[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by Kiskadee on Sun Nov 30, 2014 11:18 pm

So, I'm almost always on the other side of this, but I'm not really good at turning people down, even online. I don't get a lot of messages and tend to reply to almost all of them. But what do you think is the most polite way of indicating that you are no longer interested in a conversation? The few times it's happened, I've tried both not replying any longer, which usually results in the person sending more messages, or stating that I don't think that we would be a good match. If I thought we could be good friends, I'd mention that, but it seems awkward to say that to someone I haven't met, and I don't say that unless I actually mean that I would like to meet up in person as friends.

I think this is most likely to come up for me when someone with a really bare, kinda boring profile messages me, and I want to give them a chance to be cool in case maybe they are just really bad at writing about themselves.

I'd be very interested in hearing how you prefer to deal with this, and also about how you prefer to have this done to you (I know it makes me sad when I stop hearing back from someone, but not sure that hearing the blunt truth would feel any better).
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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty Re: [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by nearly_takuan on Mon Dec 01, 2014 2:23 am

Personally: Silence is...disappointing, but a clear enough signal for me. If I don't get a reply within 48 hours of the next time I see that they've been "online", I assume they've lost interest. Explanations have occasionally been better, but usually it's about the same. I very much dislike anything along the lines of "we could be friends" from someone I've only exchanged a couple of OLD messages with and never met in person; lots of respect for you not saying that to people you wouldn't actually want to meet in person as friends.

Speculation: Some people like to have the last word, or else seem to feel as though they must respond to the next phrase in a conversation; such a person would probably be best served by silence, since even a message that is explicitly a rejection might continue to get replies.

Speculation: Some people think "hard to get" is a game worth playing, yielding the same as above.

Speculation: One unanswered message means probably not interested. Two unanswered messages means definitely not interested. Three unanswered messages means any remaining goodwill has now evaporated, and it's the sender's fault.

All this is to say I'm generally in favor of the "not sending a message is the message" policy, absent any extenuating circumstances.
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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty Re: [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon Dec 01, 2014 7:51 am

"You sound like a lovely person, but I'm not really feeling a spark. Had a nice time talking to you, best of luck in your future dating endeavours!" or something like this.

Afterwards, stop responding, and block if they turn abusive. See it as an exercise in not feeling ashamed for your boundaries.

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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty Re: [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by Guest on Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:04 am

BasedBuzzed wrote:"You sound like a lovely person, but I'm not really feeling a spark. Had a nice time talking to you, best of luck in your future dating endeavours!" or something like this.

Afterwards, stop responding, and block if they turn abusive. See it as an exercise in not feeling ashamed for your boundaries.

This is close to what I do. I generally am less direct, though, and don't put in the first sentence. I usually just say, "Well, it was nice talking with you! Good luck in your search!"

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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty Re: [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Mon Dec 01, 2014 2:14 pm

Kiskadee wrote:So, I'm almost always on the other side of this, but I'm not really good at turning people down, even online.  I don't get a lot of messages and tend to reply to almost all of them.  But what do you think is the most polite way of indicating that you are no longer interested in a conversation?  

I'll suggest what discourages me personally: if your replies are polite but don't have any sort of "hook" to continue the conversation, I'll drop off after a few unless I'm really interested.One I've brought up my collection of smurfs memorabilia (not really) and your fondness for pickled herring (hopefully also not really), if you haven't passed the ball back much, I'm disinclined to go to the effort of starting a third topic.

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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty Re: [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by Conreezy on Mon Dec 01, 2014 5:01 pm

Gentleman Johnny wrote:
Kiskadee wrote:So, I'm almost always on the other side of this, but I'm not really good at turning people down, even online.  I don't get a lot of messages and tend to reply to almost all of them.  But what do you think is the most polite way of indicating that you are no longer interested in a conversation?  

I'll suggest what discourages me personally: if your replies are polite but don't have any sort of "hook" to continue the conversation, I'll drop off after a few unless I'm really interested.One I've brought up my collection of smurfs memorabilia (not really) and your fondness for pickled herring (hopefully also not really), if you haven't passed the ball back much,  I'm disinclined to go to the effort of starting a third topic.

This is great advice for conversations in real life, too.

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[Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection Empty Re: [Disc/advice] Online messaging and rejection

Post by Kiskadee on Tue Dec 02, 2014 1:01 am

Those are good ideas. I guess I feel weird about claiming to not feel a spark for someone who hasn't specifically asked me for a date, like I don't know that that's what she intends? One person started arguing back about wanting to be friends the whole time after a clear statement like this, so I don't know. (In my frequent darker moods, I'm also inclined to think that there's no possible way they could be romantically interested, but I suppose it is a dating site)

@Gentleman Johnny - that's a good idea about being aware of another person's interest levels in general, but I'm specifically wondering about cases where this sort of disinterest/half-hearted response doesn't work. It just encourages a certain type of person to shoot back with something like "how was your day!"
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