Most stupid problem ever

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Most stupid problem ever

Post by Tech on Tue Nov 04, 2014 11:14 pm

Hi, I'm new. Well, that's not quite true, actually I've been reading the main site and lurking in the forums (old and new) for more than a year now, though up to now I never really had the desire to post something in here. First off, I'd like to complement all of you on this community you got going here, you all seem to be very intelligent and open minded people. So I hope you're not going to be too harsh because of what I'm going to rant about. Nah, it's okay if you're harsh, cause this is really weird and this account will probably end up as a throwaway anyway.

For the start, a few infos about myself. I'm a 23 year old student living in a European city (no specifics, Europe is all the same anyway), kind of antisocial, still living at home with my mom, and to top all of that a kissless, dateless virgin. I'm pretty sure, however, this is not going to change within this life so I'm not going ask for advice about this situation.

The embarrasing thing that actually troubles me is the sound of my female neighbour getting it on VERY loudly and vocally (no not my mom the sound is from another flat Wink ). Ok, I know most normal people would just go about their business as usual, maybe just turn on some music or whatever, but as you might have guessed from my intro I'm not normal. Well, I react quite uncontrollably to her screwing noise, with vicious rage attacks, shaking and nausea and general behaviour of a batshit crazy person. Yeah I'm not kidding, it's that bad, if you saw me you'd probably insta-diagnose me with some mental illness. It's going so far that every suspicious sound makes my heart race to the point I'm thinking I'm about to have a heart attack. It kind of makes living at home an extremely stressful experience. You know, hearing her confronts me every time, more or less unexpectedly, with some deep sitting, fucked up issues I struggle with.

First, obviously, she's enjoying something I'll never experience and unfortunately I'm not the kind of person that feels unhappy and yet doesn't begrudge others who have more than them, which is about every person with a social life. Believe me I wish I were one of those unhappy people, who nevertheless are warm and generous, but nope, I'm jealous and envious. And it's not just the physical sex part, to me sex kind of represents everything I'm not going to get out of life: intimate relationships with other people, love, having a family of my own, a certain level of social competence, which is a topic that completely eludes me and yeah also the sex part.
Second, and this is even weirder (I warned you), I have some very strange hangups about female sexuality, mostly revolving about female pleasure, though I don't know if it's appropriate to go into greater detail about that here, this being a feminist space after all.

So, yeah, those are all things I'd rather not be confronted with on a regular basis in my own home. Unfortunately when I made myself noticeable to signify my annoyance, she flat out ignored me and went on. I guess she must be reading some sex positive blogs telling her it's her godgiven right to fuck as loudly as she wants whenever she wants, but I digress. So it looks like she's not gonna quiet down anytime soon, which means I'll have to go through this over and over again until I move out of home which is not going to be in the near future. Headphones are only a partial solution cause I'd have to turn them on really loud and they wouldn't help against the initial "shock" when they start that inevitably triggers all these thoughts.

Thinking about all of this I guess the only long term solution would be to somehow solve all of my issues and become a happy person so I don't get this upset anymore by these kind of things, though as stated above I've pretty much decided that's a hopeless cause. I don't even have the energy to initiate any form of change in my life, let alone fight a year long uphill battle to get out of that hole I'm currently in with additional challenges just waiting on the horizon. I think it is quite likely that I'm going to end it all within the next few years.

Anyway, as there are not really any short term measures I can take against that neighbour thing I get so upset about, I'm actually not really sure why I ended up writing this. Soooo . . . maybe just treat this as a rant by an insane person? Feel free to roll eyes and ignore.


P.S.: If you're wondering why I only refer to my her-neighbour, it's only her I can hear.

P.P.S.: Yeah I know, I'm insane.

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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by eselle28 on Tue Nov 04, 2014 11:35 pm

That's not a stupid problem. People who are themselves sexually active aren't all that wild about hearing their neighbors have sex, either. When you say you "made yourself noticeable" I'm guessing that meant something like tapping on the wall? That doesn't always get through to people. She might not have even noticed that, or she might have figured you were just going about your business and not cared about the noise. Sometimes noisy neighbors don't particularly mind others' noise.

I think the next step here is to knock on her door and politely refer to there being some noise after whatever hour it tends to occur after and ask if they could keep it down a bit. Most leases have quiet hours, and while you can't ask that your neighbors be celibate, you can absolutely ask that they keep to those quiet hours.
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Enail on Tue Nov 04, 2014 11:41 pm

As well as Eselle's pragmatic solution, have you considered seeing a therapist? That's usually a good bet when you're having a really intense reaction that makes you uncomfortable, and especially one that ties in to a lot of things you're unhappy about. You don't have to solve all your issues and become a totally happy person to have a chance of dealing with something specific that's really upsetting you.
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Werel on Tue Nov 04, 2014 11:59 pm

Hiya Tech, welcome!  Grin

Tech wrote:
Second, and this is even weirder (I warned you), I have some very strange hangups about female sexuality, mostly revolving about female pleasure, though I don't know if it's appropriate to go into greater detail about that here, this being a feminist space after all.

Everybody's got some Weird Stuff, and we want to be a welcoming place to post about your own Weird Stuff if you feel like it-- if you're worried about offending folks or crossing lines, you can always check the forum guidelines or PM a mod with specific questions. I think this bit is probably most relevant to your concerns:

DA RULES wrote: If you are not willing to approach discussions from the assumption that sexism and privilege are things that exist, or if you wish to see the existing Men’s Rights Movement being treated as equivalent to feminism, this is probably not the site for you. Individual members do not, of course, have to share these beliefs or claim to do so, but everyone does have to accept that they do not need to be justified on this site; they are basic premises. Good-faith, specific, relevant questions or challenges are okay, but this site is not the battleground for whether sexism exists or whether feminism as a whole is a good or bad thing.

Basically, within those boundaries, anything you want to earnestly work on or discuss should be a-okay!

Tech wrote:So, yeah, those are all things I'd rather not be confronted with on a regular basis in my own home. Unfortunately when I made myself noticeable to signify my annoyance, she flat out ignored me and went on.


Hm, what do you mean "made yourself noticeable"? Did you actually go tell her "hey don't fuck so loud, it's bothering me", or...?  Shocked

So it looks like she's not gonna quiet down anytime soon, which means I'll have to go through this over and over again until I move out of home which is not going to be in the near future. Headphones are only a partial solution cause I'd have to turn them on really loud and they wouldn't help against the initial "shock" when they start that inevitably triggers all these thoughts.

First thought: leaving passive-aggressive notes might feel really good and make internet strangers laugh, though it's probably not a good solution.

Since it sounds like your real problem is having to even think about someone having sex, and the repercussions for having to think about it sound so severe, can I ask if you've ever talked to anybody remotely mental-health-care-y about this? I'm not saying this because you're "insane" ( innocent ), but because rage attacks and nausea are pretty damn strong reactions, and they're not fun. It might be a lot easier for you to start by working on ways to manage those reactions in the moment, so that you can just grit your teeth through the actual loud sex-- and then, when you're not having a rage attack, start working through the other big-picture problems you're talking about?


Last edited by Werel on Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:58 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by reboot on Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:15 am

Aside from all the good advice above and (if you choose the therapy route) because managing these types of reactions takes time, I recommend a "pink noise" generator and noise canceling headphones and possibly look into soundproofing your shared wall. A bit of treating the symptoms, not the cause, but it will be easier to work through the root of the problem if you are not getting triggered all the time.
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Tech on Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:32 am

Hey, thanks for all the sympathetic answers, I was almost too scared and embarrassed to post this, thanks for being so helpful and open minded.

eselle28 wrote:That's not a stupid problem. People who are themselves sexually active aren't all that wild about hearing their neighbors have sex, either. When you say you "made yourself noticeable" I'm guessing that meant something like tapping on the wall? That doesn't always get through to people. She might not have even noticed that, or she might have figured you were just going about your business and not cared about the noise. Sometimes noisy neighbors don't particularly mind others' noise.

I think the next step here is to knock on her door and politely refer to there being some noise after whatever hour it tends to occur after and ask if they could keep it down a bit. Most leases have quiet hours, and while you can't ask that your neighbors be celibate, you can absolutely ask that they keep to those quiet hours.

Made myself noticeable like jumping up and down on their ceiling/my floor like a maniac, so I think it's pretty unlikely they didn't take notice. Yeah, I might go down knock on their door next time when it occurs past a certain hour, though I somehow think they'll not even open up. Also I'm a big wuss and direct confrontation makes me kind of uneasy  innocent

Werel wrote:

First thought: leaving passive-aggressive notes might feel really good and make internet strangers laugh, though it's probably not a good solution.

Since it sounds like your real problem is having to even think about someone having sex, and the repercussions for having to think about it sound so severe, can I ask if you've ever talked to anybody remotely mental-health-care-y about this? I'm not saying this because you're "insane" ( innocent ), but because rage attacks and nausea are pretty damn strong reactions, and they're not fun. It might be a lot easier for you to start by working on ways to manage those reactions in the moment, so that you can just grit your teeth through the actual loud sex-- and then, when you're not having a rage attack, start working through the other big-picture problems you're talking about?

The funniest of those notes don't really seem like they would contribute to a de-escalation  :twisted: . But maybe I'll manage to write something semi-respectful.

I've been considering therapy ever since I started feeling this unhappy in high school, though I never went for various reasons, one of them being I simply can't even imagine feeling different than this no matter what. I'm just 100% convinced this is the final state of things for me and, yeah, I'm aware that's probably kind of irrational. And going to therapy simply to talk about how I can't stand hearing my neighbours  Heart seems really ridiculous, it's been hard enough to even post here in anonimity. I don't know, the past months felt like I'm getting closer to the final chapter and somehow I think this isn't going to end well.

To end on a more positive note, thanks for all the advice! Grin

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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:38 am

I don't know if this helps, Tech, but as someone who has suffered from depression and spoken to a lot of others about it, the feeling that things could not ever possibly feel better is actually one of the symptoms. If you can, try to re-frame this feeling as more evidence that you can and should seek help if it's available to you.

A therapist is not going to think your problem is ridiculous, as even you acknowledge that it's more a trigger for a more serious problem than just one relatively trivial issue about an annoying neighbour.

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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by reboot on Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:46 am

A situation like this is one where therapy tends to be more effective than many others because there is one specific trigger. I have similar reactions to specific noises, smells, etc. stemming from my work and therapy can teach you to catch and minimize the intensity of your responses and in some cases eliminate them. It is how I have learned to handle fireworks, the smell of roasted meat and certain traffic configurations without panicking, throwing up, or flashing back.

On the communicating with your neighbor topic, jumping up and down or banging the floor is not a good way to get the idea across because upstairs neighbors sometimes make noises when they do things and they most likely did not connect your noise to their actions. A quick note or a brief, "Hey, on night X you guys were really loud. Could you try to keep the noise down in the future?" is really the only way to get your point across.
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Mel on Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:09 am

I second (third/fourth/etc.) the advice given re: communicating the issue with your neighbor, therapy, and so on.

As an immediate, if potentially temporary, solution--presumably your neighbor is usually making this noise in the same room--her bedroom must be right under yours? You say you live with your mom. Is it possible for you to ask your mom to switch bedrooms with you either temporarily or permanently? I don't imagine she'd enjoy the disturbance either, but since you are so particularly intensely affected, maybe she'd be open to giving you a break from that at least until you could seek out therapy or similar to help make your response more manageable? (Or until the neighbor responds to a request to keep the noise down by actually doing so, if that works.)
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Nerdator on Wed Nov 05, 2014 5:25 pm

Hey, this might be a good excuse to start a little guerilla war, mightn't it?

Put a speaker front-down on the floor (or wherever the harpy is), and play something romantic and loud, like an old-timey siren, or the recording of someone whispering about human torture. Cheer her up after she has a date with her Magic Wand! (we don't know what's actually going on there, do we?) You could even insulate the sides of the speaker facing your room – for a better experience.

Do you have a pet? Well then, you actually have a nearly limitless shit-factory. Do I need to suggest any spots to deposit the turds?

But again, resort to these things after you tell your neighbour that she fucks too loudly, and then she doesn't stop. Otherwise, how is she gonna learn anything when you retaliate?
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Tech on Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:25 pm

embertine wrote:I don't know if this helps, Tech, but as someone who has suffered from depression and spoken to a lot of others about it, the feeling that things could not ever possibly feel better is actually one of the symptoms.  If you can, try to re-frame this feeling as more evidence that you can and should seek help if it's available to you.

A therapist is not going to think your problem is ridiculous, as even you acknowledge that it's more a trigger for a more serious problem than just one relatively trivial issue about an annoying neighbour.

I'll give it some thought and look for some info on specific treatment options in my city. I don't know if I could get myself to do the final step and make an appointment though, for some reason I'm really super reluctant when it comes to therapy.

Mel wrote:I second (third/fourth/etc.) the advice given re: communicating the issue with your neighbor, therapy, and so on.

As an immediate, if potentially temporary, solution--presumably your neighbor is usually making this noise in the same room--her bedroom must be right under yours? You say you live with your mom. Is it possible for you to ask your mom to switch bedrooms with you either temporarily or permanently?  I don't imagine she'd enjoy the disturbance either, but since you are so particularly intensely affected, maybe she'd be open to giving you a break from that at least until you could seek out therapy or similar to help make your response more manageable?  (Or until the neighbor responds to a request to keep the noise down by actually doing so, if that works.)

It's just as audible in her room unfortunately  Sad .

Nerdator wrote:Hey, this might be a good excuse to start a little guerilla war, mightn't it?

Put a speaker front-down on the floor (or wherever the harpy is), and play something romantic and loud, like an old-timey siren, or the recording of someone whispering about human torture. Cheer her up after she has a date with her Magic Wand! (we don't know what's actually going on there, do we?) You could even insulate the sides of the speaker facing your room – for a better experience.

Do you have a pet? Well then, you actually have a nearly limitless shit-factory. Do I need to suggest any spots to deposit the turds?

But again, resort to these things after you tell your neighbour that she fucks too loudly, and then she doesn't stop. Otherwise, how is she gonna learn anything when you retaliate?

Laughing  If I lived alone I might resort to such measures. However, I wouldn't want my mom to inherit my war once I move out, so I'll refrain from initiating a full blown neighbour conflict.

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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by Werel on Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:48 pm

embertine wrote:I don't know if this helps, Tech, but as someone who has suffered from depression and spoken to a lot of others about it, the feeling that things could not ever possibly feel better is actually one of the symptoms.  If you can, try to re-frame this feeling as more evidence that you can and should seek help if it's available to you.

Really seconding this. If we could envision depression as a parasitic life-form for a moment: it has a drive to self-propagate, it wants to continue existing in your brain, it doesn't want to be eliminated, and its best bet for its own survival is to convince you not to attempt to kill it. "You can't get better, dummy, there is no better! Medication won't work! Therapy won't work! Life changes won't work! So DON'T EVEN TRY IT, buster." It can be very convincing. But it's lying. You CAN kill, or at least severely maim, that little motherfucker that's eating up all your mental real estate and making you feel this hopeless.

Anyway, I understand being super reluctant regarding therapy-- I do all kinds of groaning and dreading whenever I move and have to find a new therapist. It's tough and scary. But when you find the right person to work with, the benefits are really significant; if you have any questions about the whole therapy-medication deal, there are a lot of folks here who can speak from personal experience.
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Re: Most stupid problem ever

Post by The Wisp on Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:35 pm

I will nth the recommendation to get therapy. You clearly are strongly triggered easily around these issues, and you seem to be depressed, at least around this issue. As somebody who has fairly strong triggers around things that I "shouldn't" around gender issues and sex and women, I sympathize.

As for the neighbor, as others have said, just politely let them know that they were being loud, preferably in person and not when they're actually having sex.
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