Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:14 am

So anyway, I read this today: Cracked article

And it sucker punched me in the gut because I recognized myself in the Hedgehog's Dilemma (just read it). My complete inability to create and maintain intimate relationships, my absolute refusal to help myself, all of it. The depressive funk that I fell into earlier this year resulted in me damn near failing out of college, and the one I'm still kind of in now has resulted in me nearly failing out of film school.

I have this mental barrier in me that prevents me from asking for help from anyone or expressing myself. Actually, that's my main criticism in film school: none of my work is distinctive. At all. It's all very boring and somewhat meta and I can't quite break that mental barrier to express myself properly, thus all my work is incredibly boring and dull and ordinary.

I still don't know who to talk to. I can't inconvenience my friends (awkward attempts to ask have resulted in them asking to help and me immediately downplaying everything), my family will panic and put me away in a mental hospital (and all the research I've done suggests that the majority of them are identical to the one in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and that a large percentage of people are physically and sexually abused), therapy does not work on me and is too expensive (no, seriously, if you're not upper class, you're simply not gonna get any good help)...

So I'm not really left with anyone to talk to about my issues because I can't bother anyone, because I can't risk having people tell me to piss off. I only say what I say in the forum because I don't know any of you and I temporarily forget my manners. I've resumed my old position of being "That Kid Who Constantly Complains About Everything."

So I'm left at a point where I'm not sure how to do because of the massive stigma against mentally unstable people (and I'm definitely one of those if my previous forum posts are any indication). I'm not capable of maintaining even the most basic relationship. I have hit rock bottom. Traditionally one would go up, but I'm not quite sure how without a shovel...

I don't know. Being helpless really sucks. Knowing that the rest of your life will be like this sucks. I'm way too proud and too poor to get help.

That's why I really hate it when people start assuming it's so easy to get help. It's really not. The system is designed to fuck me over. Although I'm sure you'll all disagree with this, because apparently I'm capable of being the president or something.

I know that when I post this, the usual bleating of "get therapy, everyone has money!" will be the response. It'll be an inconvenience on the forum ("no you're not!" they say politely), the mods will possibly freak out again and ban me. I don't know what else to do but wallow in my own self-pity and wait out that roller coaster called life.

And of course, they will try to say something nice out of obligation and then they'll get pissed when I call them out for it. They'll get mad because someone is refusing their compliments. They only want to help, but some people can't be helped and accepting this would be a personal failure rather than the inevitability of life.

And despite all this, the forum is the only place where Glides can be the real ugly person on the inside and not the fake overconfident one he presents to the outside world, which hurts even more because the persona would be so cool, if only Glides was really like that and not perpetually acting.

And so Glides must spend every waking moment lying to himself and others, pretending that he's worth something, knowing that if he slips for a second, people will see the ugly nastiness inside and abandon him immediately.

It's fun to write in third person, OK? If I'm gonna snap and rant and bitch about a ton of things that are only terrible because of my own instability, I better make you all laugh.

Not that you guys would believe me, because even the ugly nasty part of me is pretty charismatic when I can think out what I'm going to say. It's when I snap that I say the really nasty shit, and that's the real me.

Frankly, Glides wishes he was like someone else. He'd rather have their problems.

And once again, the mods will sigh sadly to themselves and wonder what the fuck would make Glides so fucking sad. Despite all the reasons why. "It's just a tough time, push through it! You can do it!" All while not being him.

Not that I can't really blame any of you, I pretend that life is great all the time too.

I'm still waiting patiently for the ban. Cunt cunt cunt.

"I don't get why he's so resistant, therapy could cure cancer if Obama would let it happen."

You guys and therapy. How many of you have even been to therapy? Most of you, probably.

I got homework I need to finish and I'm typing here instead.

Who the fuck else could I say this kind of shit to, you people don't even know me or where I live. If you passed by me on the street, you wouldn't even know!

You think I can make a Facebook post with this kind of crap? I'll get laughed off the internet, I'll lose all my friends at once.

"God, he's really fucked up, go away."

You think I'm kidding.

Or worse, they'll all feel obligated to help like you people do, and offer me support and all those things that will do me no good. And I will be treated delicately from then on, not like a person but a doll.

God, I wish therapy would work. I really really do. But this Mood Gym thing I've been trying is completely useless. It literally jumps to "say something nice about yourself."

The entire fucking point is that there's nothing appealing about me.

I might be a bit drunk admittedly, which is a new record at three times this week. Shit, it's been three days.

Once I run out of vodka, this will no longer be an issue.

You'd know if I was really fucked up, I'd stop typing properly.

I should do this more often. I should get a job high paying enough to afford an actual addiction.

When I'm drunk, the jerkbrain goes away. It's why I drink.

I adore alcohol.

I'm gonna regret this later. I regret a lot of things. Better drink than drugs, though.

It sucks that people have only ever liked the image of me I've created for myself. Not a single human being has ever liked the nasty disgusting real thing within.

That's completely true. The real me would sicken them.

No seriously.

I'm going to fail all of my exams tomorrow, it's official.

Vodka was a bad choice the night before a major exam.

Fuck it, if I'm getting banned and kicked out of school, better go out in style.

I really need to stop posting on this forum and pissing the mods off. I have my ways of knowing that you guys aren't fond of me anymore since I complain about my life so often and talk about killing myself too much. I can't really blame you guys.

I am sorry for freaking you guys out so much though. I don't mean to do that. I know I'm a liability or something. At least I won't sue. Wink

I just get a little peeved because it's so easy for everyone else (it seems).

I've realized that I'm deeply apathetic.

Partially explains why I deserve all of this. I just don't care about most people, even when I should. When people open up, I just ignore them.

I think I transfer all of my flaws onto other people to compensate for having so many flaws.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by eselle28 on Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:25 am

Hey, Glides. I don't know that I have much to offer in the way of advice, but I want to make it really clear that none of the mods are mad at you. We're worried about you, like I suspect a lot of other community members are, but we're not even a little mad. No one's talking of banning you.

I'm sorry you're having a rough night.
avatar
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1980
Reputation : 982
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by reboot on Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:33 am

Cosigned. You worry us, but that is it, which is why you have been getting the modly attention. Banning has not been discussed.
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by The Wisp on Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:42 am

Hey Glides, I just want to say that I hear you and I hope you feel better soon.
 
Glides wrote: Actually, that's my main criticism in film school: none of my work is distinctive. At all. It's all very boring and somewhat meta and I can't quite break that mental barrier to express myself properly, thus all my work is incredibly boring and dull and ordinary. 

As far as coming up with film ideas, perhaps take some of these feelings and express them in a film or in a character. Vulnerability leads to good art. You don't even have to tell anybody that it's based on your real life. Make use of these intense feelings.
avatar
The Wisp

Posts : 896
Reputation : 198
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by nearly_takuan on Wed Nov 19, 2014 3:18 am

I didn't like MoodGym either. I don't know anything about therapy. I also haven't seen therapy discussed much here, though what's said in PMs is between you and whoever is in the PM.

I still think you seem like a pretty smart guy overall, but I don't think you have the deductive reasoning or psychic power necessary to divine whether anyone here is fond of you or not. Honestly, I think you've guessed wrong there.

If getting drunk on vodka three times in a week is a record, you're doing decently well on that front; my roommate gets drunk almost nightly, and I'd join him if I hadn't already raised my tolerance such that I get severe aches and nausea before I can even feel "buzzed".

I don't think I'd campaign or even vote for you if you ran for President. City Council, maybe. Depends on what other candidates we have; nepotism only goes so far. Wink But if you made a commercial movie or TV show, I'd watch that and probably make everyone else I know see it too, and I'd expect to like at least some parts of it. And I'd make an account on Rotten Tomatoes so I could post a review, and an account on Reddit so I could promote it.

Maybe I just selected for them without meaning to, but almost every single one of my friends has some kind of mood swings. "Mentally stable" is relative.
avatar
nearly_takuan

Posts : 1052
Reputation : 428
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by InkAndComb on Wed Nov 19, 2014 6:25 am

Ok so, I have read your other posts and I just want to say: your honesty? Is really... powerful. Raw but visceral? . I know youve said this is the only place you could be like that, but... Yeah. Person to person, that'd be appealing to me. Like I'd get in my cups to have gallows conversations with you. I know it isn't all laughs; that's ok. Maybe because I feel very similar. Like there are two people that are me, but the realist part is the ugliest that if anyone saw they'd spit in my face? Sorry if I'm projecting here. But the ugliest side of people can be the most relateable; I'm glad you can get that out via text.
If that rawness in your post was turned into media, I would consume that so fast. I don't know what's blocking the flow from here to your filming, but that potential is there. Not meaning to be cheesy. You are going through some concerning stuff, but I don't want to inundate you with suggestions you've already received. If therapy is not your bag, maybe company that has dark humor would do you good. Just to ride it out with someone else who knows the taste of bitter stuff.

Also, my two cents on hospitalization: it is really hard to get an adult into the ward. Unless you have actually physically harmed yourself, you usually need a minimum of 3 adults to commit you (this may vary state to state, but I'm not sure). This weighs on me alot, so I hope this can lighten that fear at least.
avatar
InkAndComb

Posts : 145
Reputation : 38
Join date : 2014-11-11

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by Enail on Wed Nov 19, 2014 3:35 pm

Echoing the others in saying we're not mad at you, we're not on the verge of banning you, as far as I know none of us are wishing we were on the verge of banning you. I don't think you've made anyone dislike you; you certainly haven't made me dislike you, at least. We're worried about you, that's all. And that's not something you need to feel bad for, either.

I also want to say a little more (because when do I ever not want to say more? Razz). I think most people here understand that it's really, really hard. We get that sometimes you try every possible option and still can't get help, and that therapy doesn't always help and even if it's helpful it's not a magic cure. You don't need to feel like we blame you or are annoyed with you or think less of you for not getting yourself into magical therapy and having all your problems magically fixed, okay?

When I say I hope things get better soon, it's because I know you go through better periods and worse ones, and I know when things are bad it's hard to remember that that's not all there is, and I'm wishing for more good times than bad ones for you. When I say "tough it out, you can do it," it's because I think there are lots of options that can make things better for you, even if you can't access them right now, and I think if you can keep yourself alive and keep trying and plan carefully, things will change enough that you can find a path to feeling better.  I wish there was more we could do to help, but we are strangers scattered across the internet, so all we can do is try to think up ideas that might be useful or ways you could try to get actual help, and to let you know that we're rooting for you. I know that doesn't fix anything, and I'm not mad at you for the fact that our good wishes can't fix things, but it's all I can do from over here, so I'll keep doing it. Smile

A few pragmatic thoughts:

1. From my (quite limited, take with a grain of salt) understanding, Mood Gym is intended to be a way to train your brain to feel better and handle emotions in healthier ways. You're trying to create new pathways in your brain to go down instead of the pathways depression has carved. So if it tells you to think good things about yourself, I believe the reason for that is not "tell yourself you're wonderful, so you'll feel like you're wonderful," but more like "practice what it's like to think positive things about yourself, so that your brain can learn how to go down that sort of path instead of automatically going down the paths it's used to that tell you to feel bad."  If that makes any sense? I don't know if it's something that can be helpful to you or not, but if it's going to be of any use, I think it will be in practicing different ways of thinking, not in convincing yourself you're wonderful.

2. One reason I think it would be worth going to the free counsellor at your school even though you think they're overworked and undertrained and generally not sufficient to be useful, is that it's a low-risk place to practice expressing yourself and asking for help.

Good luck on the exam!
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3221
Reputation : 1519
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by Werel on Wed Nov 19, 2014 3:45 pm

That's the first Cracked article I've ever found myself nodding along to.

You may see yourself in the Hedgehog's Dilemma, but "Happiness is for Stupid People" and "Optimism Means Being Delusional" just screams Glides. Seriously, that's a great writeup of the way you transform "I don't think you suck shit" -> "You all tell me I'm the living Messiah!!" and/or "Life changes, occasionally for the better, as time passes" -> "You all tell me I'm going to be the first Oscar-winning president who shits gilded truffles." It's way easier to hear moderate expressions of encouragement as ludicrous, hollow, sunshine-blowing bullshit, right? Because then you're not obligated to listen to, or really consider, any of it.

As hedgehoggy as you attempt to be when trying to prove how awful you are, I think takuan's right that you're doing a fairly bad job at gauging whether or how much people here like you, and deciding how stupid we are for thinking you don't 100% suck shit. Razz
avatar
Werel
Moderator of "Meeting People and Dating Advice"

Posts : 1758
Reputation : 949
Join date : 2014-09-25

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:14 pm

Approaching this issue somewhat rationally, I know that literally every aspect of my life is insufficient for being a proper human being. I have no idea where to start, what to fix first, when I have to fix everything. After two years, I've made no progress whatsoever, and I'd prefer not to go three still being like this.

What the fuck do I do first?

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by The Wisp on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:42 pm

Glides wrote:Approaching this issue somewhat rationally, I know that literally every aspect of my life is insufficient for being a proper human being. I have no idea where to start, what to fix first, when I have to fix everything. After two years, I've made no progress whatsoever, and I'd prefer not to go three still being like this.

What the fuck do I do first?

Could you be more specific on what you want to work on? It's not helpful for us or for you for you to just say that you're insufficient in all areas. Once you've listed it out, pick one small thing in one small area to work on and do that. Then do another. The momentum will build up.

I know everybody here harps on this, but I think one of the things you could do is just consult with a therapist. No commitments to see them again. Just see if you can find an in-person therapist you click with. But, if you don't want to do that, there are other things you could do.
avatar
The Wisp

Posts : 896
Reputation : 198
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:58 pm

The Wisp wrote:
Glides wrote:Approaching this issue somewhat rationally, I know that literally every aspect of my life is insufficient for being a proper human being. I have no idea where to start, what to fix first, when I have to fix everything. After two years, I've made no progress whatsoever, and I'd prefer not to go three still being like this.

What the fuck do I do first?

Could you be more specific on what you want to work on? It's not helpful for us or for you for you to just say that you're insufficient in all areas. Once you've listed it out, pick one small thing in one small area to work on and do that. Then do another. The momentum will build up.

I know everybody here harps on this, but I think one of the things you could do is just consult with a therapist. No commitments to see them again. Just see if you can find an in-person therapist you click with. But, if you don't want to do that, there are other things you could do.

First and foremost, I would very much like to have a single day in which I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see beyond anything else that currently exists. So let's say self-esteem. It's the same kind of disgust as if I saw Adolf Hitler in the mirror.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by The Wisp on Sun Nov 23, 2014 6:06 pm

Glides wrote:
The Wisp wrote:
Glides wrote:Approaching this issue somewhat rationally, I know that literally every aspect of my life is insufficient for being a proper human being. I have no idea where to start, what to fix first, when I have to fix everything. After two years, I've made no progress whatsoever, and I'd prefer not to go three still being like this.

What the fuck do I do first?

Could you be more specific on what you want to work on? It's not helpful for us or for you for you to just say that you're insufficient in all areas. Once you've listed it out, pick one small thing in one small area to work on and do that. Then do another. The momentum will build up.

I know everybody here harps on this, but I think one of the things you could do is just consult with a therapist. No commitments to see them again. Just see if you can find an in-person therapist you click with. But, if you don't want to do that, there are other things you could do.

First and foremost, I would very much like to have a single day in which I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see beyond anything else that currently exists. So let's say self-esteem. It's the same kind of disgust as if I saw Adolf Hitler in the mirror.

Okay, so maybe look in the mirror in the morning and try to compliment yourself. A real one, not a backhanded one. Yes, it will feel weird and fake. But, if you do it consistently, it will start to stop feeling forced and faked. Or even less than that, just try looking in the mirror until that visceral disgust wears off. It may take a while at first, but over time it will take less and less time until you don't feel it anymore.
avatar
The Wisp

Posts : 896
Reputation : 198
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by Lemminkainen on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:42 am

A possible start: thinking about the ethical Glides. How would you ideally treat the people who you interact with? I think that trying to be good to others might be a good place to start learning not to hate yourself. You're certainly not Hitler now, but if you are good to the people around you, you'll have something very firm to tell your jerkbrain when it tells you that you are.

Lemminkainen

Posts : 143
Reputation : 58
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by kath on Mon Nov 24, 2014 6:27 am

Another possible start:

When you've made an internal assumption about how other people feel about you, and you find yourself writing it in a post, don't (or go back and delete it). If you want, you can rephrase it as "I'm scared that other people think ... " or "I think that other people feel ...". I think the practice rephrasing negative thoughts you think other people have about you as your thoughts rather than reality will help with practicing thinking good things about yourself, because you'll have to stop before explicitly reinforcing something that's an assumption. And, since you can't know what other's think, this is keeping you objectively correct too!
avatar
kath

Posts : 352
Reputation : 159
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by celette482 on Mon Nov 24, 2014 10:28 am

I second Lemminkainen on this one! Do you knock little old ladies over in the street? Do you cut people in line? But I'd go a step further. Actively try to help people for a day. Maybe that means spend a morning in a soup kitchen, maybe it means take a roll of quarters and become the Parking Meter Avenger. Maybe it means holding doors open or shoveling walks.

What I do know about content people (happiness is a fleeting sensation anyway, what you want is contentment) is that we don't live in our own heads. Everyone has self-doubt and that nasty voice and we all remember all the ways that we screwed up recently and how many times people have screwed us over for no good reason. The thing that content people do is focus outward. Not... "I need other people's approval to make me worthwhile" but "My thoughts are not helpful right now, so what can I do to not think?" Not "No one likes me" but "Who do I like?" Not "No one is my friend" but "Who can I friend today?" Not "I'm useless and worthless" but "What can I do today that is worthwhile?"

It's a habit, it's all a habit. You have a habit of negative thoughts, you want a habit of good thoughts. It'll take effort to both break the old and make the new.

A fourth? possible solution is to develop a positive activity to do instead of thinking negative thoughts. In other words, replace one habit with another (the way that ex-smokers might have fidget toys for talking on the phone to replace having a cigarette.) For me, I grab a spray bottle and go to town on some countertops. Something mindless and physical, something that is a positive, something that gives me a sense of accomplishment. When things are really bad, I keep going, vacuuming/mopping/scrubbing toilets. I might mutter invectives while scrubbing soap scum. At the end of the anger sesh, I'm too tired to think much at all and I have a clean house.

EDIT: because I just thought of this as I was hitting send, it is a habit. Right now what's going on is that your brain is shooting off some neurochemicals that are making you feel bad. Sometimes in response to outside sources (a bad review in class, for example) sometimes because fuck you that's why (brains are dicks). This is the stimulus. With meds and therapy, you can *reduce* that stimulus, but it will never go away entirely. Even "neurologically healthy" people get those downer moments. The stimulus is around. The spiraling bad thoughts though, those are your conscious response to the stimulus. You don't have to respond that way. you can respond with other things. With alcohol (self-medication is not recommended). With exercise. With good thoughts. With whatever. Your brain wants to get a handle on the rush of negative emotion and it has decided the best way to do that is to embrace it and convince itself that you are in fact deserving of all that negative emotion (learned helplessness is a good insight into why, but certainly not the only reason.) But that isn't the only way to get a handle on the negative emotion.
avatar
celette482

Posts : 168
Reputation : 138
Join date : 2014-10-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Being Unable to be Happy AKA another stupid fucking rant

Post by UristMcBunny on Mon Nov 24, 2014 4:33 pm

First step in repairing your self esteem is going to be quieting the parts of your mind that put you down and tell you negative things about yourself.  Persistent, negative thoughts are very common, but when they get to the point they have in you (like they used to be for me) they can undermine so much of your hard work.  There's a few ways to deal with them, and I recommend a pick-and-mix approach where you try a little bit of everything and then keep what works.  Some things I do/have done include:

In The Moment Actions

  • Headphones on, loud music I can sing to, singing at the top of my voice until the persistent thoughts stop
  • Taking advantage of the fact that some of my persistent brainweasels include The One Who Counts  - briefly count my breaths/steps/blinks and purposefully start myself out on the wrong side (count right foot first, or exhalation first) so my counting brainweasel freaks out and starts counting stuff and takes over the space in my brain that was being used by the One Who Hates My Guts.
  • Call someone I know and chat to them - not to tell them about me, but to ask about them - get distracted by their news and stuff.
  • Meditation of some sort.  This can include grounding techniques that I also use to quell anxiety attacks/self harm triggers, or retreating into the "astral" space I built for myself in my brain and doing some gardening in there.
  • Drawing cute, nice, loveable cartoon characters who also happen to have X physical trait that my negative brainweasels are focusing on.  Look at how cute that fat little bunny girl is!  Lookit her adorable chunky little stump legs!  She's so cute!


Long-Term Actions

  • Making a pact with myself to not encourage or trigger negative self-thought spirals in myself.  That means learning to catch myself when I start thinking something horrible about myself and refusing to acknowledge the thought - even if it comes down to imagining myself shouting the word NO over and over until the negative thoughts get drowned out.
  • Making a pact to give myself one genuine, unqualified, non-sarcastic compliment every day.  Even if it feels stupid.  Even if I feel like I'm lying.  Even if it seems pointless.  Every.  Day.
  • Finding things I can do that put good into the world, even if only in tiny ways.  One of my favourite ways to do this was learning how to give really sincere, genuine and carefully-considered compliments to people I knew, to show them gratitude and to let them know I loved and cared about them.  Another is celette's excellent suggestion to put out some kindness into the world.  Tiny gestures still have worth and can feel good for both you and the person you do them for.


Other than that, I cultivate hobbies that make the most of my brain's needs and that allow me to vent as needed.

_________________
Some of you will know me as Bunny from the old forums.
avatar
UristMcBunny
Moderator of "Romantic and Sexual Relationships"

Posts : 371
Reputation : 116
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile http://uristmcdorf.tumblr.com/

Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum