help with my Okcupid profile

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Post by Bootlebat on Wed Oct 29, 2014 5:49 pm

Have used Okcupid for about a year but only about 1 in 20 people replys to responses and have only got 3 dates so far out of hundreds of messages. Can anyone help me http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Pnate?cf=search_overlay

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Post by celette482 on Wed Oct 29, 2014 5:53 pm

First thought, what are your professional goals/how do they line up with human rights? Are you focused on California or the US or the world???
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Post by nearly_takuan on Wed Oct 29, 2014 6:18 pm

My self-summary
You've written a sequence of statements about your positive qualities without really demonstrating any of them. "Other forms of exercise" sounds like a cop-out to make you sound well-rounded when you might not be, and can otherwise be read in all kinds of ways that aren't actually to your benefit.

If that exercise is important to you, describe what it is specifically and what you like about it. What kind of scenery do you like when you go walking? Do you do it for the exercise, for the experience, or both?

Does your strong sense of ethics mean that you view morality as a rigid set of rules, and believe that everyone should live by the same code? Or does it mean that you hold yourself to a certain standard? How might you demonstrate your personal sense of honor? "I'm the kind of person who would __."

In particular, if honesty and ethical behavior are both extremely important to your self-image, it might be worth elaborating on what might happen if those would seem to conflict. Not the trivial "does this look fat" kind of thing, but hypothetically, if you had to choose between seriously misrepresenting the truth and setting something in motion that might do very real harm to someone in some way (emotional/psychological harm counts), what would you do? (I bring this up because there are schools of thought where sincerity and honesty and genuine-ness are believed to always carry the fewest negative consequences in the long run, in addition to being the morally superior choice.)

On any and all of these traits: do you think your ideal partner would have to be the sort of person who loves and respects that part of you? If so, elaborate; if not, save it for when you talk about yourselves on a date.

What I'm doing with my life
Again, too vague and too cautious. If you don't have a plan for the future, fine; say so. If you have a set of specific ambitions that may be mutually exclusive, list them instead of saying you have "various aspirations" and alluding to a desire to be a Good Person.

I'm really good at
See a pattern yet? Again, what does "being honest" actually mean to you? Are you saying that the ability to speak your mind even when others might be too timid or consider it a social taboo comes easily to you? Is that something you are proud of and/or consider essential to your character? Do you draw any distinctions between "telling the truth", "being honest", and "being blunt"?

The six things I could never do without
You put four things here and none of them are interesting or presented in interesting ways. This is, admittedly, a really hard section to get "right" and I'm not even sure if my own silly little poem is doing its job properly. It's definitely getting wasted right now, though. Same goes for your typical Friday night and your private thing. Not exactly the kind of stuff most people would seize upon as talking points if they wanted to message you, and I get the impression from your final section that you really want them to message you.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Are these seriously things you ponder, or are you just trying to be cute? If the latter, keep the smiley.

ETA: I unfortunately don't have a lot of concrete suggestions for what you might put in your profile instead. Part of the whole problem is that I don't know you very well and there's nothing outstanding in your profile that would help me know you better.

ETA2: Um, get someone who's attracted to men to verify this, but I suspect either the picture of you in the "Orleans" T-shirt, or the one where you're wearing a blue polo shirt and your eyes are shaded so you aren't squinting so much, would make more flattering thumbnail/primary pictures than your current one.
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Post by Bootlebat on Wed Oct 29, 2014 6:43 pm

I actually do spend a lot of time thinking about those things (though the bit about people in parallel universe is supposed to be funny) as for the honesty thing well, I wouldn't tell an ugly person they're ugly just to be mean but if say a friend was about to make a really dumb mistake I would warn him (as I think that's what a good friend does rather than let the person go ahead with the mistake and probably get hurt)

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Post by nearly_takuan on Wed Oct 29, 2014 7:57 pm

Another thing that comes to mind is that you seem to mostly be unhappy with your ratio of replies to messages sent and number of dates that result from those conversations. Although I think your profile can stand to be significantly improved, and that will probably have at least some effect on the quality of the replies you get, I suspect winning your first reply from someone depends a lot more on what your first message says than what's in your profile.

As such, folks might be able to provide more immediately-useful help if you also show us what your messages tend to look like. A sample composition would work, but you could also try describing what prompts you to decide to send a message, what kinds of things you think about when you write a message after you've decided to send one, and so forth. I assume there is some thought going into these messages already because, damn, 1 in 20 is actually kind of impressive.
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Post by Bootlebat on Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:31 pm

Usually I say something like "Hi how are you? I like (something she also likes) also"

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Post by reboot on Wed Oct 29, 2014 10:34 pm

Bootlebat wrote:Usually I say something like "Hi how are you? I like (something she also likes) also"

One problem with this type of message is that there is no natural conversational hook for her to follow up on. Think of it as a face to face conversation. If someone walked up to you when they saw you reading something/doing something/at a party and said, "Hi how are you? I like X also." can you think of a response other than, "That's cool/nice/interesting." and then the conversation does dead fish flop on the floor.

A better approach is, "Hi, how are you? I also like X. When/how did you first get into it? Have you ever read/heard/seen [something related to X]?"

Now she had two questions to follow up on, hopefully with some questions of her own or good conversational leads.
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Post by nonA on Wed Oct 29, 2014 11:07 pm

Do you have any attractive female friends? Ask to see their inboxes. Take a look at how many follow the format of "Hi. You like X? That's cool. I like X too." Contrary to what you may hear, most messages are not gross. They're polite, grammatically sound, and about as exciting as watching paint dry.

While you're talking to them, ask for fashion pointers and try to get together for some new pics. Your main is decent. Your second is the exact same thing, which makes it pointless. The rest of them are awkward indoors selfies, which do not send a positive message.

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Post by UristMcBunny on Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:07 am

I always recommend sending a starting message that makes one or two statements and asks a question, in a way that opens up a specific conversation.  

"Hi, how're you?  I notice you like attending cheese festivals.  Did you visit the Folkestone festival of British cheeses in August?  It was fantastic - there was a whole stall dedicated to Cornish Yarg!"

"Hi!  I'm good - you?  Yes I did!  I spent so much time in the stilton tent that I never got to check out the yarg stall - was it any good?"

"So good!  They expanded their range beyond nettle and ramsons.  There was dandelion yarg, and a really bitter oakleaf yarg.  I always thought the stilton tent sounded a bit limited to me - there's so many other blues out there!  What was it like in there this year?"

and so on.

As to the profile - definitely change up the photos.  You've got half a dozen very similar pictures - all close-ups of your face, with varying degrees of quality in terms of lighting and blurriness.  You really want more zoomed-out photos, full-body shots, pictures of you doing something or being with people.  The squinting doesn't bother me - you're clearly outside on a sunny day - but it'd be nice to see more of both you and where you are.  I could understanding including both those photos if the second one was zoomed out more.

I also agree that your profile is a bit vague right now. You make a lot of statements that don't really tell me much about you - it's hard to picture what a typical day/week for you looks like, or to imagine what it would be like to go on a date with you... except that you'd be "quiet", which feels almost like you're warning me in advance that I'll need to do most of the work of making conversation happen on a date.

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Post by Guest on Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:28 am

Bunny, at some point I really need to go to a cheese festival with you! STILTON TENT WHY IS THIS NOT MY LIFE

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Post by azazel on Thu Oct 30, 2014 12:29 pm

Bootlebat wrote:Have used Okcupid for about a year but only about 1 in 20 people replys to responses and have only got 3 dates so far out of hundreds of messages. Can anyone help me http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Pnate?cf=search_overlay

Seeing as your message only takes 20 seconds to write, 1 in 20 people who reply aren't actually that bad.

You'll have 1 reply/400 seconds, so give or take 1 reply/six minutes. Hell, if you automate the process you'd be able to churn out messages even faster.

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Post by Randomly Rolled on Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:29 pm

Lots of good suggestions here. For the most part I thought your bio was good. I agree that it's good to be specific when you write about interests, hobbies, and life goals. I've found it hard to find the line between behind detailed and long winded. ermm..speaking of which. I would probably get rid of people noticing that you're cool. I'm sure you are, but it sounds a little too..forced, maybe? That you're trying to point that out to people, instead of letting them notice that for themselves. Even with the smiley. I'd mention your smile instead, actually. You obviously have a nice smile, and it's what I noticed first. And misleading people isn't a good thing. Being genuine is good advice. People spot inconsistencies quickly and walk away.

The quotes might not be a great idea either; I tend to think there are some things about oneself that you shouldn't elaborate on, if only to have something to talk about later. The quotes sound a little high-and-mighty to me, like you're judging people or distinctly ruling some out.(even if they are good quotes). Do you have any quotes that are more humorous or light-hearted? Maybe contrasting the two would be good. I actually noticed that I mention my like for quotes, and included none. Hrm.

The 6 things are difficult; mine suck. Avoiding the usual, or finding a way to make the usual ones more witty is probably a good thing. That isn't always easy. 1 in 20 returns is good; mine is about 1 for 10. Then again, that's from 10 messages sent...ever. It's difficult to come up with something that hooks people. What worked for me was using irony; 'Private message suck. They're rude and I hate em'. It was probably luck that she found it funny, but don't be afraid to try and find something outside the typical 'hi I'm X and I like X too'. They kind of remind me of the kid waiting in line with Ralphie for Santa Clause. . 'Hi, I like Mickey Mouse. Do you?'. No one really wants to listen, since it doesn't stand out. Try something you think might be witty, even if it falls flat. It's only the internet after all. Just don't be rude. Well, I hope I could help at least a little.

Also, you broke the deal with the ice cream thing, man! Smile

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Post by Bootlebat on Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:28 pm

Also maybe a weird question but sometimes I talk to people for a while and then they suddenly stop responding why? (I'm pretty sure it's not because I said something to offend them)

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:56 pm

Possible reasons may include being bored with / losing interest in the conversation you're having, not knowing what to say / having "writer's block" on the next reply, or meeting their quota of people to date for the next while. But it could also be something totally different from any of these; people are different and private and it's much harder to assess their motives than to simply predict their actions.

Basically, don't take it personally.
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Post by Bootlebat on Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:10 pm

Like heres one in particular. There was this girl i was talking to for a while and we seemed to like each other. When I asked to go out she said she didn't have a car and I said we could just meet somewhere near her place. She never responded and wont answer my messages now

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:20 pm

Okay, so, it's possible she was using not having a car (whether true or not) as an excuse to turn you down without having to feel guilty about hurting your feelings. (Deliberate phrasing.) There's a certain type of person who will try to claim that's definitely what happened. But the thing is it's all assumptions. The only person who could explain it to you doesn't want to and is not obligated to. Maybe you did something wrong, but maybe you did everything you could right and she just wasn't feeling it.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter. She's not going to reply and she's not going to go out with you, so just move on to the next batch. Sounds like you're mostly carpet-bombing anyway, so it seems silly to get attached to particular profiles before you've met their creators.
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Post by Bootlebat on Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:08 am

Don't think she made it up since it says on her profile she doesn't have one

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Post by nearly_takuan on Fri Oct 31, 2014 2:40 am

Yeah, but again, the truth's kind of irrelevant.

I don't have a driver's license, let alone a car. If I was getting messages from somebody I didn't really want to talk to, I might mention that as an excuse for why it would be "hard" to see them, even though I might be willing and eager to get on my bike and/or ride public transports for long hours and distances for someone else. Them offering to give me a ride or meet me somewhere closer might help if I still had a little bit of interest, but it wouldn't make me change my mind if I'd already decided I didn't really want to meet them after all. (And this could be cold feet about having to meet face-to-face with someone cool, too.) Claiming it's inconvenient because of distance / lack of transportation options is just easier than saying "actually I don't really feel like meeting you in person after all" because it feels more polite. (I think the relative politeness/kindness of such things is questionable, though.)

Of course, none of that matters now, because she stopped replying. And all that means is, she hasn't written a reply yet.

Just in case:

Be patient. Don't assume she's ignoring you just because she hasn't responded for ten whole minutes or whatever. I don't understand this mindset at all but I've read too many anecdotes about guys getting angry at people for "ignoring" them. Speaking of, never make accusations at people if you want to hear from them again. If you've already started some kind of conversation but then she doesn't reply for a couple days, it's probably fine to ping her again to see what's up, but there is a huge difference between "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a couple days. Are you okay?" and "STUPID #%$@ I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU/! FINE IGNORE ME THEN &*@#!" I want to assume you know this, but, again, the horror stories make it pretty clear that some folks don't.

...Anyway. Don't get stuck on certain people not replying to you. They have their own reasons and we'll never know what they are. I get that that can feel discouraging, but you are doing pretty well already. One in twenty is twice as good as I've done, and probably better since I'm including people who wrote back to talk about asexuality and nothing else in my count.
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Post by Guest on Fri Oct 31, 2014 5:41 am

Mon ami, I think she is just not that into you. I have dropped off the face of the earth after exchanging messages with someone because I wasn't feeling it. I have had absolutely tonnes of people do it to me. A shrug of the shoulders and move on, is my advice. Definitely do not keep pestering her with messages - no response IS a response.

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Post by Bootlebat on Sat Nov 01, 2014 9:17 pm

I put up some new pics

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Post by readertorider on Sat Nov 01, 2014 10:34 pm

Personally I like either the other picture with you in the same shirt as your current profile pic or the ones with you in the red shirts best--your current profile one looks slightly overexposed and almost as if you have a bloody nose (at least to me). Do really like the picture of you with your cat, (s)he's so very orange and fluffy! Exactly how I pictured Crookshanks Wink

If you want to make changes to the content section, I also agree that your listing of what you are "I am caring..." etc. would be more potent if you said more about what you do, but that's definitely harder to write. A quick (maybe nitpicky) change would be to fix your "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section--you're using 'their' instead of 'there', are missing a comma, and have some really inconsistent capitalization.

Personally, your "it's important to believe what the evidence/logic says even if you don't like the conclusion" would make me wary of contacting you--but that could just mean that we wouldn't be a good match and the system is working. Anyway, good luck with your dating and messaging!
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Post by Bootlebat on Sun Nov 02, 2014 12:14 am

Also something I must confess is: I have not ever had a girlfriend before but I have gone on dates. However part of me is afraid there is something wrong with me that will keep me from ever having a girlfriend Crying

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Post by kath on Mon Nov 03, 2014 3:01 pm

Do you want to talk about why you feel that way in more detail?
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Post by Bootlebat on Mon Nov 03, 2014 3:26 pm

Just afraid I am too messed up some how

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Post by Bootlebat on Tue Nov 04, 2014 7:52 pm

Like I didn't even start dating till I was 29

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