[Rant (discuss, I suppose?)] Sick of the Cycle

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[Rant (discuss, I suppose?)] Sick of the Cycle

Post by Guest on Sat Dec 27, 2014 9:45 am

I'll cut to the chase on this. I really sick of myself. More accurately, this annoying cycle I go through in my head.

One day, I'll be happy about being single and, honestly, happy if I remained single forever. I've had an awesome year, with few hiccups compared to the last five or so and next year should be really good too. Hard not to be happy about that? I love my job, I love that I'm earning money for myself and I love that the future looks good.

The next day I'll be frustrated about how awkward I am, how much I loathe my own looks, how I feel like regardless of whether or not I want a relationship, I could have one even if I tried. And more. A ridiculous amount more. Hell, I hate my sex drive. I just wish I never had it. It's a complete distraction a lot of the time.

I mean, I'm not without reflection on any of this. I probably hate my sex drive because I know I couldn't actually get that far with a woman even if I wanted to. I probably hate the way I look because I was always 'the short kid', 'the skinny kid', 'the weak one'. I've read that damn article DNL wrote on labels and not taking on anyone else's for yourself. It doesn't help when it's all true. The short thing doesn't bother me now, but the others do. I'm the one that has my weight pointed out. If I eat a lot it's a 'big deal', if I don't eat I get the looks. My parents were almost accused of not feeding me enough as a child, which isn't true in the slightest.

On the skinny thing, I've thought about the lack of body positivity stuff for men. A lot because of that recent Tumblr post that has been vandalised to the high heavens for daring to point out that there are indeed body standards for men. I'm not bothering to link it because, frankly, it doesn't need any more traffic. But I got to thinking about the rebuttals to the concept that men have body issues too. The problem is caused by men themselves, it's not really a problem in the first place, women are attracted to all sort of body types (like the vice versa) and, well, I won't act like I know a lot about the issue on a whole. All I know is I do feel a lot of pressure from all over the place that tell me 'I don't look right and it's my problem'. But the one rebuttal / deflection of the issue I loathe is the last one I listed - women like all sorts of body types. Well, that's certainly true. Too bad that looking good for women, at this point, isn't the issue. I don't feel good about how I look. I finally realised that I don't give much of shit is a woman finds me hot. Yeah, it's flattering for about five minutes and then I delve right back into disliking my looks because I don't like them. I understand the line is used in more specific male body image situation where it's a guy lamenting women wouldn't find him attractive. But the root of that problem is not liking how you look yourself. So what if Dita Von Teese thinks I'm handsome? I think I look like that walking death. She may be a childhood celeb crush of mine but, fuck, her opinion on my looks is useless. Ultimately, anyway.

I hate how that line is thrown out as a platitude because it's hypocritical. Maybe I'm just extra angry about ti right now but it's this frustrating catch-22 where you either think the person is lying about how good you look (which reeks of paranoia) or you come to understand that you just hate yourself that fucking much it doesn't matter what other people say - you're stuck hating yourself.

But, my hypocrisy isn't going unnoticed here - I understand you have to reject the labels you are given by others and form your own identity, yet I absorb the negativity like a sponge and dismiss the positive like it's fly about to land in my soup of piss and vinegar. I'm raving about not using these compliments to define me because they don't ultimately mean anything but I'm sure as hell letting people's negative perceptions become my identity.

On the sex drive, I'll be blunt, I'm ashamed of a lot of what I'm attracted to. And it's not even fucking 'weird'. I'm not going to get into any of it here unless someone's really that interested in it (as simple as it is, it's embarrassing), but I feel guilty all the same even though it's pretty damn banal. I think I'd feel a lot better without the shame. It makes me feel like I'm creep for just kind of liking what I like. Which is obviously counter-intuitive to just about everything.

However, like the topic implies, this is a cycle. I'll go through days where I'm totally fine. I coats through the day, have some fun, get work done and then get to bed feeling pretty chuffed. Next day? WHAM, I suck , I suck, I suck! It's just... inane. I don't understand it, I don't know what's real and what's not. Am I really happy, or am I a sack of crap?

I've said it before, and I don't expect anyone here to have an answer or solution to this kind of issue, but I don't know what I want and I'm torturing myself with that fact. I don't even feel like I should be complaining about this. Like I said, the happy times just make me think this is all bullshit and I shouldn't be unhappy.

Urgh, I feel like this is a rambling mess but maybe that's for the best.

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Re: [Rant (discuss, I suppose?)] Sick of the Cycle

Post by Enail on Sat Dec 27, 2014 1:07 pm

About the body image and being ashamed of what you're attracted to, I wonder if it might be a good exercise to try appreciating different bodies on an aesthetic level, almost abstractly. Like, not thinking "she's hot/he's better looking than me," and so forth, but noticing that the way his wrist curves into his forearm looks like a gnarled, graceful tree branch, or how her wrinkles catch and break up the light. People of all body types, all ages, all sorts of appearances. Kind of a way of shaking up your way of thinking about how human bodies relate to the whole idea of beauty, if you see what I mean?

Also, about the cycle thing, you might want to check in with your doctor or a mental health professional to see if there's something mood disorder-y going on there. But also, maybe a cycle is how you work, and that doesn't make it less real. Like, the sun has a cycle around the earth, and it changes the intensity and pattern of light and warmth we get, but both winter and summer are still valid. You just need to be aware of the likelihood of different seasons and be prepared for how to handle them. The sun is separate from our experience of the sun.
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Re: [Rant (discuss, I suppose?)] Sick of the Cycle

Post by Guest on Sun Dec 28, 2014 2:25 am

Enail wrote:About the body image and being ashamed of what you're attracted to, I wonder if it might be a good exercise to try appreciating different bodies on an aesthetic level, almost abstractly. Like, not thinking "she's hot/he's better looking than me," and so forth, but noticing that the way his wrist curves into his forearm looks like a gnarled, graceful tree branch, or how her wrinkles catch and break up the light. People of all body types, all ages, all sorts of appearances. Kind of a way of shaking up your way of thinking about how human bodies relate to the whole idea of beauty, if you see what I mean?

I know what you mean. I'll be fair to myself - my preferences are pretty damn varied. As much as I definitely err towards some traits more than others, I really try to appreciate all the body types out there. I feel like I'd be doing myself a bigger disservice than I already do if I didn't, if you get me. If I can appreciate other's looks in some way, then what chance do I have for myself?

Enail wrote:Also, about the cycle thing, you might want to check in with your doctor or a mental health professional to see if there's something mood disorder-y going on there. But also, maybe a cycle is how you work, and that doesn't make it less real. Like, the sun has a cycle around the earth, and it changes the intensity and pattern of light and warmth we get, but both winter and summer are still valid. You just need to be aware of the likelihood of different seasons and be prepared for how to handle them.  The sun is separate from our experience of the sun.

It's certainly an option. If I could predict the cycle a little easier, maybe I wouldn't be as fussed about it. Bad days would still be bad, but hey, at least you know, right?

There's a few things off the top of my head that could cause the swings. Poor diet, erratic sleeping patterns, caffeine / alcohol etc. Because of my small frame (and what seems to be a whacked out metabolism at that) caffeine really smacks me upside the head. It even induces paranoia on just one cafe latte on an empty stomach. Might be worth fiddling with my intake a bit? I dunno. I kind of rely on a little bit of caffeine to offset the lethargy I get from my anaemia.

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