I suck at vulnerability and being only myself (self reflection)

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I suck at vulnerability and being only myself (self reflection) Empty I suck at vulnerability and being only myself (self reflection)

Post by Jayce on Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:16 pm

So I just came back from a party where I barely knew anybody. All I knew were the hosts (which I didn't know very well). It was really fun and all, I became better friends with the host and her sister (which I just started to feel a bit smitten with, its weird the first time I met her I felt neutral but I got to know her a bit more and she's pretty cool). Got to make friends one or two other people which I said we should go for beers some other time and we got each other's facebooks.

I did make a serious attempt to get to know people since I approached most of them. It was hard since most of them felt most comfortable talking to the people they already know and the majority of them were old high school friends.

But there were definitely those periods of silence where I'm just sitting there holding my drink and just standing there by myself, not approaching anybody (approaching meaning just wanting to socialise here). Or periods where I started the talking process and a nice conversation comes along but soon when topic change occurs it becomes really enclosed ( like inside jokes, talking about people they know.

In retrospect I think in order to try to get to know people you don't know better I would have to be able to be a bit vulnerable. Being able to be willing to share my life, interests, personality, quirks easily and confidently. Being able to just say to myself I'll go and talk to that person without thinking twice. Take chances. And even though I do make a lot of attempts at doing these things and I do succeed at doing so sometimes I still can feel scared. I don't know exactly why I'm scared but I do know that when I am, those are when those periods of silence and awkwardness, and me standing there not doing anything occurs.


So I ask myself, why. Do I hate myself? The honest answer is overall no, but I can be really mean and strict with myself and unforgiving especially when it comes to confidence, appearance, messing up socially.

Do I have things that make me afraid socially? Yeah. I don't have close friends to hang out with on a weekly basis. I don't really have a lot of interesting stories. I have no idea of how to plan friend outings besides coffee, lunch or movies or drinks at a bar(which is not ideal since its hard to get back home from a night out). I don't really know the exact perfect words to say and when to say them so I just improvise even though I know the perfect sentence dosen't exist, still feel a bit anxious. I don't have a lot of social experience ( most people start making friends when they were kids) I started like last year. I can be afraid of larger groups of people I don't know. One on one I'm ok in most scenarios. Sometimes I give boring responses unintentionally.

What am I scared of the most? Being just myself. Right now I am being "the best version of myself" which is ok and a good mindset but I'm not there yet. Right now I asked myself, would it be possible that Veronica would like the best version of me, and the answer is yes. Would she like just me? I honestly struggle to say yes even though I'm not that bad right now. I really want to believe it. But why don't I believe it deep down?

What answer am I looking for? It would be silly to have to rely on other people to give the stamp of approval for me being just plain myself.

I can only accept myself as long as it comes with the condition that I must always continue to strive to improve. The problem with this is I never feel good enough right now. It's always, yeah I'm not that good but I'm improving and maybe one day I can finally be good enough.

Feeling in a bit of a dilemma right now. I want to continue to strive to improve but I also want to feel what I currently have is good enough.


On the bright side: the party was fun!!

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:45 pm

I think because this is labeled as self reflection that means you aren't seeking any advice or anything so I won't offer any.  What I wanted to say was when you described the moments at the party where you were quietly by yourself, or where the conversation took a turn towards inside jokes . . . well that is completely and totally normal.  Pretty much everyone at some point during a long party has those experiences.  Sometimes we just aren't privy to a certain inside joke.  And sometimes we find ourselves alone wondering who to go talk with next.  Don't see those few moments as particularly unusual.  You might not notice it happening to anyone else, but that's because we are always usually mostly focussed on ourselves and our own fears.  Every party I go to both those things happen to me usually several times a night.  And I'm a very social person who goes to a lot of parties Smile .

Anyway, my point is, this all sounds amazing and I am very happy you had a good time.  As to the rest, I think you've got some great insight into yourself and I think that can only lead to greater discoveries and an even better party experience next time Smile .

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Post by Jayce on Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:51 pm

Advice is welcome if you want to give it Smile I'm not sure what I should do

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Sat Nov 29, 2014 2:21 pm

Jayce wrote:
In retrospect I think in order to try to get to know people you don't know better  I would have to be able to be a bit vulnerable. Being able to be willing to share my life, interests, personality, quirks easily and confidently. Being able to just say to myself I'll go and talk to that person without thinking twice. Take chances.

Huh. Go and talk to people, not thinking twice... doing those things are expressions of vulnerability and examples of it. I hadn't thought of that, but you are right.

I'm not so good with vulnerability either.

The good news about vulnerability is that I don't think it doesn't take that much skill to practice, mere exposure ought to be enough. Then after a while we start to get used to it. Hard at first, sure. Scary as hell. But at least not dependent on skill.

Jayce wrote:
I have no idea of how to plan friend outings besides coffee, lunch or movies or drinks at a bar(which is not ideal since its hard to get back home from a night out). I don't really know the exact perfect words to say and when to say them so I just improvise even though I know the perfect sentence dosen't exist, still feel a bit anxious.

Now, I started to take the initiative with friends less than six months ago, and I didn't know how to do or what to say either... For my part, this too was a matter of practice. I started out with those easy things like coffee or lunch, and after a while, as I got used to it, ideas for other activities began to turn up. And a message with "hey, want to do something someday?" didn't sound so strange in my own ears anymore.

However you go about with it, or if you choose to take it easy right now, I wish you luck,with it.
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Post by Dan_Brodribb on Sat Nov 29, 2014 3:45 pm

You aren't alone. I sometimes like to laugh about it.

This clip helps me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhoW8bS0IuM

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Post by Guest on Sun Nov 30, 2014 6:05 am

I'm in a similar place. I've been improving myself socially the last two years, but for me, it feels like I'm still putting on this façade that is kind of me but not really. It's certainly inspired by how I really am, but I don't exactly make myself 'vulnerable' enough for people to actually know me.

Jayce wrote:So I ask myself, why. Do I hate myself? The honest answer is overall no, but I can be really mean and strict with myself and unforgiving especially when it comes to confidence, appearance, messing up socially.

Yikes, I relate too well to this.

The only advice I can give is that being vulnerable is hard. It's not as if you can just open up like that with even simple things if you've not been conditioned to. But, like all things, you can work on it. Start small, with little things that are personal but not too personal. Work up piece by piece when you feel comfortable and you'll find it gets easier.

I still have a long way to go, but it certainly works for me.

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Post by Jayce on Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:46 am

Well I worked on being more vulnerable tody, I actually asked two of my co-workers to hang out soon for coffee or lunch next week and they both accepted. I work as a tutor for high school students which is a really solitary job with barely any interaction between co-workers since most of the human interaction is between worker and clients. So normally people don't bother getting to know each other and no one does unless they were friends already before they started working together.

I also asked through social networking the girl I was smitten with at the party and some other people too, if she wanted to see the latest Hunger Games as a group. I dont ever ask people out on dates through social networking since I feel its impersonal and theorise its probably ineffective, I'd rather do it face to face, so I want to setup a group event. Unfortunately that plan didn't work as everybody already seen it. Ah well. It's not my last chance, hopefully I'll see her around uni after holidays end, well she did tell me she wanted to go to the uni events and groups I was in more often.

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