Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

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Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by P_johnston on Tue Oct 28, 2014 12:45 pm

Last night I was feeling really bad. I was feeling sad, worthless and just all around depressed. I really needed someone to talk to. So I contacted my friend.

A little background info. This is the same friend I have a crush on. We used to be really close. She got a boyfriend and I realized I wasn't over her yet. I told her I needed some time and she said that was fine take as much as I need. Recently we started hanging out again a little, but we aren't as close as we used to be. She isn't willing to share anything with me like she used to, she doesn't seem to trust me anymore.

So I contacted her and told her how I was feeling. I talked about how I Felt like I had fucked up our friendship, the only close friendship i really had. I talked about how I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find another close friend like her, how i was afraid I wouldn't ever be able to find a girlfriend, how I feel like I have successfully driven off every girl i have ever dated, How I really really hate myself (because I'm a selfish, lazy, procrastinating, waste of space). I then said I was sorry for unloading on her because I know she has her own issues that are frankly much worse then mine, and how that made me feel even more selfish.

she responded by telling me to grow the fuck up and learn how to deal with my emotions. She said to stop apologizing for unloading on to her. she told me that if I didn't have any luck with dating and friendship it was because I have that attitude. She also talked about how she isn't comfortable sharing with my anymore and would need more time.

I know why she said what she said. I realize that yes it would help to be more confident when it comes to dating and friendship. I know I have to learn to deal with my emotions. also as i said she is having her own issues so i know she's not in the greatest of moods currently and that is why she is snapping.

I guess my problem is that I made myself vulnerable. I have a hard time sharing my emotions and very few people I feel like I can do so with. She was pretty much the only one. It just hurts when you make yourself vulnerable to someone and they react in such a hurtful tone.

After this conversation I had a major breakdown. I sat in my room crying for about and hour looking up different methods of suicide. I eventually called a suicide hotline to talk to someone. that helped a bit. It also made me realize that the only really close friendship I have/had I fucked by by disappearing. I only had one person I could open up to and now I'm all alone. Thank you all for listening I wasn't sure where else I could go to talk about this.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by Dan_Brodribb on Tue Oct 28, 2014 2:04 pm

I'm glad you reached out to an appropriate resource about your suicidal thoughts. I'm also happy you posted.

It's normal to be upset when we feel we've made ourselves vulnerable to someone and they come back with something unexpected or hurtful, especially when we feel we DON'T have that many people we can reach out to. I'm guessing you must have felt pretty lonely after that.

You didn't ask a question in your post, so I'm hoping you'll let us know how we on the forum can best support you. We're not a resource for people who are actively suicidal, so if you're still having thoughts or plans of killing yourself, I hope you'll continue to seek help in your area. We have a stickied post on the subject, that I hope might help.

Are you looking for support? Similar experiences? Feedback on the specific incident with your friend? Advice for the future? A listening ear?

In any case, I wish you the best, and I hope you'll let us know how things are going.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by P_johnston on Tue Oct 28, 2014 2:57 pm

Honestly any feedback on what happened or advice on how to deal with the future (both with the friend and in general) would be appreciated. I really suck at dealing with this emotionally stuff.

I suppose the main reason I posted was because sometimes you just need to know someone is listening. Just needing to feel connected.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 28, 2014 3:18 pm

P, as someone who is currently on the other side of (a milder version of) this same scenario, I would ask you to be kind to her but particularly kind to yourself. It is a big ask to expect one person to be your only outlet for emotion, and having someone place that responsibility on her while being romantically interested in her is not only terrifying, but will inevitably sound hella manipulative even if you don't at all mean it like that. And I am sure you didn't, and you are obviously hurting, which is why you need to forgive yourself a little.

I am glad you were able to talk to someone last night, and I hope that you will keep doing so. I think you may need some long-term counselling to help you understand your current isolation and how you might relieve it. It is very easy to get into the habit of focusing your emotion onto just one person (as my friend has recently done to me). But something to ponder; the people in the happiest marriages also have friends and family that they are close to, even if it's just one or two other people.

I think it's reasonable to give yourself and your friend some time, and then message her, nothing too long, just to explain that you realise you put a lot onto her and that you understand that it was too much with everything she herself is going through. It sounds salvageable at this stage, so don't decide yet that you've lost her forever.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by P_johnston on Tue Oct 28, 2014 3:55 pm

Thanks ember. I' m trying to get into see my therapist but I have a really hard time opening up to therapists and I have tried a few. I tried texting her earlier just to explain how I feel and that I understand why she said what she said. I'll try what you said and message her saying that I know it she's dealing with her own issues and I realize mine are to much for her in a few days. I know it's not fair to expect another person to be my only emotionally outlet but I find it really hard to get close enough to anyone else to do so with mote than one person.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 28, 2014 3:59 pm

Yep, opening up to a therapist is hard, but I kind of see it as confiding with the brakes off - this person is not going to be hurt, horrified, or unduly burdened by your revelations. There is no need to establish intimacy with them, which is the scary bit.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by eselle28 on Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:01 pm

I'm sorry both that you're having so many unhappy feelings and that your attempt to share them with your friend didn't go well. I'm glad you found someone to talk to then, and I hope you have success in opening up about this to your therapist.

As for your friend, now that you've texted her, I think you probably need to give her a little time and space. She's made it pretty clear that she's not up for helping you work through your feelings about the change in your friendship or with your guilt about sharing your problems with her. I think your best attempt at patching things up is to try to work on these feelings without her involvement, and to try to reestablish the casual connection you had before your call. It can take time to put a friendship back together, and this is a case where I think it would help to take a long view.
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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:07 pm

Definitely agree with eselle about the timescale. A few days might be a bit soon, and it's important to realise that this will be something you're working on without her help. It also will help to re-establish the friendship if you're able to demonstrate that you ARE prepared to work on it without her, and that's not something that's going to happen overnight.

You've made a really good start calling the suicide prevention hotline though; remember they are there for follow-ups too even if you don't feel in immediate danger of hurting yourself.

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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by Enail on Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:20 pm

I'm going to third Eselle's advice to take it slowly with re-establishing emotional closeness with your friend. At the moment, it sounds like she's upset b/c you were trying to share your feelings at a level she wasn't comfortable with and that she felt like you were aware of the fact that she wasn't okay with it but continued anyway. So a really important thing for rebuilding the friendship will be showing her, over time, that you understand and respect it when she doesn't want to take that confidante role with you - that you'll respect her boundaries.

You might find that the fact that you're worried about losing her friendship means that you'll feel even more strongly that you want to talk about your feelings with her, to reassure yourself of that closeness. It's a totally understandable reaction, but in the long run, that's probably counterproductive, and showing her that you can be a friend on the level she's comfortable with right now is much more likely to allow her to feel like she can safely increase the intimacy of the friendship over time without taking on more of your emotions than she's okay with.

And don't forget, even if the friendship doesn't recover fully or is a different sort of friendship now, you have the ability to become close to people. It's never easy making close friends, but you have proof that it's possible.

Keep looking after yourself and keeping yourself safe.
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Re: Reaching out to a friend and getting hurt (vent/rant/advice?)

Post by P_johnston on Wed Oct 29, 2014 10:39 pm

Thanks for all the help guys. she actually contacted me and apologized for being so short with me. I'm doing a lot better for now. Thanks for the support.

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