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Post by Caffeinated on Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:51 pm

Hi all, I've been lurking on the forums for a while, but this morning I saw a comic that I thought really needed to be posted to the forums so I finally registered.

Here's the link: http://www.robot-hugs.com/risky-date/

It's about a message exchange in online dating in which two people are trying to set up a first in person date. What do you guys think?
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Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon Dec 08, 2014 4:59 pm

I laughed out loud at the "it's not my job to educate you" part because that phrase has been turned into a caricature, otherwise it's a solid collection of sentiments with regards to boundaries and comfort. Perhaps a tad on the long side, but meh.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Mon Dec 08, 2014 5:46 pm

I think that particular comic mostly just confirms the one thing I do know I'm getting right about OLD: I always suggest well-lit well-populated public venues, if I make it that far. (And honestly, I have similar fears of my own by now, having read way too many horror stories about men—especially ace or virgin men—being coerced in various ways. That part I get.)

More generally, I'm now kind of a fan of this webcomic; the one about strip clubs has made me reconsider my "why the fuck would I go to one / no, I won't" stance. Not necessarily change, but reconsider. And of course I'm wanting to spread the one about dictionaries everywhere.
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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Mon Dec 08, 2014 6:00 pm

I always try to aim for the "get to know you over coffee" as a sort of date 0.5. Its safe, low stakes, low impact and puts us in a good place to either line something else up for later on the spot, adjourn to a second place or bow out gracefully. I've definitely had that experience of wanting to say a bunch of things and opting for "yeah, it just isn't working out" or "just not feeling it" instead, although obviously in a different context.

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Post by The Wisp on Mon Dec 08, 2014 8:01 pm

(And honestly, I have similar fears of my own by now, having read way too many horror stories about men—especially ace or virgin men—being coerced in various ways. That part I get.)"](And honestly, I have similar fears of my own by now, having read way too many horror stories about men—especially ace or virgin men—being coerced in various ways. That part I get.)

Thinking of catfishing leading to something like a mugging or identity theft is a scenario that gave me a bit of pause when I first registered for online dating. Though, honestly, the red flags for that are probably pretty obvious.


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Post by reboot on Mon Dec 08, 2014 8:07 pm

I just do not even get this at all from the guy's side. You do not even know this person and you want them in your house? I mean I get wanting to have sex, but still....

Then again I might be weird because I really do not like strangers or even acquaintances in my private space. I think it comes from living in group quarters, which can make you fiercely protective of personal space.
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Post by The Wisp on Mon Dec 08, 2014 8:10 pm

reboot wrote:I just do not even get this at all from the guy's side. You do not even know this person and you want them in your house? I mean I get wanting to have sex, but still....

I'm on your side on this, I don't get it.

I wonder if certain people just don't think normal common sense social rules and practices apply to dating, so they just wing it (probably with sex on the mind) without thought.
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Post by eselle28 on Mon Dec 08, 2014 8:15 pm

reboot wrote:I just do not even get this at all from the guy's side. You do not even know this person and you want them in your house? I mean I get wanting to have sex, but still....

Then again I might be weird because I really do not like strangers or even acquaintances in my private space. I think it comes from living in group quarters, which can make you fiercely protective of personal space.

During a very blunt (and slightly drunk) moment, I actually asked a guy who proposed as a first date that I come over to his house and play video games why he thought that was a good suggestion, and his answer was that it was a filtering mechanism to screen out women who weren't actually gamers and women who expected their dates to spend a lot of money on them, so there's also that charming possibility! I mean, I'd be worried about cleaning and presenting my private self in an appealing way and about what would happen if the other person was a bore and I wanted them to leave, but my guess is that people who extend such invitations aren't as troubled by those concerns.
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Post by azazel on Mon Dec 08, 2014 9:13 pm

eselle28 wrote:
During a very blunt (and slightly drunk) moment, I actually asked a guy who proposed as a first date that I come over to his house and play video games why he thought that was a good suggestion, and his answer was that it was a filtering mechanism to screen out women who weren't actually gamers and women who expected their dates to spend a lot of money on them, so there's also that charming possibility!

You've got to admire his honesty!

eselle28 wrote:
I mean, I'd be worried about cleaning and presenting my private self in an appealing way and about what would happen if the other person was a bore and I wanted them to leave, but my guess is that people who extend such invitations aren't as troubled by those concerns.

One of the reasons I picked the coffee date as a first date. If we had hated each other we both could've left easily.

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Post by Guest on Mon Dec 08, 2014 10:42 pm

I'd be wary of going to a woman's house on a first meeting through OLD, and guy. Really no argument against proper risk management.

I think even without the risk factor, it can look a wee bit desperate at least to jump right to asking someone to your place. I suppose this is coming from the perspective of a generally private person, however.

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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Tue Dec 09, 2014 2:54 pm

MapWater wrote:I'd be wary of going to a woman's house on a first meeting through OLD, and guy. Really no argument against proper risk management.

Its not unknown for guys in my town to be roofied in this situation, not for sexual purposes but for robbery ones. Going to a stranger's house, especially if you don't drive yourself, puts them in a dominant position, regardless of gender dynamics.

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Post by UristMcBunny on Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:43 pm

Personally I think "it's not my job to educate you" is an apt statement in the scenario described by the comic. I mean, I know there is discussion to be had about how often that phrase gets used, but that doesn't make it inherently an invalid thing to say. Being The Educator in stuff is EXHAUSTING - just look at the burn-out issues the old version of this forum had - and that's when you're Being The Educator in a situation that you have actively sought out and chosen to participate in.

I don't choose to assume the risks of Dating While A Woman. Those risks are thrust upon me the instant I try to date anyone. A lot of the risks are thrust upon me regardless of whether I ever actively seek out romantic or sexual relationships - just being social carries many of them. Hell, just being a woman can do. So yeah, I can get behind the choice not to educate a stranger on a dating site in the moment when they are being a pushy arsehole over something that I'm probably even more sick and tired of living with than they are of hearing.

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Post by reboot on Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:51 pm

UristMcBunny wrote:Personally I think "it's not my job to educate you" is an apt statement in the scenario described by the comic.  I mean, I know there is discussion to be had about how often that phrase gets used, but that doesn't make it inherently an invalid thing to say.  Being The Educator in stuff is EXHAUSTING - just look at the burn-out issues the old version of this forum had - and that's when you're Being The Educator in a situation that you have actively sought out and chosen to participate in.

I don't choose to assume the risks of Dating While A Woman.  Those risks are thrust upon me the instant I try to date anyone.  A lot of the risks are thrust upon me regardless of whether I ever actively seek out romantic or sexual relationships - just being social carries many of them.  Hell, just being a woman can do.  So yeah, I can get behind the choice not to educate a stranger on a dating site in the moment when they are being a pushy arsehole over something that I'm probably even more sick and tired of living with than they are of hearing.  

Honestly, if someone is not being paid, it is not their job to educate strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, etc.. It is a favor. And if somehow an adult man on an OLD site has not grokked to why a woman he never met might not be so keen on having him know where she lives or why she would rather meet in a public place, it is on him to figure it out, not on her to educate him.
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Post by caliseivy on Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:58 pm

UristMcBunny wrote:Personally I think "it's not my job to educate you" is an apt statement in the scenario described by the comic.  I mean, I know there is discussion to be had about how often that phrase gets used, but that doesn't make it inherently an invalid thing to say.  Being The Educator in stuff is EXHAUSTING 

I don't have much more to add, other than mentioning that even if you decide to educate the person it doesn't mean he/she will actually be willing to listen and not dismiss your concerns as ridiculous.
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Post by Autumnflame on Tue Dec 09, 2014 4:09 pm

Everyone gets to decide the risk level they're comfortable with. I'm far more comfortable inviting people over than I am going to theirs on a first date, mostly because I live with roommates who are most always home. But I'll only ever do either after having already met them and gotten some sense of if I would like them as a reasonably trustworthy person and sexual partner (mostly because of the implicit assumption that extending such an invite is also an invite to sex, bullshit as it is - this is one of those areas where on the personal level it's easier to play along with the expectation than try to counter it).

Admittedly I also don't extend that invite if my room is a mess. Wink I tend to quite like hosting people, though, so I don't have a great many concerns about privacy in that vein. The main reason I don't do so more often is mostly a matter of space and/or time. If I have the time to hang out with friends it's usually either a one-on-one working hangout or a group event that precludes my somewhat limited hosting space.
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Post by Caffeinated on Tue Dec 09, 2014 5:21 pm

I think one of the great things about a comic like this one is that rather than each individual feeling like they need to Be The Educator and explain everything in great detail in a fresh new way, there is this comic to link to. Cut and pasting a link is a lot less work than writing up the whole thing over again every time one comes across someone being pushy and oblivious.
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