I keep getting the "I'm seeing somebody else"

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Post by Jayce on Fri Dec 05, 2014 8:37 pm

Sigh I get like the same answer almost every single time whenever I ask someone out. It's like everyone at my age (around 19 to early 20s) are paired up and I'm just left in singledom. Maybe I'm just really unfortunate to meet people who aren't single, maybe they are just being nice and there's something really undesirable about me, maybe both. For sure, I don't explicitly try to date people who are already in relationships.

Whatever it is, I feel really unattractive right now. For most of my life I've been the loser friend, the fat guy, or the wallflower with an invisibility cloak. I thought maybe I could change myself. Maybe I can become different. If I change myself maybe someday someone would like me.

I can't even one woman who I like to like me back.

Is there just something that makes me extremely unattractive? Maybe, at this point I would not be suprised if there was.

For people my age, there's no such thing as single events, or bars/places where all the single people go.

Yeah last night at the party I thought I seemed pretty cool, I directly, asked someone out with ' hey after meeting you for a bit, you seem interesting. I like you. Come on a coffee date with me. " I was the only guy who made a real direct approach. People were like whoa, thats so upfront etc... Yeah, it did not even matter. She just gave me a "hey I'm seeing somebody else. Don't feel bad about it." Of course I'm not going to guilt trip her and say I felt terrible so I just say "hey I'm not the type dwell on about it." "See you around", as she finally left.

Is it my personality? I don't know, maybe. I'm not always talkative and confident. Know what cools things to say. But I'm sure there are guys in relationships and they haven't mastered all of that yet. my appearance? Well I'm not photogenic unless taking selfies. I smile wierdly. Don't have perfect teeth. My makeup skills are poor. Don't even have a flat stomach. But many other guys dont have all of that either. I see them in relationships. my social skills? poor advertising skills? (maybe not because someone chimed into our conversations and asked what we were talking about and she remembered and said we we're talking about passion, and having it for the things we really want to do- if thats the impression she got from the conversation then its good, its exactly as intended)

My friend who spent maybe around 3 months trying to get into a relationship this other person, succeeded last night. His dating strategy was always to chase women for long periods of time, then asking them out to see a final answer.

Sure maybe it might work. Yeah no, there's no way I'm chasing after someone for a long time, hoping they might reciprocate. What good can come of it for me? I'm just gonna spend weeks and weeks feeling infatuated with someone hoping things will happen when given my dating success history they probably wont?

This other guy I was at the party with told me he got into modelling advertising work. And I'm just struggling to figure out how to maintain my appearance.

What am I doing with my life?? Well the cool thing that did impress people when I told them about what I've been spending my holidays on, is I'm performing a group choreography dance in two days. But I'm just a beginner that's not good. It's not like I'm a good model or have been in relationships since I was 15.


Yeah I'm comparing my life to others. Cause jerk brain is being a jerk.

Also why am I an idiot and didn't ask out other girls I was interested in after she left? I mean I should, I flirted with all of them to some degree. Instead I chose to feel butthurt, so I just mellowed down and focused on making friends. Thank god I actually had some success with that.

Edit: Ok so I actually found out that it was a genuine "I'm seeing somebody else". The host of the party who is an old friend of mine, told me that when she left and he was walking her out, she told him "your friend just asked me out, but I'm seeing somebody else". So am I undesirable? desirable? to people? I don't even know. Most people that I've asked, just give me that response.

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Post by reboot on Fri Dec 05, 2014 9:26 pm

I would assume if someone says they are seeing someone, they are actually seeing someone, especially if the responses are along the lines of "hey I'm seeing somebody else. Don't feel bad about it." She is telling you not to feel rejected because she is not available with the last sentence. Her response is also positive because it is the kind of thing someone says to someone they think is cool and might have said yes had they been available.

As for bumping into a lot of coupled people, that is just how it goes sometimes. People couple up and uncouple all the time, especially from 19-20, so do not worry that the single people are running out
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Fri Dec 05, 2014 9:46 pm

Another thing about the seeming strangeness about always hitting on partnered people:

When I was younger I, like you, always seemed to develop feelings for guys who had girlfriends.  But I didn't know they had girlfriends so it wasn't like I was turned on by the idea the guys were in relationships.  I couldn't figure it out.  Finally I just had to sit back and analyse what the heck was going on.  And I came to what I thought was a pretty cool theory.  People in relationships are often pretty relaxed, especially in social situations.  They aren't looking for anyone, they aren't trying to hit on you, they don't have the same nervous energy as say someone (like me) who was looking.  Comfort often = confidence.  And as we all know from multiple DNL posts and conversations here, confidence is attractive.  And so I was attracted to the confidence and relaxed personalities of boys in relationships.  

That might very well be the same with you.  You might find you fall into easier conversations with women who are in a couple because she feels secure in that part of her life and doesn't feel a need to impress you etc.  She isn't at a party to hook up, she is at a party to hang out with fun people.  So she's open to talking to a lot of different people.  Like you! Smile

Now this might not help with the frustration (it didn't help me), but at least it can kind of serve as an explanation as opposed to thinking fate is just cruel or something.  There is a logic to it, even if it's bloody unfair.

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Dec 05, 2014 10:23 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote:Another thing about the seeming strangeness about always hitting on partnered people:

When I was younger I, like you, always seemed to develop feelings for guys who had girlfriends.  But I didn't know they had girlfriends so it wasn't like I was turned on by the idea the guys were in relationships.  I couldn't figure it out.  Finally I just had to sit back and analyse what the heck was going on.  And I came to what I thought was a pretty cool theory.  People in relationships are often pretty relaxed, especially in social situations.  They aren't looking for anyone, they aren't trying to hit on you, they don't have the same nervous energy as say someone (like me) who was looking.  Comfort often = confidence.  And as we all know from multiple DNL posts and conversations here, confidence is attractive.  And so I was attracted to the confidence and relaxed personalities of boys in relationships.  

That might very well be the same with you.  You might find you fall into easier conversations with women who are in a couple because she feels secure in that part of her life and doesn't feel a need to impress you etc.  She isn't at a party to hook up, she is at a party to hang out with fun people.  So she's open to talking to a lot of different people.  Like you! Smile

Now this might not help with the frustration (it didn't help me), but at least it can kind of serve as an explanation as opposed to thinking fate is just cruel or something.  There is a logic to it, even if it's bloody unfair.

I pretty much came to this thread to express this set of sentiments, but you said it better than I could. I've gone through similar periods.
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Post by Jayce on Sat Dec 06, 2014 10:37 am

OneTrueGuest wrote:Another thing about the seeming strangeness about always hitting on partnered people:

When I was younger I, like you, always seemed to develop feelings for guys who had girlfriends.  But I didn't know they had girlfriends so it wasn't like I was turned on by the idea the guys were in relationships.  I couldn't figure it out.  Finally I just had to sit back and analyse what the heck was going on.  And I came to what I thought was a pretty cool theory.  People in relationships are often pretty relaxed, especially in social situations.  They aren't looking for anyone, they aren't trying to hit on you, they don't have the same nervous energy as say someone (like me) who was looking.  Comfort often = confidence.  And as we all know from multiple DNL posts and conversations here, confidence is attractive.  And so I was attracted to the confidence and relaxed personalities of boys in relationships.

I'm usually not one to think that fate is cruel, but even sometimes I can feel a bit bitter and defeated. I do like confidence, but its not the be all and end all of attractiveness to me. I gauge confidence in a more, willingness to reciprocate communication sort of way. I would be very unlikely to talk to someone whose all cold shoulders, short responses. Because it indicates uninterested. Plus its boring to engage with someone who doesn't want to contribute. The woman I want to date, is someone that at least wants and likes to talk to me and makes at least an effort to contribute to the conversation (dosen't matter if its nervous, or not very skilled, or whatever as long as they make an attempt). Like for example from last week's party, at the end where I was alone for a bit with Veronica she asked me about the stuff I'm doing at uni as a way to create some conversation, because she didn't knew me very well but knows we go to the same university so she chose a conventional conversation option. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who is unresponsive. Well I think your theory does ring true, so this can be a problem cause I only ask out people who seem to enjoy spending their time with me, and of course some coupled people might be more confident in that so I might bump into more of them.

Last night I also touched the forearm or the back of the shoulders of people I was flirting with, lightly, as another way of signalling sexual interest. Maybe these touches may seem a bit neutral.

Of course, what if I'm screening out women who are just nervous/quiet/shy or poor at communication but do want to date me? Well I personally think that if someone like that would still make an attempt to talk to me or at least make an effort. And this dosen't mean approaching me by the way, since I approach all the woman I'm interested in meeting to date anyway. I've never approached a woman and noticed their nervous energy in front of me before, so I don't think it is very likely that I've flirted with someone who are interested but also happen to be nervous. Or maybe I'm not actually good at noticing what's nervousness.

reboot wrote:I would assume if someone says they are seeing someone, they are actually seeing someone

I will choose to believe this, thinking about the alternative makes feel worried in my sleep at night.


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Post by Guest on Sat Dec 06, 2014 10:21 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote:Another thing about the seeming strangeness about always hitting on partnered people:

When I was younger I, like you, always seemed to develop feelings for guys who had girlfriends.  But I didn't know they had girlfriends so it wasn't like I was turned on by the idea the guys were in relationships.  I couldn't figure it out.  Finally I just had to sit back and analyse what the heck was going on.  And I came to what I thought was a pretty cool theory.  People in relationships are often pretty relaxed, especially in social situations.  They aren't looking for anyone, they aren't trying to hit on you, they don't have the same nervous energy as say someone (like me) who was looking.  Comfort often = confidence.  And as we all know from multiple DNL posts and conversations here, confidence is attractive.  And so I was attracted to the confidence and relaxed personalities of boys in relationships.  

That might very well be the same with you.  You might find you fall into easier conversations with women who are in a couple because she feels secure in that part of her life and doesn't feel a need to impress you etc.  She isn't at a party to hook up, she is at a party to hang out with fun people.  So she's open to talking to a lot of different people.  Like you! Smile

Now this might not help with the frustration (it didn't help me), but at least it can kind of serve as an explanation as opposed to thinking fate is just cruel or something.  There is a logic to it, even if it's bloody unfair.

I always thought about that and it never made sense to me because then how did they get into that relationship in the first place? Don't you think they were scared and or nervous too?

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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Dec 06, 2014 11:32 pm

Maybe they got into it relatively early (or late) in their career (in terms of number of attempts), or their current partner is less concerned about that particular form of confidence?
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Post by Jayce on Sun Dec 07, 2014 3:17 am

The Mikey wrote:

I always thought about that and it never made sense to me because then how did they get into that relationship in the first place? Don't you think they were scared and or nervous too?

Maybe they were, like many other people. But they overcame their nervousness and fear. Am i nervous or scared when I meet women? Yeah. But I choose to be brave.

Or perhaps their partners don't value confidence as much.

And of course there are people who were never scared in the first place.

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sun Dec 07, 2014 3:35 am

The Mikey wrote:

I always thought about that and it never made sense to me because then how did they get into that relationship in the first place? Don't you think they were scared and or nervous too?

Because not everyone is attracted to the same things and on the same levels. Not every single girl in the room was flocking to this guy. This was a particular thing for me. That was the whole point. I was all, "Why do I keep falling for taken guys??" when others weren't. And I think it wasn't just the confidence thing for me. In fact it was something even bigger. My whole life I've hated I am a woman. Not because looking like a woman and living in this body was bad, I've always loved that. But I hated that I was never treated as a person first. I was always a woman first. I could never be gender neutral. I found it so exhausting having men look at me in a way that basically made me feel like an object and not the unique interesting person I was. This is why for me personally, I really hate it when men hit on me. One-liners just make me roll my eyes. Seductive looks just make me want to throw up. Further to me it's never seemed sincere, it's always seemed manipulative and sleazy (I'm not saying it is, I'm saying I have my own history and upbringing and life stories that have led me to feel this way - even if it is at times irrational). So going to a party where people are looking to hook up or whatever, I would avoid those people actively pursuing in favour of the guys who seemed more chill, who really seemed to want to listen to what I had to say as a human being, who in general seemed to like talking to me because I was me, and not because I was just some piece of ass. And of course, as I soon figured out, the reasons those guys did treat me like that was because they weren't looking for anyone because they had someone.

Now I'm not saying that every single guy looking for a girl treats her like a piece of meat, and I was able later in life to find men who treated me like the interesting human I am who were ALSO single (huzzah!), but initially that was why I was so attracted to men who were taken.

I am not pushing the "the only way to get someone is to be confident" mantra. That wasn't my point. I was simply explaining why I happened to be attracted to taken men without knowing they were initially. Because it can sometimes feel like it's something more fate like than logic like, and there was a logic to my personal attraction. Thus there might be a similar logic (though maybe not the same identical one) to Jayce's fondness for women who are taken too.

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Post by Guest on Sun Dec 07, 2014 4:53 am

OneTrueGuest wrote:
Because not everyone is attracted to the same things and on the same levels.  Not every single girl in the room was flocking to this guy.  This was a particular thing for me.  That was the whole point.  I was all, "Why do I keep falling for taken guys??" when others weren't.  And I think it wasn't just the confidence thing for me.  In fact it was something even bigger.  My whole life I've hated I am a woman.  Not because looking like a woman and living in this body was bad, I've always loved that.  But I hated that I was never treated as a person first.  I was always a woman first.  I could never be gender neutral.  I found it so exhausting having men look at me in a way that basically made me feel like an object and not the unique interesting person I was. This is why for me personally, I really hate it when men hit on me.  One-liners just make me roll my eyes.  Seductive looks just make me want to throw up.  Further to me it's never seemed sincere, it's always seemed manipulative and sleazy (I'm not saying it is, I'm saying I have my own history and upbringing and life stories that have led me to feel this way - even if it is at times irrational).  So going to a party where people are looking to hook up or whatever, I would avoid those people actively pursuing in favour of the guys who seemed more chill, who really seemed to want to listen to what I had to say as a human being, who in general seemed to like talking to me because I was me, and not because I was just some piece of ass.  And of course, as I soon figured out, the reasons those guys did treat me like that was because they weren't looking for anyone because they had someone.

See that makes more sense. So far, I'm much like you, I've hated that I am a dude too, not because I have girl problems (although that doesn't help) but because dudes in general have a "being respectful to women" problem. I'm like you as well in the sense that I love being in a dude body, it's fun, for example: I've been blessed with the ability to pee standing up. Razz

Joking aside, I try and treat everyone respectfully and I try to be chill and respectful... but goddamn it, do I also wanna hook up really bad sometimes (and I let that out if I'm feelin' it and drunk enough). I blame my leftover hormones and the fact that I've still not scored yet for that, not the booze lol. But, in all honesty, when I'm not wasted and I'm completely sober, I always try to look at women as people first, I'm always friendly to strange women and I always try to be funny even though I know I'm not. Laughing When I'm at work and a female student walks up to me I always say, "Yes, dear, what can I do for ya?"

Regardless, I'm always willing and able to hear what women (or anyone really) have to say as people and I (sometimes I have to) understand that sometimes, women aren't always looking for advice, but rather for someone to listen. I just don't know how that trait can attract anyone, so far it hasn't. D:

And also holy shit, are a lot of women so freakin' cute. :3 It's difficult not to be attracted to some women right-off the bat!~

OneTrueGuest wrote:
Now I'm not saying that every single guy looking for a girl treats her like a piece of meat, and I was able later in life to find men who treated me like the interesting human I am who were ALSO single (huzzah!), but initially that was why I was so attracted to men who were taken.

I am not pushing the "the only way to get someone is to be confident" mantra.  That wasn't my point.  I was simply explaining why I happened to be attracted to taken men without knowing they were initially.  Because it can sometimes feel like it's something more fate like than logic like, and there was a logic to my personal attraction.  Thus there might be a similar logic (though maybe not the same identical one) to Jayce's fondness for women who are taken too.

And I unfortunately have a similar problem but with girls.

I'm just attracted to girls regardless of whether or not they're taken. If they ping all the right sensors on my radar, I'll be all theirs, but unfortunately, I do not ping anyone's sensors for whatever reason. D: But, if they're taken, then I'll go home and cry any in a corner. Razz

no i don't actually do that

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Post by Jayce on Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:12 am

The Mikey wrote:
See that makes more sense. So far, I'm much like you, I've hated that I am a dude too, not because I have girl problems (although that doesn't help) but because dudes in general have a "being respectful to women" problem.

I don't know what part of Doucheville do you visit, but where I'm from, most guys don't have that problem. It's just that the ones that do are more noticeable, so there is probably a confirmation bias going on here.


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Post by reboot on Sun Dec 07, 2014 12:23 pm

The Mikey wrote:
OneTrueGuest wrote:Another thing about the seeming strangeness about always hitting on partnered people:

When I was younger I, like you, always seemed to develop feelings for guys who had girlfriends.  But I didn't know they had girlfriends so it wasn't like I was turned on by the idea the guys were in relationships.  I couldn't figure it out.  Finally I just had to sit back and analyse what the heck was going on.  And I came to what I thought was a pretty cool theory.  People in relationships are often pretty relaxed, especially in social situations.  They aren't looking for anyone, they aren't trying to hit on you, they don't have the same nervous energy as say someone (like me) who was looking.  Comfort often = confidence.  And as we all know from multiple DNL posts and conversations here, confidence is attractive.  And so I was attracted to the confidence and relaxed personalities of boys in relationships.  

That might very well be the same with you.  You might find you fall into easier conversations with women who are in a couple because she feels secure in that part of her life and doesn't feel a need to impress you etc.  She isn't at a party to hook up, she is at a party to hang out with fun people.  So she's open to talking to a lot of different people.  Like you! Smile

Now this might not help with the frustration (it didn't help me), but at least it can kind of serve as an explanation as opposed to thinking fate is just cruel or something.  There is a logic to it, even if it's bloody unfair.

I always thought about that and it never made sense to me because then how did they get into that relationship in the first place? Don't you think they were scared and or nervous too?

There are a handful of people who are not scared or nervous and a handful that are absolutely too petrified to ever be in a relationship and then every variation between the two poles. Probability is that any given person in a relationship was nervous and scared at some point and may still be nervous and scared while in the relationship. Relationship anxiety does not magically disappear once you start seeing someone, but the reasons may change (e.g. does he/she still find me attractive? is he/she bored with me? is he/she the person I want to be with long term?)
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Post by Guest on Sun Dec 07, 2014 4:52 pm

reboot wrote:
There are a handful of people who are not scared or nervous and a handful that are absolutely too petrified to ever be in a relationship and then every variation between the two poles. Probability is that any given person in a relationship was nervous and scared at some point and may still be nervous and scared while in the relationship. Relationship anxiety does not magically disappear once you start seeing someone, but the reasons may change (e.g. does he/she still find me attractive? is he/she bored with me? is he/she the person I want to be with long term?)

Ahh, the good ole' bell curve, eh? I'm more on the latter end of that spectrum you specified, I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, it sounds like a lot of fun, but taking the first steps to do so is sooo very daunting to me (only because I'm scared).

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Post by azazel on Mon Dec 08, 2014 9:24 pm

reboot wrote:I would assume if someone says they are seeing someone, they are actually seeing someone, especially if the responses are along the lines of "hey I'm seeing somebody else. Don't feel bad about it." She is telling you not to feel rejected because she is not available with the last sentence. Her response is also positive because it is the kind of thing someone says to someone they think is cool and might have said yes had they been available.

I'm sorry for being a pessimist, but isn't "I've got a boyfriend" just shorthand for "I'm not interested" currently?
At least I've got the experience that because people try to argue if you say you're not interested they just say they have a boyfriend since it's easier.

Of course a friend who actually had a boyfriend got showered in a drink once because she turned down someone with the IGAB excuse and later was spotted dancing with a male collegue, clearly she must've been lying, so taking offense at everyone using the excuse is also not the way to go. Now I think about it, every plan involving throwing drinks at someone is a pretty bad fucking plan.

Anyway, I'd just see those rejections as polite no's and not dwell too much on it. They were either taken or you didn't strike their fancy, does it really matter which of the two options was the case?

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Post by reboot on Mon Dec 08, 2014 9:29 pm

This particular phrasing makes me think it is not a soft letdown. The "don't feel bad" addendum.

This is not to say that "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" is never a soft no, it can be. It can also mean the person has a BF/GF. Either way it does not matter. No date will happen.
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Post by Caffeinated on Tue Dec 09, 2014 1:36 am

Back when I was single and young enough to go to clubs, I had more than one guy reply to "I have a boyfriend" with "Are you in love with him?" That reply made me think those were about the sleeziest guys in the universe.
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Post by reboot on Tue Dec 09, 2014 2:12 am

Caffeinated wrote:Back when I was single and young enough to go to clubs, I had more than one guy reply to "I have a boyfriend" with "Are you in love with him?" That reply made me think those were about the sleeziest guys in the universe.

I have a friend who was asked the same thing after she told him she was married with four kids. She said, "Of course."

He then told her his income and asked if her husband made more. She gave him a O_o and left.

Planet o' the Sleeze
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Post by Caffeinated on Tue Dec 09, 2014 2:40 pm

reboot wrote:
Caffeinated wrote:Back when I was single and young enough to go to clubs, I had more than one guy reply to "I have a boyfriend" with "Are you in love with him?" That reply made me think those were about the sleeziest guys in the universe.

I have a friend who was asked the same thing after she told him she was married with four kids. She said, "Of course."

He then told her his income and asked if her husband made more. She gave him a O_o and left.

Planet o' the Sleeze

Wow, that dude's sleeze out-sleezed my sleezy dudes' sleeze for sure!
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Post by reboot on Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:15 pm

Caffeinated wrote:
reboot wrote:
Caffeinated wrote:Back when I was single and young enough to go to clubs, I had more than one guy reply to "I have a boyfriend" with "Are you in love with him?" That reply made me think those were about the sleeziest guys in the universe.

I have a friend who was asked the same thing after she told him she was married with four kids. She said, "Of course."

He then told her his income and asked if her husband made more. She gave him a O_o and left.

Planet o' the Sleeze

Wow, that dude's sleeze out-sleezed my sleezy dudes' sleeze for sure!

That guy's sleaziness shocked our friend who had been hitting the nightclub scene in Hollywood/LA/Anywhere else she was for 26 years. It was something to behold!
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I keep getting the "I'm seeing somebody else" Empty Re: I keep getting the "I'm seeing somebody else"

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