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How Do You Know It's Gonna Get Better?

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Post by Guest Sun Nov 30, 2014 12:42 pm

Hello there, everyone's least favorite person here.

Whenever I've made a post recently, I've slowly devolved into it being yet another "woe is me I suck I hate everything" rant, to which the only natural response is "for the last fucking time, we know you're ugly, can we just fucking hear something else?!"

So I'm gonna try to talk about something else in the hopes that i can go through one fucking post without devolving into the patterns of self-hatred and self-pity where I'm most comfortable.

People like Enail and the regulars just sort of calmly wave it off, "Oh he's having a tantrum, don't mind him," and they've gotten used to me being perpetually hopeless and all that. Then someone new shows up, says something nice, and I attack them for it because it sounds like they're trying to mock me, and I continue to attack them until they snap and let out their real opinion of me, which is always negative.

My point is, whenever I see something encouraging (especially when it's proceeded by "my life used to suck and now it doesn't!"), my main response is: "How do you know it will get better for me?"

Look, I'm not saying that verbally abusing people who initially try to be nice is a good thing to do. I'm just saying that it offends me because you're using your own superiority over me as an example of why things will work out for me.

So I've gotten increasingly angry since I've spent two years working on myself with no results to speak of, where Somewhat Uglier Glides had the exact same success rate as Clean and Presentable Glides. Yeah yeah, sex isn't a statistic, and there's a lot of mental shit I need to work on.

But the question remains: "How do you know?"

I always interpreted it as "I hope things will get better for you so you'll stop fucking complaining all the time, because no fucking wonder people don't like you when you're miserable." Normally, the depressive episodes would last a couple weeks at the longest. This one has lasted three months straight. Every single day has been relentless emotional torture. In fact, I can't even remember the last purely good day I ever had without my mind trying to sabotage me at every turn. That would make it near impossible for one to feel good about anything. It doesn't justify my behavior towards people, it just explains it.

Actually I've been censoring myself this entire post, so I don't say anything really mean, and even that takes a lot of mental effort.

I'm not really in a place where I can even see a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever I try to express how horrible things are for me, how often I've cried over the last week, how much of it I've spent asleep, and how little I've interacted with anyone else because I'm steadily losing my group of acquaintances. I'm losing them because there are two settings I can go to: mocking insulting banter and absolute misery, and so I've defaulted to being incredibly rude to everybody. I'm not capable of expressing positive emotion, I can't even fake it anymore. So naturally they're all pretty mad at me right now because I'm being an asshole, because it's the only way to keep myself from breaking down publicly, which would make things even worse. Some of the stuff that's come out of my mouth over the last couple of weeks scares me with how fucking nasty it's been, but I also realize that that's about as nice as I can be to people. Even trying to be nice only last for a couple minutes before it gets too hard to fake it.

I think much like with the way I've repeatedly attacked people on this forum, I want to prove that I'm as terrible as my subconscious thinks it is. In order to be worthless, people have to believe me. People only express their real opinion of me if they hate me, not the other way around. You can always like someone, but once you hate someone, that can never change. Since being rude and nasty is so foreign for me, it's going to take a little while longer to scare everyone off, and once I do, I'll be completely alone, with no one to talk to. And as much as I don't want to scare anyone off, I know that I'm probably going to anyway, without even trying, because all this rudeness and nastiness won't stop erupting. I can't be satisfied until everyone else wants me to die as much as I want to.

I dunno, how bad of a rant is this?

Point being, how do you know things are going to get better? I keep trying to process a scenario in which things magically work out for me. Maybe tomorrow I meet a girl and by some miracle we connect and she thinks I'm cute and she magically saves my life, because that's what Manic Pixie Dream Girls do. Or maybe I get a job offer from one of the places I've applied to tomorrow, and that job gives me something meaningful to do with my life, and I'm saved that way, and I get more confident, and I discover that, hey, just by being open and honest with girls, something that I never do with anyone, they totally like me and stuff. Or maybe some film I make that I send to a film festival magically gets the attention of Hollywood and I become the greatest director who ever lived and stuff.

I have to resort to fantasy and completely unrealistic scenarios to even begin to imagine a life in which I'm happy, that's all I'm saying. Literally all I know is misery. That's it, thinking back over the last several months I can only remember some pervasive misery, and that's it. And it's a misery in which literally nothing about my life is good, and only some delusional hope that things might work out is the only thing that keeps me alive. "Maybe tomorrow could be better." And then tomorrow is never better. But tomorrow is no worse than today, because there's only so far you can go before you've hit rock bottom, and I've hit rock bottom. Or maybe I was always there, since I was born, and I was in denial until now.

"Well the only way you can go now is up, things gotta get better now!" How?

"Go to therapy!" I am going to therapy, as soon as school starts back up, I'm going to a school shrink and it'll be so fucking awful. But I'm doing it just to shut you people up.

Not even being told "well there's tons of people suffering like this" makes me feel any better. I might be an asshole, but I'm not a sadist. If they're suffering, they're far too deep in their own misery to help me.

"Write something, you write lots of words whenever you're sad." Write what, about this? And have my name associated with this shit?

I don't know, I'm not claiming that you guys have it so fucking good compared to me or something, I'm just saying that it really riles me up when I hear "it gets better." I've been told that for nearly two decades, and nothing has ever gotten better for me. Surviving every day is an accomplishment, because the sheer amount of emotional pain I've had to endure to get through it is astronomical. The fact that I can walk out in public, feeling so fucking horrible, so fucking horrible that it can't be disguised, and still not express any emotion, I don't know how I do that. Ironically, depression has given me the best poker face out of anyone I know. I can get beaten and express nothing, because physical pain is a relief compared to what I feel inside. Kinda like a Fight Club sort of thing, pain takes your attention away from what's inside. What's saddest is that I got punched in the stomach really fucking hard a couple weeks back by a friend of mine, and it actually felt good because it wasn't emotional, and it distracted me from my internal pain. I'm not a cutter or a masochist or anything like that, but it felt good in comparison. The fact that I can get the living hell beaten out of me and show nothing. The fact that I've had that poker face even when I've broken bones.

How can you expect me to be open and honest with people emotionally when all there is inside is absolute hurt and pain? Yeah yeah, it's emo shit, I know, but that's what every day is like for me. I wake up and it hurts, I go to sleep and it hurts. I've literally spent the last week at my parents' house watching Netflix and playing video games. I haven't gone outside in a week because I've been sick (which hasn't helped). I've done nothing but that and basic hygienic stuff, cleaning the dishes and doing laundry and exercising and nothing else. I haven't talked to anyone this week. I've been completely isolated and alone.

Y'all can mock me behind my back all you want, I can't see any of your faces and I don't know who you are. Mock away. Go nuts. Talk about how awful I am. I'm used to it. I can take it. Can't hurt me any worse than I hurt myself.

But seriously, "how do you know it's gonna get better?" How do you? What proof do you have? Or is it just desperate hope so you don't have to see my sorry ass around the forum. I can post all this to Reddit and get called a "little virgin faggot," or I can post it here and have people mock me in slightly better worded language. Either way, I don't know how to help myself.

I'll try to describe how every day feels like to me: it's like I'm in a bubble. I can see out, people can't see in. I'm desperately hitting against the wall of the bubble, because I want people to notice me, to love me, to care about me in the ways in which everyone else is loved and cared about (it's a metaphor). I can't break the bubble. No one can see me. I can't break the bubble.

I've gotten so used to being in the bubble, all alone, that occasionally people bump into the bubble. Some of them curiously reach through the bubble. People can phase into the bubble, I can't phase out. I've gotten so used to being alone that when anyone reaches in, I bite them. Because after being isolated for so long, I'm like a wounded animal, I'll attack anything in sight. I slice open their hands with my teeth, because I'm afraid, and they kick me away and jump out of the bubble. Then they tell everyone else about that wild animal called Glides inside the bubble. And I sit at the edge of my bubble, and I don't want to be alone anymore, but I can't keep myself from attacking anyone who goes inside, because I don't trust what's outside the bubble.

In a couple instances, people have tried to pull me out of the bubble. I can't go out unless I'm holding onto someone else. And in those times, I could get a whiff of the air outside, and outside is where Everyone Else lives. And I panic, because despite how beautiful everything looks and how nice it smells, it's unfamiliar and it could hurt me. So i twist around and attack whoever tries to pull me out. I cut and tear at them, and at first, they hold on, because they assume it's just me being an animal. But I won't stop until they leave me alone, because if I go out with them, they might get pulled into the bubble with me and be just like me. Because I'm poisonous. I want to save them, and the only way to save them is to keep them away from me, outside, without me. I'm too dangerous and disgusting to be let out of the bubble. And so eventually they realize how disgusting and dangerous I am, and they kick me away and jump back outside. They move on, forget about me. But at least they're safe from me now, because I'm just a monster.

And the reason why I'm in the bubble in the first place is that people spent years turning me into the monster. They told me I was a monster, and they beat me and hurt me and beat me and hurt me for years on end, until i became exactly what they always knew I was. Then they forced me into the bubble, and conditioned me to feel comfortable in there. To feel most comfortable when I'm at my worst, when I hurt the most.

Nobody approaches the bubble now, they've all been told of the monster in the bubble, and how disgusting and ugly and vicious he is, and if anyone goes inside, I'll attack them and hurt them, seemingly for no reason. To me, I'm being altruistic, because I can't talk the way they talk, I understand them but I can't make them understand me. I just want to save them from me, because I know I'm a monster, and monsters can't be friends with people, monsters can't be loved by people. Maybe I was a person too, once, but now I'm just a monster.

That's actually why I don't get along with most animals, because I'm pretty sure they recognize that I'm different, that I'm a monster. Most dogs actually try to bite me when I meet them. I don't get along with dogs or cats very often. When I do, they're as affectionate as ever, because they realize that I'm just a strange human who attacks other humans. Or maybe they associate me with those pit bulls who are abused for years and go wild. Of course, I don't hurt the animals, because animals can't talk, and so they can't mock me and hate me like I think people will do. Most people don't even hate me, I'm just invisible to them because of that stupid bubble. They can see a person there, but they can also tell that he's a monster.

An exception is that I ironically get along really well with rescue dogs. When they've been abused themselves, I can identify with that. They bark at me, snap at me, roar at me, because they're monsters too. But after a little while, they realize that I'm a monster too, and then they get friendly. Because monsters don't tend to hurt each other. What good would that do? The same applies to people, I get along really well with people who have suffered past traumas of their own, in most cases far worse than me. But they've somehow prevented themselves from becoming monsters, in most cases. Or maybe they're monsters too and I just can't tell. Or maybe they just understand what it feels like to be a monster. Maybe they used to be monsters. I don't know.

Remember, I spent years and years being told by people that I'm a monster, being beaten, being hurt, being tortured, being hurt, until I was the monster. Maybe if I'd been different somehow, I wouldn't have been forced into becoming one. And now that I am the monster, now that I'm in my bubble, now that everyone knows not to approach me, I don't know how to get out. I've only ever gotten a chance before when people tried to help me out of it. And I hurt all of them and drove them away, because I was too scared to not be the monster. I've been the monster for so long that I've forgotten what it feels like to be a person.

I've been the monster so long that I don't know how to be a person.

God, this rant sucks. Don't kill me.


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Post by nearly_takuan Sun Nov 30, 2014 12:54 pm

I do think "it gets better" is usually intended as either "I hope things get better for you" or "I want you to hold on to hope that things can get better" but I think most of the people who say that genuinely care about other people's feelings enough to want you to feel better for your sake, without the ulterior motive of wanting you to shut up that you're projecting onto it.

I don't know that it will get better. That's part of the reason I've never promised you any such thing. But I hope it does. I hope life gets better for you, because you've suffered a lot for a long time and I want people in general (which you are included in) to not have to go through that.
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Post by reboot Sun Nov 30, 2014 12:57 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:I do think "it gets better" is usually intended as either "I hope things get better for you" or "I want you to hold on to hope that things can get better" but I think most of the people who say that genuinely care about other people's feelings enough to want you to feel better for your sake, without the ulterior motive of wanting you to shut up that you're projecting onto it.

I don't know that it will get better. That's part of the reason I've never promised you any such thing. But I hope it does. I hope life gets better for you, because you've suffered a lot for a long time and I want people in general (which you are included in) to not have to go through that.

I always took "it will get better" to mean you will learn to manage the symptoms of your illness so they do not intrude so much into your life, rather than they will go away.
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Post by Werel Sun Nov 30, 2014 1:00 pm

This was pretty beautiful, Glides.

edit: That's not to say that I don't have an opinion on whether you can "know" that it'll get better, because I do: you can't know. Then why do we even say it? Takuan nailed it:

nearly_takuan wrote:I do think "it gets better" is usually intended as either "I hope things get better for you" or "I want you to hold on to hope that things can get better" but I think most of the people who say that genuinely care about other people's feelings enough to want you to feel better for your sake, without the ulterior motive of wanting you to shut up that you're projecting onto it.

It's a common way of trying to reach into the bubble and give you a pat on the shoulder. As soon as you can see that it's well-intentioned, not contempt in disguise, you're a little closer to being able to grab onto someone's hand outside the bubble and hold onto it.
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Post by OneTrueGuest Sun Nov 30, 2014 1:23 pm

Since I am likely the new person you are referring to, I would like to clarify a few of the "facts" as you presented them.

1. You never attacked me.  You sent me a message apologising for supposedly attacking me but I cannot actually recall an attack.  I recall you asking me for an example as to how you were wrong and you not responding to my example, but I never once felt like you attacked me nor did I think you needed to send me an apology.

2.  The private message where you claim I told you how I really felt about you is no different than the public message I posted here.  I said the same thing:  the first Glides, the one who is open and honest and vulnerable, the one who started this thread here today, the "real" Glides with all his flaws and fears, that's the Glides I like.  The second Glides, you public persona, the Glides who talks about his fake sex life crudely, refers to women as chicks, talks about sex as a game to earn points, talks shit about people and is generally nasty with his biting sense of humour, the Glides from your stories, the Glides from your dialogues you occasionally post, that's the Glides I can't stand.  I like the REAL you, not the mask you put on yourself that you think is the only way you can be liked.  I also think most people here like the REAL you over the mask as well, but I can't be definite about that.

Nothing about my opinion of the real you is negative.  My opinion of the real you is complicated, and I hurt so much that you hurt so much (because I absolutely understand your train of thought as I told you since I've been in the exact same place), but I do not think bad things about the real you.  

However, yes, I do think bad things about the fake you.  And I would love it if you could change it considering you aren't the fake you.  I also understand how scary and hard that is to do.

3.  I offered you one suggestion beyond working on being the real Glides in your real life.  I suggested that you focus outside of yourself.  That because your brain is sending you such nasty thoughts all the time, that you should focus on others and attempt to bring as much goodness as you could into the lives of others.  That maybe if you approached the world as attempting to put more goodness instead of more nastiness into it (which is what the fake Glides does), you might get out of your own head and give the self hate a break.

So to conclude, I don't think ill of you at all.  And I feel bad that my message made you think that I did.  Yes it was written bluntly.  You know who's tone I was emulating?  Yours.  I was trying to write as you did, I assumed that that was how you liked best to communicate.  I was wrong.  I will try a softer approach.


As to this post, your brain is doing its jerk thing again.  You are accusing posters here of talking about you behind your back, of just wanting you to get better already because they are sick of you.  None of which is remotely true, nor do you have any evidence that it is true. You are basically trying to get us to hate us as you say in your post.  Here's the thing man, you've been here too long, we know you too well (yes even me, I might be new to posting, but not to reading).  We know your goodness even when you can't see it.  And we also know you have reported back on improvements over the years.  You also have a cool new friend who actually seems like a nice person.  You clearly are meeting good people in the real world who want to spend time with you, which means you cannot be as bad as your brain wants to convince you you are.

Right now, it's hard for any of us to convince you of anything, and I am glad you are going to therapy, that's huge. But know this.  You are a good person.  You are a good person.

You are a good person.

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Post by BasedBuzzed Sun Nov 30, 2014 1:39 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote:
2.  The private message where you claim I told you how I really felt about you is no different than the public message I posted here.  I said the same thing:  the first Glides, the one who is open and honest and vulnerable, the one who started this thread here today, the "real" Glides with all his flaws and fears, that's the Glides I like.  The second Glides, you public persona, the Glides who talks about his fake sex life crudely, refers to women as chicks, talks about sex as a game to earn points, talks shit about people and is generally nasty with his biting sense of humour, the Glides from your stories, the Glides from your dialogues you occasionally post, that's the Glides I can't stand.  I like the REAL you, not the mask you put on yourself that you think is the only way you can be liked.  I also think most people here like the REAL you over the mask as well, but I can't be definite about that.

Nothing about my opinion of the real you is negative.  My opinion of the real you is complicated, and I hurt so much that you hurt so much (because I absolutely understand your train of thought as I told you since I've been in the exact same place), but I do not think bad things about the real you.  

However, yes, I do think bad things about the fake you.  And I would love it if you could change it considering you aren't the fake you.  I also understand how scary and hard that is to do.

Separate the chaff from the wheat on the 'fake' persona(it's another side of you). It's only fake if you actually don't think it suits your personality at all, instead of it being a side that comes out in certain circumstances. A biting sense of humour is good as long as you pick your targets right, and can take it the same as you dish out. Talking crude about sex is fine as long as you don't name any names, and don't pretend to be above it all.

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Post by Hirundo Bos Sun Nov 30, 2014 2:09 pm

I don't. Of course I don't: There are so many twists and turns in every human life, it's impossible to predict what course a particular life will take.

For the same reason, I know with quite a bit of certainty that it's gonna get different. And then different again.

A thing with pain is that it's never static. There are variations, usually small, but noticeable with practice. Of course, absolutely awful pain makes it hard to notice anything at all, but even awful comes in different shades: Awful, really awful, somewhat awful, absolutely awful, horribly awful... an episode of awful is likely to contain all of these.

And at some point, you may begin to feel that the acceptable or even good days and the bad or awful days belong to the same person, and the same life, and that there is indeed a point to getting through the awful ones. This again isn't certain, but it isn't all that unlikely either.

Another thing I don't know, but strongly suspect, is that "it getting better" has a different meaning for you and for us on the outside. What it means for you, Glides, I can't really know at all. But with depression in general, certain concepts are likely to take on a very intense meaning, a meaning so strong it drowns out most other things... And people on the outside, unfortunately, can't share that meaning. Even when they are depressed themselves, and share in the meaning of "it getting better" in general, the specific meaning of "things getting better for Glides" will look very different from Glides' own perspective.

I'm not really sure which of the outside or inside perspectives are true, but I suspect that truth lays somewhere in between.
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Post by waxingjaney Sun Nov 30, 2014 2:35 pm

Glides wrote:Point being, how do you know things are going to get better?
Same reason Giles smashed the necklace: combination of faith that things could be better, and a desire for things to be better.
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Post by UristMcBunny Sun Nov 30, 2014 3:19 pm

One thing I cannot say enough is how glad I am that you're going to give therapy a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, so I really hope it helps you in some way.

As to the "it gets better" thing... I think different people say it for different reasons. For myself, I say it because I've been where you are, as have many of my loved ones. Looking back on that time now, I remember how hopeless everything felt. How deep and dark and inescapable the pit I'd fallen into felt. And how I couldn't see that the opening only seemed so far out of reach because I was on my knees, and how once I finally reached a point where I could stand, there were so many hands reaching down to pull me up. That doesn't mean I was there by any fault of my own, or that "sucking it up" would do anything, only that when an opportunity came - when something changed that allowed me the space to stand - I was able to make things better for myself.

So for me, it's more than I'm confident that there will be opportunities where you could make things better for yourself - because those moments are tiny and happen frequently, although they can be hard to notice.

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Post by Enail Sun Nov 30, 2014 6:08 pm

Glides wrote:
"Go to therapy!" I am going to therapy, as soon as school starts back up, I'm going to a school shrink and it'll be so fucking awful. But I'm doing it just to shut you people up.

Grin  My obnoxiousness pays off. Fucking awesome, Glides!

Try and keep an open mind about it and be patient. Expect the effect to be small at first, changes to be gradual, and that even if what they're saying seems sappy and dumb, give it a genuine try, because it could be helping your brain practice feeling better.

Glides, your ability to step outside yourself and see the reasons behind your reactions is really impressive, and I think that's something that will become more helpful to you over time and as you develop extra emotional skills to back it up - being able to change your perspective can lead to being able to gain more distance from your emotional reactions, being able to sit with them without being overwhelmed or consumed by them, and so on. That's one reason I think that things are likely to get better for you, if you keep working at it and keep yourself safe.

Another reason is that you have shown such a strong and constant drive to change; trying new things even when they terrify you, learning and questioning and going back, readjusting the angle and moving forward again. One of the biggest things that I think tends to keep people with depression and/or anxiety from making progress is that those mental illnesses are total assholes that raise the cost and the risk associated with trying, and demand all your energy just to keep from moving backwards, so it can be incredibly hard to make changes that might help. You're a fucking badass at that part - I know things can change for you because I've already seen you change things for yourself.

One thing about your metaphor; you recognize that you'll attack when you're scared, because you're hurting, because you've been beaten and called a monster. You know that's what animals who are in pain, who've been abused will do, and it sounds like you can have compassion and not see them as awful, even if you call them monsters. They're not monsters, they just don't know how else to react to a hand reaching out that could be a threat. The same is true for people. The same is true for you.  You know it's not good to be be mean to the people around you - but you can try your best not to and recognize that you're struggling with pain and fear and have some compassion for yourself when you do land up saying something hurtful to someone.

Also, I've got to say, you talk a lot about how horrible and rude and mean you are and how much you attack people on this forum - but I have never seen you attack someone here. You've sometimes made generalizations that people have found offensive or hurtful, but it's generally because it hadn't occurred to you that other people would see themselves as included in that group; I can't recall seeing you try to be hurtful or insulting to anyone, and if you do, you make efforts to understand what hurt them and to not do it again. If that's what all your supposed meanness and awfulness is like, I think you're being much too hard on yourself.

One more little thing: If you're worried you're pushing the people around you away by avoiding them and being mean, consider reaching out a bit, just a quick, "hey, sorry for saying X/I've not been around much/whatever, I've been in a bad mood/not feeling well/whatever you're comfortable with lately, but I don't mean to take it out on you," or something like that. You don't have to tell them everything that you're dealing with or how bad you're feeling to let them know that you know you haven't been at your best with them lately and that you don't mean to be taking it out on them - most people have been snappish with friends during a rough period at some point, so it's something most people can understand and it doesn't have to be a big deal.  Maybe by text if that's less stressful.


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Post by The Wisp Sun Nov 30, 2014 6:42 pm

Enail wrote:
Try and keep an open mind about it and be patient. Expect the effect to be small at first, changes to be gradual, and that even if what they're saying seems sappy and dumb, give it a genuine try, because it could be helping your brain practice feeling better.

I just want to second this. It may well feel weird at first, and the therapist will probably spend the first few sessions getting to know you. Also, if the person you're initially seeing doesn't click, it's okay to find somebody else.

Good luck!
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