Should I ask her/him out? Does he/she like me and variations thereof

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Should I ask her/him out? Does he/she like me and variations thereof Empty Should I ask her/him out? Does he/she like me and variations thereof

Post by nolorn on Tue Nov 25, 2014 1:29 am

So OLD has a section to ask for advice, this thread is for questions about initiating/asking out people you know irl for dates etc.

I guess I'll start with my own issue- today I asked a girl out, lets call her S, first I asked her if she had ever gone rock climbing in our University gym and then if she would like to go with me:
She said that she would have to talk with her friend because she has plans with her on the same day(end of exams), and then her friend leaves after that day, but she would get back to me, and me being a ponce I did not ask her number and walked off to my own business.

So was that a soft no? she did smile after, and we regularly see each other and we have shared lunch together.... and I think she may have in a way initiated it because she always has a bright smile for me whenever she hands out a lab pass (she works in out school computer lab) and seemed eager to talk to me about mathematics and mechanical engineering when I asked her so I'm thinking it is a yes.
But I could be wrong.

So here is the complicating factor... I kinda have a crush on another girl(a more physical attraction) in out material-science dept lets call her 'T'. I hardly see 'T', but I only know she is graduating this spring, plans to travel after and has a job setup at a oil and gas firm. She has also once agreed to come to an IEEE meeting (a student society I am president of) but the meeting was cancelled because of reasons and I did not get to talk to her more.

'T' and I have talked about our fields and our career plans, and she recently accepted me on linked-in and from what we have talked we seem amicable... but I don't know if she is attached to someone or is even attracted to me. I want to talk to her more and then ask her out but that may seem moot, but if I do and I am rejected, I am afraid that may jeopardize our professional relationship, as I really want a job at the firm she is gonna work and I could use her reference and possibly hurt the reputation of the IEEE society I am president of.      

So is my pining for 'T' a lost cause? Am I leading on 'S'? I really don't want to hurt 'S'; she seems like a really nice girl.

Sorry for the TLDR: basically liked girl 'S' asked her out she may have said yes, but am crushing on 'T' but she may be a distant dream

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Post by kleenestar on Tue Nov 25, 2014 11:26 am

So, first off, awesome! I'm so glad you asked S out, no matter how things turn out.

I think you have a few different questions here so let me tackle them one by one.

First, is there something wrong with asking S out while you are interested in T? I think the answer is "it depends." Would you be enthusiastic about going on a date with S? Would you be able to focus entirely on her while you're on the date, or would you be comparing her to T? Would you be open to finding out what's great about her and enjoying her for who she is? If you think you can do those things, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a date. You are not making any promises except that you'd like to go on a date with her, so as long as you can do that, you're all good.

Next, you're wondering whether S gave you a soft no. The answer is "you need more data." It sounds like she might be genuinely busy toward the end of the semester, and it seems that she treats you positively when she sees you in other contexts. It also sounds like you did a really good job of asking her out - you proposed a specific activity and a specific date. What that means is that you can follow up in a no-pressure way to find out whether the problem is logistical or she was giving you a soft no.

If it were me - and I think I'd like other folks to weigh in on this - I'd look up her email on the school website and drop her a line that said something like this. "Hey X - This is nolorn. We talked about going rock climbing together the other day, and I realized I forgot to get your number, so I'm dropping you a line. You said that [date X] might not work for you because of your friend leaving. Do you want to try for [date Y] instead? Let me know if that's good for you, or you can suggest a date you prefer. Otherwise, I'll see you next semester."

Then there's the question of T. I think you are right to be conservative with this; you want to preserve a potential professional relationship, which means that asking her out has to be done in a way that doesn't make her uncomfortable or think less of you in the long term. On the other hand, I think it's totally possible to do so. The key is to avoid neediness or pining - which may be tough if you're super into her, but I think it can be done if you prepare yourself both mentally and practically. Also, I think the concern about the IEEE society reputation is not a big deal, especially if she's not a member - this is more about preserving your relationship for the long run.

I think if you can ask simply, clearly, giving her an out, and making it clear that you take a "no" in a friendly way, then you won't be burning any bridges. For example, "Hey T, I think you are really great and I'd love to take you out on a date. Would you like to [do thing X on date Y]?" If she comes back with a date or activity problem, you can say something like, "No problem, is there a [date / activity] that would work better for you? Or would you rather just keep our relationship professional? That side of things is pretty great too, and I understand not wanting to change it - I had to think pretty hard about asking you out for exactly that reason."

(But again, I'd love input from other forum folks on the proposed script.)

What do you think, nolorn? Does any of this stuff seem helpful to you?
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Post by kath on Tue Nov 25, 2014 11:57 am

One thing with how you asked out S - did you make it clear it was a date, rather than friendly rock climbing? It sounds like you already have a friendship where you hang out when you are in the same place, so she might not know it's a date if you haven't mentioned it. Otherwise I agree completely with Kleenestar.
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Post by nolorn on Tue Nov 25, 2014 1:23 pm

Thanks Kleenstar it was helpful, I will keep that in mind about T, if I can ever see her- she is pretty much on the opposite side of our campus and I kind of met her by accident so getting to meet her takes deliberate effort.

As for 'S' we don't see each other that often because she is in another department and I spend most of my time in our EE lab but I know where to usually find her.

As for enthusiasim I am more physically attracted to 'T'....S is petite and skinny and has more 'girlish/childlike' face (which reminds me that I'll have to ask her if she is under 20).

As for 'T' she is kind of the opposite to S- T has a body like a shapely Lena Dunham, with ample legs, or her tight pants/jeans she wears really flatter them. She also has a more mature face (or maybe her make up is like that) she looks like she is not far from me in age (I am 23) and hers is a body type I am really into.

But I'd like to think I can compromise- and I really want to be open to being more enthusiastically attracted to S, because I think we might be compatible and I might have a chance with her. I don't know if I will be more or less enthusiastic about dating S because this is the first date I have ever gone on.

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Post by kleenestar on Tue Nov 25, 2014 2:11 pm

The research I've been reading recently suggests that as you get to know these women, the total amount you are attracted to them will change based on their personality and character. We actually think awesome people are hotter than we did before we knew they were awesome! So I think it's worth getting to know S better as long as you're at least a little attracted to her, because as you get to know her your level of attraction will change.

I think it's legit not to know about your enthusiasm level for the date; just don't bring T to your date with S, even in your mind. Razz
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Post by nolorn on Tue Nov 25, 2014 2:51 pm

So I talked to 'S', she was with her friend, and I found out that she will instead spend her Friday with her family. I plan to ask for her number later when she is by herself and see if I can get a rain check.

I'm hoping for the best

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Post by kleenestar on Tue Nov 25, 2014 3:07 pm

I'm rooting for you!

Just so you know, this is now twice that she's had other plans - you can follow up one more time, and then you need to leave the ball in her court.

Good luck!!! Hope you get a rain check!!
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