make a casual invite pretty much right away as long as you don't push it too hard - if you can suggest something based on what you're talking about it and it's more organic (eg, you're talking about a movie that sounds cool and you suggest going to see it together), that's less likely to feel over-enthusiastic.

Also, yay! That sounds awesome! Smile
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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Re: Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by The Wisp on Wed Oct 22, 2014 6:37 pm

The "Be Cool" and "It Takes Time" sections of this DNL article seem relevant: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/how-to-make-friends/

This quote struck me as particularly relevant:

And in fairness: it can be hard not to come across as too eager, especially if you have relatively few friends. Making new friends is awesome and exciting! It’s a great feeling! But letting yourself get caught up in the new friendship rush can open you up to disappointment. After all, people can have asymmetrical levels of friendship; one person may think that the other is their BFF while the latter thinks the former is a cool guy but not be the first on his “people to hang out with” rolodex. Finding out that the person you were assuming was your new potential best man doesn’t feel the same about you can seriously hurt and leave you wondering whether you’re really friends at all.

Cultivating an attitude of cautious interest , at least at first, until you’re closer and hang out more often, is often best. You like ‘em – after all, you want to be friends – but your life doesn’t necessarily revolve around them.
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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Re: Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by kleenestar on Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:47 pm

I think it's never too soon to invite someone to hang out one-on-one. If you like them, why wait? The question is once you have, then how soon can you hang out with them again. My solution, because I am blunt, is to say something like, "Hey, I really like you and think you are awesome. I'd love to hang out with you again. Do you want to get together for gaming as per our original plan, or would you like to do something before then?" That gives the other person an out to cool things off, but also shows them that you are enthusiastic about building a closer relationship.
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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Re: Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by UristMcBunny on Thu Oct 23, 2014 1:40 pm

Thanks everyone, it's good to get a variety of advice - main thing is, it doesn't sound like I need to worry too much so long as I don't go overboard. Now all I need to do is find some things I can use as good "let's do stuff" excuses!

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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Re: Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by reboot on Thu Oct 23, 2014 1:46 pm

Pretty much anything would work. For example, if you are going to be in the town center on a time when she (or they) might be free ask if they want to meet for a coffee/drink/ bite to eat. Or if you and your partner are going to something cool ask if they would like to join. Or you could even invite them over to your house for drinks/games/movies/snacks

Just do not get down if it takes a couple of tries to get something scheduled. New friends often come lower down on the life priority list out of necessity rather than lack of interest
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Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully Empty Re: Handling the New Friend Thing Gracefully

Post by Werel on Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:54 pm

Girl who I'd hung out with exactly once at a party (talked a long time, laughed very much) sends me facebook friend request the next day. I accept, she sends message a few hours later: "Now that we're facebook 'friends,' would you be interested in also being real friends? Because I think you're awesome. Let's get tea sometime." Four years later we are still really tight pals and I am so glad she was ballsy and blunt enough to pursue me like that. Being straightforward (without being demanding at all) is not a bad route when you really like someone!
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